Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Dir. Jonathan Liebesman (2014)

Heroes in a half shell…turtle power!

Thirty years ago, two down on their luck artists named Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman when one of them drew an anthropomorphized turtle holding martial arts weapons. That idea grew into a black and white comic book titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The issue was a parody of the top selling series of the time, Daredevil, X-Men, and Teen Titans, which featured ninjas, mutants, and teenagers. The tone of the comic aped the grim and gritty style of the 1980's. It was violent with the Turtles killing their enemies and their chief adversary, Shredder, was stabbed, tossed off a roof, and blown up by a grenade. Surprisingly, somebody thought this was a great property for kids. The Turtles were licensed to Playmates who turned them into the catchphrase spewing, pizza munching stars of a family friendly cartoon. They became a merchandising juggernaut and over the next two decades were featured in three live-action films, a CG animated movie, and a myriad of cartoons and comics.

The Turtles are gracing the silver screen once more courtesy of Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes. Yes, the same Michael Bay who assaulted your senses with four mind-numbing Transformers pictures. Bay isn't sitting behind the camera this time around as he's turned the directorial reins over to Jonathan Liebesman, who previously helmed Battle: Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans. Not that it matters, Bay's fingerprints are all over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as evidenced by the lowbrow humor, nonsensical action sequences, and blatant product placement. Sure, Pizza Hut was expected, but did we truly need a massive billboard for Project Almanac, another Platinum Dunes production?

Megan Fox, who made tabloid headlines by badmouthing Bay, has evidently kissed and made up as she takes on the role of April O'Neil, intrepid reporter for Channel 6 News. April and her love struck cameraman Vernon Fenwick (Will Arnett) are stuck covering fluff pieces while New York City is terrorized by a criminal organization known as the Foot Clan. A group of mysterious vigilantes have been fighting back to protect the citizens of the Big Apple. April discovers these heroes are super-strong, humanoid turtles who have learned ninjitsu from their rat master Splinter (Danny Woodburn, voiced by Tony Shalhoub). These Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just happen to have surprising ties to her own past.

Splinter and the Turtles were lab animals for an experiment conducted by April's late-father and Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), who were using a mutagen with the potential to cure all disease. Now, Sacks is in league with the Foot and their shadowy leader, The Shredder (Tohoru Masamune), to unleash a biological weapon on the city in order to sell a cure derived from the Turtles' blood. At least, I think that was the grand scheme, considering it's basically the same one already seen in The Amazing Spider-Man and the last two Transformers. Bad guy attaches device to the top of a skyscraper, stuff explodes, and the good guys dangle precariously as the building topples. The script by Josh Appelbaum and André Nemec (with rewrites by Evan Daughterty) doesn't bother to elaborate.

Franchise devotees were in an uproar when rumors emerged that the Ninja Turtles were going to be of extraterrestrial origins. Thankfully, that plot twist was tossed away. And while the Turtles' origin is slightly more convoluted than necessary it remains true to the TMNT mythology. Contrary to early script leaks and interviews, William Fichtner's Eric Sacks is not Shredder, who remains a formidable foe of Japanese descent. However, it wouldn't be surprising to learn these were last-minute changes to alleviate fan criticism. If nothing else, Eric Sacks is clearly an anglicized variation of Shredder's real name Oroku Saki. Really the actor playing Shredder is inconsequential as the character spends the majority of the movie as a digital effect. He resembles a rejected design of Drift, the samurai caricature from Transformers: Age of Extinction, with Ginsu knives coming out of his hands. The Turtles themselves are re-imagined in a more realistic manner, a complete 180 from the cartoonish suits made by the Jim Henson Company for the original movies.

Ninja Turtles attempts to tread a thin line between realism and cartoony. The filmmakers want a grounded approach ala Christopher Nolan. Hence, you get Turtles that are less adorable and the Foot as paramilitary troops instead of purple-clad ninjas. However, there's no denying the inherent silliness of the concept, especially when you watch a giant talking turtle riding around on a rocket-powered skateboard. The writers seem to have no problem poking fun at the characters and offer a semi-apology when Michelangelo shouts "Cowabunga." At the same time, there's the incessant desire to explain every recognizable Turtle trait as if we absolutely needed to know why the Turtles love pizza or how the Turtles became martial arts masters. Apparently, Splinter simply found a tattered instructional guide. It's the Ratatouille philosophy, anyone can be a ninja. On the other hand, they avoid trying to explain how a turtle living in the sewers could build high-tech devices with holographic displays.

A lot of thought must have gone in to weaving the Ninja Turtles' backstory, but a miniscule amount of effort was given to create three dimensional personalities for the characters. If you remember the original cartoon theme song, you'll know exactly who each Turtle is. Leonardo (Pete Ploszek, voice by Johnny Knoxville) is the leader, Donatello (Jeremy Howard) is the computer expert, Raphael (Alan Ritchson) is the hothead, and Michelangelo (Noel Fisher) is a party dude. By the way, Donatello isn't just a nerd; he's the 21^st century archetype who speaks like Jesse Eisenberg and wears thick glasses. Evidently, mutagen can give you super-strength and enhanced intelligence, but not 20/20 vision.

There are times when the Turtles fade into the background in favor of April's story, much like how the Autobots were bit players in the annoying life of Shia LeBeouf. For her part, Megan Fox isn't bad, she's just wooden and most of the time she's only called upon to stare with wide-eyed puzzlement. It's no spoiler to say that William Fichtner is revealed to be a villain because you don't cast William Fichtner to play a kind-hearted philanthropist. Whoopi Goldberg pops up as April's boss Bernadette Thompson while Abby Elliot appears in two droll scenes as April's roommate. Long-time fans might be pleased at the inclusion of Minae Noji as Karai, a character who has been depicted in some incarnations as Shredder's daughter.

If you thought Will Arnett would bring the funny, think about as the majority of his humor falls flat. Most of the film's gags revolve around how everyone, man or turtle, lusts after Megan Fox. Throw in a fart joke and a few tired references to internet cat memes and Lost and you’ve got yourself Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The only genuine moment of amusement comes from a scene when the Turtles ride an elevator to their showdown with Shredder. Michelangelo beatboxes as his Turtle brothers as percussive instruments as if they were auditioning for Stomp.

The action sequences are actually fun with the centerpiece being a wild chase down a snow-covered mountain. The humans hang on for dear life inside an out-of-control 18-wheeler while the Turtles use their shells as sleds and offensive weapons, turning themselves into living cannonballs. When Splinter leaps into the fray, it's reminiscent of Yoda finally cutting loose in Attack of the Clones.

Early on, the film hints at the mutagen may have come from outer space in a foreshadowing of Krang, the alien brain from Dimension X. Nothing about the latest Turtles picture makes me yearn for a sequel so the producers could screw up Casey Jones, Rocksteady, and Bebop. I wouldn't say Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is as stale as day-old pizza because day-old pizza can still be pretty good. The movie is clearly targeted to the young kids who will buy the action figures and the Ninja Turtle pajamas. Older fans will find that these turtles are an empty shell of their former selves.

Rating: * ½ (*****)