Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Dir. Jonathan Liebesman (2014)

Heroes in a half shell…turtle power!

Thirty years ago, two down on their luck artists named Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman when one of them drew an anthropomorphized turtle holding martial arts weapons. That idea grew into a black and white comic book titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The issue was a parody of the top selling series of the time, Daredevil, X-Men, and Teen Titans, which featured ninjas, mutants, and teenagers. The tone of the comic aped the grim and gritty style of the 1980's. It was violent with the Turtles killing their enemies and their chief adversary, Shredder, was stabbed, tossed off a roof, and blown up by a grenade. Surprisingly, somebody thought this was a great property for kids. The Turtles were licensed to Playmates who turned them into the catchphrase spewing, pizza munching stars of a family friendly cartoon. They became a merchandising juggernaut and over the next two decades were featured in three live-action films, a CG animated movie, and a myriad of cartoons and comics.

The Turtles are gracing the silver screen once more courtesy of Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes. Yes, the same Michael Bay who assaulted your senses with four mind-numbing Transformers pictures. Bay isn't sitting behind the camera this time around as he's turned the directorial reins over to Jonathan Liebesman, who previously helmed Battle: Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans. Not that it matters, Bay's fingerprints are all over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as evidenced by the lowbrow humor, nonsensical action sequences, and blatant product placement. Sure, Pizza Hut was expected, but did we truly need a massive billboard for Project Almanac, another Platinum Dunes production?

Megan Fox, who made tabloid headlines by badmouthing Bay, has evidently kissed and made up as she takes on the role of April O'Neil, intrepid reporter for Channel 6 News. April and her love struck cameraman Vernon Fenwick (Will Arnett) are stuck covering fluff pieces while New York City is terrorized by a criminal organization known as the Foot Clan. A group of mysterious vigilantes have been fighting back to protect the citizens of the Big Apple. April discovers these heroes are super-strong, humanoid turtles who have learned ninjitsu from their rat master Splinter (Danny Woodburn, voiced by Tony Shalhoub). These Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just happen to have surprising ties to her own past.

Splinter and the Turtles were lab animals for an experiment conducted by April's late-father and Eric Sacks (William Fichtner), who were using a mutagen with the potential to cure all disease. Now, Sacks is in league with the Foot and their shadowy leader, The Shredder (Tohoru Masamune), to unleash a biological weapon on the city in order to sell a cure derived from the Turtles' blood. At least, I think that was the grand scheme, considering it's basically the same one already seen in The Amazing Spider-Man and the last two Transformers. Bad guy attaches device to the top of a skyscraper, stuff explodes, and the good guys dangle precariously as the building topples. The script by Josh Appelbaum and André Nemec (with rewrites by Evan Daughterty) doesn't bother to elaborate.

Franchise devotees were in an uproar when rumors emerged that the Ninja Turtles were going to be of extraterrestrial origins. Thankfully, that plot twist was tossed away. And while the Turtles' origin is slightly more convoluted than necessary it remains true to the TMNT mythology. Contrary to early script leaks and interviews, William Fichtner's Eric Sacks is not Shredder, who remains a formidable foe of Japanese descent. However, it wouldn't be surprising to learn these were last-minute changes to alleviate fan criticism. If nothing else, Eric Sacks is clearly an anglicized variation of Shredder's real name Oroku Saki. Really the actor playing Shredder is inconsequential as the character spends the majority of the movie as a digital effect. He resembles a rejected design of Drift, the samurai caricature from Transformers: Age of Extinction, with Ginsu knives coming out of his hands. The Turtles themselves are re-imagined in a more realistic manner, a complete 180 from the cartoonish suits made by the Jim Henson Company for the original movies.

Ninja Turtles attempts to tread a thin line between realism and cartoony. The filmmakers want a grounded approach ala Christopher Nolan. Hence, you get Turtles that are less adorable and the Foot as paramilitary troops instead of purple-clad ninjas. However, there's no denying the inherent silliness of the concept, especially when you watch a giant talking turtle riding around on a rocket-powered skateboard. The writers seem to have no problem poking fun at the characters and offer a semi-apology when Michelangelo shouts "Cowabunga." At the same time, there's the incessant desire to explain every recognizable Turtle trait as if we absolutely needed to know why the Turtles love pizza or how the Turtles became martial arts masters. Apparently, Splinter simply found a tattered instructional guide. It's the Ratatouille philosophy, anyone can be a ninja. On the other hand, they avoid trying to explain how a turtle living in the sewers could build high-tech devices with holographic displays.

A lot of thought must have gone in to weaving the Ninja Turtles' backstory, but a miniscule amount of effort was given to create three dimensional personalities for the characters. If you remember the original cartoon theme song, you'll know exactly who each Turtle is. Leonardo (Pete Ploszek, voice by Johnny Knoxville) is the leader, Donatello (Jeremy Howard) is the computer expert, Raphael (Alan Ritchson) is the hothead, and Michelangelo (Noel Fisher) is a party dude. By the way, Donatello isn't just a nerd; he's the 21^st century archetype who speaks like Jesse Eisenberg and wears thick glasses. Evidently, mutagen can give you super-strength and enhanced intelligence, but not 20/20 vision.

There are times when the Turtles fade into the background in favor of April's story, much like how the Autobots were bit players in the annoying life of Shia LeBeouf. For her part, Megan Fox isn't bad, she's just wooden and most of the time she's only called upon to stare with wide-eyed puzzlement. It's no spoiler to say that William Fichtner is revealed to be a villain because you don't cast William Fichtner to play a kind-hearted philanthropist. Whoopi Goldberg pops up as April's boss Bernadette Thompson while Abby Elliot appears in two droll scenes as April's roommate. Long-time fans might be pleased at the inclusion of Minae Noji as Karai, a character who has been depicted in some incarnations as Shredder's daughter.

If you thought Will Arnett would bring the funny, think about as the majority of his humor falls flat. Most of the film's gags revolve around how everyone, man or turtle, lusts after Megan Fox. Throw in a fart joke and a few tired references to internet cat memes and Lost and you’ve got yourself Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The only genuine moment of amusement comes from a scene when the Turtles ride an elevator to their showdown with Shredder. Michelangelo beatboxes as his Turtle brothers as percussive instruments as if they were auditioning for Stomp.

The action sequences are actually fun with the centerpiece being a wild chase down a snow-covered mountain. The humans hang on for dear life inside an out-of-control 18-wheeler while the Turtles use their shells as sleds and offensive weapons, turning themselves into living cannonballs. When Splinter leaps into the fray, it's reminiscent of Yoda finally cutting loose in Attack of the Clones.

Early on, the film hints at the mutagen may have come from outer space in a foreshadowing of Krang, the alien brain from Dimension X. Nothing about the latest Turtles picture makes me yearn for a sequel so the producers could screw up Casey Jones, Rocksteady, and Bebop. I wouldn't say Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is as stale as day-old pizza because day-old pizza can still be pretty good. The movie is clearly targeted to the young kids who will buy the action figures and the Ninja Turtle pajamas. Older fans will find that these turtles are an empty shell of their former selves.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Pain & Gain

Pain & Gain - Dir. Michael Bay (2013)

I'm not sure what's more unbelievable about Pain & Gain, the true life story upon which it was based or the fact that this was Michael Bay's idea of a low-budget indie movie.

Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) has a great body, but not a lot of brains to go with his delusional view of the American dream or his staunch sense of entitlement. After doing time for a Ponzi scheme, Lugo goes to work as a personal trainer at the Sun Gym in Miami. Formerly a rundown spot for old folks, Lugo turns it into a haven for the built and beautiful. However, he's not satisfied and spots a big, fat payday in his obnoxious client Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub). Kershaw openly brags about his wealth, his offshore accounts, and the Schlotzsky's Deli he owns at the airport. Lugo hits on the idea to kidnap Kershaw and hold him hostage until he signs over all his assets. This ersatz mastermind recruits his best pal Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie), a fellow bodybuilder who has been rendered impotent by steroid abuse, and Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson), an ex-con who has traded his coke habit for Jesus. After several bumbling attempts, the muscle-bound trio snatches Kershaw and tortures him for nearly a month inside a warehouse full of sex toys. Lugo and his crew are able to enjoy their ill-gotten gains primarily because Kershaw is such a prick that the police have a hard time believing or sympathizing with him. When Doorbal and Doyle blow their newfound wealth on penile injections and cocaine, Lugo is forced to abduct a new mark with disastrous consequences.

Pain & Gain is unmistakably a Michael Bay film even without the widescreen mayhem and deafening explosions. His garish aesthetics are simpatico with the bizarre, true-life events adapted for the screen by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely (Captain America, Chronicles of Narnia). For once, it actually makes sense for Bay to populate the backgrounds with buxom babes since the story involves strippers galore. The saturated orange and teal color palette accentuates the sun soaked paradise of Miami. The camera whips along at a frenzied pace with super slow motion employed to great effect during a SWAT team raid. When Doyle barbecues a pair of dismembered hands to destroy fingerprints, an intertitle is stamped onto the screen to remind you that this is still based on fact. The question remains: is Bay just doing what comes natural or has he developed a sense of awareness that allows him to lampoon his own style?

As Bay flirts with the notion of self-parody, he walks a thin line between glorifying and condemning the actions of his characters. There's no doubt that these men aren't the least bit sympathetic, not to mention aggressively stupid. The fact that their brutality was played for laughs has upset the real victims of the Sun Gym Gang. The dark humor eschews closely to the works of Guy Ritchie or the Crank films. Stomachs may turn when chainsaws are broken out to chop up corpses or when a severed toe comes into play.

The cast really sinks their teeth into their respective roles with Mark Wahlberg excelling as the archetypal meathead. His Daniel Lugo is definitely cut from the same cloth as Dirk Diggler with a more sinister side. Tony Shalhoub brings Victor Kershaw to odious life while Rebel Wilson, Michael Rispoli, and Peter Stormare fill out the colorful supporting cast. Ken Jeong is thankfully utilized in small doses as a motivational speaker ("Be a do'er, not a don't'er") that inspires Lugo.  Ed Harris portrays the straight man as a retired cop turned private investigator. He essentially takes on the Tommy Lee Jones role in No Country for Old Men as the one good man in an insane world. The best performance in Pain & Gain belongs to Dwayne Johnson, who bulked up to bigger proportions than he ever had in his WWE career. There's a naiveté initially displayed by Johnson that makes Doyle a gentle giant, then shows deft comedic timing when he reverts into a desperate coke head.

Pain & Gain is easily Michael Bay's best picture, which may be a backhanded compliment when his filmography includes Bad Boys 2 and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Rating: *** (*****)

Cars 2

Cars 2 - Dirs. Brad Lewis & John Lasseter (2011)

Pixar stands as one of the few certainties in this topsy-turvy world. They consistently churn out some of the highest quality pictures out there. Their films always find themselves on numerous critics' year-end lists and have earned the studio 26 Academy Awards. Yet, there always seems to be some doomsayer just waiting for Pixar to slip up. These cynics are likely sitting in the back of the theater (next to Armond White) waiting for the moment when the credits roll so they can finally stand and give a round of slow, sarcastic applause to Pixar's first failure. Everyone seems to be pegging Cars 2, as the first misstep. It's received the worst reviews of any Pixar film thus far. Why should Pixar sequelize one of their weakest efforts, when something like The Incredibles is far more deserving of a second installment? As Spaceballs' guru, Yogurt, would say, "Merchandising, merchandising, merchandising." Hot Wheels toys based on the characters sell like hot cakes to kids and adult collectors alike, but the movies don't share the appeal to a wide range of age groups. Most Pixar productions feel like movies made for adults, but enjoyed by kids. Cars 2 feels like a movie made for kids that will be enjoyed solely by kids.

As all sequels tend to do, Cars 2 goes global as Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) enters the World Grand Prix, a three-pronged race sponsored by former oil tycoon Sir Miles Axelrod (Eddie Izzard). Axelrod is now an advocate for alternative fuels and is using the race to promote his newly invented, Allinol. McQueen takes along his best buddy, Mater (Larry the Cable Guy), who proves you can take the redneck out of Radiator Springs, but you can't take the Radiator Springs out of the redneck. Mater's slack-jawed yokel act winds up being an embarrassment for McQueen.

Meanwhile, British super spy Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) is investigating the notorious Professor Zundapp (Thomas Kretschmann), who is attempting to sabotage the Grand Prix in order to protect big oil's interests. The two storylines intersect due to a Hitchcockian case of mistaken identity when Mater comes into possession of photographic evidence that could reveal the identity of the evil mastermind. Mater teams with McMissile and his assistant Holley Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer) to save the life of Lightning McQueen and stop the villains.

Cars 2 continues the themes of its progenitor by extolling the virtues of small town values and folksy Americana. The sequel keeps the spirit alive and places it on an expansive, international scale. The stakes are raised immensely by the new element of espionage, which allows Pixar to further delve into this world of cars. It's clear the Cars franchise is a passion project of noted auto enthusiast John Lasseter (who co-directed with Brad Lewis) due to the attention to detail. Pixar remains the gold standard when it comes to gorgeous animation. Every shot is vividly rendered, especially the scenes set in Tokyo, which is shown as a neon metropolis full of cutesy anime-style characters. Much like the third Toy Story, the majority of the 3D effects in Cars 2 are rather subtle and aren't worth either the extra price or the dulling of the bright animation.

Cars 2 might be the most action-packed Pixar flick yet. There are enough car chases through European streets to make the late-John Frankenheimer drool. The movie opens with a spectacular sequence as McMissile battles an army of henchmen on an oil rig. There's also an exciting climax in Italy on a race track clearly modeled after Monaco. Parents should be warned that several cars meet unfortunate demises, but never in a graphic manner.

While Pixar may have put it into neutral for Cars 2, they are hardly deserving of all the critical drubbing. The screenplay by Ben Queen (with story credits by Lasseter, Lewis, and Dan Fogelman) tosses in a few clever gags. The best joke revolves around an alliance of disgruntled Pacers, Gremlins, and Yugos, who serve as the car versions of the mob as well as the muscle for Prof. Zundapp.

The voice acting is sold with Owen Wilson returning as the affable Lightning McQueen, no longer the jerk he was in the first film. The denizens of Radiator Springs are also back in much smaller roles though three cast members have sadly passed away in the intervening years, Joe Ranft, George Carlin, and Paul Newman. Red the fire engine appears, but has no lines while Carlin's Fillmore the hippie dippie van has been recast (Lloyd Sherr). Newman's Doc Hudson receives a poignant remembrance. Michael Caine and Emily Mortimer are welcome additions, but the most memorable is John Turturro as formula one racer Francesco Bernoulli. Turturro is wonderfully over-the-top as McQueen's arrogant rival. The funny accent turns him into a G-rated version of The Jesus from The Big Lebowski. Pixar even finds a way to work in the legendary Bruce Campbell as American muscle car spy Rod "Torque" Redline. The one question mark that hovers over the film does so above one Larry the Cable Guy. The buck-toothed Mater graduates from comic relief sidekick to main protagonist. His backwoods persona does grow tiresome and a little annoying as Cars 2 zooms towards the finish line.

There's good and then there's Pixar good. Cars 2 is merely good, simply lacking the emotional depth of triumphs such as Toy Story and Up. Still, it's no lemon like the henchcars it features. Cars 2 is a lightweight, lighthearted, and candy-colored adventure that possesses just enough charm to appeal to younger audiences and the occasional adult.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

How Do You Know

How Do You Know - Dir. James L. Brooks (2010)

In How Do You Know, James L. Brooks attempts to answer the question of how do you know when you're in love. Instead, Brooks' latest picture answered the question of how do you know when Hollywood spending is out of control – when you've spent over $100 million to make a romantic comedy. Nearly half of that budget went to the inflated salaries of the principal players. Reese Witherspoon received $15 million while Jack Nicholson was paid $12 million for what is essentially a minor supporting role. Brooks and Owen Wilson both received $10 million, but poor Paul Rudd got the shaft. Despite being the lead actor, Rudd only walked away with $3 million. After all the dust settled and the checks cashed, How Do You Know limped away from opening weekend with just under $7.5 million.

Witherspoon plays Lisa Jorgensen, a softball player who has just been cut from the U.S. Olympic team. Having turned 31, the coach feels she's past her prime. With little else going on in her life, Lisa finds comfort in a simple, undemanding relationship with Major League Baseball pitcher, Matty Reynolds (Owen Wilson). At first blush, Matty seems to be the typical, all-star athlete. He's got a multi-million dollar contract, an immaculate penthouse apartment, and women crawling all over him. He even has a closet full of pink track suits to give to his lady friends the morning after. Yes, he's a little self-centered and chauvinistic, but Matty is so obliviously sweet-natured that it's hard to hate the guy.

Paul Rudd is George Madison, a businessman working at some nebulous firm run by his father, Charles (Nicholson). His life crumbles suddenly when he faces federal charges of securities fraud. At least, that's what I think it was. Whatever George did or didn't do isn't very clear. In fact, it's never clear what he does at the firm or what the firm even does. George's and Lisa's paths cross after an aborted blind date. When they finally meet, George finds Lisa is just what he needs while Lisa struggles with which guy to pick.

After watching How Do You Know, you'll wonder how in the Hell this dreadful movie could have come from the same filmmaker do wrote and directed Terms of Endearment, Broadcast News, and As Good As It Gets. Not to mention a man who has been a producer and driving force behind The Simpsons. The story is filled with contrivances and feels like some terrible, unfunny pilot for some awful sitcom, except this won't die after half an hour. The usually dependable Rudd can't elicit even a modicum of chuckles. He's forced to play the bland, nice guy that usually gets dumped at the end of every crappy romantic comedy. The whole subplot involving George's legal situation comes off as some half-assed commentary on the current financial crisis. It goes nowhere and you wonder if Brooks did any sort of research at all into that world. Nicholson just sleepwalks through a role that was originally offered to Bill Murray who wisely declined. Tony Shalhoub is utterly wasted in a one scene cameo as a therapist.

I will give kudos to Brooks for digging up Mark Linn-Baker to play the firm's company lawyer. Baker will probably forever be remembered as the other guy on Perfect Strangers, the one who wasn't Balki. Hey, how do you know a movie is bad? When you'd rather talk about Perfect Strangers.

In the end, I can only offer How Do You Know two meager compliments: Janusz Kaminski's cinematography is excellent, effectively capturing slick, big city life and Reese Witherspoon is the best she's ever looked.

Rating: * ½ (*****)