Under the Skin

Under the Skin – Dir. Jonathan Glazer (2014)

Jonathan Glazer made a name for himself directing commercials and music videos for bands like Radiohead and Jamiroquai. His video for "Virtual Insanity" earned four MTV Video Music Awards. His feature-length debut was 2000's Sexy Beast, a remarkable crime film dominated by an award winning performance from Ben Kingsley. His follow-up, Birth, met with mixed reviews and even received boos at the Venice Film Festival. Almost a decade later, Glazer has finally released his third picture, Under the Skin, a minimalistic sci-fi flick with Scarlett Johansson in the lead.

As a member of the Avengers, Johansson is the sultry Black Widow, but in Under the Skin, she plays a different sort of black widow. She is an unnamed alien who has taken human form. She trawls the streets of Glasgow, Scotland luring men into her van. These unsuspecting males are so enamored by this otherworldly beauty that they don't sense anything amiss. Not even when they are taken to a room with jet black walls and they sink into a viscous liquid. What happens next is quite horrifying.

Under the Skin is loosely based on a novel by Michel Faber. The source material was a satire and the irony of the human race treated as cattle for an alien species was emphasized. For the film version, Glazer scrapped away any trace of humor for an eerie story with an air of mystery. Glazer wisely avoids delving into the origins of the extraterrestrials. There is no voiceover narration or internal monologues to spell out every emotion or motivation. Exactly why they collect the humans is never explained, but it's clear they view us as nothing more than hogs to be led to the slaughter. This becomes particularly clear in a chilling sequence in which a crying baby is left alone on a beach, completely ignored by Johansson and her male handler (professional motorcyclist Jeremy McWilliams).

The country of Scotland is equally portrayed as equally otherworldly, a realm of perpetually gray skies and inhabitants with indiscernible accents. The gloomy landscape is effectively scored by Mica Levi who utilizes a recurring theme of creepy and screeching violin strings.

Johansson might not seem like it, but she is perfectly cast as the seductress from outer space. However, this isn't a 1950's drive-in movie. She doesn't vamp it up and though there are a handful of nude scenes, there's nothing sexy or erotic about them. Through her character, Glazer explores the hot button topics of gender politics, sexual identity, and body image.

One of the reasons for the long gap between films was Glazer's need to wait for technology to provide hidden cameras of the highest quality. Clad in a fur coat and black wig, Johansson would drive through Glasgow picking up random pedestrians. Many of these men had no idea they were the woman twice named "Sexiest Woman Alive" by Esquire. Glazer had them and other non-actors sign agreements to appear in the movie. Let's face it; if a man attempted to flirt with unsuspecting women while behind the wheel of a serial killer van, it would not end well. There would be flashes of Silence of the Lambs, followed by frantic calls to the police. Yet, men seem to have no problem hopping into the van with Johansson, regardless of the horrific fate awaiting them.

Make no mistake; Johansson won't be confused with Natasha Henstridge in Species. There's nothing overtly sexual about her character nor is there any malice in her actions. She is simply performing a duty that seems necessary for the survival of her kind. Yet, there is a prevailing discomfort she feels while trapped within her gooey flesh. She never quite grows accustomed to her new body and many people will probably sympathize. Of course, she'll eventually start to question her question her purpose as the pangs of human emotions seep through. The turning point comes when she encounters a shy, young man with facial disfigurements, played by Adam Pearson who suffers from neurofibromatosis.

Many reviews have brought up Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey in comparison to Under the Skin. However, I'd liken Glazer's picture to Nicholas Roeg's The Man Who Fell to Earth on a shoestring budget. Glazer has essentially crafted a B-movie with haunting, arthouse aesthetics. Under the Skin is easily one of the best films of 2014.

Rating: **** (*****) 

Enemy

Enemy - Dir. Denis Villeneuve (2014)

"Chaos is order yet undeciphered."

2014 was a good year for fans of doppelganger cinema. Richard Ayoade featured Jesse Eisenberg in dual roles in The Double and Denis Villeneuve does the same with Jake Gyllenhaal in Enemy. Villeneuve earned rave reviews for Incendies, which earned an Academy Award nomination for Best Foreign Language Film. The notoriety caught Hollywood's attention and Villeneuve made a big debut with Prisoners, an epic thriller starring Gyllenhaal and Hugh Jackman.

Enemy is a much smaller and intimate drama, loosely based on a novel by Jose Saramago. Villeneuve transplants the action from Portugal to Toronto and casts Gyllenhaal as history professor Adam Bell. Bell leads an uneventful life. He rarely goes out and gives the same lectures (dictatorships, totalitarianism) again and again to a sparse group of students. Even sex with his girlfriend Mary (Mélanie Laurent) seems to be perfunctory. One day, a colleague recommends Adam check out a movie titled Where There's a Will, There's a Way. To his shock, Adam notices a background character that looks exactly like him. After much research, Adam learns his duplicate is Anthony Claire, an actor based in Toronto. After several awkward phone conversations, Adam and Anthony set a meeting.

Any further revelations of the plot would spoil the film. Suffice to say, the lookalikes switch places to see how the other lives. Let's just say, this isn't The Prince and the Pauper. There's no happy ending and nobody learns a valuable lesson.

If Prisoners was an extended episode of Law & Order, Enemy could be described as a lost episode of Twin Peaks with a dash of David Cronenberg to spice it up. "Enemy" is an enigmatic picture that offers plenty of questions and no answers. This is the type of film that is ripe for discussion and multiple interpretations. The movie opens with an unsettling scene in which Anthony attends an underground erotic club involving women crushing tarantulas with their stiletto heels. Imagery of spiders and webs is a recurring theme within Enemy, perhaps as a metaphor for the way in which the twins have been ensnared by the women in their lives. Or maybe it's a symbol for the totalitarian governments Adam lectures about. Again, Villeneuve never spells it out for you.

The connection between Adam and Anthony is never made clear either. Is it a cosmic fluke or are the two simply related by blood? A sit-down with Adam and his mother (Isabella Rossellini) almost points to the latter.

Gyllenhaal turns in a pair of great performances as Adam and Anthony. The dual roles are certainly reminiscent of Jeremy Irons in Dead Ringers. Gyllenhaal is understated as Adam giving him a slight slouch and a subtle uneasiness. As Anthony, he's bolder and more confident. Sarah Gadon, who has been popping up in both David and Brandon Cronenberg's pictures, has the most substantial female role in Enemy as Anthony's pregnant wife Helen. She gives a quiet performance that conveys a world of sadness and desperation.

Enemy might not appeal to an audience seeking conventional cinema. This one is for the arthouse crowd. Villeneuve has crafted an eerie, thought-provoking thriller anchored by the engrossing performances of Gyllenhaal and Gadon.

Rating: *** (*****)

A Haunted House 2

A Haunted House 2 – Dir. Michael Tiddes (2014)

It's the sequel to a movie nobody asked for in the first place.

Marlon Wayans and his many brothers kicked off the Scary Movie franchise, which parodied horror movies using Scream as its spine. They departed from the series after the second movie. In 2013, Wayans struck out on his own with A Haunted House, a parody of the found footage genre, specifically Paranormal Activity. Despite being ravaged by critics, the film earned $60 million worldwide off a modest budget of #$2.5 million. If you know Hollywood, you know they'll jump on anything that makes a modicum of money. Hence, we have the inexplicable existence of A Haunted House 2.

For those of you who missed the original picture, Malcolm Johnson (Wayans) moves into a new home with his girlfriend Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) only for the loving couple to suffer a string of supernatural phenomena. Part 2 begins right where they left off with Malcolm and his cousin Ray-Ray (Affion Crockett) attempting to drive a possessed Kisha to the hospital. They are struck by a passing vehicle and flee the scene leaving behind the unresponsive Kisha.

One year later, Malcolm has a new wife and a new house. He is now married to Megan (Jaime Pressly) and serves as stepfather to her two children, Becky (Ashley Rickards) and Wyatt (Steele Stebbins). Becky, like most teenage girls, is sullen and disrespectful to her mom's new husband. Wyatt is an odd boy who speaks to an invisible friend named Tony just as Danny did in The Shining. Only in this case, Wyatt's Tony is black and enjoys profanity and vodka.

Malcolm finds that Wyatt's behavior isn't the only thing strange going on in his life. The previous homeowners left behind a few objects including a creepy doll named Abigail, some disturbing reels of 16mm film, and a smelly antique box that fascinates Becky. Malcolm quickly discovers that the evil that plagued him before has followed him.

Wayans once again assumes multiple duties as star, co-writer, and producer for A Haunted House 2. He barely had enough material for one movie, let alone two. Wayans relies almost entirely on lazy references to recent horror flicks such as The Conjuring, The Possession, The Last Exorcism, and Sinister. The rest of his jokes usually involve racial stereotypes and name dropping celebrities (the Kardashians, Kanye West, etc.). Wayans blatantly pads out the running time by prolonging his already unfunny gags. The sight of a bare-assed Wayans having intercourse with the doll will be burned into your memory as the scene is stretching beyond any reasonable length. The joke continues to draw zero guffaws when the doll begins sending Malcolm gross selfies on his phone.

The sequel does have a stronger supporting cast than its predecessor, which makes it all the more disappointing when the film does nothing with them. Jaime Pressly can be very funny as evidenced by her time on My Name is Earl, but her character is rendered as nothing more than as an emasculating harpy. At least, she's gorgeous to look at. Cedric the Entertainer returns as the volatile Father Doug with Gabriel Iglesias as Malcolm's neighbor. Both are talented comedians who fail to inject humor in the puerile material. Hayes MacArthur and Missi Pyle are equally wasted as paranormal investigators modeled after Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga in The Conjuring. Wayans himself simply mugs for the camera, screeching and yammering every chance he gets. The only actor in the movie to garner an iota of amusement is Rick Overton as a paranormal scholar who cooks meth on the side.

Rating: * (*****)

Sabotage

Sabotage - Dir. David Ayer (2014)

Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't exactly had the best of luck since making his return to feature films. His starring roles in The Last Stand and Escape Plan didn't light up the box office. In fact, Last Stand seemed to disappear from theaters almost as soon as it arrived. That's a shame because it was a fun, little action movie, which is more than could be said for Sabotage, an ensemble piece from director David Ayer. Ayer has been known for shining a gritty spotlight on law enforcement with films like Training Day, Harsh Times, Street Kings, and End of Watch. This time, he turns his attention from the LAPD to the Drug Enforcement Agency.

Arnold stars as John "Breacher" Wharton, a head of an elite team of DEA agents. Wharton became known for bringing down the infamous leader of a Mexican drug cartel. However, in revenge, the cartel had Breacher's wife and son tortured to death. Breacher's team consists of a bunch of foul-mouthed, hard-drinking agents with nicknames that make them sound like G.I. Joes. There's Smoke (Mark Schlegel), Tripod (Kevin Vance), Pyro (Max Martini), Sugar (Terrence Howard), Grinder (Joe Manganiello), Neck (Josh Holloway), Monster (Sam Worthington), and his wife Lizzy (Mireille Enos).

During a raid on a cartel safe house, Breacher and his team steal $10 million and stash it down a sewer pipe. But, when they come back for it, the cash is gone. The unit spends the next several months on the sidelines while under investigation. Just as they are reinstated, someone begins murdering the agents one by one in gruesome manner. Is the cartel looking for revenge or is the killer someone within?

Arnold should be commended for stepping slightly out of his comfort zone. He's not the invincible hero we've seen him play countless times before. There's weariness to his character, one who is burdened by his almost mythical reputation, which could be seen as a meta-comment on his real life. The rippling muscles are gone, but the size and bulk are still there as Arnold resembles a weathered human bulldozer. Breacher is the darkest character Arnold has played and he's in perfect company. None of the protagonists are very sympathetic. In fact, they're all scumbags. They drink, curse, and don't seem to value life. Thus, we're hardly invested in the half-hearted, Agatha Christie murder mystery at the heart of the film.

The screenplay by Ayer and Skip Woods (who brought us Swordfish and A Good Day To Die Hard) seems more preoccupied with gruesome deaths than with creating any compelling characters. We see a man nailed to the ceiling with guts and blood spilled all over the floor, but no logical explanation as to how the killer got from point A to point B. A climactic car chase is nothing short of gratuitous when it turns into a scene from Grand Theft Auto as innocent bystanders are splattered across a windshield. The movie was previously titled Breacher and Ten, but the studio eventually settled on the generic sounding Sabotage, despite there being no examples of actual sabotage in the story.

Actors like Harold Perrineau and Josh Holloway are in so few scenes that you wonder why they bothered to show up at all. Sam Worthington has fallen far from Pandora. Not only is he barely in the movie, he's also barely recognizable with his shaved head and braided goatee. He and co-star Joe Manganiello look like they were trying out for Sons of Anarchy and took a wrong turn. The best performance in Sabotage belongs to Mireille Enos whose Lizzy is a hot mess, drug-addled due to her extensive undercover work. She's the sole woman on the team and plays it fierce as a way to overcompensate amidst the ocean of testosterone. She's hardly a glowing example of a strong female character and neither is Olivia Williams as an FBI agent assigned to the murders. Her character leaps into bed with Breacher in a wholly superfluous scene. Williams is a fine British actress, but her attempts at a Southern drawl yield embarrassing results.

Even the most ardent aficionado of Arnold actioners will have a hard time finding anything redeeming in Sabotage.

Rating: * (*****)

The Expendables 3

The Expendables 3 - Dir. Patrick Hughes (2014)

Menahem Golan passed away on August 8^th at the age of 85. Most of you might not know his name, but you definitely know his work. Golan directed The Delta Force with Chuck Norris and Over the Top with Sylvester Stallone. Golan was better known as a prolific producer who took over Cannon Films in 1979 with his cousin Yoram Globus. Together, they churned out  movies like Missing in Action, Death Wish II through Death Wish 4, American Ninja, Masters of the Universe, and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Sure, they weren't classics, but their output became synonymous with the 80's action era.

Stallone has found a way to keep that genre on life support with The Expendables series. Each film sees Stallone assemble an all-star cast of action heroes for two hours of explosions, mayhem, and bloodshed. These movies are heavy on testosterone, but the scripts are light on plot, characterization, and wit. Still, the franchise has kept afloat as we now get set for The Expendables 3.

Barney Ross (Stallone) and his team of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), and Toll Road (Randy Couture) are dropped into some anonymous Eastern European country. In a wild opener, the team rescues Doctor Death (Wesley Snipes), a founding member of the Expendables who has been imprisoned for years after a failed assassination attempt. Doc proceeds to hijack a transport train and crash it into the prison, likely killing hundreds of guards and inmates, just to get revenge on the sadistic warden. There's no rest for the wicked as Ross and company are tasked with taking out a notorious arms dealer, who is revealed to be Conrad Stonebanks (Mel Gibson), another founding member. Stonebanks was seemingly killed by Ross after turning to the dark side.

The Expendables barely escape with Hale Caesar suffering life threatening injuries. Not wanting to see anymore of his comrades dead, Ross puts together an all-new team with of fresh faces. Meet Smilee (Kellan Lutz), Mars (Victor Ortiz), Thorn (Glen Powell), and Luna (Ronda Rousey).

The Expendables has largely traded on nostalgia. In particular, the sequel featured the novelty of Jean-Claude Van Damme as a Euro-trash villain and the trifecta of Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Stallone sharing the screen and mowing down wave after wave of faceless henchmen. Sadly, Expendables 3 seems to have forgotten about the elements that make the whole endeavor work. Yes, Stallone has added several notable names to the roster, but they aren't expected stars like Steven Seagal or Jackie Chan. Wesley Snipes makes his return to the screen and he's clearly enjoying the opportunity. There's a meta-moment when Snipes jokes that he was serving time for tax evasion. He's got great charisma as does Antonio Banderas as the loquacious Galgo, who is overly eager to join up with the Expendables.

When Willis split over a disagreement in pay, Harrison Ford stepped in as the new CIA handler Max Drummer. Ford is at crotchety level 11, growling and snarling every piece of dialogue. However, he's still Harrison Ford and the best one-liners they can come up with is, "That's gotta hurt." Chalk that up to a screenplay by Stallone and the team of Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt, who also penned Olympus Has Fallen. Mel Gibson finds himself in the same boat. He chews the scenery whenever he gets the chance as the villain, who's not as cartoonish as Luther Voz in Machete Kills.

One nice surprise is Kelsey Grammer, an actor not exactly known for action roles. But, it's been the summer of Frasier with Grammer also appearing in X-Men: Days of Future Past and Transformers: Age of Extinction. Grammer plays Bonaparte, a facilitator that assists Ross in recruiting young blood.

Therein lays the primary problem with The Expendables 3. People came to see the big stars, not a bunch of newbies. Expendables: The Next Generation barely has the chance to develop any sort of personality other than one is a tech expert and one is a woman. Speaking of which, UFC's Ronda Rousey is a welcome change for this overwhelming sausage party, but she gives wooden line readings for the few bits of dialogue she's given. Stick with punching dudes in the face. Kellan Lutz plays a down-and-out soldier with an anti-authority issue, which never gets brought up again. The whole idea of bringing them in makes no sense. Barney Ross doesn't want his friends to die, but has no problem getting people he just met killed? And the more time we spend with them, the less we do with actors that are actually interesting.

After the slam-bang prologue, the movie lulls into a slumber as it introduces the new characters and puts them into danger so the old guard can come to their rescue. At over 2 hours long, the third installment is the lengthiest off the trilogy and there was just no need for those additional twenty minutes. The movie doesn’t pick up until the third act when Expendables of all ages join forces to battle Stonebanks and the entire army of a fictional Slavic country. Since this is PG-13, limbs aren't chopped off and human bodies aren't blown to bits. Just because Expendables 3 isn't R-rated, doesn't meant the body count has lessened. Hundreds of soldiers are gunned down, blown up by grenades, or impaled by throwing knives. Almost everyone gets their own moment to shine, from Rousey using MMA moves to snap limbs to Lutz pulling a Steve McQueen by jumping a motorcycle. Ford busts out his piloting skills by flying a chopper into the combat zone with Arnold and Jet Li riding shotgun. By the way, Jet Li pops up for about five minutes and all he does is fire a machine gun, despite being one of the greatest martial arts stars in movie history. And while Arnold doesn't bust out another "I'll be back," he does reprise his famous line from Predator, "Get to da choppa!"

Stallone and Schwarzenegger share a quiet scene in which the two contemplate retiring from the gun-for-hire business. You could also take it as commentary on their acting careers. Neither man has lit up the box office the way they did back in the 80's. They aren't slow down either with Stallone set for Rambo V and Arnold working on Terminator: Genesys and Legend of Conan. They might not be ready to hang up their combat boots, but maybe it's time to put The Expendables out to pasture if this is the best they can do.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Divergent

Divergent - Dir. Neil Burger (2014)

"You're different. You don't fit into a category. They can't control you. They call it Divergent."

Summit Entertainment has the magic touch when it comes to turning young adult novels into blockbuster movies. While other studios have struggled to launch one franchise, Summit has been raking in the dough with Twilight and The Hunger Games. Now, the sparkly vampires have been put to pasture and the adventures of Katniss Everdeen are drawing to a close. Don't shed any tears; Summit already has their next money making machine with Divergent, based on the best-selling book series by Veronica Roth.

In the future, war ravaged mankind, but society settled into harmony by dividing its people into five different factions. Survivors have settled into the city of Chicago, now surrounded by a great wall that shields them from the untamed world. Candor is devoted to truth, Erudite to intellectual pursuits, and Amity to joy. Dauntless are the brave thrill seekers who serve as the city's security force. Abnegation is selfless. They live modestly and serve as the city's civic leaders. When the time comes, the city's children must choose their faction. Whatever their choice, they must remain in that faction, even if it means never seeing their families again. As they say, faction before blood. Those who don't fit in or wash out become factionless, the equivalent of being

Like most teenagers, Beatrice "Tris" Prior (Shailene Woodley) isn't sure where she belongs. She was born in Abnegation and her father (Tony Goldwyn) is a member of the faction's ruling council. During an Inception-style aptitude test, Tris discovers that she doesn't fit into one category, but all of them. She is Divergent and they are considered a danger to this utopian society.

At the Choosing Ceremony, Tris selects Dauntless and undergoes the rigorous training in hand-to-hand combat and knife throwing under the supervision of the sadistic Eric (Jai Courtney). Tris grows closer to another trainer, the handsome, but initially distant Four (Theo James). Together, they uncover a conspiracy by Jeanine Matthews (Kate Winslet), leader of Erudite, who plots to use members of Dauntless to stage a coup and overthrow Abnegation.

Divergent will immediately draw comparisons to other YA adaptations as it shares many familiar concepts. The idea of factions and a choosing ceremony will recall the houses and sorting hat sequences of Harry Potter. Psychological tests involving virtual reality simulations are reminiscent of Ender's Game. At the center of it all is a special young girl who must save the entire world just like The Hunger Games and The Mortal Instruments. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's nice to see Hollywood so willing to produce big blockbusters with a strong female protagonist. Without a doubt, women and teenagers are the core audience for Divergent, but other demographics might be drawn to the story.

Yes, there is a romance between Tris and Four, but it is not the central thread. More importantly, Tris is not utterly defined by her love life. She's not constantly pining for the brooding bad boy. There's enough action here to capture the attention of the males in the audience. As they did with The Hunger Games, Summit and Lionsgate hired a director known more for drama than action or sci-fi. In this case, Neil Burger, who also helmed The Illusionist and Limitless, was tapped to steer the first entry in the franchise. Burger's set pieces aren't spectacular or stylish, but he doesn't chop them into incoherence the way Gary Ross did in Hunger Games.

Divergent falters by building a foundation on top of a shaky concept. The idea of factions works as a heavy-handed metaphor for bullying, conformity, and teens struggling to find their place in the world. Yet, the notion makes less sense upon further inspection. Someone can be intelligent, but not selfless or brave? If you're happy, does that mean you can't be truthful or smart as well? Candor is the least fleshed out faction in Divergent. At least, Amity is shown to farm the fields. Maybe this is because telling everyone they DO look fat in that outfit isn't very cinematic. The pacing of Divergent takes a dip in the middle section as the film devotes a lot of time to exposition and training exercises.

On the other hand, Summit has rounded up a fine collection of young actors to elevate the staid material. Shailene Woodley is a natural in the lead role and there's good chemistry on-screen between her and Theo James. Miles Teller and Ansel Elgort, Woodley's love interests from The Spectacular Now and The Fault in Our Stars, co-star with Teller as a mean-spirited rival and Elgort as Tris's brother Caleb. There's also Zoe Kravitz as fellow Dauntless member Christina and Jai Courtney makes a great impression as the cocky and cruel Eric. Not faring as well is an assortment of established thespians who are clearly set up for larger roles in the sequels. That means Ray Stevenson, Maggie Q, Mekhi Phifer, Ashley Judd, and Tony Goldwyn aren't given a lot to do in their handful of scenes. At least, Kate Winslet gets to sink her teeth into a rare villainous role as the icy Jeanine.

At a runtime of 140 minutes, Divergent could have used a tighter pace and judicious editing as too much time is spent on building the perplexing world and its myriad of rules. Then again, I'm not the target audience. Devotees of the books will no doubt be thrilled to see all their favorite characters breathed into life.

Rating: ** (*****)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Dir. Jonathan Liebesman (2014)

Heroes in a half shell…turtle power!

Thirty years ago, two down on their luck artists named Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman when one of them drew an anthropomorphized turtle holding martial arts weapons. That idea grew into a black and white comic book titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The issue was a parody of the top selling series of the time, Daredevil, X-Men, and Teen Titans, which featured ninjas, mutants, and teenagers. The tone of the comic aped the grim and gritty style of the 1980's. It was violent with the Turtles killing their enemies and their chief adversary, Shredder, was stabbed, tossed off a roof, and blown up by a grenade. Surprisingly, somebody thought this was a great property for kids. The Turtles were licensed to Playmates who turned them into the catchphrase spewing, pizza munching stars of a family friendly cartoon. They became a merchandising juggernaut and over the next two decades were featured in three live-action films, a CG animated movie, and a myriad of cartoons and comics.

The Turtles are gracing the silver screen once more courtesy of Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes. Yes, the same Michael Bay who assaulted your senses with four mind-numbing Transformers pictures. Bay isn't sitting behind the camera this time around as he's turned the directorial reins over to Jonathan Liebesman, who previously helmed Battle: Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans. Not that it matters, Bay's fingerprints are all over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as evidenced by the lowbrow humor, nonsensical action sequences, and blatant product placement. Sure, Pizza Hut was expected, but did we truly need a massive billboard for Project Almanac, another Platinum Dunes production?

Megan Fox, who made tabloid headlines by badmouthing Bay, has evidently kissed and made up as she takes on the role of April O'Neil, intrepid reporter for Channel 6 News. April and her love struck cameraman Vernon Fenwick (Will Arnett) are stuck covering fluff pieces while New York City is terrorized by a criminal organization known as the Foot Clan. A group of mysterious vigilantes have been fighting back to protect the citizens of the Big Apple. April discovers these heroes are super-strong, humanoid turtles who have learned ninjitsu from their rat master Splinter (Danny Woodburn, voiced by Tony Shalhoub). These Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just happen to have surprising ties to her own past.

Splinter and the Turtles were lab animals for an experiment conducted by April's late-father and Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), who were using a mutagen with the potential to cure all disease. Now, Sacks is in league with the Foot and their shadowy leader, The Shredder (Tohoru Masamune), to unleash a biological weapon on the city in order to sell a cure derived from the Turtles' blood. At least, I think that was the grand scheme, considering it's basically the same one already seen in The Amazing Spider-Man and the last two Transformers. Bad guy attaches device to the top of a skyscraper, stuff explodes, and the good guys dangle precariously as the building topples. The script by Josh Appelbaum and André Nemec (with rewrites by Evan Daughterty) doesn't bother to elaborate.

Franchise devotees were in an uproar when rumors emerged that the Ninja Turtles were going to be of extraterrestrial origins. Thankfully, that plot twist was tossed away. And while the Turtles' origin is slightly more convoluted than necessary it remains true to the TMNT mythology. Contrary to early script leaks and interviews, William Fichtner's Eric Sacks is not Shredder, who remains a formidable foe of Japanese descent. However, it wouldn't be surprising to learn these were last-minute changes to alleviate fan criticism. If nothing else, Eric Sacks is clearly an anglicized variation of Shredder's real name Oroku Saki. Really the actor playing Shredder is inconsequential as the character spends the majority of the movie as a digital effect. He resembles a rejected design of Drift, the samurai caricature from Transformers: Age of Extinction, with Ginsu knives coming out of his hands. The Turtles themselves are re-imagined in a more realistic manner, a complete 180 from the cartoonish suits made by the Jim Henson Company for the original movies.

Ninja Turtles attempts to tread a thin line between realism and cartoony. The filmmakers want a grounded approach ala Christopher Nolan. Hence, you get Turtles that are less adorable and the Foot as paramilitary troops instead of purple-clad ninjas. However, there's no denying the inherent silliness of the concept, especially when you watch a giant talking turtle riding around on a rocket-powered skateboard. The writers seem to have no problem poking fun at the characters and offer a semi-apology when Michelangelo shouts "Cowabunga." At the same time, there's the incessant desire to explain every recognizable Turtle trait as if we absolutely needed to know why the Turtles love pizza or how the Turtles became martial arts masters. Apparently, Splinter simply found a tattered instructional guide. It's the Ratatouille philosophy, anyone can be a ninja. On the other hand, they avoid trying to explain how a turtle living in the sewers could build high-tech devices with holographic displays.

A lot of thought must have gone in to weaving the Ninja Turtles' backstory, but a miniscule amount of effort was given to create three dimensional personalities for the characters. If you remember the original cartoon theme song, you'll know exactly who each Turtle is. Leonardo (Pete Ploszek, voice by Johnny Knoxville) is the leader, Donatello (Jeremy Howard) is the computer expert, Raphael (Alan Ritchson) is the hothead, and Michelangelo (Noel Fisher) is a party dude. By the way, Donatello isn't just a nerd; he's the 21^st century archetype who speaks like Jesse Eisenberg and wears thick glasses. Evidently, mutagen can give you super-strength and enhanced intelligence, but not 20/20 vision.

There are times when the Turtles fade into the background in favor of April's story, much like how the Autobots were bit players in the annoying life of Shia LeBeouf. For her part, Megan Fox isn't bad, she's just wooden and most of the time she's only called upon to stare with wide-eyed puzzlement. It's no spoiler to say that William Fichtner is revealed to be a villain because you don't cast William Fichtner to play a kind-hearted philanthropist. Whoopi Goldberg pops up as April's boss Bernadette Thompson while Abby Elliot appears in two droll scenes as April's roommate. Long-time fans might be pleased at the inclusion of Minae Noji as Karai, a character who has been depicted in some incarnations as Shredder's daughter.

If you thought Will Arnett would bring the funny, think about as the majority of his humor falls flat. Most of the film's gags revolve around how everyone, man or turtle, lusts after Megan Fox. Throw in a fart joke and a few tired references to internet cat memes and Lost and you’ve got yourself Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The only genuine moment of amusement comes from a scene when the Turtles ride an elevator to their showdown with Shredder. Michelangelo beatboxes as his Turtle brothers as percussive instruments as if they were auditioning for Stomp.

The action sequences are actually fun with the centerpiece being a wild chase down a snow-covered mountain. The humans hang on for dear life inside an out-of-control 18-wheeler while the Turtles use their shells as sleds and offensive weapons, turning themselves into living cannonballs. When Splinter leaps into the fray, it's reminiscent of Yoda finally cutting loose in Attack of the Clones.

Early on, the film hints at the mutagen may have come from outer space in a foreshadowing of Krang, the alien brain from Dimension X. Nothing about the latest Turtles picture makes me yearn for a sequel so the producers could screw up Casey Jones, Rocksteady, and Bebop. I wouldn't say Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is as stale as day-old pizza because day-old pizza can still be pretty good. The movie is clearly targeted to the young kids who will buy the action figures and the Ninja Turtle pajamas. Older fans will find that these turtles are an empty shell of their former selves.

Rating: * ½ (*****)