Maleficent

Maleficent - Dir. Robert Stromberg (2014)

"Let us tell an old story anew and we will see how well you know it."

So begins Disney's latest attempt to mine their rich archives and re-imagine a classic fairy tale, both of which have become big business. Alice in Wonderland scored over a billion dollars at the box office to get the ball rolling. The House of Mouse has a live-action version of Cinderella coming in 2015 along with remakes of The Jungle Book and Beauty and the Beast in development. Maleficent is Disney's most radical interpretation of the classic tale of Sleeping Beauty, told from the point of view of one of their most iconic villain.

In a medieval fantasy land, there was an enchanted forest known as the Moors, which neighbored the kingdom of man. In the Moors, lived a young fairy named Maleficent (played as an adult by Angelina Jolie) who came across a farm boy Stefan (who eventually becomes Shalto Copley) as he attempted to steal a gem. The two grow close, but further apart as time goes on. Stefan is driven by his ambition to one day become king, a Herculean task given his station in life. Yet, he manages to worm his way into King Henry's (Kenneth Cranham) inner circle, just as his forces suffer a debilitating loss as they attempt to conquer the Moors. The dying King decrees that the one who brings him the head of Maleficent will inherit the throne. Stefan betrays Maleficent by drugging her though he is unable to go through with it. Instead, he cuts off her wings and brings them to the King. Maleficent awakens in horror and the forest grows dark in sync with her pain and anger. Meanwhile, Stefan is crowned the new monarch, marries King Henry's daughter, and they have a child of their own, Aurora (Elle Fanning).

Maleficent makes a grand entrance during the baby's christening and places a curse upon her. On her 16^th birthday, Aurora will prick her finger on the needle of a spinning wheel and fall into a deep sleep with true love's kiss the only thing that will awaken her. King Stefan orders all spinning wheels in the land destroyed and for Aurora to live in anonymity with three fairies: Knotgrass, Flittle & Thistlewit (Imelda Staunton, Lesley Manville & Juno Temple).

Maleficent marks the directorial debut of Robert Stromberg, a veteran visual effects artist and production designer who won Academy Awards for his work on Avatar and Alice in Wonderland. Maleficent is certainly dripping with eye candy though anyone who has seen those aforementioned films, along with Oz: The Great and Powerful (another of Stromberg's projects), will see nothing new. The enchanted forest is a glowing world of pixies, goblins, and living trees, but there's not a lot to differentiate it from Pandora or Wonderland. The score by James Newton Howard feels just as rehashed, trying too hard to sound like the work of Danny Elfman.

Maleficent is practically a one-woman show with Angelina Jolie giving a towering performance as the title role. Makeup by Rick Baker accentuates her otherworldly beauty with pronounced cheekbones, cat-like eyes, and her trademark crown of horns. Jolie clearly has a passion for the character and relates to the movie's themes as an adoptive mother and a woman who underwent a double mastectomy. The film positions Maleficent as a tragic figure demonized for decades by patriarchal oppression. The scene in which she loses her wings is an obvious metaphor for sexual assault, but the screenplay by Linda Woolverton (who turned Alice into a Joan of Arc-esque heroine) never fully follows through with these elements. Even at a brisk 97 minutes, the plot feels padded out. The disjointed nature could be chalked up to multiple rewrites (including uncredited work by Paul Dini) and reshoots supervised by John Lee Hancock (The Blind Side, Saving Mr. Banks). The pivotal moment when Maleficent places the curse on little Aurora stands as a highlight with Jolie really sinking her teeth into the role. The rest of Maleficent never lives up to the promise of this sequence.

The second act derails the entire movie as it focuses on Aurora being reared by the bumbling fairies. It's not that these characters are stupid; it's that they are Homer Simpsons stupid. They are so idiotic that there's no possible way Darwinism hadn't already done them in. Maleficent secretly observes them in bemusement while making sure the fairies don't accidentally poison Baby Aurora or allow her to wander off a cliff. Disney was able to cast three splendid actresses for the parts, but have them do nothing but forced slapstick. When they aren't slapping each other like the fairy tale Three Stooges, they're trapped in the uncanny valley as computer generated creatures that never look quite right. The filmmakers also had the opportunity to create a complicated villain in Stefan, but chose to turn him into a one-note baddie. Stefan descends into madness and you wonder if he cares at all about his wife or daughter. He becomes a paranoid shut-in who hears voices in his head. At this point, regicide would be entirely justified. Elle Fanning as little to do as Aurora who is rendered as little more than a wide-eyed china doll. The inclusion of the dragon and Prince Phillip (Brenton Thwaites) are simply perfunctory nods to the original animated picture.

In recent years, Disney has done a fine job in creating stronger female characters after decades of pretty princesses passively waiting for their Prince Charming. Maleficent falls in line with recent releases such as Brave, Tangled, and Frozen, but doesn't do anything interesting with the subject matter aside from presenting a special effects extravaganza. This is the same story as seen before in Wicked, Oz, and Once Upon a Time. There was an aura of menace and mystique with the original Maleficent that disappears in the 2014 version. Darth Vader, Wolverine, and Michael Myers didn't benefit from an origin story and neither did Maleficent.

Rating: ** (*****)

Vampire Academy

Vampire Academy - Dir. Mark Waters (2014)

The literary graveyard is strewn with the corpses of young adult novels that failed to become lucrative movie franchises. Hollywood studios have scoured the bookshelves looking for the next big thing. But, for every Hunger Games that becomes a box office sensation, there are a dozen also-rans like The Golden Compass, City of Ember, Beautiful Creatures, The Host, and The Mortal Instruments. These flops haven't scared the movers and shakers as 2014 has seen the release of Divergent as well as the upcoming The Giver and The Maze Runner. While Divergent was another big get for Summit Entertainment, Vampire Academy was nothing short of a misfire for the Weinstein Company.

The trailers for Vampire Academy made it appear to be another parody from the bankrupt minds of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. The movie culled obvious elements from Twilight, Mean Girls, and Harry Potter. Alas, Vampire Academy is actually based on a series of books by Richelle Mead.

In the world of Vampire Academy, there are three types of vampires. The Moroi are peaceful vampires who drink blood from willing subjects and only enough to sustain themselves. Sunlight is a weakness, but they don't burst into flames. They don't sparkle either. The Dhampir are half-human and half-vampire. They train and serve as the bodyguards for the Moroi elite. Then, there are the Strigoi, which are the vampires we have come to know and love. When a Moroi kills while feeding, they become an undead creature with a violent thirst for blood. Strigoi can only be killed by s silver stake.

Lissa Dragomir (Lucy Fry) is Moroi royalty who survived a deadly car accident that killed her parents and brother. The only other survivor is Lissa's best friend, Rose Hathaway (Zoey Deutch), a guardian in training. Due to this tragedy, the pair has developed a psychic bond that allows Rose to keep tabs on her charge.

The film picks up with Lissa and Rose on the run having fled the sanctuary of St. Vladimir's Academy two years ago. They are quickly caught and brought back to the boarding school by a group of guardians led by Dimitri Belikov (Danila Kozlovsky). Thrust back into the fold, Lissa and Rose must navigate the perilous waters of high school. On top of death threats and nasty rumors, there's young love as Lissa falls for Christian Ozera (Dominic Sherwood), an outcast whose parents were hunted down after turning Strigoi. Meanwhile, Rose tries to fight her feelings for her mentor Dimitri. No mention at all how creepy it is for the brooding warrior to be pining for an underage student.

It's easy to see why Vampire Academy would appeal to its target audience. The story revolves around two teenage girls with a focus on their friendship with romance as a side dish. Unlike Bella, Lissa and Rose are not passive protagonists and neither is defined by the men in their lives. Unfortunately, the script buries their relationship underneath a mountain of clumsy exposition and groan inducing dialogue. It feels as if the first half of the movie is spent entirely on establishing the rules of the world, the hierarchy of the vampires, and the backstories of our heroes. Nobody talks like a real human being, which is a shock since the screenplay was written by Daniel Waters, who penned the 80's teen comedy Heathers. The director is his brother, Mark Waters, who also helmed Mean Girls and another YA adaptation The Spiderwick Chronicles.

You wouldn't think established filmmakers had a hand in the making of Vampire Academy, more like a bunch of marketing firms piecing together a movie out of current trends and best sellers at Hot Topic. St. Vladimir's might be confused with Hogwarts if the latter didn't have a budget five times larger. None of the students learn about calculus or Shakespeare. They study magic, of course. Moroi have the ability to control the elements of earth, fire, wind, and water. It's up to the individual to decide which they wish to concentrate on. Lissa, being cut from the mold of the most special girl in the world, effortlessly controls all four along with the ability of Spirit that allows her to heal and join Captain Planet and the Planeteers. The Waters Brothers certainly get no love for forcing an actor of the caliber of Gabriel Byrne to speak awful lines such as, "She's a few corpuscles shy of a full artery."

Gabriel Byrne is absolutely wasted as the elderly vampire as are Olga Kurylenko as the school's headmistress and Joely Richardson in a throwaway role as the vampire queen. Zoey Deutch is quite charming and has drawn comparisons to Ellen Page in her delivery of one-liners, even if they consist of tired pop culture references. Deutch herself is 80's royalty being the daughter of Lea Thompson and Howard Deutch, the director of Some Kind of Wonderful and Pretty in Pink. Pink gets a shout out as Rose cavalierly calls her platonic guy friend, "Duckie."

Vampire Academy is an utterly unoriginal take on the genre. Yes, this movie sucks in more ways than one.

Rating: * (*****)

Epic

Epic - Dir. Chris Wedge (2013)

Epic is the latest CG feature from Blue Sky Studios, the animation studio behind the Ice Age series and Rio. Epic is better than any of their previous efforts, save for the first Ice Age, but it doesn't hold a candle to even the most modest Pixar production.

Mary Katherine (Amanda Seyfried), who prefers to be called 'M.K.,' reluctantly moves back in with her father, Professor Bomba (Jason Sudeikis), following the death of her mother. Dad lives in the middle of nowhere and believes a civilization of miniature people dwell in the forest. His crackpot theories have cost him his credibility in the scientific community as well as his marriage. Any chance of repairing his familial bonds is dashed as the Professor ignores his daughter in favor of chasing down evidence. But, Bomba has been right along because deep within the forest is a peaceful population of plant-like beings protected by an army known as the Leaf Men. They are at war with the Boggans and their leader Mandrake (Christoph Waltz), who is vowed to bring about death and decay. Whatever they destroy is easily brought back to life by the magical powers of Queen Tara (Beyoncé Knowles).

The two worlds collide following a Boggan ambush that mortally wounds the Queen just as M.K. wanders into the forest. She is shrunk down and thrust with the responsibility to protect a bulb that will select a new queen under the moon of the summer solstice. Joining M.K. on her quest are Ronin (Colin Farrell), the commander of the Leaf Men; Nod (Josh Hutcherson), a brash youngster who quit the service; and Mub & Grub (Aziz Ansari & Chris O'Dowd), a slug and snail tending the Queen's gardens.

Epic was loosely based on the children's book, The Leaf Men and the Brave Good Bugs, by William Joyce, author of Rise of the Guardians. Joyce was one of five credited screenwriters on Epic, which is never a good sign. The film holds no real surprises and borrows a number of recognizable elements from movies like FernGully, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and Avatar. The spine of the story follows the traditional hero's journey with Nod learning the importance of teamwork and responsibility. Other standard elements include the stoic mentor figure, the comic relief sidekicks, and the celebrity voiceover talent. Christoph Waltz as the villain isn't anything new, but even in animated form Waltz stands out as a fresh voice while other actors (Beyoncé and Steven Tyler) feel like stunt casting. Equally charming is a one-eyed, three-legged pug by the name of Ozzie.

The animation is beautifully rendered and the film shines during its many grand action sequences that include a climatic aerial battle with characters astride hummingbirds and bats as well as the ambush with Boggans camouflaged as tree bark.

When you title your film, Epic, you are setting high standards for yourself. The title is simultaneously grand and generic, which sufficiently describes the movie to a tee. It may be lacking in inventiveness, but kids will more than enjoy the wonderful animation and lighthearted humor.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

Oz the Great and Powerful

Oz the Great and Powerful - Dir. Sam Raimi (2013)

Walt Disney had always wanted to make an animated film based on Frank L. Baum's The Wizard of Oz. However, MGM beat him to the punch, acquiring the rights and producing their classic musical starring Judy Garland. The closest Disney ever came was a television special featuring the Mouseketeers as various characters and the disturbing cult classic Return to Oz with a young Fairuza Balk as Dorothy. Oz the Great and Powerful is an interesting proposition since it’s a prequel to another studio's movie. Despite the books now falling into public domain, Disney is unable to use elements specifically created for the cinematic version of Wizard of Oz, which is now owned by Warner Brothers. Thus, there are no ruby slippers and even the design of the Yellow Brick Road and the shade of green on the Wicked Witch's skin had to be altered.

Spoilers Ahead.

Oscar Diggs (James Franco) is a sideshow magician in a traveling circus that has found its way to the dustbowl of Kansas. He is not only an illusionist, but an inventor with aspirations to become Harry Houdini and Thomas Edison rolled into one. A jealous strongman chases Diggs into a hot air balloon that is quickly sucked into a tornado that transports him to the Land of Oz. Taking a cue from the 1939 version, Oz opens in black and white with the 1.33:1 aspect ratio before expanding to widescreen and fading into color. There, he is greeted by Theodora (Mila Kunis), a good witch who believes Diggs is the prophesized wizard that will free them from the tyranny of the Wicked Witch. Theodora's sister, Evanora (Rachel Weisz), promises Diggs he will become the new King of Oz and be rewarded the treasure of Emerald City should he defeat the Witch.

Diggs is joined on his journey by a talking monkey with wings named Finley (Zach Braff) and a living China Girl (Joey King), the only survivor of a porcelain village shattered by the Witch's army of flying baboons. But, the witch they are sent after is actually Glinda the Good (Michelle Williams) whose father, the former King of Oz, was poisoned by the true Wicked Witch, Evanora. When the truth comes out, Evanora manipulates her sister into biting an enchanted apple that turns her into the hook nosed Wicked Witch of the West.

It's clear that Disney is hoping to replicate the mammoth success of Alice in Wonderland. Both projects share a producer in Joe Roth and a production designer in Robert Stromberg, who also worked on Avatar. Those previous credits clearly shine through in the digital construction of Oz, which looks like a Technicolor melding of Wonderland and Pandora. There are enormous blossoms, river fairies with piranha-like teeth, and a glimmering art deco Emerald City. However, what's lacking is a sense of awe. The CGI environment never feels real and many scenes simply come off as actors walking in front of a green screen. The soundstages and matte paintings of the original film felt more real than the expensive special effects of Oz. Director Sam Raimi manages to inject some life into the action with his trademark flourishes of whip pans, accelerated zooms, canted angles, and cameos by brother Ted Raimi and Bruce Campbell. One set piece involves a Looney Tunes-esque sequence on a cliff that is played out in silhouette. When the heroes arrive at the Dark Forest, they are assailed by snapping vines in a creepy callback to Evil Dead. Thankfully, no one gets raped by tree branches. Raimi also tosses in several cool shots of the witches hurling magical energy at each other, especially Evanora who shoots lightning bolts like a Dark Lord of the Sith. The prologue makes nice use of 3D with objects flying out of frame, but the effects become less pronounced as the movie progresses.

James Franco never rises to the occasion of convincingly portraying the young wizard as a vintage flim-flam man. You imagine the character as someone like Robert Preston in The Music Man or George Clooney in O Brother, Where Art Thou, a scoundrel with the gift of gab. And it's easy to imagine why Raimi would be drawn to Diggs because Raimi's early days as a filmmaker required the same sense of invention, ingenuity, and salesmanship. You can also draw parallels between Oz and Army of Darkness, both of whom feature a protagonist transported to another land who must overcome their own selfish motivations to defeat an evil force with their unique knowledge.

Franco simply isn't up to the task, not surprising since he wasn't the first choice. The studio wanted Robert Downey Jr. and when he turned it down, they pursued Johnny Depp who was already committed to The Lone Ranger. While Franco could hardly be considered a consolation prize, Depp's previous turns as Ed Wood and Willy Wonka might have made him the perfect pick. Franco frequently takes a backseat to Finley and the feisty China Girl, who fill the roles of adorable sidekicks. Mila Kunis is equally out of depth as the Wicked Witch, a role that doesn't take advantage of her natural comedic skills. Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams pick up the slack and are absolutely stellar as Theodora's fellow spell-casters.

Oz the Great and Powerful was lavished with a budget of $200 million, but all that money couldn't buy this film any of the charm or timelessness of its predecessor.

Rating: ** (*****)

Jack the Giant Slayer

Jack the Giant Slayer - Dir. Bryan Singer (2013)

Fairy tales are ripe for the picking in Hollywood. They come with instant brand recognition around the world and, most importantly, they are in public domain. Studios don't have to dish out thousands of dollars for the rights. Jack the Giant Slayer is the latest to follow in that trend.

Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is a farm boy tilling the land in the kingdom of Cloister. As a young lad, he was fascinated with the story of King Erik. Long ago, a group of monks toyed with magic and created beans that would grow into stalks that reached to the heavens. They unknowingly brought down a race of bloodthirsty giants who proceeded to ransack the world of man. The remaining monks carved a magical crown out of the iron heart of a giant to grant Erik the power to control them and send them back to the land. The crown and the last of the beans were buried with King Erik and became legend.

Through happenstance, Jack trades the family horse for a pouch of those magic beans, much to the chagrin of his uncle who tosses them away. Meanwhile, Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) flees from the castle to escape her arranged marriage to the odious Lord Roderick (Stanley Tucci), who has secretly stolen King Erik's crown. On a stormy night, Isabelle seeks shelter in Jack's home just as the bean sprouts and sends her into the land of the giants. Led by the two-headed General Fallon (Bill Nighy), the giants have been searching for a way to return and seek revenge for their past defeat. Jack and members of the king's elite guard climb the beanstalk to rescue the Princess while Roderick plots to enslave the giants and rule all the kingdoms.

Jack the Giant Slayer might be considered this year's John Carter as an overly expensive blockbuster that played to empty theaters. The production budget was almost $200 million and the release date was pushed back from summer of 2012 to the doldrums of February. However, Jack and John Carter do not deserve to be categorized alongside notorious flops such as Heaven's Gate or Ishtar. Make no mistake, Jack the Giant Slayer is far from a great movie, but it's more enjoyable than Bryan Singer's last two films, Superman Returns and Valkyrie. The script sticks rigidly to a predictable formula and most of the humor falls flat. The CGI is a mixed bag. There's no sense of wonder or fear when the characters first encounter the grotesque giants who burp, fart, and pick their noses.

Still, Jack the Giant Slayer is refreshingly straightforward without being wildly revisionist in the manner of Snow White and the Huntsman or Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. It's fast paced without the bloated running time of other epics, something Peter Jackson seems to have forgotten. Jack maintains a lighthearted tone throughout even while the body count rises and rises. It's a bloodless film, but little kids might be spooked at the prospect of a giant biting a man in half, despite the grisly act being committed offscreen.

Nicholas Hoult is getting to the point where he can do no wrong. Fresh off Warm Bodies, Hoult gives another terrific performance for a rather bland character. Eleanor Tomlinson does her best, but her princess gets stuck as the damsel in distress too often. Despite being written as headstrong (she sneaks out of the castle ala Princess Jasmine), she spends most of the movie screaming and waiting to be rescued. Just as Ewan McGregor did his best Alec Guinness impression for the Star Wars prequels, he does his best Errol Flynn here as Elmont, the captain of the king's guard. His Transpotting co-star Ewan Bremner is in full on Spud mode as Roderick's simple-minded toady. Stanley Tucci is a hoot as the villain. With his stringy hair and gapped teeth, he resembles an ancestor of Tim Burton. It's also nice to see Ian McShane cast as someone other than the baddie. He plays Isabelle's father, King Brahmwell. Genre fans should take note as Warwick Davis appears in a cameo and Fallon's other head is voiced by John Kassir, who also did the voice of the Crypt Keeper on HBO's Tales from the Crypt.

Singer directs the action sequences with aplomb, particularly the unique way in which the beanstalks grow. The climax is a chaotic castle siege that remains exciting and visibly coherent without all the choppy editing and shaky cam. There's also a cleverly staged sequence in which Jack rescues Elmont from being baked alive by a giant chef.

Sporting a bloated budget and a scant opening weekend, Jack the Giant Slayer will undoubtedly stand as one of the 2013's biggest bombs. Jack is no Princess Bride, but it should hardly be considered one of the year's worst movies.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters - Dir. Tommy Wirkola (2013)

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is the latest in a string of revisionist fairytale films following Snow White and the Huntsman and Red Riding Hood. You might even throw in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which delved into the secret history of the famed president and his battles against the undead. In Witch Hunters, writer/director Tommy Wirkola reveals what happened to the sibling duo after their childhood run-in with an evil witch and her gingerbread house.

As children (played by Cedric Eich and Alea Sophia Boudodimos), they were left alone in the woods by their father and barely survived their first encounter with a witch. As adults (played by Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton), they earn a living by traveling the countryside, killing witches, and saving abducted children. Hansel and Gretel are called to the town of Augsburg where many kids have been taken by a coven of witches led by the powerful Muriel (Famke Janssen). Muriel intends to use the children for a ritual sacrifice that will grant her wicked sisters immunity against fire.

Wirkola is no stranger to these oddball mash-ups. His previous picture was the horror/comedy, Dead Snow, featuring a group of vacationing teens battling a cadre of zombie Nazis. Here, Wirkola has some fun re-imaging Hansel and Gretel as a leather-clad two-some armed with a variety of steampunk inspired weapons such as machine guns, mechanized crossbows, and an early 19^th century version of a stun gun. Witch Hunters pays absolutely no attention to historical accuracy, which leads to dialogue riddled with anachronistic inanities. “Will you shut up?” and “That was awesome,” for example.

Considering the thin story, it’s not surprising that Wirkola originally envisioned the concept as a short film. The majority of the plot consists of the characters wandering the forest and fighting a witch ad nauseum. There’s not much in between other than a half-baked romance for Hansel and a convoluted origin for him and his sister. You’d think the movie would be cleverer with Will Ferrell and Adam McKay listed as producers. Unfortunately, Witch Hunters feels like a Funny or Die short stretched beyond its capabilities. Wirkola does manage to sprinkle in a scant few sparkling ideas including a gag where portraits of missing kids are tied to milk bottles. Hansel also happens to have diabetes as a result of the witch force feeding him sugary treats to fatten him up. He requires regular insulin shots, but that plot point is forgotten for much of the movie until the climax.

The original Grimm fairytales were gruesome cautionary tales. While Witch Hunters never gets that gory, it does earn its R-rating with plenty of cartoonish violence. Witches are regularly beheaded, burned, and sliced to ribbons. The score by Icelandic composer Alti Orvarsson is energetic and reminiscent of the Sherlock Holmes soundtrack by Hans Zimmer, who served as music supervisor.

Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton make the most of their roles, but both actors deserve better. It’s doubly disappointing to see Gretel transforming from kick-ass chick to damsel in distress requiring her brother to rescue her. Famke Janssen doesn’t get much either as the villain since she spends most of the film hidden behind Evil Dead-esque make-up. Peter Stormare appears in a small role as an obstinate sheriff very similar to his part in Terry Gilliam’s The Brothers Grimm.

Just like The Brothers Grimm and Van Helsing, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is an oddball concept that is never fully realized. At least, Wirkola tackles his film with a tongue-in-cheek attitude and a brisk runtime.

Rating: ** (*****)

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - Dir. Peter Jackson (2012)

An Unexpected Journey might as well describe the arduous process of bringing J.R.R. Tolkien's celebrated novel, The Hobbit, to the silver screen. The adaptation languished in development hell due to legal entanglements and the dire financial straits of MGM, who were co-producing it with New Line Cinema. While Peter Jackson stayed on as producer and co-writer with collaborators Philippa Boyens and Frank Walsh, the directorial reins were handed over to Guillermo Del Toro. However, after two years of pre-production in New Zealand, Del Toro departed and Jackson returned as director. Not to disparage the man's undeniable talents, but a fresh pair of eyes may have done wonders for The Hobbit.

Jackson's remake of King Kong received similar criticisms to his LOTR prequel in that both were lambasted for being self-indulgent and overlong. Things might have turned out differently had The Hobbit been filmed first as originally intended. The novel was a lighthearted adventure aimed at children whereas The Lord of the Rings was an expansive trilogy that weaved a rich and incredibly complex mythology. Jackson and his team somehow took what was necessary and jettisoned the extraneous to craft three pictures that stand as remarkable cinematic achievements. Now that he's given the audience a taste of mammoth spectacle, Jackson may have felt obliged to do the same with The Hobbit. The question remained how Jackson would adapt one book and some extra material into a new trilogy.

Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) lives a simple and quiet life that is interrupted upon the arrival of the wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellan). Gandalf practically shanghais Bilbo into a quest with a band of dwarves led by Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage). They seek to take back their kingdom of Erebor from the dragon Smaug that drove them from their land and treasure years ago. Along the way, they are pursued by a bloodthirsty Orc named Azog the Defiler (Manu Bennett), who killed Thorin's father during a battle at the gates of Moria.

It's truly wonderful to return to the world of Middle-Earth as envisioned by Peter Jackson. Once the nostalgia fades, you realize just how laborious the story is. The Hobbit takes its time introducing the protagonists and Bilbo doesn't embark on his adventure until about half an hour. Characters given only a passing reference in the book, such as Azog and Radagast the Brown (Sylvester McCoy), are expanded upon for the movie. The quest itself takes numerous detours including an interminable stop at Rivendell where Gandalf seeks council with Elrond (Hugo Weaving) and Galadriel (Cate Blanchett). The majority of the sequence doesn't advance the plot, but merely serves as a setup for later installments. There's also a scene depicting the elderly Bilbo (Ian Holm) and Frodo (Elijah Wood) set just before the events of Fellowship of the Ring that should have been reserved for the Extended Edition Blu-ray. Jackson threatens an additional twenty minutes of footage for that version.

Freeman's Sherlock co-star Benedict Cumberbatch receives a prominent credit for playing Smaug and the Necromancer. Yet, he doesn't appear at all or speak a single line.

While Jackson may not be the most judicious writer, he does have a remarkable eye for action. There's a scene where two mountains come to life and clash against the backdrop of a torrential thunderstorm with Bilbo and the dwarves helplessly caught in the middle like insects. Another sees the heroes fight their way through an underground goblin den.

Despite the inordinate runtime, the large company of dwarves are hardly flesh out save for Thorin though most get a smidgeon of personality. Owing to a lack of doom and gloom, Gandalf is a less portentous character in the prequel. He's a little looser and more whimsical, allowing McKellan to have some fun with him. The same goes for Hugo Weaving as Elrond. The real star of The Hobbit is Martin Freeman who is perfectly cast as the unlikeliest of heroes. Freeman has great comic timing and the right amount of nervous reluctance. Even with all the amazing set pieces, the highlight of The Hobbit is the sequence where Bilbo and Gollum (Andy Serkis) challenge each other to a game of riddles. These scenes run the gamut of emotions from humorous to frightening. A lot of that is owed to both the performance of Freeman as well as Serkis with an assist from the motion capture artists. Technology has grown to allow Gollum a more expressive and ghoulish visage.

Speaking of technology, The Hobbit is the first feature film shot at 48-frames per second (aka High Frame Rate), which is double the industry standard. Thus, audiences have the choice to see it in plain old 2D, regular 3D, HFR 3D, IMAX 3D, and HFR IMAX 3D. I saw The Hobbit first in 2D in order to avoid any visual distractions. That would be my preferred format. The HFR version features exceptionally clear picture quality and a far more defined depth of field for the 3D. On the other hand, the resolution is so sharp that the movie looks more like a high definition broadcast of a theatrical play. There are times when the characters move as if they are on fast forward. I haven't mentioned the eyestrain it caused me from time to time. Maybe when James Cameron shoots Avatar 2 and 3 at 60FPS the tech will have improved, but for now HFR should be considered a work in progress.

After shooting Star Wars in 1977, George Lucas didn't return to the director's chair until he filmed The Phantom Menace over twenty years later. Fans immediately decried the prequels as drivel that emphasized special effects over genuine emotion. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey certainly isn't as awful as any of the Star Wars prequels, but it hardly holds a glowing blue sword to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The Hobbit simply didn't need to be told on such a grand scale.

Rating: *** (*****)

Snow White and the Huntsman

Snow White and the Huntsman - Dir. Rupert Sanders (2012)

Revisionist fairy tales are the newest fad to hit Hollywood, especially since Disney made over a billion dollars with Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. The House of Mouse is also developing, Maleficent, a new take on Sleeping Beauty from the perspective of the evil sorceress with Angelina Jolie in the title role. At the same time, they postponed production on The Order of the Seven, which would have seen Saoirse Ronan as a version of Snow White under the protection of seven martial arts masters. An escalating budget and the fact that two other studios beat Disney to the punch were factors in its derailment. Relativity Media took the lighthearted, kid-friendly route with Mirror Mirror while Universal went darker with Snow White and the Huntsman.

Once upon a time, King Magnus (Noah Huntley) reigned over the land in peace though he was saddened by the death of his wife. That is, until he rescued the beautiful Ravenna (Charlize Theron) from the clutches of a Dark Army. Ravenna wastes no time in seducing then murdering the king, stealing the throne, and locking the king's daughter, Snow White (Raffey Cassidy as a child, Kristen Stewart as an adult) in the tower. Ravenna must steal the youth of pretty girls to maintain her attractiveness. But, to stay forever young, she must consume Snow White's heart when she comes of age.

Snow White eventually escapes into the Dark Forest (yes, everything is dark in this movie) where no man dares to tread. Ravenna and her obsequies brother, Finn (Sam Spruell), enlist the assistance of the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth), a scruffy bruiser prone to drink following the death of his wife. The Huntsman reluctantly helps the Queen's henchmen track down Snow White before joining forces with the princess as well as her childhood love Prince William (Sam Clafin) and a band of dwarves led by the blind Muir (Bob Hoskins).

Snow White and the Huntsman is clearly inspired by Lord of the Rings and HBO's Game of Thrones, setting the story in a grimy medieval world where knights in armor clash on the battlefield. In his feature debut, commercial director Rupert Sanders relies too much on herky jerky camera movements for his action sequences. This quibble can be forgiven because the film is handsomely shot by cinematographer Greig Fraser (David Cronenberg's Spider, Let Me In) with James Newton Howard's score bringing the sturm und drang and a random Florence & The Machine song to go over the end credits.

Twlight star Kristen Stewart is once again caught in the middle of a love triangle between the gruff Huntsman and the noble prince. While Stewart excels at being the doe-eyed waif, she struggles during the picture's heavier moments. She just doesn't have the gravitas (or a convincing English accent) needed when called upon to deliver the climactic Braveheart/St. Crispin's Day speech to inspire the masses. It's not entirely her fault as the screenplay credited to Evan Daughtery, John Lee Hancock (The Blind Side), and Hossein Amini (Drive) fails to feed Stewart dialogue that could stir a cup of coffee, let alone an army to rise against the oppressive regime. Never mind how a girl locked in a tiny cell for half her life suddenly becomes Joan of Arc.

Chris Hemsworth trades his mystical uru hammer for an axe to play the roguish romantic lead. Audiences will likely choose Team Huntsman over Team William due to the Han Solo-esque charm Hemsworth adds to the character over the blandness of the prince. This is no knock on Sam Clafin's acting abilities, but a reflection on the script's thin characterization as well as a lack of screen time. More time too could have been devoted to the dwarves, whom Sanders cast as if he were casting a British gangster pic. Thus, we get incredible thespians like Bob Hoskins, Ian McShane, Eddie Marsan, Toby Jones, Ray Winstone, and Nick Frost along with the lesser known Johnny Harris and Brian Gleeson, son of Brendan Gleeson. Movie magic turns them into a diminutive band of highwaymen.

The most fascinating character in Snow White is the evil Queen Ravenna and Charlize Theron gets to play it to the hilt. Theron is so good in the role that you'll actually be rooting for the bad guy to win. This is a damaged woman transformed into a man-hating succubus by a cruel patriarchal society that destroys innocence and beauty. Ravenna has a strange incestuous relationship with her brother reminiscent of Cersei and Jaime Lannister. The creepiness is amplified by Sam Spruell's pageboy haircut, which makes him look like an albino Anton Chigurh.

Snow White and the Huntsman is a surprisingly entertaining fantasy film. Yes, Kristen Stewart is miscast as the lead and the screenplay is riddled with clichés of Snow White being "the one." However, the visuals are stunning and Charlize Theron is absolutely captivating as the villainous queen.

Rating: *** (*****)

The Nutcracker

The Nutcracker - Dir. Andrei Konchalovskiy (2010)

As a film critic, I am blessed to be able to review and discuss so many great films. The trade off is that I am often forced to sit through some truly terrible ones. But, never have I run into a movie so horrible that it actually made me question my choice to become a critic. Never until The Nutcracker, a movie so wretched that it not only made me question my career choices, but made me question the very purpose of my life. Yes, the sheer horrendousness of The Nutcracker actually shook me on an existential level.

Filmmaker Andrey Konchalovskiy has had a long and varied career. He co-wrote the screenplay for Andrei Rublev with the great Andrei Tarkovsky along with directing films like Runaway Train and Tango & Cash. Okay, so they all can't be winners. Still, Tango & Cash is a cinematic classic compared to The Nutcracker: The Untold Story, a decades old dream project of Konchalovskiy's. These dreams must have come after imbibing of too much egg nog and fruitcake. Konchalovskiy and co-writer Chris Solimine adapted their script from Tchaikovsky's famed ballet and E.T.A. Hoffman's original story, The Nutcracker and the Mouse King, which inspired it. There are also Nazis because everything is improved with the addition of Nazis.

The film is set in Vienna during the 1940's with young Mary (Elle Fanning) looking forward to spending Christmas with her family. Those hopes are dashed when her parents (Richard E. Grant and the director's wife, Yuliya Vysotskaya) plan to attend a lavish party with all the other bluebloods. She is further irritated by her younger brother, Max (Aaron Michael Drozin), when he callously breaks her toys. The holiday picks up when the children are visited by their eccentric Uncle Albert Einstein (Nathan Lane), who gifts Mary with a wooden nutcracker. Later that night, Mary is shocked when the Nutcracker (voiced by Shirley Henderson) comes to life. It turns out the Nutcracker, calling himself N.C., is really a prince who was transformed and banished from his land by the evil Rat King (John Turturro) and his goose-stepping minions. Together, Mary and N.C. embark on a quest to break the curse and liberate the prince's kingdom.

Konchalovskiy's production is a nightmarish melding of musical and dance while blatantly stealing from other fantasy works like The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland. Another character, a dreadlocked drummer boy named Sticks (Africa Nile), looks like he wandered away from the cast of Stomp. The second-rate Terry Gilliam style set designs and special effects range from downright laughable to ugly eyesores. There is absolutely no sense of grandeur. There's no sense of grace to the few dance numbers in the picture. The first is an approximation of the "Waltz of the Snowflakes" with Elle Fanning twirling around with snow fairies in front of some atrocious green screen work. Later, we get John Turturro effeminately prancing around before electrocuting a shark inside an aquarium tank in a random reference to contemporary artist Damien Hirst's The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living. I suppose the audience is supposed to think Konchalovskiy is incredibly cultured and intelligent for throwing this into a kids' movie.

The one good thing The Nutcracker has going for it are the renowned compositions by Tchaikovsky. Unfortunately, Konchalovskiy finds a way to ruin those by drowning them out with inane lyrics by Tim Rice, who has written lyrics for Andrew Lloyd Webber (Jesus Christ Superstar, Evita) and Disney (Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King). Don't expect comparable work here, Rice must have pulled stuff out of his ass for a quick paycheck. The music gets off to a rotten start with Nathan Lane and his cartoonish German accent crooning a Mary Poppins-esque ditty about relativity to "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies."

Despite advertising itself as a whimsical fantasy for the whole family, The Nutcracker has enough creepy imagery that parents should be warned. In fact, some adults may also find some of its elements to be disturbing as well. When angered, Turturro's face morphs into a more deformed rat-like visage that instantly reminded me of Large Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. The wooden Nutcracker also has a sinister bent with his bulging, soulless eyes. There's also an unsettling monkey man. I haven't even gotten to how the rats are rounding up all the children's toys and throwing them into a massive crematorium. Talk about poor taste.

The Nutcracker was released into theaters at the end of 2010 around the same time as Sofia Coppola's Somewhere, which also starred Elle Fanning. You might notice she looks a lot younger here. That's because this film went into production in 2007 and set for a release in December of 2009 as The Nutcracker in 3D. However, the post-conversion process was so shoddily done that it was pushed back another year while the $65 million budget ballooned to a ridiculous $90 million.

Even when I have to write a bad review about a picture, I try to be diplomatic about it. I try to find at least one or two redeeming qualities. Alas, there are none aside from the miniscule relief I felt about not having to see this crap in 3D. I cannot hold back the epic levels of hatred I had for Konchalovskiy's The Nutcracker, which has earned a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. How did anyone possibly think anything about this movie was a good idea?

Rating: DUD

Conan the Barbarian

Conan the Barbarian - Dir. Marcus Nispel (2011)

The life story of author Robert E. Howard could probably make for a compelling film. He practiced boxing and bodybuilding as a boy and this physicality would inform his later writing. Howard's mother, Hester, contracted tuberculosis from caring for ill relatives before she ever met his father, Isaac, meaning she was dying throughout his entire life. When Hester fell into an unrecoverable coma, Howard (aged 30) shot himself in the head. Many have speculated about his mental state, but what was undeniable was his body of work. Howard wrote numerous short stories for the Depression-era pulp magazine, Weird Tales, which also published the writings by H.P. Lovecraft and Clark Ashton Smith. Howard created characters like Bran Mak Morn, Solomon Kane, and his most renowned creation Conan the Barbarian, which ushered in the genre of sword and sorcery.

Conan was first brought to the silver screen in 1983 with a feature film directed by John Milius, who co-wrote the script with Oliver Stone. It managed to skyrocket the movie career of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nowadays, it's known more as a cult classic of 80's action cheese rather than a faithful adaptation of Howard's stories. It spawned a sequel in Conan the Destroyer and a spinoff, Red Sonja, a character originally created in the Marvel Comics series by Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith, who based her on a pastiche of other Howard characters. A third Conan film was mired in development hell. One script based on the novel, Hour of the Dragon, was put into production until Arnold backed out. Kevin Sorbo replaced him, but refused to star in a role previously played by another actor. So the studio renamed it Kull the Conqueror to shoehorn in a previous barbarian character Howard had created.

Comparisons between that version and the all new Conan the Barbarian are inevitable. Enough time has passed from my last viewing of Arnold's Conan that it doesn't cloud my experience of the new one. I will say that Conan's new catchphrase, "I live, I love, I slay and I am content." doesn't hold a candle to…

"What is best in life?"
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women."

This new Conan gets off to a promising start with an expository narration by Morgan Freeman about the history of the mythical Hyborian Age, a time after the fall of Atlantis. It's all about the ancient Mask of Acheron, which could grant its wearer ultimate power. Next is an internal shot of a sword piercing a womb. We cut to a pregnant woman in full battle garb in the midst of a violent struggle. Her husband, Corin (Ron Perlman), comes to her aid. He performs an emergency C-section and pulls his newborn son from her belly. He says, "Name your son," and she answers, "His name is Conan!" Corin holds the baby, covered in viscera and after-birth, to the high heavens and lets out a hearty scream. Cue title logo.

A pre-teen Conan (Leo Howard) undergoes a brutal rite of passage as he slays several attackers in the snow-covered forests outside his village. He tosses their heads at the feet of his father as proof of his brave deed. Unfortunately, these happy days of decapitation end when the forces of Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) invade in a quest to reassemble the pieces of the Mask. In an homage to Once Upon a Time in the West, young Conan and his Corin are placed into an unfortunate death trap involving molten steel that doesn't end well for daddy.

The adult Conan (Jason Momoa) returns to seek revenge against Khalar Zym and his half-witch daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan). Zym seeks to sacrifice a pure-blooded virgin in order to empower the mask and conquer the world.

It's odd that themes of filial vengeance played such a huge role in both Conan films, despite the fact these elements were not present in the source material. Conan the Barbarian is simply a victim of Hollywood's incessant need to origin stories for every character they get their hands on. His name is Conan the Barbarian. Is there anything more you need to know? Does the audience genuinely need to delve into his psychological make-up to truly understand a guy who just likes to kill and fuck?

The production budget was a whopping $90 million and while it looks better than the original, doesn't look at all like they spent $90 million. The special effects begin to fail in the second half of the film as if the filmmakers started running out of time and money. The worst sequence has to be a third act battle between Conan and a tentacled monster. The creature looks terribly fake and the picture is murky and nearly incomprehensible due to the haphazard 3D conversion. Faring better is a fight scene pitting Conan against ninjas made out of sand. The CGI looks good, but the action is poorly staged by director Marcus Nispel, who makes the common mistake of cutting in too close and too quickly. Nispel, who also directed the remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th, is the primary reason why I had such low expectations going into Conan. He also directed 2007's Pathfinder, a brutally boring movie about Native Americans versus Viking invaders. It almost makes you wish Brett Ratner had stuck around. Almost.

The largely unknown Jason Momoa undoubtedly won fans over for his portrayal of Khal Drogo on HBO's Game of Thrones. He definitely has the charisma and the steely gaze to make a badass Conan. You just wish he had better material to work with. Stephen Lang gets another chance to play the snarling villain. Lang gets to chew up plenty of scenery as does Rose McGowan, who looks like she got make-up and wardrobe tips from her ex Marilyn Manson. Meanwhile, Rachel Nichols as the virgin Tamara doesn't get much to do other than look pretty. Also, it was unclear whether or not she needed to be a virgin for the blood sacrifice because Conan ruins that at the end of the second act. To no one's surprise, they engage in a softly lit love scene that looks like it was lifted from an early-90's skin flick that aired on late night Cinemax.

In between the flash forward, there is a brief mention of Conan's adventures as a mercenary, pirate, and thief. Any one of those stories would have been more interesting than this generic schlock. Conan the Barbarian should have been easy to pull off. Take some of the best elements from Howard's stories, combine with the visceral visuals of Frank Frazetta, and toss in plenty of blood and boobs. Instead, we get a boring series of clichés that is only Conan the Barbarian in name. Nispel's film has more in common with the litany of 80's knockoffs like The Beastmaster, Deathstalker, and Yor, the Hunter From the Future.

Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. Grant me one request. That someone finally make a GOOD Conan movie. And if you do not listen, then the hell with you.

Rating: * (*****)

Your Highness

Your Highness - Dir. David Gordon Green (2011)

David Gordon Green cut his teeth on the independent film circuit with stunning tales of small town life. He won critical acclaim for his first two features, George Washington and All the Real Girls. It was with great surprise that Green stepped into the mainstream with Pineapple Express, a hilarious fusion of stoner comedy and action movie. For his follow-up, Green once again returns to the world of lowbrow stoner humor and combines it with the medieval fantasy. Co-written by Eastbound & Down collaborators Danny McBride and Ben Best, Your Highness is like watching drunken fratboys play Dungeons & Dragons. Imagine The Princess Bride or Willow filled with jokes about naked forest nymphs, Minotaur cocks, and pedophiliac wizards.

McBride is Prince Thadeous, a variation of the usual shiftless jerks he usually plays. Thadeous is an irresponsible jackass living in the shadow of his brave and handsome brother Fabious (James Franco). When Fabious’s virginal bride, Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), is kidnapped by the evil sorcerer Leezar (Justin Theroux), Thadeous is forced to embark on a quest to rescue her and maybe finally grow up for a change. They are eventually joined by Isabel (Natalie Portman), a huntress also on a quest for vengeance against Leezar.

The cast also includes: Charles Dance as King Tallious, Rasmus Hardiker as Thadeous’s valet Courtney, Damian Lewis as Fabious’s right-hand knight Boremont, and Toby Jones as Fabious’s smarmy valet Julie.

McBride plays his role with aplomb while Franco sends up his pretty boy image. The real surprise has to be Justin Theroux, who is scene-stealingly funny as the villainous Leezar. Theroux portrays him less as a megalomaniacal necromancer and more of a LARP geek lashing out at the jocks who always gave him wedgies. Theroux also gets some of the movie’s best lines, ”If your vagina is anything like my hand…there’ll be no problem.” Natalie Portman may not have the fire to play a convincing warrior woman, but she looks absolutely phenomenal in a leather thong. Her well-toned buttocks so glorious that censors will forced to digitally cover it up lest unsuspecting audiences be overwhelmed by the pure beauty.

Unfortunately, a great deal of the humor in Your Highness falls flat. The film never takes the opportunity to lambaste the conventions of the fantasy genre. Fabious possesses a mechanical bluebird ala Clash of the Titans, but the joke never goes anywhere. Instead, McBride chooses the easy route by relying on all the requisite dick and fart jokes of an R-rated comedy while characters hurl anachronistic insults like ‘motherfucker.’ I haven’t even begun to get into the homophobic humor that borders on the repugnant. One of the movie’s most bizarre moments comes when the brothers seek advice from a hookah smoking muppet, who looks like he was thrown off the set of The Dark Crystal. Fabious has a bad trip and reveals he may have participated in Michael Jackson-esque slumber parties with the old wizard. The scene goes on way too long and strains the already thin joke. That pretty much sums up the whole picture.

Rating: ** (*****)

Red Riding Hood

Red Riding Hood - Dir. Catherine Hardwicke (2011)

Twilight is officially now a verb and I don't mean, "I ate some bad Mexican food and had to take a major Twilight." Hollywood execs sit around the boardroom looking at tried and true stories, then ask themselves how can we Twilight it? That means taking a classic like Beauty and the Beast and turning it into a love story about mopey teenagers (Beastly). Red Riding Hood may be the best (worst?) example of turning a well-known story and giving it the Twilight treatment. Warner Brothers even hired director Catherine Hardwicke, who works off a script by David Johnson (Orphan and the upcoming Clash of the Titans sequel).

Amanda Seyfried is Valerie, who lives in the village of Daggerhorn, nestled deep in the forests of some nebulous European countryside. Valerie is arranged by her mother, Suzette (Virginia Madsen), to be married to Henry (Max Irons), the clean cut son of a wealthy blacksmith. However, she is in love with the mussy haired Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), a humble woodcutter. Evidently, in ye olden days blacksmiths made more money than lumberjacks. The villagers make regular sacrifices to appease the werewolf who stalks the night during a full moon. The fragile peace is broken when the wolf murders Valerie's older sister. The townsfolk go on the hunt, but are sadly lacking in pitchforks and torches. As the werewolf claims more victims, the desperate people call upon noted werewolf hunter, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), a religious fanatic with silver fingernails.

Though she's mostly known for directing the first Twilight film, Hardwicke made her debut with Thirteen, a critically praised coming-of-age tale about a teenage girl played by a young Evan Rachel Wood. Red Riding Hood is like some absurdist combination of the two. The set design is one of the main problems. Daggerhorn is a place that could only exist on a soundstage, but isn't stylish enough for you to buy into it.

The themes of Red Riding Hood are about as subtle as the spine-chilling howl of a wolf at the moon. Valerie is clad in the flowing crimson robe that has become a trademark of the titular character. Not exactly the wisest choice if one wants to remain inconspicuous, but it represents the character's sexual awakening. When the heroine pops her cherry, she does so by literally rolling in the hay with the brooding bad boy. Hardwicke shoots the love scene like a 1980's perfume commercial caught in a dream-like haze. There's also an odd pagan luau (set to Fever Ray) that just might rival the orgy rave from The Matrix Revolutions in terms of perplexing debauchery. Aside from the soap opera love triangle, Hardwicke hammers home themes of religious and government oppression through the character of Father Solomon. He fosters suspicion and distrust amongst the villagers and tortures innocent people. Didn't we already get a better version of this in The Crucible? And do we really need allusions to Guantanamo and the Patriot Act in a teen romance picture?

Hardwicke has cast some decent young actors to play the leads, but their performances are bland due to thinly drawn characterizations and leaden dialogue. The rest of the ensemble is filled by recognizable talents, who aren't exactly utilized to their fullest potential. Virginia Madsen and the great Julie Christie (as the Grandmother) are wasted while sci-fi fans will wonder what the heck are Battlestar Galactica's Michael Hogan and Stargate SG-1's Michael Shanks doing in this. Without a doubt, Gary Oldman is the best thing in the movie. He's menacing, but restrained. This is the sort of role begging for maniacal lunacy ala The Professional.

It's cheesy as cheesy gets, but Red Riding Hood can't even be appreciated as a campy cult film. This Big Bad Wolf has given us a big bad movie.

Rating: * (*****)

Sucker Punch

Sucker Punch - Dir. Zack Snyder (2011)

It's ironic that Zack Snyder calls his production company, Cruel and Unusual Films, because his latest picture is a cruel and unusual experience. Sucker Punch is a tedious and exhausting exercise in sensory overload. Snyder has been marketed as a "visionary director" for helming a surprisingly good remake of George Romero's Dawn of the Dead as well as the meticulously faithful comic book adaptations, 300 and Watchmen. Visionary? I actually agree. It takes a man of unique vision to make such a dull movie, despite the fact that it revolves around beautiful young girls armed to the teeth with automatic weapons, swords, and mechsuits.

Snyder unleashes his first film based on an original idea, fleshed out by himself and co-writer Steve Shibuya. However, all Sucker Punch proves is that Snyder doesn't have an original idea floating around in his head. Just bits and pieces of all those issues of Heavy Metal he grew up on with whatever hip video games, anime, and comics the kids are all talking about these days.

Sucker Punch opens with a wordless prologue set in the 1960's and featuring Emily Browning as a blonde, pig-tailed girl known only as Baby Doll. The actress provides something akin to narration with a melodiously melancholy version of "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" by The Eurythmics. Baby Doll's mother has passed away, leaving her and a younger sister in the charge of their wicked stepfather (Gerard Plunkett), who is angered at being cut out of the will. Baby Doll accidentally shoots her sibling while trying to stop stepdad from molesting her. As a result, he has Baby Doll committed to a mental institute. It's a feel-good movie for the whole family.

The ticking clock counts down when the stepfather bribes a crooked orderly, Blue (Oscar Isaac), to forge a signature from Dr. Gorski (Carla Gugino) in order to have Baby Doll lobotomized. She must find a way to escape from this gothic horror show and does so in more ways than one. Baby Doll imagines the insane asylum is now a high-class nightclub/bordello where she and her fellow inmates are forced to work as dancers and hookers. Blue is re-imagined as the owner/pimp with Gorski as their demanding dance instructor. As Baby Doll is forced to strut her stuff, her mind travels deeper into a second fantasy world where we go from Black Swan to Kill Bill with our heroine dressed in a black schoolgirl outfit and looking like the pinky violence version of Sailor Moon. There, she is tasked by the Wise Man (Scott Glenn in the David Carradine role) to gather a collection of objects which will facilitate her escape.

Soon, she is joined by Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish), Rocket (Jena Malone), Blondie (Vanessa Hudgens), and Amber (Jamie Chung). Trading in burlesque outfits for dominatrix combat gear, they become an elite fighting force battling Nazi steampunk zombies on an apocalyptic WWII battleground, Orcs and fire-breathing dragons in a dark Lord of the Rings inspired castle, and gleaming robots on a speeding futuristic bullet train.

The action sequences are undeniably the main attraction of Sucker Punch and it's obvious they were Snyder's primary concern. The marketing has revolved entirely around ass-kicking girls. The over-the-top fantasy realms Snyder has dreamed up are stunning, confectionary visuals for the undemanding movie-goer seeking sweet, sweet eye candy. These scenes revel in their ludicrousness. In the first fantasy, Baby Doll delivers a death blow to a giant samurai armed with a Gatling gun then walks away in slow motion as everything explodes behind her and all set to Bjork's "Army of Me." The very idea seems fun at first until you realize that there are no stakes or emotional engagement. Snyder makes no attempt to blur the lines between reality and fantasy. We know we are in the protagonist's imagination as such we know the girls are in no danger because none of it is real. Once the novelty wears off, the spectacular set pieces become more and more dull to the point where the final sequence descends into a chaotic mess as Snyder crams as much as possible into every shot. Snyder tops it off by drowning everything with fem-rock covers of tunes by varied artists like the Stooges, the Beatles, and the Pixies ("Where is My Mind" to really drive the point home). Some of the songs are quite good such as a cover of "White Rabbit" by Emiliana Torrini (another Icelandic artist), but an obnoxious gangsta rap mash-up of Queen's "We Will Rock You," succinctly signifies exactly what went wrong with this jam session of half-baked concepts.

Simply because the film features women wielding weapons larger than their petite frames, it is somehow meant as a rallying cry for girl power. On the contrary, Sucker Punch is merely an indulgent adolescent fanboy wet dream masquerading as female empowerment. It doesn't help that the leads have even less defined personalities than the Spice Girls. The outfits are certainly fetishized with Baby Doll and company going from bustiers, silk stockings, and high heels to bustiers, silk stockings, high heels, and machine guns. There's nothing wrong with that and it isn't dissimilar to the sweaty bare-chested Spartans of 300. No, the main problem is that nearly all the butt kicking the heroines supposedly do only occurs in a second level fantasy, a solitary refuge from a fatalistic world where abuse and sexual assault are constant threats. Even in this dreamland it is the Wise Man who offers the girls sage advice and points them in the direction towards the path to liberation. It's a surprise Snyder didn't go the more obvious route and place Carla Gugino's character into the role of the mentor. Alas, the strong matriarch is reduced to either an ineffectual authority figure or a weeping mess brought to her knees by male brutality.

Has Warner Brothers' golden boy, Zack Snyder, lost some of his luster? It bares bad omens for his upcoming Superman reboot. With a production budget of over $80 million (not factoring in marketing costs), it had to be a more than a disappointment that Sucker Punch (even with overpriced IMAX screenings) was sucker punched by the family friendly, Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2. The negative critical response probably helped in spreading bad word of mouth about the film. It will likely be a long time before Snyder is given free reign as he clearly bit off more than he could chew. Sucker Punch tries to be far too many things as if Snyder polled Comic-Con attendees about their favorite things and smashed them all together. It's Moulin Rouge meets Inception. It's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with the Pussycat Dolls. It's Girls with Guns, Interrupted. It's just a terrible mess, a thinly veiled video game haphazardly brought to movie screens.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Season of the Witch

Season of the Witch - Dir. Dominic Sena (2011)

Season of the Witch has little to do with the song by British folk singer Donovan nor does it bare any connection to George Romero's Season of the Witch or the threequel, Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Alas, it is another entry in the recent rash of period actioners that has given us Roman legionnaires (Centurion, The Eagle), Vikings (Outlander, Valhalla Rising), and medieval knights. Much like Christopher Smith's Black Death, Season of the Witch revolves around heavy handed religious themes and the Bubonic Plague of the 14th Century.

Nicolas Cage, sporting the same hairdo from The Sorcerer's Apprentice, stars as Behman, a knight in service of the Church alongside his wise-cracking sidekick, Felson (Ron Perlman). Together they rack up an impressive body count during the Crusades, but desert ranks when they are ordered to slaughter women and children. The armor-clad BFFs make their way back to England only to find their homeland stricken by disease. Unfortunately, Eric Idle never shows up shouting, "Bring out your dead."

Behman and Felson are called upon by an ailing Cardinal (Christopher Lee), who believes the disease is the work of a young witch (Claire Foy) they have captured. The witch is to be taken to an abbey where the monks hope to reverse the spell she has cast. Behman sees only a frightened girl and agrees to act as escort in order to ensure she is given a fair trial. Our intrepid heroes shore up their ranks with a collection of D-listers from the most unimaginative Dungeons & Dragons session ever. They're joined by another warrior in Eckhart (Ulrich Thomsen), Debelzaq the fanatical priest (Stephen Campbell Moore), Hagamar the swindler (Stephen Graham), and Kay (Robert Sheehan, looking like a Dark Age version of Jay Baruchel), an altar boy with dreams of knighthood.

The last time Cage teamed up with director Dominic Sena was in the god-awful remake of Gone in 60 Seconds so expectations are undoubtedly lowered here. The movie is a complete mess with bland action sequences highlighted by piss-poor special effects. A finale featuring the protagonists battling zombie ninja monks isn't nearly as cool as it sounds. No one can make up their mind about the dialogue as actors speak in either faux-medieval speak or corny, contemporary idioms ("We're gonna need more holy water."). Cage drones on with his trademark inflections as if he had narcolepsy and doesn't even bother with a British accent. Neither does Perlman who is easily the best thing in an otherwise dreadful picture. For some reason the English-born Stephen Graham doesn't speak with his natural voice, instead utilizing some indiscernible East Coast accent as if he were still playing Baby Face Nelson in Public Enemies or Al Capone on Boardwalk Empire.

The screenplay by Bragi F. Schut has bounced around Hollywood since 2000, went into production in 2009 and was originally slated for release in 2010 before being dumped into the theatrical graveyard of January 2011. If only studio execs had the same ardent devotion to superior projects that still lay dormant. For his part, Cage wanted to make a film reminiscent of both the old Hammer horror pictures and Roger Corman drive-in productions. Season of the Witch is nowhere near as creepy or fun. Ludicrously enough, Sena took inspiration from Bergman's The Seventh Seal. Cage playing chess with Death might have made a better movie. A completely unhinged Cage playing board games with the William Sadler Death from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey would have been awesome.

Rating: * (*****)

The Last Airbender

The Last Airbender - Dir. M. Night Shyamalan (2010)


I have defended M. Night Shyamalan in the past. The filmmaker put himself on the map with the slightly overrated The Sixth Sense, a supernatural thriller known more for its twist ending. Shyamalan followed that up with the underrated Unbreakable, an excellent take on the superhero in a real world setting. I liked Signs well enough, despite its silly contrivances. Then, along comes the pedantic The Village, the masturbatory ego trip Lady in the Water, and the downright idiotic The Happening. Though his writing left much to be desired, Shyamalan’s direction was more than competent in terms of composing dynamic shots and sequences. After watching The Last Airbender, I officially take back every nice thing I’ve ever said. Shyamalan is a hack.

The Last Airbender is based on the hit Nickelodeon animated series which ran for three seasons. Created by Michael DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, the cartoon was heavily influenced by martial arts films and anime. Shyamalan decided on directing a live-action version because his kids were huge fans. Daddy owes them an apology.

The Last Airbender is set in a fantasy world where mankind is divided by elemental tribes. They are the Air Nomads, the Water Tribes, the Fire Nation, and the Earth Kingdom. In each tribe, there are individuals who have the abilities to control their native elements. In every generation, there is an Avatar, a powerful individual who is able to control all four elements. The latest Avatar is Aang (Noah Ringer), a young boy who runs away from his temple after learning of the heavy burden he must carry. He and his flying buffalo, Appa, are caught in a storm and frozen in ice for a hundred years. Aang is eventually found by Katara (Nicola Peltz) and her brother Sokka (Jackson Rathbone), members of a Water Tribe.

In the years since his disappearance, the Fire Nation has declared war on the other tribes and wiped out all the Air Nomads save for Aang. Our heroes must travel north where Aang can study under the tutelage of powerful waterbenders. Many in the Fire Nation wish to capture him. One is Prince Zuko (Dev Patel), the exiled son of the Fire Lord Ozai (Cliff Curtis) who must capture the Avatar to return home. If this point isn’t clear, Zuko makes sure to repeat it in every single one of his scenes. Nipping at Zuko’s heels is Commander Zhao, played by former Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi who must be the least intimidating villain in a long while.

The main problem behind this adaptation is that it is based on the entire first season of the animated series, meaning they’ve crammed 20 episodes into an hour and forty three minute movie. There is just far too much going on. The film is reminiscent of the worst aspects of The Phantom Menace. Scenes occur in the most random manner without adherence to any sort of logical story progression. Character development is tossed to the wayside. The dialogue is delivered in the most wooden manner ever. Not that it matters, the majority of it is simply exposition. There is endless exposition as characters explain everything to each other and the audience. It is a neverending abyss in which there is no escape.

Shyamalan is clearly in over his head directing a big-budget blockbuster. If he ever knew how anything about mise-en-scène, he’s forgotten. He must have attended the George Lucas School of Directing. Shyamalan seems completely incapable of staging even the most rudimentary action sequence. The animated series featured a light tone with plenty of humor and a rich world inspired by the creations of Hayao Miyazaki. Think Princess Mononoke. The world of the Shyamalan’s movie has almost none of the humor or the vividness of the show. He’s created a drab and dark world. He can’t seem to coax any sort of decent performance from his actors. As the lead, Noah Ringer may be able to pull off the martial arts maneuvers, but he can’t convey any sort of emotion. He’s like a deer in the headlights with his bugged out eyes.

I’m not even going to mention the controversial whitewashing of the main characters for which the film has earned the derisive nickname, The Last Racebender. A lot of Asian actors are probably sighing in relief at not being cast in this abomination. Rumor has it Paramount has sunk nearly $300 million into the picture (including marketing), but Shyamalan’s turgid and unimaginative work assures this will truly be the last airbender.

Rating: DUD

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - Dir. Mike Newell (2010)


A cinematic rule of thumb: video game movies suck. You know you’re in trouble when Mortal Kombat is essentially the Citizen Kane of video game adaptations. It is with great trepidation that I approached the Prince of Persia, based off the video game series created by Jordan Mechner. It is also one of two Jerry Bruckheimer produced spectacles this summer along with The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Prince of Persia is set in a fantasy version of Persia where no one is actually Persian and everyone speaks with a British accent.

The film opens with an Aladdin-esque prologue featuring a young boy named Dastan defending another child in the open marketplace. Impressed by his courage, King Sharaman (Ronald Pickup) adopts him. The now adult Prince Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) is leads an army to attack the city of Alamut. The King’s brother, Nizam (Ben Kingsley), has evidence that Alamut is building weapons for Persia’s enemies. However, Nizam is secretly after a mystical dagger which can turn back time for just a few seconds. Beneath the city lies an hourglass full of the Sands of Time, plunging the dagger into it will allow Nizam to rewrite history as he sees fit. Framed for the murder of his father, Dastan and the beautiful Princess Tamina (Gemma Arterton) must uncover Nizam’s plot while being hunted by his own brothers and a cadre of assassins.

As you’d expect from a Bruckheimer production, Prince of Persia is packed with overblown action sequences and expensive special effects. The climax feels like a genuine sandstorm that threatens to blind your eyes and engulf your body in a torrent of CGI. The movie is surprisingly light on Parkour stunts considering acrobatics were a big part of the games. Most of the acting is bland with the leads engaging in forced dialogue that passes for witty banter. Only Alfred Molina gives a sly and amusing performance as the earliest member of the Tea Party. He’s a promoter of ostrich races who bemoans the plight of the small businessman and adamantly refuses to pay taxes.

Prince of Persia is lightweight and forgettable popcorn entertainment. It fails to be a 21st century version of Indiana Jones, coming off more as a knockoff of Stephen Sommers’ Mummy pictures. As a video game movie, it’s still better than Super Mario Bros. and, at least, it wasn’t directed by Uwe Boll.

Rating: **

Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland - Dir. Tim Burton (2010)


”Remember what the dormouse said; ‘Keep your head…keep your head.’”

Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland has been sanitized over the years. Aside from Jan Svankmejer’s Alice, most versions lack the darker and tripper elements of the source material. Ironically, Disney (known for sanitizing many works of literature) decided to return to Carroll’s novels and wisely tapped Tim Burton to steer the ship. Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is part-remake, part-sequel with a script by Disney veteran Linda Woolverton (Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King) that combines elements from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and the sequel, Through the Looking Glass.

Years have passed since a young Alice fell down the rabbit hole. Alice (Mia Wasikowska) is now 20, practically a spinster according to her sister. About to be married off to a ridiculous looking ginger named Hamish (Leo Bill), Alice follows the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen) once more and winds up back in Wonderland. However, this is the first time to her. Her original adventures have been reduced to the vaguest memories and a recurring nightmare. Alice is reunited with many of her old friends such as the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), the Cheshire Cat (Stephen Fry), the Caterpillar (Alan Rickman), and the twins Tweedledee and Tweedledum (Matt Lucas).

Wonderland (referred to by its inhabitants as Underland) has fallen under the tyrannical rule of the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter). She’s a petite woman with an enlarged head and fetishes for using animals as furniture and decapitations. The encephalitically enchanced Red Queen rules with fear due to her command of the monstrous Jabberwocky (Christopher Lee). Alice must find the mythical Vorpal Sword in order to slay the Jabberwocky and return the kingdom to its rightful monarch, the White Queen (Anne Hathaway).

As you’d expect, Burton has created a visually stunning film using a mixture of live-action, CGI, and motion capture. Burton’s vision of Wonderland is a gorgeous feast for the eyes. The film was shot in 2D then converted to 3D in post. The 3D effects are certainly stronger than those in Clash of the Titans, but the world doesn’t open up the way it does in Coraline. What’s missing from the film is heart. Without any sort of emotional pathos, Alice in Wonderland becomes an empty exercise in excess.

Burton has turned Carroll’s mythos into a superficial tale of girl power. As a result, Alice dips into the familiar conventions of fantasy epics like Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia. There’s a prophecy that must be fulfilled and Alice dons a suit of armor and clashes swords with the Red Queen’s army on a chess-themed battlefield. All of which feels out of place.

The performances are somewhat uneven. As Alice, Mia Wasikowska gives a strong showing even while her more fantastical cast mates attempt to steal every scene. In his seventh film with Burton, Depp creates yet another in a long line of eccentric characters. His Mad Hatter is a schizo speaking with a dandy lisp one moment and a deep Braveheart-style Scottish accent in another. Britsh comedian Stephen Fry gets some of the film’s best moments as the voice of an erudite Chesire Cat. Burton’s paramour Helena Bonham Carter makes for an excellent villain playing the Red Queen as an ill-tempered brat. This is in stark contrast to Anne Hathaway as the flighty White Queen. Gleaming in pure white, she’s an ultra-heightened rendition of the Disney Princess archetype.

An A-list cast and dazzling effects make Alice in Wonderland a worthwhile effort undone by a third act lacking in gravitas.

Rating: ** ½