Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Dir. Jonathan Liebesman (2014)

Heroes in a half shell…turtle power!

Thirty years ago, two down on their luck artists named Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman when one of them drew an anthropomorphized turtle holding martial arts weapons. That idea grew into a black and white comic book titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The issue was a parody of the top selling series of the time, Daredevil, X-Men, and Teen Titans, which featured ninjas, mutants, and teenagers. The tone of the comic aped the grim and gritty style of the 1980's. It was violent with the Turtles killing their enemies and their chief adversary, Shredder, was stabbed, tossed off a roof, and blown up by a grenade. Surprisingly, somebody thought this was a great property for kids. The Turtles were licensed to Playmates who turned them into the catchphrase spewing, pizza munching stars of a family friendly cartoon. They became a merchandising juggernaut and over the next two decades were featured in three live-action films, a CG animated movie, and a myriad of cartoons and comics.

The Turtles are gracing the silver screen once more courtesy of Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes. Yes, the same Michael Bay who assaulted your senses with four mind-numbing Transformers pictures. Bay isn't sitting behind the camera this time around as he's turned the directorial reins over to Jonathan Liebesman, who previously helmed Battle: Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans. Not that it matters, Bay's fingerprints are all over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as evidenced by the lowbrow humor, nonsensical action sequences, and blatant product placement. Sure, Pizza Hut was expected, but did we truly need a massive billboard for Project Almanac, another Platinum Dunes production?

Megan Fox, who made tabloid headlines by badmouthing Bay, has evidently kissed and made up as she takes on the role of April O'Neil, intrepid reporter for Channel 6 News. April and her love struck cameraman Vernon Fenwick (Will Arnett) are stuck covering fluff pieces while New York City is terrorized by a criminal organization known as the Foot Clan. A group of mysterious vigilantes have been fighting back to protect the citizens of the Big Apple. April discovers these heroes are super-strong, humanoid turtles who have learned ninjitsu from their rat master Splinter (Danny Woodburn, voiced by Tony Shalhoub). These Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just happen to have surprising ties to her own past.

Splinter and the Turtles were lab animals for an experiment conducted by April's late-father and Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), who were using a mutagen with the potential to cure all disease. Now, Sacks is in league with the Foot and their shadowy leader, The Shredder (Tohoru Masamune), to unleash a biological weapon on the city in order to sell a cure derived from the Turtles' blood. At least, I think that was the grand scheme, considering it's basically the same one already seen in The Amazing Spider-Man and the last two Transformers. Bad guy attaches device to the top of a skyscraper, stuff explodes, and the good guys dangle precariously as the building topples. The script by Josh Appelbaum and André Nemec (with rewrites by Evan Daughterty) doesn't bother to elaborate.

Franchise devotees were in an uproar when rumors emerged that the Ninja Turtles were going to be of extraterrestrial origins. Thankfully, that plot twist was tossed away. And while the Turtles' origin is slightly more convoluted than necessary it remains true to the TMNT mythology. Contrary to early script leaks and interviews, William Fichtner's Eric Sacks is not Shredder, who remains a formidable foe of Japanese descent. However, it wouldn't be surprising to learn these were last-minute changes to alleviate fan criticism. If nothing else, Eric Sacks is clearly an anglicized variation of Shredder's real name Oroku Saki. Really the actor playing Shredder is inconsequential as the character spends the majority of the movie as a digital effect. He resembles a rejected design of Drift, the samurai caricature from Transformers: Age of Extinction, with Ginsu knives coming out of his hands. The Turtles themselves are re-imagined in a more realistic manner, a complete 180 from the cartoonish suits made by the Jim Henson Company for the original movies.

Ninja Turtles attempts to tread a thin line between realism and cartoony. The filmmakers want a grounded approach ala Christopher Nolan. Hence, you get Turtles that are less adorable and the Foot as paramilitary troops instead of purple-clad ninjas. However, there's no denying the inherent silliness of the concept, especially when you watch a giant talking turtle riding around on a rocket-powered skateboard. The writers seem to have no problem poking fun at the characters and offer a semi-apology when Michelangelo shouts "Cowabunga." At the same time, there's the incessant desire to explain every recognizable Turtle trait as if we absolutely needed to know why the Turtles love pizza or how the Turtles became martial arts masters. Apparently, Splinter simply found a tattered instructional guide. It's the Ratatouille philosophy, anyone can be a ninja. On the other hand, they avoid trying to explain how a turtle living in the sewers could build high-tech devices with holographic displays.

A lot of thought must have gone in to weaving the Ninja Turtles' backstory, but a miniscule amount of effort was given to create three dimensional personalities for the characters. If you remember the original cartoon theme song, you'll know exactly who each Turtle is. Leonardo (Pete Ploszek, voice by Johnny Knoxville) is the leader, Donatello (Jeremy Howard) is the computer expert, Raphael (Alan Ritchson) is the hothead, and Michelangelo (Noel Fisher) is a party dude. By the way, Donatello isn't just a nerd; he's the 21^st century archetype who speaks like Jesse Eisenberg and wears thick glasses. Evidently, mutagen can give you super-strength and enhanced intelligence, but not 20/20 vision.

There are times when the Turtles fade into the background in favor of April's story, much like how the Autobots were bit players in the annoying life of Shia LeBeouf. For her part, Megan Fox isn't bad, she's just wooden and most of the time she's only called upon to stare with wide-eyed puzzlement. It's no spoiler to say that William Fichtner is revealed to be a villain because you don't cast William Fichtner to play a kind-hearted philanthropist. Whoopi Goldberg pops up as April's boss Bernadette Thompson while Abby Elliot appears in two droll scenes as April's roommate. Long-time fans might be pleased at the inclusion of Minae Noji as Karai, a character who has been depicted in some incarnations as Shredder's daughter.

If you thought Will Arnett would bring the funny, think about as the majority of his humor falls flat. Most of the film's gags revolve around how everyone, man or turtle, lusts after Megan Fox. Throw in a fart joke and a few tired references to internet cat memes and Lost and you’ve got yourself Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The only genuine moment of amusement comes from a scene when the Turtles ride an elevator to their showdown with Shredder. Michelangelo beatboxes as his Turtle brothers as percussive instruments as if they were auditioning for Stomp.

The action sequences are actually fun with the centerpiece being a wild chase down a snow-covered mountain. The humans hang on for dear life inside an out-of-control 18-wheeler while the Turtles use their shells as sleds and offensive weapons, turning themselves into living cannonballs. When Splinter leaps into the fray, it's reminiscent of Yoda finally cutting loose in Attack of the Clones.

Early on, the film hints at the mutagen may have come from outer space in a foreshadowing of Krang, the alien brain from Dimension X. Nothing about the latest Turtles picture makes me yearn for a sequel so the producers could screw up Casey Jones, Rocksteady, and Bebop. I wouldn't say Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is as stale as day-old pizza because day-old pizza can still be pretty good. The movie is clearly targeted to the young kids who will buy the action figures and the Ninja Turtle pajamas. Older fans will find that these turtles are an empty shell of their former selves.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

This Is 40

This Is 40 - Dir. Judd Apatow (2012)

Judd Apatow's latest film, This Is 40, is marketed as being a "sort of" sequel to his second directorial effort, Knocked Up. Though Knocked Up turned Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl into bankable movie stars, neither of them makes an appearance in This Is 40. In fact, other than a passing reference, you don't need to see both to understand the story. The sequel is more of a spin-off focusing on Pete (Paul Rudd) and his wife, Debbie (Leslie Mann), the older sister of Heigl's character. This Is 40 has less of the zany energy and ribald humor of Apatow's earlier pictures. It's a bit more mature in the vein of his last film, Funny People. It could also be considered Apatow's most personal and semi-autobiographical since it stars his real-life family with Rudd as his stand-in.

Pete and Debbie are dealing with all the trials and tribulations of married life and middle age. Separately, they have their own issues. Pete runs an independent record label that isn't doing well and he has to cut checks that he can't afford to his freeloading father (Albert Brooks). Debbie runs a clothing store and tries to figure out which of her employees (Megan Fox and Charlyne Yi) are stealing from the register. She too has a contentious relationship with her own father (John Lithgow), a distant man who spends more time with his new family. Together, they get into arguments about finances, dieting, and parenthood. Their eldest daughter, Sadie (Maude Apatow), is going through her tempestuous teenage years and screaming at her parents and little sister (Iris Apatow).

One of the frequent complaints against Apatow productions are the lengthy runtimes. You could say This Is 40 is 40 minutes too long. Apatow's improvisational style exacerbates the problem by giving the film a loosey-goosey feel. There's no driving narrative with the movie playing out as a series of episodic vignettes. It's also difficult to feel any sympathy for the characters when they have such first world problems. Pete eats too many cupcakes while Sadie spends all her time catching up on Lost. They live in upper middle class bliss with a trampoline and swimming pool in their backyard. It's hard to relate to their money problems when they throw catered birthday parties and own every conceivable gadget emblazoned with an Apple logo.

Still, Apatow manages to glean kernels of truth from mundane everyday life. Debbie is grossed out when Pete farts in bed and feels insecure about her body in comparison to the shapely Megan Fox. Horndogs will definitely enjoy the scene where the two ladies compare the texture of their breasts. Pete's need to escape from his family hasn't waned. Rather than fantasy baseball, he hides in the bathroom and plays Bejeweled Blitz on his iPad. Pete and Debbie both suffer the indignities of invasive prostate exams and colonoscopies. That may pale in comparison to the awkwardness of reading their daughter's internet chatter. This leads to a hilarious series of escalating confrontations with an angry parent played with gusto by Melissa McCarthy. There's a satisfying emotional payoff to the subplot as husband and wife join forces against a common enemy and remember just why they fell in love.

There's a wealth of talent in the supporting cast with bit roles filled out by Chris O'Dowd, Lena Dunham, Michael Ian Black, Jason Segel, Robert Smigel, Bridesmaids co-writer Annie Mumolo, Tatum O'Neal, and Billie Joe Armstrong as himself. Megan Fox is surprisingly game in a rare comedic turn. Albert Brooks is an old hat at improve and his style meshes well with Apatow. Too bad he didn't have more scenes with John Lithgow.

Judd Apatow has successfully built himself into a brand, writing and directing his own pictures and producing dozens more. In the grand scheme of things, This Is 40 won't rank at the top of his filmography. It's not as good as Knocked Up or 40-Year Old Virgin, but leagues above Drillbit Taylor. This Is 40 is a mixed bag of mild amusements that leisurely sputters along until a pat sitcom ending where someone gives a heartfelt speech, people learn valuable lessons, and everything turns out to be okay. Unfortunately, they take far too long to get there.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

Transformers

Transformers - Dir. Michael Bay (2007)

Any child of the 80's will remember how their Saturday mornings and after-school afternoons were spent watching mind numbing cartoons based around toylines. For girls, there was My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, and Rainbow Brite. For the lads, there was G.I. Joe, Thundercats, He-Man, and Voltron. Without a doubt, one of the most popular franchises was Transformers. The concept was pretty simple. Boys love playing with cars and robots. What if they had a toy that was both? Hasbro bought the rights to several toylines in Japan and merged them into one brand for distribution in the States. They created an entire world of colorful characters with assistance from Marvel Comics and tasked Sunbow Productions with animating the TV show. Hasbro, Marvel, and Sunbow were also the Holy Trinity behind the G.I. Joe series. Over the next three decades, the original Transformers (dubbed by fans as G1 or Generation 1) would return in various incarnations like Beast Wars, Transformers: Armada, Robots in Disguise, and numerous shows that aired only in Japan. The original series was also spun-off into Transformers: The Movie, a feature film version that traumatized countless children due to the death of the heroic Optimus Prime.

Fans have clamored for a live-action adaptation and they finally got it thanks to Michael Bay, master of mayhem and entrepreneur of explosions. Bay knows how to construct spectacular action sequences (or at least he thinks he does) and screenwriters Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman have become Hollywood's go-to guys, but it was executive producer Steven Spielberg who knew how to crack the story. It was his idea to inject a little E.T. flavor to the film by making the movie revolve around the story of a boy and his car.

In this case, the boy is Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), a dorky high schooler who has the hots for the insanely gorgeous Mikaela (Megan Fox). Hoping to make some extra cash to get a car, Sam sells paraphernalia belonging to his great-grandfather, a famous explorer. Among those items include a pair of glasses with a map etched into them that leads to a powerful source of energy known as the Cube. Two tribes of alien robots from outer space are after the Cube. The benevolent Autobots wish to use the Cube to restore their dying homeworld, Cybertron. The evil Decepticons want to use it to conquer the universe.

Transformers weaves together several plot threads with the central story being Sam and Mikaela making first contact with the Autobots. We also follow a detachment of American soldiers in the Middle East as they are being pursued by Decepticons. Finally, there's a subplot involving government officials investigating the possibilities of an alien invasion.

The cast also includes Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson as two of the lead soldiers. Jon Voight co-stars as the Secretary of Defense with John Turturro as an eccentric man in black, and Aussie actress Rachael Taylor as the world's hottest computer analyst. Fans of the original cartoon will be pleased to hear Peter Cullen once again provide the voice for Optimus Prime. The late-Bernie Mac appears in a bit role as a car salesman while Hugo Weaving is the voice of Decepticon leader, Megatron.

As the director of shlock like Bad Boys and The Rock, Michael Bay was probably as good a choice as any to helm a movie about giant robots. The action sequences are chaotic and loud enough to make the toughest ears bleed. The special effects by ILM are impeccable and there's never a moment when the Transformers looked phony. The transformation sequences are incredibly detailed with shifting panels and whirling cogs. While the visuals are amazing, the story leaves much to be desired.

First of all, the film is called Transformers, not 'Lame Humans We Don't Care About.' The picture spends far too much time with bland cardboard characters, despite the fact that the Transformers are far more interesting. Many of the scenes involving different government departments could have been cut and the less said about Anthony Anderson's annoying hacker, the better. Speaking of which, what is it with Michael Bay and juvenile humor? Black people always seem to be wacky comic relief in his films. If I go to see a movie about giant robots, I want to see them smashing stuff, I don't want to see them spend ten minutes playing hide and seek while a dog pees on one of them. Finally, who came up with the brilliant strategy of leading the death metal robots into a heavily crowded city in the middle of the day?

MICHAEL BAY RAPED MY CHILDHOOD!!! That was the rallying cry for Transfans the world over after Transformers hit theaters. It can still be heard to this day. Optimus Prime has flame decals. Michael Bay raped my childhood! Bumblebee is a Camaro. Michael Bay raped my childhood! While I wouldn't break out the torches and pitchforks, I will say Bay's Transformers is all sound and fury with a distinct lack of substance.

Rating: ** ½

Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex - Dir. Jimmy Hayward (2010)


Comic book movies are now a staple of the summer blockbuster season. This modern age of the comic book film can be traced back to an unlikely source in Blade. For decades, Marvel had attempted to turn their characters into successful feature films. Yet, all they had to show for it are a pair of awful direct-to-video movies based on Captain America and the Punisher and a Roger Corman-directed Fantastic Four that was never even released. With top properties like Spider-Man and the X-Men languishing in development hell, it was an unknown vampire slayer that broke through for Marvel and set the stage for Iron Man and others.

In recent years, Marvel’s main competitor, DC Comics, has had massive success with its rebooted Batman franchise. However, Superman Returns was a failure and they’ve struggled to get other A-list characters like Wonder Woman and the Flash off the ground while Green Lantern finally hits screens next year. It only makes sense for DC to exploit its lesser known characters or creator-owned properties to fill the void. And along rides Jonah Hex.

Hex was created by John Albano and Tony DeZuniga and first appeared in 1971 in All-Star Western #10. Set in the Old West, Hex was a bounty hunter with half his face hideously scarred. He was sold into slavery to the Apache as a child and fought for the Confederacy in adulthood. Later, he was revamped with a supernatural bent as part of DC’s Vertigo imprint. The movie version combines a little bit of both, but is a very loose adaptation of the character.

Josh Brolin stars as Jonah Hex; a Civil War veteran who surrendered to the Union inadvertantly resulting in the death of his best friend Jeb Turnbull (an uncredited Jeffrey Dean Morgan). In revenge, Jeb’s father, Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) forces Hex to watch helplessly while his wife and son are murdered. Left for dead with his face branded, Hex is saved by Indians and the ordeal leaves him the power to temporarily speak with the dead.

Since then, the disfigured anti-hero has made his mark as a renowned bounty hunter and gunfighter of exceptional skill. Meanwhile, Turnbull has become a terrorist striking out against the American government. He steals a massive supergun, dubbed the ‘Nation Killer,’ in order to destroy Washington during the country’s centennial celebration.

Jonah Hex endured a problematic journey into the theaters. The script was originally written by Neveldine & Taylor, the team behind the Crank films and Gamer, who were also attached to direct. Brolin signed onto the project supposedly because he loved its atrociousness. The pair left the project and was eventually replaced by the oddball choice of Jimmy Hayward whose only previous experience was the animated Horton Hears a Who. The project saw last minute reshoots under the supervision of Francis Lawrence (Constantine, I Am Legend) and a massive retooling of the plot.

What’s left is a complete mess that is barely 80 minutes long, not counting the credits. Jonah Hex is like two fractured films hastily duct taped together. There is a strange battle on a metaphysical plain between Hex and Turnbull that was once set to be the climax of the movie. Instead, it’s clumsily and confusingly intercut with two major sequences of the final product. The mystical elements are excised and in their place we find ludicrous weaponry like saddle-mounted Gatling guns, dynamite launching crossbows, and a monstrous cannon powered by glowing orange orbs invented by Eli Whitney, the creator of the cotton gin. No, really.

Some of the cast seem to realize what a colossal turd they’re in and play along. Brolin tries to rise above it all as the gravelly voiced Hex while Michael Fassbender goes over-the-top as a knife-wielding Irish henchman. Megan Fox also appears as a tough hooker with a lilting Southern accent and an impossibly thin hourglass waist. She seriously looks like she’ll snap in half at any second. For some reason, Fox almost always appears in close-ups with soft lighting no matter what the situation. Will Arnett is woefully miscast as a straight-laced Union officer while Michael Shannon pops in for one and only one scene as the ringleader of an underground fight club. Both actors are victims of the reshoots and slapdash editing.

Jonah Hex never purports to be anything more than a low-grade B-movie. Some might be able to enjoy it on a ‘so bad, it’s good’ level, but not me. Jonah Hex makes no attempt to remain faithful to the source material. It’s a shame really as the character had the potential to star in a Leone-style Spaghetti Western. The movie isn’t so much A Fistful of Dollars as it is Wild Wild West. In the pantheon of DC adaptations, it ranks at the bottom of the pile alongside Catwoman and Steel.

Rating: * ½

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Dir. Michael Bay (2009)

I previously thought Transformers was the most Michael Bay that Michael Bay ever Michael Bay-ed. But, the Bay actually out-Bays himself with the sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The second film based on the popular Hasbro toyline is bigger, louder and longer than every previous version of the property combined. It’s a two and a half hour assault on the senses. Notice I haven’t said anything about it being a great movie?

Like most sequels, Revenge of the Fallen has more of everything, more robots, more action, more characters, more explosions (including one that took seven months to set up) and more glamour shots of Megan Fox, etc. It actually has more story. Not a better story, just more half-ass subplots strung together into a semi-coherent narrative.

It’s been two years since the Transformers arrived on Earth. The Autobots led by Optimus Prime (voiced again by Peter Cullen) battle alongside an international taskforce led by Maj. Lennox (Josh Duhamel) and Sgt. Epps (Tyrese Gibson) in hunting down any remaining Decepticons still in hiding. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) says goodbye to his Autobot protector Bumblebee and girlfriend, Mikaela (Megan Fox) as he prepares to go to college. I don’t remember what school he enrolled in, but every female student is thin, flawlessly beautiful, lathered in make-up, and horny for advanced theoretical physics. Sam’s new roommate is Leo Spitz (Ramon Rodriguez), a tech head who runs a conspiracy theory website attempting to uncover the truth about the Transformers. Leo replaces Anthony Anderson’s character as the annoying, comedic sidekick computer nerd. Meanwhile, Sam’s long-distance relationship with Mikaela is put to the test by an overly aggressive co-ed (Isabel Lucas).

Sam barely makes it through day one before his hopes of a normal life are dashed. He breaks out into near-epileptic fits after touching a sliver of the Allspark that had been destroyed in the first film. He goes into John Nash mode, seeing ancient Cybertronian hieroglyphs everywhere. The Decepticons want what’s in Sam’s mind as it will lead them to a machine that can destroy the sun and harness it into their fuel source, Energon. The villainous robots resurrect their leader, Megatron (Hugo Weaving), who now takes his orders from the title character, the Fallen (voiced by Candyman Tony Todd). The Fallen was one of the original Transformers who betrayed his mechanical brothers. He’s the Palpatine to Megatron’s Darth Vader.

There’s also a government toady who blames the Autobots for all the death metal destruction and pushes to have them deported off-planet. John Turturro’s Agent Simmons is also back, now working the counter at his mom’s deli.

Where there were about a dozen Transformers in the first film, Bay ups the ante for the sequel with forty-six even including fan-favorites such as Soundwave (once again voiced by Frank Welker who also did Ravage), the Constructicons who merge into the much-larger Devastator, and Arcee, one of the few female Transformers. Many die-hard Transfans will likely be disappointed by their long-awaited appearances. Devastator is reduced to a lumbering quadruped whose main form of attack is to literally suck. There’s also Jetfire, a geriatric Decepticon who defected to the Autobots long ago. He’s nothing more than a plot device to move the characters from point A to point B and drop a huge chunk of exposition in the middle of the film. The biggest problem with the increase in the Transformer population is the fact that you can only tell a handful of them apart. This muddies up the action sequences when you have no idea who is who. Was that an Autobot that got destroyed or a Decepticon? The filmmakers don’t seem to have a clue either as some of the same Constructicons that formed Devastator can also be seen battling the Autobots elsewhere in the desert.

It also doesn’t help when Michael Bay directs the majority of the action with the patience of a ten-year old with ADD on a truckload of methamphetamines. Bay can’t keep the camera still for a second to allow the audience to actually watch the battle, instead choosing to pan the camera around and around in a dizzying pattern. Just because the camera constantly moves doesn’t make the scene more interesting.

With so many new characters, many of the original characters that the audience have known and become attached to are marginalized here. Lennox and Epps barely factor into the film. While Sam and Mikaela were able to get in on some of the action in the first film, they’re relegated here to screaming at the top of their lungs or running away from explosions in slow motion. Ironhide and Ratchet, two of the only Transformers I can actually recognize, hardly do anything either. Even the Fallen, who is supposed to be the big bad, maybe only gets fifteen minutes of screen time and hardly seems anymore menacing than any other Decepticon. No, the Transformers who appear to get the most screen time are the Twins, Mudflap and Skids (one voiced by Reno Wilson, the other by Spongebob Squarepants himself, Tom Kenny), who have garnered a lot of controversy in the press. The pair have big ears, bugged out eyes, buck teeth (one of them gold), and speak in Ebonics. They’re stupid, illiterate and on a level of annoyance that rivals Jar Jar Binks. Remember that annoying, unfunny little robot from the first film? Well, Bay throws in two. There’s an evil version of the microscope Autobot, Perceptor, in The Doctor, a Decepticon microscope that turns into a spider-like robot with glasses that speaks in a German accent. Always one to run a crappy joke into the ground, Michael Bay also throws in Wheelie, an RC 4x4 who looks like Wall-E’s evil cousin and inexplicably speaks like an extra from Goodfellas. He humps Megan Fox’s leg too, not that I blame him.

Does the idea of a robot humping a woman’s leg not seem funny to you? Michael Bay apparently thought it was so hilarious; he also threw in two scenes of dogs humping each other. Bay’s excesses and lack of originality run deeper than just recycling the same shots in every one of his films. He repeats the same lame jokes that revel in the fact that they target the lowest common denominator. We get the robots with bad teeth as well as a butcher with bad teeth trying to earn money for dental work. There’s dry-humping, Transformer testicles and an exceedingly long gag involving Sam’s mother tripping out on pot brownies. Curse words are liberally dropped into dialogue that’s already as clunky as the Transformers themselves. For a film that’s essentially selling toys to kids, Revenge is hardly family friendly.

There are some positive contributions in Revenge. The special effects are the usual top-notch work from ILM. The Transformers fit seamlessly into their surroundings and there are moments where you believe they are standing side-by-side with their human compatriots. Catching the film in IMAX and seeing Optimus Prime in scale was pretty cool. Starscream (one of my favorite characters) gets a bit more to do in the sequel and his additional dialogue brings him more in line with his G1 incarnation.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the perfect embodiment of every negative aspect of the summer blockbuster. It’s a film that panders to the bases, adolescent desires. It’s loud, obnoxious, and unrelenting. Its junk food and for some that’s more than enough to satisfy their appetites. The thing about junk food is, it gives you a quick fix, but you’re eventually left hungry for a real meal. Films like Iron Man and The Dark Knight proved you can be a big-budget action spectacle with a smart story and genuine emotion. Revenge simply substitutes noise and movement for any type of true emotional connection. The audience isn’t taken along for a journey as much as press ganged into it and yanked along. This is the type of messy sequel that was churned out of the Matrix and Pirates franchises. Whatever weak plot it possesses is only there to service a string of action scenes that are directed either blandly or nonsensically by Michael Bay.

Rating: * ½

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People - Dir. Robert Weide (2008)


Loosely based on the eponymous memoirs of Toby Young which recounted his rise and fall at Vanity Fair. A male alternative to the sudden glut of Devil Wears Prada knockoffs, How to Lose Friends tells the tale of an obnoxious jerk and his stint at the trendy (but fictional) Sharps magazine. Ironically, the real-life Young was banned from the set after endlessly annoying the cast and crew.

The film gets off to a fine start. Simon Pegg acting like an uncouth ass and pissing all over the celebrity world he so desperately wants to be a part of? Sure, sounds like good times. Sadly, whatever bite this production might have had is lost when its teeth are pulled in favor of a second half that’s cookie cutter rom-com.

It’s not for lack of trying. Pegg is his usual entertaining self. Gillian Anderson puts Scully out to pasture as a Machiavellian publicist, Thandie Newton has a fun cameo as herself, and Megan Fox is actually wisely cast as a vainglorious starlet. A mock trailer with Fox as Mother Theresa is right up there with Spidey and Iron Man as gay monks in Tropic Thunder.

Their efforts are all for naught when the film can’t make up its mind between no holds barred Hollywood satire and schmaltzy romantic comedy.

Rating: **