The Nutcracker

The Nutcracker - Dir. Andrei Konchalovskiy (2010)

As a film critic, I am blessed to be able to review and discuss so many great films. The trade off is that I am often forced to sit through some truly terrible ones. But, never have I run into a movie so horrible that it actually made me question my choice to become a critic. Never until The Nutcracker, a movie so wretched that it not only made me question my career choices, but made me question the very purpose of my life. Yes, the sheer horrendousness of The Nutcracker actually shook me on an existential level.

Filmmaker Andrey Konchalovskiy has had a long and varied career. He co-wrote the screenplay for Andrei Rublev with the great Andrei Tarkovsky along with directing films like Runaway Train and Tango & Cash. Okay, so they all can't be winners. Still, Tango & Cash is a cinematic classic compared to The Nutcracker: The Untold Story, a decades old dream project of Konchalovskiy's. These dreams must have come after imbibing of too much egg nog and fruitcake. Konchalovskiy and co-writer Chris Solimine adapted their script from Tchaikovsky's famed ballet and E.T.A. Hoffman's original story, The Nutcracker and the Mouse King, which inspired it. There are also Nazis because everything is improved with the addition of Nazis.

The film is set in Vienna during the 1940's with young Mary (Elle Fanning) looking forward to spending Christmas with her family. Those hopes are dashed when her parents (Richard E. Grant and the director's wife, Yuliya Vysotskaya) plan to attend a lavish party with all the other bluebloods. She is further irritated by her younger brother, Max (Aaron Michael Drozin), when he callously breaks her toys. The holiday picks up when the children are visited by their eccentric Uncle Albert Einstein (Nathan Lane), who gifts Mary with a wooden nutcracker. Later that night, Mary is shocked when the Nutcracker (voiced by Shirley Henderson) comes to life. It turns out the Nutcracker, calling himself N.C., is really a prince who was transformed and banished from his land by the evil Rat King (John Turturro) and his goose-stepping minions. Together, Mary and N.C. embark on a quest to break the curse and liberate the prince's kingdom.

Konchalovskiy's production is a nightmarish melding of musical and dance while blatantly stealing from other fantasy works like The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland. Another character, a dreadlocked drummer boy named Sticks (Africa Nile), looks like he wandered away from the cast of Stomp. The second-rate Terry Gilliam style set designs and special effects range from downright laughable to ugly eyesores. There is absolutely no sense of grandeur. There's no sense of grace to the few dance numbers in the picture. The first is an approximation of the "Waltz of the Snowflakes" with Elle Fanning twirling around with snow fairies in front of some atrocious green screen work. Later, we get John Turturro effeminately prancing around before electrocuting a shark inside an aquarium tank in a random reference to contemporary artist Damien Hirst's The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living. I suppose the audience is supposed to think Konchalovskiy is incredibly cultured and intelligent for throwing this into a kids' movie.

The one good thing The Nutcracker has going for it are the renowned compositions by Tchaikovsky. Unfortunately, Konchalovskiy finds a way to ruin those by drowning them out with inane lyrics by Tim Rice, who has written lyrics for Andrew Lloyd Webber (Jesus Christ Superstar, Evita) and Disney (Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King). Don't expect comparable work here, Rice must have pulled stuff out of his ass for a quick paycheck. The music gets off to a rotten start with Nathan Lane and his cartoonish German accent crooning a Mary Poppins-esque ditty about relativity to "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies."

Despite advertising itself as a whimsical fantasy for the whole family, The Nutcracker has enough creepy imagery that parents should be warned. In fact, some adults may also find some of its elements to be disturbing as well. When angered, Turturro's face morphs into a more deformed rat-like visage that instantly reminded me of Large Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. The wooden Nutcracker also has a sinister bent with his bulging, soulless eyes. There's also an unsettling monkey man. I haven't even gotten to how the rats are rounding up all the children's toys and throwing them into a massive crematorium. Talk about poor taste.

The Nutcracker was released into theaters at the end of 2010 around the same time as Sofia Coppola's Somewhere, which also starred Elle Fanning. You might notice she looks a lot younger here. That's because this film went into production in 2007 and set for a release in December of 2009 as The Nutcracker in 3D. However, the post-conversion process was so shoddily done that it was pushed back another year while the $65 million budget ballooned to a ridiculous $90 million.

Even when I have to write a bad review about a picture, I try to be diplomatic about it. I try to find at least one or two redeeming qualities. Alas, there are none aside from the miniscule relief I felt about not having to see this crap in 3D. I cannot hold back the epic levels of hatred I had for Konchalovskiy's The Nutcracker, which has earned a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. How did anyone possibly think anything about this movie was a good idea?

Rating: DUD

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Dir. Michael Bay (2011)

"Years from now they're gonna ask…where were you when they took over the planet?"

The summer blockbuster season reaches its nadir with the third installment of Transformers, based on the popular toy line from Hasbro, and directed by Michael Bay, purveyor of overblown schlock. Bay’s first Transformers film was lifted above its leaden coming-of-age narrative by a Spielbergian sense of wonder as an unassuming suburban boy meets a race of giant robots from outer space. The sequel, Revenge of the Fallen, was an atrocity of epic proportions that was hastily slapped together before the Writer’s Strike of late 2007 to early 2008. Even Bay and star Shia LaBeouf apologized for the rancid turd they unleashed from their bowels. Not that it matters, audiences ate it up as if the manure pile were a tasty bowl of ice cream. Thanks to them Revenge made over $800 million worldwide. Dark of the Moon has already grossed half that in its opening week. In financial terms, it's a rousing success, but what about the actual movie?

I can honestly say that Dark of the Moon is better than Revenge of the Fallen. However, that's the equivalent of saying being smashed in the face with a pipe wrench is better than having your genitals hooked to Bumblebee's car battery.

Much like X-Men: First Class, Transformers plays with revisionist history by planting the idea that the entire space race was predicated on the discovery of an ancient Autobot ship that crashed on the moon. The prologue is peppered with archival footage and actors who look nothing like their real-life counterparts. Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin (who makes a cameo appearance) explore the massive spacecraft and sworn to secrecy about what they've seen. And just when you think the story is building momentum, it all comes crashing back to modern-day Earth as we follow the plight of Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) in the current economic crisis.

Poor Sam has helped the Autobots save the world twice, but he can't find a job and mopes a lot. You'd think he would be way happier considering he has yet another insanely gorgeous girlfriend. Following the acrimonious departure of Megan Fox, Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley replaces her as the pouty lipped, hot chick that runs away from the robots. She plays Carly Spencer, a former British attaché now working for millionaire playboy Dylan Gould (Patrick Dempsey). The film spends an interminable amount of time introducing us to a cavalcade of new characters like John Malkovich as Sam's orange-skinned boss, Frances McDormand as a director of intelligence, and Ken Jeong doing his usual Ken Jeong schtick. We are also reunited with several returning characters such as soldiers Lt. Col. Lennix (Josh Duhamel) and Robert Epps (Tyrese Gibson), Sam's parents (Kevin Dunn & Julie White), and the eccentric Agent Simmons (John Turturro). It goes on and on until finally scenes of actual importance occur in rapid succession as Decepticons murder human beings and Optimus (voiced once again by Peter Cullen) revives his long-lost predecessor Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy). It all builds to 45 minutes of pure, unadulterated Bay-hem as a full-scale Decepticon invasion force lays waste to downtown Chicago.

Dark is just as loud, obnoxious, and over long as the previous pictures and filled with plot holes big enough for Optimus Prime to drive through. On the positive side, Bay has toned down the puerile humor as well as the blatant misogyny and racism. The ridiculous, buck-toothed Twins from Revenge are thankfully gone though the Joe Pesci-esque Wheelie (Tom Kenny) is still around to provide a poor excuse for comic relief. Still, Michael Bay cannot help being Michael Bay and there is underlying sexism throughout the narrative. Dark of the Moon has no strong female character whatsoever. Women in Bay movies are generally nattering twits (Sam's mother), shrewish harpies (McDormand's Charlotte Mearing) or blatant sex objects (everyone else). This is never more apparent than the replacing of Megan Fox with a lingerie model, who can serve as each one of those archetypes. At least, Bay had no pretensions at all to the role. Why hire an actual actress when all you need is someone to walk around in their underwear. Bay's sensibilities for fast cars and beautiful women are comparable to a hormonal adolescent boy getting aroused by covers of Lowrider displayed at the local supermarket magazine rack.

The first shot of the film following the prologue is a gratuitous butt shot of Huntington-Whiteley as she pads up a staircase barefoot and clad in skimpy panties and a man's dress shirt. Fox may not be an incredibly nuanced actress, but at least she displayed some semblance of personality and got involved in the action scenes. Huntington-Whitely is a complete cipher whose only talents are squeezing into form-fitting dresses and staring blankly into the distance as objects explode behind her in slow motion. Her romance with LaBeouf's Sam arbitrarily runs hot and cold according to narrative conventions.

The main problem with Bay's Transformers films has always been the inordinate amount of screen time wasted on human characters that nobody cares about. You would think a Transformers movie would be about the Transformers. Not that the machines are depicted as multi-dimensional beings. Giving them funny accents are about as deep into characterization as the writers go. There is just something about giant death metal robots clashing and causing massive amounts of property damage which appeals to simple-minded pleasures. Bay provides that in spades with an extended battle in the Windy City as skyscrapers topple and Transformers perform Mortal Kombat-style fatalities on each other. It's certainly the most ambitious action Bay has ever directed. It feels like he watched Independence Day, Cloverfield, Inception, and Spielberg's War of the Worlds and said, "I can do better." However, the climax is lacking in any kind of coherent flow. There's never a sense of where everyone is located in relation to each other and how each section connects with the other. It's more like a jumble of incomplete sequences strung together. Bay appears to be afflicted with the worse case of ADD as scenes and subplots abruptly end as if he walked away halfway through and moved on to the next thing.

Bay also has a habit of recycling the same action sequences over and over. How many times have we seen a highway chase where cars attempt to dodge heavy objects hurtling at them? There's one in every Transformers movie. It's gotten to the point where Bay has lifted entire shots from The Island and reused them for Dark of the Moon. Granted, he was unable to complete the sequence due to the horrific accident to an extra. Nevertheless, the fact that Bay so easily integrated old footage from an entirely different picture speaks volumes to his unoriginality.

The one shining light in Dark of the Moon is Leonard Nimoy, who is related to Bay by marriage, proving you can pick your friends, but not your family. Nimoy previously voiced Galvatron in the animated Transformers: The Movie and imbues a gravelly gravitas to the inane dialogue he's forced to spout. There are also a couple Star Trek references thrown in, a call back to Wrath of Khan and another that cleverly foreshadows a crucial plot twist.

Michael Bay has lashed out at his critics by claiming his movies are meant to be fun summer films, which means his films aren't supposed to have highbrow nonsense like logic, great acting, and a coherent storyline. There's no reason for these things to be mutually exclusive. Iron Man and The Dark Knight are proven examples that big-budget blockbusters don't have to be mind-numbing special effects extravaganzas. Unfortunately, Bay seems more than content to wallow in soulless spectacle and audiences are happy to line up around the block. The two highest grossing movies in 2011 are The Hangover Part II and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Transformers: Dark of the Moon has taken the fourth spot less than a week after release. I admit Dark of the Moon provides a visceral gratification to our base desires of seeing things get blown up, but I crave something with more substance.

Final Thoughts: I caught Dark of the Moon in IMAX 3D and if you are going to see the most excessive movie of the year, see it in the most excessive way possible. The 3D effects are surprisingly effective. The opening sequence, in particular, has a very noticeable depth of field. It's one of the most pleasant 3D experiences I've had and I'm no advocate for the process. There's no feeling of flatness and very little dimming since Bay implored theater owners to burn out their projection bulbs to display the film at the proper brightness levels. The 3D also forces Bay to rethink how he directs action sequences since rapid editing, tight close-ups, and jarring camera movement do not work with 3D cameras.

Rating: ** (*****)

Cars 2

Cars 2 - Dirs. Brad Lewis & John Lasseter (2011)

Pixar stands as one of the few certainties in this topsy-turvy world. They consistently churn out some of the highest quality pictures out there. Their films always find themselves on numerous critics' year-end lists and have earned the studio 26 Academy Awards. Yet, there always seems to be some doomsayer just waiting for Pixar to slip up. These cynics are likely sitting in the back of the theater (next to Armond White) waiting for the moment when the credits roll so they can finally stand and give a round of slow, sarcastic applause to Pixar's first failure. Everyone seems to be pegging Cars 2, as the first misstep. It's received the worst reviews of any Pixar film thus far. Why should Pixar sequelize one of their weakest efforts, when something like The Incredibles is far more deserving of a second installment? As Spaceballs' guru, Yogurt, would say, "Merchandising, merchandising, merchandising." Hot Wheels toys based on the characters sell like hot cakes to kids and adult collectors alike, but the movies don't share the appeal to a wide range of age groups. Most Pixar productions feel like movies made for adults, but enjoyed by kids. Cars 2 feels like a movie made for kids that will be enjoyed solely by kids.

As all sequels tend to do, Cars 2 goes global as Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) enters the World Grand Prix, a three-pronged race sponsored by former oil tycoon Sir Miles Axelrod (Eddie Izzard). Axelrod is now an advocate for alternative fuels and is using the race to promote his newly invented, Allinol. McQueen takes along his best buddy, Mater (Larry the Cable Guy), who proves you can take the redneck out of Radiator Springs, but you can't take the Radiator Springs out of the redneck. Mater's slack-jawed yokel act winds up being an embarrassment for McQueen.

Meanwhile, British super spy Finn McMissile (Michael Caine) is investigating the notorious Professor Zundapp (Thomas Kretschmann), who is attempting to sabotage the Grand Prix in order to protect big oil's interests. The two storylines intersect due to a Hitchcockian case of mistaken identity when Mater comes into possession of photographic evidence that could reveal the identity of the evil mastermind. Mater teams with McMissile and his assistant Holley Shiftwell (Emily Mortimer) to save the life of Lightning McQueen and stop the villains.

Cars 2 continues the themes of its progenitor by extolling the virtues of small town values and folksy Americana. The sequel keeps the spirit alive and places it on an expansive, international scale. The stakes are raised immensely by the new element of espionage, which allows Pixar to further delve into this world of cars. It's clear the Cars franchise is a passion project of noted auto enthusiast John Lasseter (who co-directed with Brad Lewis) due to the attention to detail. Pixar remains the gold standard when it comes to gorgeous animation. Every shot is vividly rendered, especially the scenes set in Tokyo, which is shown as a neon metropolis full of cutesy anime-style characters. Much like the third Toy Story, the majority of the 3D effects in Cars 2 are rather subtle and aren't worth either the extra price or the dulling of the bright animation.

Cars 2 might be the most action-packed Pixar flick yet. There are enough car chases through European streets to make the late-John Frankenheimer drool. The movie opens with a spectacular sequence as McMissile battles an army of henchmen on an oil rig. There's also an exciting climax in Italy on a race track clearly modeled after Monaco. Parents should be warned that several cars meet unfortunate demises, but never in a graphic manner.

While Pixar may have put it into neutral for Cars 2, they are hardly deserving of all the critical drubbing. The screenplay by Ben Queen (with story credits by Lasseter, Lewis, and Dan Fogelman) tosses in a few clever gags. The best joke revolves around an alliance of disgruntled Pacers, Gremlins, and Yugos, who serve as the car versions of the mob as well as the muscle for Prof. Zundapp.

The voice acting is sold with Owen Wilson returning as the affable Lightning McQueen, no longer the jerk he was in the first film. The denizens of Radiator Springs are also back in much smaller roles though three cast members have sadly passed away in the intervening years, Joe Ranft, George Carlin, and Paul Newman. Red the fire engine appears, but has no lines while Carlin's Fillmore the hippie dippie van has been recast (Lloyd Sherr). Newman's Doc Hudson receives a poignant remembrance. Michael Caine and Emily Mortimer are welcome additions, but the most memorable is John Turturro as formula one racer Francesco Bernoulli. Turturro is wonderfully over-the-top as McQueen's arrogant rival. The funny accent turns him into a G-rated version of The Jesus from The Big Lebowski. Pixar even finds a way to work in the legendary Bruce Campbell as American muscle car spy Rod "Torque" Redline. The one question mark that hovers over the film does so above one Larry the Cable Guy. The buck-toothed Mater graduates from comic relief sidekick to main protagonist. His backwoods persona does grow tiresome and a little annoying as Cars 2 zooms towards the finish line.

There's good and then there's Pixar good. Cars 2 is merely good, simply lacking the emotional depth of triumphs such as Toy Story and Up. Still, it's no lemon like the henchcars it features. Cars 2 is a lightweight, lighthearted, and candy-colored adventure that possesses just enough charm to appeal to younger audiences and the occasional adult.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

Transformers

Transformers - Dir. Michael Bay (2007)

Any child of the 80's will remember how their Saturday mornings and after-school afternoons were spent watching mind numbing cartoons based around toylines. For girls, there was My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, and Rainbow Brite. For the lads, there was G.I. Joe, Thundercats, He-Man, and Voltron. Without a doubt, one of the most popular franchises was Transformers. The concept was pretty simple. Boys love playing with cars and robots. What if they had a toy that was both? Hasbro bought the rights to several toylines in Japan and merged them into one brand for distribution in the States. They created an entire world of colorful characters with assistance from Marvel Comics and tasked Sunbow Productions with animating the TV show. Hasbro, Marvel, and Sunbow were also the Holy Trinity behind the G.I. Joe series. Over the next three decades, the original Transformers (dubbed by fans as G1 or Generation 1) would return in various incarnations like Beast Wars, Transformers: Armada, Robots in Disguise, and numerous shows that aired only in Japan. The original series was also spun-off into Transformers: The Movie, a feature film version that traumatized countless children due to the death of the heroic Optimus Prime.

Fans have clamored for a live-action adaptation and they finally got it thanks to Michael Bay, master of mayhem and entrepreneur of explosions. Bay knows how to construct spectacular action sequences (or at least he thinks he does) and screenwriters Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman have become Hollywood's go-to guys, but it was executive producer Steven Spielberg who knew how to crack the story. It was his idea to inject a little E.T. flavor to the film by making the movie revolve around the story of a boy and his car.

In this case, the boy is Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), a dorky high schooler who has the hots for the insanely gorgeous Mikaela (Megan Fox). Hoping to make some extra cash to get a car, Sam sells paraphernalia belonging to his great-grandfather, a famous explorer. Among those items include a pair of glasses with a map etched into them that leads to a powerful source of energy known as the Cube. Two tribes of alien robots from outer space are after the Cube. The benevolent Autobots wish to use the Cube to restore their dying homeworld, Cybertron. The evil Decepticons want to use it to conquer the universe.

Transformers weaves together several plot threads with the central story being Sam and Mikaela making first contact with the Autobots. We also follow a detachment of American soldiers in the Middle East as they are being pursued by Decepticons. Finally, there's a subplot involving government officials investigating the possibilities of an alien invasion.

The cast also includes Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson as two of the lead soldiers. Jon Voight co-stars as the Secretary of Defense with John Turturro as an eccentric man in black, and Aussie actress Rachael Taylor as the world's hottest computer analyst. Fans of the original cartoon will be pleased to hear Peter Cullen once again provide the voice for Optimus Prime. The late-Bernie Mac appears in a bit role as a car salesman while Hugo Weaving is the voice of Decepticon leader, Megatron.

As the director of shlock like Bad Boys and The Rock, Michael Bay was probably as good a choice as any to helm a movie about giant robots. The action sequences are chaotic and loud enough to make the toughest ears bleed. The special effects by ILM are impeccable and there's never a moment when the Transformers looked phony. The transformation sequences are incredibly detailed with shifting panels and whirling cogs. While the visuals are amazing, the story leaves much to be desired.

First of all, the film is called Transformers, not 'Lame Humans We Don't Care About.' The picture spends far too much time with bland cardboard characters, despite the fact that the Transformers are far more interesting. Many of the scenes involving different government departments could have been cut and the less said about Anthony Anderson's annoying hacker, the better. Speaking of which, what is it with Michael Bay and juvenile humor? Black people always seem to be wacky comic relief in his films. If I go to see a movie about giant robots, I want to see them smashing stuff, I don't want to see them spend ten minutes playing hide and seek while a dog pees on one of them. Finally, who came up with the brilliant strategy of leading the death metal robots into a heavily crowded city in the middle of the day?

MICHAEL BAY RAPED MY CHILDHOOD!!! That was the rallying cry for Transfans the world over after Transformers hit theaters. It can still be heard to this day. Optimus Prime has flame decals. Michael Bay raped my childhood! Bumblebee is a Camaro. Michael Bay raped my childhood! While I wouldn't break out the torches and pitchforks, I will say Bay's Transformers is all sound and fury with a distinct lack of substance.

Rating: ** ½

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Dir. Michael Bay (2009)

I previously thought Transformers was the most Michael Bay that Michael Bay ever Michael Bay-ed. But, the Bay actually out-Bays himself with the sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. The second film based on the popular Hasbro toyline is bigger, louder and longer than every previous version of the property combined. It’s a two and a half hour assault on the senses. Notice I haven’t said anything about it being a great movie?

Like most sequels, Revenge of the Fallen has more of everything, more robots, more action, more characters, more explosions (including one that took seven months to set up) and more glamour shots of Megan Fox, etc. It actually has more story. Not a better story, just more half-ass subplots strung together into a semi-coherent narrative.

It’s been two years since the Transformers arrived on Earth. The Autobots led by Optimus Prime (voiced again by Peter Cullen) battle alongside an international taskforce led by Maj. Lennox (Josh Duhamel) and Sgt. Epps (Tyrese Gibson) in hunting down any remaining Decepticons still in hiding. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) says goodbye to his Autobot protector Bumblebee and girlfriend, Mikaela (Megan Fox) as he prepares to go to college. I don’t remember what school he enrolled in, but every female student is thin, flawlessly beautiful, lathered in make-up, and horny for advanced theoretical physics. Sam’s new roommate is Leo Spitz (Ramon Rodriguez), a tech head who runs a conspiracy theory website attempting to uncover the truth about the Transformers. Leo replaces Anthony Anderson’s character as the annoying, comedic sidekick computer nerd. Meanwhile, Sam’s long-distance relationship with Mikaela is put to the test by an overly aggressive co-ed (Isabel Lucas).

Sam barely makes it through day one before his hopes of a normal life are dashed. He breaks out into near-epileptic fits after touching a sliver of the Allspark that had been destroyed in the first film. He goes into John Nash mode, seeing ancient Cybertronian hieroglyphs everywhere. The Decepticons want what’s in Sam’s mind as it will lead them to a machine that can destroy the sun and harness it into their fuel source, Energon. The villainous robots resurrect their leader, Megatron (Hugo Weaving), who now takes his orders from the title character, the Fallen (voiced by Candyman Tony Todd). The Fallen was one of the original Transformers who betrayed his mechanical brothers. He’s the Palpatine to Megatron’s Darth Vader.

There’s also a government toady who blames the Autobots for all the death metal destruction and pushes to have them deported off-planet. John Turturro’s Agent Simmons is also back, now working the counter at his mom’s deli.

Where there were about a dozen Transformers in the first film, Bay ups the ante for the sequel with forty-six even including fan-favorites such as Soundwave (once again voiced by Frank Welker who also did Ravage), the Constructicons who merge into the much-larger Devastator, and Arcee, one of the few female Transformers. Many die-hard Transfans will likely be disappointed by their long-awaited appearances. Devastator is reduced to a lumbering quadruped whose main form of attack is to literally suck. There’s also Jetfire, a geriatric Decepticon who defected to the Autobots long ago. He’s nothing more than a plot device to move the characters from point A to point B and drop a huge chunk of exposition in the middle of the film. The biggest problem with the increase in the Transformer population is the fact that you can only tell a handful of them apart. This muddies up the action sequences when you have no idea who is who. Was that an Autobot that got destroyed or a Decepticon? The filmmakers don’t seem to have a clue either as some of the same Constructicons that formed Devastator can also be seen battling the Autobots elsewhere in the desert.

It also doesn’t help when Michael Bay directs the majority of the action with the patience of a ten-year old with ADD on a truckload of methamphetamines. Bay can’t keep the camera still for a second to allow the audience to actually watch the battle, instead choosing to pan the camera around and around in a dizzying pattern. Just because the camera constantly moves doesn’t make the scene more interesting.

With so many new characters, many of the original characters that the audience have known and become attached to are marginalized here. Lennox and Epps barely factor into the film. While Sam and Mikaela were able to get in on some of the action in the first film, they’re relegated here to screaming at the top of their lungs or running away from explosions in slow motion. Ironhide and Ratchet, two of the only Transformers I can actually recognize, hardly do anything either. Even the Fallen, who is supposed to be the big bad, maybe only gets fifteen minutes of screen time and hardly seems anymore menacing than any other Decepticon. No, the Transformers who appear to get the most screen time are the Twins, Mudflap and Skids (one voiced by Reno Wilson, the other by Spongebob Squarepants himself, Tom Kenny), who have garnered a lot of controversy in the press. The pair have big ears, bugged out eyes, buck teeth (one of them gold), and speak in Ebonics. They’re stupid, illiterate and on a level of annoyance that rivals Jar Jar Binks. Remember that annoying, unfunny little robot from the first film? Well, Bay throws in two. There’s an evil version of the microscope Autobot, Perceptor, in The Doctor, a Decepticon microscope that turns into a spider-like robot with glasses that speaks in a German accent. Always one to run a crappy joke into the ground, Michael Bay also throws in Wheelie, an RC 4x4 who looks like Wall-E’s evil cousin and inexplicably speaks like an extra from Goodfellas. He humps Megan Fox’s leg too, not that I blame him.

Does the idea of a robot humping a woman’s leg not seem funny to you? Michael Bay apparently thought it was so hilarious; he also threw in two scenes of dogs humping each other. Bay’s excesses and lack of originality run deeper than just recycling the same shots in every one of his films. He repeats the same lame jokes that revel in the fact that they target the lowest common denominator. We get the robots with bad teeth as well as a butcher with bad teeth trying to earn money for dental work. There’s dry-humping, Transformer testicles and an exceedingly long gag involving Sam’s mother tripping out on pot brownies. Curse words are liberally dropped into dialogue that’s already as clunky as the Transformers themselves. For a film that’s essentially selling toys to kids, Revenge is hardly family friendly.

There are some positive contributions in Revenge. The special effects are the usual top-notch work from ILM. The Transformers fit seamlessly into their surroundings and there are moments where you believe they are standing side-by-side with their human compatriots. Catching the film in IMAX and seeing Optimus Prime in scale was pretty cool. Starscream (one of my favorite characters) gets a bit more to do in the sequel and his additional dialogue brings him more in line with his G1 incarnation.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the perfect embodiment of every negative aspect of the summer blockbuster. It’s a film that panders to the bases, adolescent desires. It’s loud, obnoxious, and unrelenting. Its junk food and for some that’s more than enough to satisfy their appetites. The thing about junk food is, it gives you a quick fix, but you’re eventually left hungry for a real meal. Films like Iron Man and The Dark Knight proved you can be a big-budget action spectacle with a smart story and genuine emotion. Revenge simply substitutes noise and movement for any type of true emotional connection. The audience isn’t taken along for a journey as much as press ganged into it and yanked along. This is the type of messy sequel that was churned out of the Matrix and Pirates franchises. Whatever weak plot it possesses is only there to service a string of action scenes that are directed either blandly or nonsensically by Michael Bay.

Rating: * ½

The Taking of Pelham 123

The Taking of Pelham 123 - Dir. Tony Scott (2009)

This new version of The Taking of Pelham 123 is nominally a remake of the 1974 film starring Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. That version itself was originally based on a novel by John Godey and the story was remade previously in 1998 as a made-for-TV film with Edward James Olmos and Vincent D’Onofrio. The basic premise of a thief hijacking a subway train remains the same, but the 2009 version tosses in a lot of flash while incorporating current technology and life in a post-9/11 New York.

Denzel Washington is Walter Garber, a former bigshot with the NYC Municipal Transit Authority, but a fall from grace reduces him to a desk job as a dispatcher. It’s just bad luck that he’s on the line when Ryder (John Travolta) and his gang hijack a subway train and demand $10 million dollars from the Mayor (James Gandolfini). In the original, the gang use color-coordinated code-names like Mr, Blue and Mr. Green which would Tarantino would pay homage to in Reservoir Dogs. Die Hard underground. That’s essentially the entire plot in a nutshell. There aren’t a whole lot of nuances to it.

Even stuck behind a desk, Denzel still possesses a commanding on-screen presence. What works for the film is the fact that his Garber is not a standard action hero. He’s not a cop, just a former white-collar executive. For the most part, Garber’s interactions with Ryder are over the radio as they play mind games with each other while revealing bits and pieces of their past. What doesn’t work is the third act when they turn Garber into the gun-toting action man. While Denzel gives a strong, but restrained performance, Travolta gives an over-the-top, cartoonish performance. Travolta dons a knit skullcap, Fu Manchu-esque mustache, and tattoos in a failed attempt to look menacing. He screams at the top of his lungs and drops F-bombs for every other word because he’s crazy. That’s what crazy people do after all, kill innocent people and call them ‘motherfuckers.’

Any semblance of tension or drama is stripped away by Tony Scott’s predilections for frenetic camera work. His films for the last several years for have been oversaturated with superfluous camera movements, editing tricks, and bleached out colors. Pelham 123 is downright restrained when compared to Domino, but Scott still fails to realize whip pans and MTV trickery can never replace good, solid storytelling.

Rating: **

What Just Happened

What Just Happened? - Dir. Barry Levinson (2008)


Hollywood poking fun at its own self-importance isn´t anything new; they´ve been doing it for decades. Some of my favorite movies about movies include Sullivan´s Travels, The Bad and the Beautiful, Singin´ in the Rain, and The Player. More recently, Ben Stiller took an over-the-top, cartoonish approach to the subject matter with Tropic Thunder. Barry Levinson´s latest film, What Just Happened? follows in the footsteps of Tropic Thunder, but takes a far more grounded approach at ridiculing the behind-the-scenes turmoil of La La Land. What Just Happened? tries to take a bite out of Hollywood too, yet lacks the teeth to do it. It just gums at it instead.

Based on the eponymous autobiography of producer Art Linson (The Untouchables, Heat, Fight Club), What Just Happened? focuses on aging producer Ben (Robert DeNiro) as he juggles his personal and professional lives. Ben has one film in the can, Fiercely starring Sean Penn (in a small role as himself) and directed by British auteur Jeremy Brundell (Michael Wincott). Ben hopes to build a ton of buzz at Cannes, but before that he has to leap the tall hurdle known as the test screening. The screening, with all the principal players in attendance, turns into a disaster. Brundell´s masterpiece ends with the hero, Penn, being shot by the bad guys, right after his lovable dog is shot through the head in a sudden, graphic manner. The audience, unsurprisingly, reacts with anger and disgust.

The studio head, Lou Tarnow (Catherine Keener), demands Ben follow her notes and alter the film accordingly. Brundell doesn´t react to this news very well, throwing a tantrum and bursting into tears. Simultaneously, Ben is producing another project that may never get off the ground because of its temperamental leading man. Ben is called to the set immediately when he learns that his star, Bruce Willis (also playing himself), has arrived sporting a beer belly and a big, bushy beard. The never seen studio executives threaten to shut the production down and sue Ben if their obscenely paid A-list actor doesn´t shave. Willis, on the other hand, threatens Ben with physical violence if he isn´t allowed to express himself artistically. With a beard…

Meanwhile, Ben has to deal with two ex-wives and the kids from each marriage. His teenage daughter, Zoe (Kristen Stewart), from his first wife won´t open up to him. He has an on-off, up-down relationship with his second ex, Kelly (Robin Wright Penn). They still have feelings for each other while attending therapy to complete their split amicably. Ben also suspects Kelly is sleeping with his screenwriter friend, Scott Solomon (Stanley Tucci).

As the stand-in for Linson, DeNiro puts in an understated performance, a different type from the larger-than-life characters he usually plays. He´s not the typical producer either or at least not the stereotypical one. He´s tired and world weary. There´s nothing wrong with DeNiro´s work here, but there´s nothing that really jumps out at you. You can say the same thing about most of the film. It too is understated and a bit underwhelming.

Part of the problem lies with the stakes. Not every movie should be about stopping the terrorists from detonating a nuke, but the protagonist should embark on a journey that allows the audience to connect with the character. Basic screenwriting. However, I never felt emotionally invested with Ben. His movie is savaged by audiences and critics? Big deal. Levinson frames the film around a photo shoot for a cover featuring Hollywood´s power players with Ben worrying about where he´ll be placed. Umm…so what? Ben´s familial situation might have elicited some sympathy were it given time to develop. It seems like a lot of the scenes involving the subplots with Zoe and Solomon were left on the cutting room floor.

The humor falls flat most of the time as well. The majority of the gags are so dry, you wonder if that was supposed to be a joke or not. On the rare occasions the comedy is played more broadly and fails to elicit any chuckles. The always dependable John Turturro plays a talent agent so neurotic that he out-Woody Allens Woody Allen. That would have been good enough, but they threw in a bizarre stomach disorder that causes Turturro to scream and cough in pain at random times. It isn´t funny the first time and repeating it again and again doesn´t make it any funnier.

The only scene in the film that has any kind of life to it is Bruce Willis´s tirade when he´s told to shave his beard. Willis looks like he could have given Jeff Bridges a run for the role of Obadiah Stane in Iron Man. The former John McClane is quite entertaining in the scene that was reportedly based on a real incident involving Alec Baldwin on the set of The Edge.

Levinson is undoubtedly familiar with all sorts of bizarre antics from movie folk having worked in the film industry as an actor, writer, director, and producer. He´s tackled the subject before in the oddly prescient Wag the Dog and, to a lesser extent, with the poorly made Man of the Year. This all-star production falls somewhere in the middle of those last two films. Directors with inflated opinions of their own artistic sensibilities, know-it-all executives who don´t really know anything and egoistical actors aren´t exactly revelations. What Just Happened? doesn´t beat a dead horse so much as jabs it with a pointy stick. Levinson set out to mock Hollywood and, ironically, made a film that fits in with the indistinguishable, milquetoast mass that it churns out.

Rating: * 1/2