Twilight is officially now a verb and I don't mean, "I ate some bad Mexican food and had to take a major Twilight." Hollywood execs sit around the boardroom looking at tried and true stories, then ask themselves how can we Twilight it? That means taking a classic like Beauty and the Beast and turning it into a love story about mopey teenagers (Beastly). Red Riding Hood may be the best (worst?) example of turning a well-known story and giving it the Twilight treatment. Warner Brothers even hired director Catherine Hardwicke, who works off a script by David Johnson (Orphan and the upcoming Clash of the Titans sequel).
Amanda Seyfried is Valerie, who lives in the village of Daggerhorn, nestled deep in the forests of some nebulous European countryside. Valerie is arranged by her mother, Suzette (Virginia Madsen), to be married to Henry (Max Irons), the clean cut son of a wealthy blacksmith. However, she is in love with the mussy haired Peter (Shiloh Fernandez), a humble woodcutter. Evidently, in ye olden days blacksmiths made more money than lumberjacks. The villagers make regular sacrifices to appease the werewolf who stalks the night during a full moon. The fragile peace is broken when the wolf murders Valerie's older sister. The townsfolk go on the hunt, but are sadly lacking in pitchforks and torches. As the werewolf claims more victims, the desperate people call upon noted werewolf hunter, Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), a religious fanatic with silver fingernails.
Though she's mostly known for directing the first Twilight film, Hardwicke made her debut with Thirteen, a critically praised coming-of-age tale about a teenage girl played by a young Evan Rachel Wood. Red Riding Hood is like some absurdist combination of the two. The set design is one of the main problems. Daggerhorn is a place that could only exist on a soundstage, but isn't stylish enough for you to buy into it.
The themes of Red Riding Hood are about as subtle as the spine-chilling howl of a wolf at the moon. Valerie is clad in the flowing crimson robe that has become a trademark of the titular character. Not exactly the wisest choice if one wants to remain inconspicuous, but it represents the character's sexual awakening. When the heroine pops her cherry, she does so by literally rolling in the hay with the brooding bad boy. Hardwicke shoots the love scene like a 1980's perfume commercial caught in a dream-like haze. There's also an odd pagan luau (set to Fever Ray) that just might rival the orgy rave from The Matrix Revolutions in terms of perplexing debauchery. Aside from the soap opera love triangle, Hardwicke hammers home themes of religious and government oppression through the character of Father Solomon. He fosters suspicion and distrust amongst the villagers and tortures innocent people. Didn't we already get a better version of this in The Crucible? And do we really need allusions to Guantanamo and the Patriot Act in a teen romance picture?
Hardwicke has cast some decent young actors to play the leads, but their performances are bland due to thinly drawn characterizations and leaden dialogue. The rest of the ensemble is filled by recognizable talents, who aren't exactly utilized to their fullest potential. Virginia Madsen and the great Julie Christie (as the Grandmother) are wasted while sci-fi fans will wonder what the heck are Battlestar Galactica's Michael Hogan and Stargate SG-1's Michael Shanks doing in this. Without a doubt, Gary Oldman is the best thing in the movie. He's menacing, but restrained. This is the sort of role begging for maniacal lunacy ala The Professional.
It's cheesy as cheesy gets, but Red Riding Hood can't even be appreciated as a campy cult film. This Big Bad Wolf has given us a big bad movie.
Rating: * (*****)
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