The Thing

The Thing - Dir. Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. (2011)

Until recently, John Carpenter had been persona non grata since the abysmal Ghosts of Mars, a sci-fi version of his earlier action flick, Assault on Precinct 13. For a while, he seemed content with collecting royalty checks as Hollywood studios churned out big-budget remakes of his beloved cult classics. Assault was remade along with The Fog and Halloween. A remake of Escape from New York has long been in development and there have been rumblings of a new version of They Live. Now, Universal Studios brings us The Thing, which will make Carpenter fans pray nobody decides to remake Big Trouble in Little China.

The 2011 Thing isn't a straight remake. In fact, the filmmakers even stated that remaking Carpenter's film would be akin to drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa. Makes you wonder why they did it anyway. No, this is more of a prequel and a loose remake using its predecessor as a template. Carpenter's movie was a more faithful adaptation of John W. Campbell's 1938 novella, Who Goes There?, which was originally turned into a film by Howard Hawks. That 1951 version, The Thing From Another World, had more in common with Invasion of the Body Snatchers than it did the source material.

Carpenter's 1982 movie begins at an American research base in Antarctica as its inhabitants witness the strange sight of a pair of Norwegians trying to shoot a sled dog. Unbeknownst to anyone there, the dog is actually an alien creature that can take the form of any person or animal it kills. The prequel delves into the tragic events that befell the scientists at the other base and how the alien was set loose.

At the nearby Thule base, the Norwegian researchers have discovered a massive alien spacecraft hidden underneath the snow for centuries. They've also discovered a dormant biological being frozen in the ice. Head scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) is extremely excited about the notoriety that will surely follow. Halvorson and his assistant, Adam Finch (Eric Christian Olsen), recruit paleontologist Dr. Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) to assist in the excavation of the alien. Of course, the thing breaks loose and picks the humans off one by one with the survivors never sure of who is really who.

The rest of the cast includes: Joel Edgerton and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as gruff American pilots and an assortment of Norwegian actors that aren't likely known outside their home country.

The 2011 version was directed by newcomer Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. and written by Eric Heisserer, who also penned Final Destination 5 and the remake of The Nightmare on Elm Street. Whereas the Carpenter and Hawks films were allegories of Cold War paranoia, neither van Heijningen nor Heisserer are particularly interested in subtext or parables. Their Thing is a straightforward and pedestrian horror movie. While Carpenter's Thing relied on the gruesome practical effects by Rob Bottin, the prequel gleefully trots out a heavy amount of CGI. The old axion of "Less is more," applies here as the more we see of these computer effects, the less convincing they are.

The prequel also breaks up the sausage fest that was the Carpenter version by introducing female characters. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is cast as a tough female protagonist modeled after Ellen Ripley. There is something cool and arousing about seeing Winstead forcefully wielding a flamethrower to battle the beast. Sadly, she doesn't get much to work with and doesn't display half the charm she did as Ramona Flowers in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. None of the other characters are fleshed out either and are simply there to increase the body count. It also hurts that they don't have someone with a strong screen presence like Kurt Russell and Keith David in the original. They also don't have Wilford Brimley, another huge strike against it.

The Thing pales in comparison to the John Carpenter cult classic. It's proof that just because you have more money and better toys, doesn't mean you'll make a better picture. Despite its mediocrity, The Thing might serve as a decent appetizer for a double feature with the Carpenter version as the main course.

Rating: ** (*****)

Underworld: Awakening

Underworld Awakening – Dirs. Bjorn Stein & Mans Marlind (2012)

How do you like your vampires? Do you prefer them to be bloodsucking creatures of the night? Or pale and sparkly pretty boys? If you like them to be hot chicks in skintight vinyl, then Underworld: Awakening might satisfy your vampiric appetite.

Kate Beckinsale returns to the role of Selene, a vampire over 600 years old. Known as a Death Dealer, she was one of the best warriors in the vampires' conflict with the werewolves also known as Lycans. During the first two films, Selene fell in love with Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman, who declined to reprise the role), a human who was transformed into the first ever vampire/Lycan hybrid.

Awakening is set not long after the second film with the humans becoming aware of the existence of vampires and Lycans. Attempting to flee the city, Michael is seemingly killed and Selene is captured. She is placed in cryogenic stasis by a pharmaceutical company called Antigen. She is awakened twelve years later by another test subject named Eve (India Eisley), who is actually her daughter grown in a laboratory. In this new world, the Lycans have been hunted almost to extinction and the remaining vampire covens are in hiding.

Other characters include: Stephen Rea as Antigen's CEO Dr. Jacob Lane,; Charles Dance as the leader of one of the last vampire clans; Theo James as his whip wielding son; and Michael Ealy as a sympathetic police detective.

It's not much of a compliment, but Underworld: Awakening is the superior film in the series. The first two films were dull and bogged down by a convoluted mythology. The third film, Rise of the Lycans, was a glorified direct-to-video picture that delved even further into the boring backstory. Awakening is a lean, mean action machine directed by the Swedish team of Mars Marlind and Bjorn Stein. There's not a lot of plot, but plenty of sequences with Beckinsale slipping on a trenchcoat in slow motion and leaping off tall buildings before landing in an overly dramatic way. Yes, she looks pretty damn sexy when she's unloading a pair of Berettas.

Despite being rather thin, the screenplay is credited to a quartet of writers that includes Len Wiseman (who directed Underworld & Underworld: Evolution, Jon Hlavin, Allison Burnett, and J. Michael Straczynski. Awakening was probably a quick and easy payday for everyone involved. The story owes a lot to the Resident Evil franchise with the female protagonist, semi-futuristic dystopian setting, and a shady conglomerate as the villain. The dialogue is terrible and you're just counting the seconds before shit starts blowing up again.

Don't expect anything new from the Lycans. They are the same as ever, snarling creatures rendered by iffy CGI. The best anyone could come up with is a giant Jurassic Park-sized werewolf that can swat Selene away with ease.

By the way, I saw the movie in plain old 2D. Considering the film's look hinges on a dark and icy blue palette, I doubt it would be very watchable in 3D.

Much like, Contraband, another recent Kate Beckinsale picture, Underworld: Awakening is a prime example of the detritus generally released without much fanfare at the beginning of the year. Fans of the other installments will get their money's worth. I just find it sad that people would rather see this than Haywire.

Rating: ** (*****)

Contraband

Contraband - Dir. Baltasar Kormákur (2012)

Stupid 9/11 comments aside, I like Mark Wahlberg. As evidenced by this turns in The Happening and The Lovely Bones, he's not a nuanced thespian capable of heavy drama. But, he is an underrated comedic performer and a convincing big screen tough guy. Much like Vin Diesel or Jason Statham, Walhberg could be a more prolific action star if he found better roles. Instead, he's content for run-of-the-mill pictures like Shooter, Max Payne, and now Contraband.

Contraband is a loose remake of a 2008 Icelandic crime thriller called Reykjavik-Rotterdam whose star, Baltasar Kormákur is the director of the Hollywood version. Wahlberg plays Chris Farraday, a former smuggler who has gone legit and works as an installer of home security systems in New Orleans. Kate Beckinsale is his wife, also named Kate, and they have two sons together.

Kate's dumbass kid brother, Andy (Caleb Landry Jones), is still involved in the smuggling business. Now, he owes $700,000 to a violent gangster named Tim Briggs (Giovanni Ribisi) after tossing a shipment of cocaine into the water during a surprise customs search. Chris is forced to intervene when Briggs not only threatens Andy, but his whole family. Chris assembles a small crew on board a cargo ship in order to smuggle $15 million in counterfeit bills from Panama to pay off the debt.

Contraband is formulaic through and through. This is your basic "one last job" movie where the protagonist must pull off a big heist for a massive payday. Murphy's Law always seems to rear its ugly head and no plan ever comes off without a hitch. In Wahlberg's case, he has to deal with a crooked captain (J.K. Simmons) and a psycho crime lord (Diego Luna) who ropes him into an armored car robbery.

There's not much here to differentiate Contraband from the numerous pictures just like it. I do like that the hero is a smuggler rather than an overused profession like a bank robber or hitman. The bulk of the film is set on the cargo ship, which is another unique setting. Yet, Contraband doesn't delve deeper into either element. It's not interested in the intricacies of the smuggling trade, just generic shaky cam action sequences.

J.K Simmons is pretty much the best thing in the movie, bringing much welcomed humor to the role of the uptight captain. Giovanni Ribisi goes way over the top as a tatted up scumbag with a nasally voice. Ben Foster co-stars as Chris's best friend, Sebastian, who has also gone legit and is a recovering alcoholic. Foster is intense as usual, but with an understated quietness. There is a twist to his character that anyone can see coming a mile away. Finally, there's poor Kate Beckinsale. If you want to see her kicking ass, watch Underworld: Awakening. If you want to see Beckinsale in the thankless role of damsel in distress, see Contraband.

Contraband isn't a terrible movie, but it is indicative of the generic flotsam dumped by the studios during the uneventful early part of the year.

Rating: ** (*****)

Rampart

Rampart - Dir. Oren Moverman (2011)

"I am not a racist. The fact is, I hate everyone equally."

Screenwriter Oren Moverman made a strong directorial debut with 2009's The Messenger, a heavy drama with Woody Harrelson and Ben Foster as army officers charged with notifying families that their loved ones were killed in action. In my opinion, it was one of the best films of the year and netted Moverman an Oscar nomination for Best Original Screenplay and Harrelson one for Best Supporting Actor. Moverman and Harrelson have teamed again for Rampart, a gritty drama set during the Rampart scandal of the late-90's.

The LAPD became notorious nationwide for the infamous beating of Rodney King. They again rose to public consciousness following the uncovering of widespread corruption in the anti-gang unit of the Rampart Division. Charges included bribery, falsifying evidence, armed robbery, and drug dealing.

Amidst the chaos, we meet Officer Dave Brown (Harrelson), a former Vietnam vet, who sees the streets of L.A. as his new battleground. Rampart opens in a seemingly conventional manner with Brown berating a female trainee (played by Julian Schnabel's daughter, Stella) for refusing to eat french fries because she is on a diet. But, this is not a retread of Training Day. The rookie isn't seen again and the rest of the film becomes a trip into an urban Dante's Inferno with its protagonist descending deeper and deeper into the pit.

Dave Brown is definitely the bad cop. He has earned the nickname, "Date Rape Dave," because he allegedly murdered a business partner suspected of multiple rape. A former law student, he can cite obscure legal precedent off the top of his head. He failed the BAR exam, but it's obvious it wasn't due to a lack of intelligence. It seems Brown was more interested in cracking heads.

He's also the patriarch of an unconventional little family. Brown has two ex-wives (Anne Heche & Cynthia Nixon), who happen to be sisters and live next door to each other. He has a daughter with each of them and, with the exception of the youngest girl, they all hate his guts. When Brown fails to get in bed with one sister, he moves on to the next one.

Brown ignites another scandal after a hit-and-run collision that sees him chase the suspect and mercilessly beat him with his flashlight. The incident is captured on video and played endlessly on the news. Already under scrutiny, Brown is hammered by investigators from Internal Affairs and the D.A's office. Needing cash to support his family and his legal defense, Brown robs a high stakes poker game and kills an unarmed man, forcing him to cover up yet another crime.

The cast also includes: Steve Buscemi as the District Attorney, Ben Foster as a homeless vet, Brie Larson as Brown's angry teenage daughter, Ned Beatty as a retired cop and confidant, and Sigourney Weaver and Ice Cube as investigators against Brown.

Woody Harrelson really carries the film. Rampart is seen entirely from Dave Brown's perspective and Harrelson appears in every scene. Harrelson isn't afraid to make Brown a nasty and sometimes pathetic individual. Yet, he's charismatic and articulate so it's easy to see why he's able to bed a number of women night in and night out. It's too bad this great character wasn't given a more compelling story.

There's strong storytelling in the first half of Rampart, but the second half of the movie unravels. The narrative drifts into a series of plot threads that never seem fully formed. One subplot that doesn't go anywhere involves an on/off romance between Brown and a defense attorney played by Robin Wright. There's nothing of note here unless you want to hear Wright state that she likes to "suck cock."

Moverman is struck with the sophomore slump that has befallen many independent filmmakers before him. Despite a magnetic performance by Harrelson, Rampart deals with issues, such as police corruption and their effects on the soul and family, that have been seen numerous times in film and television. The script feels like an entire season of The Shield condensed into an hour and forty minutes.

Rating: ** (*****)

The Sitter

The Sitter - Dir. David Gordon Green (2011)

What happened to David Gordon Green? His career as a director got off to a strong start with George Washington and All the Real Girls. He continued his streak of small town dramas with Undertow and Snow Angels, before making a leap into the mainstream with the stoner action-comedy Pineapple Express. Green not only showed talent for riveting indie flicks, but also a flair for zany and raunchy comedy. At least, he did with Pineapple Express. Unfortunately, the well seems to have run dry as evidenced by Green's latest R-rated comedies. Your Highness was a critical and commercial flop that just barely made half of its meager $50 million budget. Green closed the year on another sour note with The Sitter, which will likely only be remembered as the last appearance of the overweight Jonah Hill.

Hill plays Noah Griffin, a college student on suspension. He's content to lay on the couch at his mom's house with no intentions of getting a job or any serious plans for the future. He decides to actually do something nice for his mom (Jessica Hecht) and babysit a trio of kids so she can enjoy a night out. Noah is put in charge of Slater (Max Records), a nervous bundle of neuroses; Blithe (Landry Bender), a wannabe celebutante wearing heavy make-up and a tutu; and their adopted sibling from El Salvador, Rodrigo (Kevin Hernandez), who enjoys blowing things up with fireworks.

Noah has a pseudo-girlfriend in Marisa (Ari Graynor), who asks him to bring her some cocaine for a party in exchange for sex. Thinking with his cock, Noah sets out into the seedier boroughs of New York City with the children in tow. Noah buys the coke from Marisa's dealer, Karl (Sam Rockwell), a bipolar eccentric who employs scantily clad bodybuilders in his drug lab. Karl also transports his narcotics inside dinosaur eggs, one of which is stolen by Rodrigo. Trying to get laid is the least of Noah's problems now that he has gangsters out to kill him.

Much like Pineapple Express, The Sitter features a mixture of raunchy, lowbrow humor along with mild action and chase sequences. Gordon doesn't handle the latter well as he fails to imbue these scenes with the same energy he did with Pineapple Express. Not all the blame falls on the director's shoulders. The majority of the film's faults lie with the script by Brian Gatewood and Alessandro Tanaka, who are also penning the upcoming remake of Baywatch, which will surely top year-end worst lists should it ever be released.

Gatewood and Tanaka practically plagiarize a bunch of 80's comedies with the spine of the story lifted from Adventures in Babysitting, plus a dash of Uncle Buck with Hill filling the role of a modern day John Candy. There's even a William Zabka-type in Marisa's ex-boyfriend, a blonde kickboxer with the oh-so-80's name of Ricky Fontaine (Jack Krizmanich). The rest of the movie's humor relies solely on broad stereotypes, like jive talking African-Americans who don't like white people and a flaming gay guy on roller skates.

The Sitter is a poorly conceived pastiche of derivative ideas and unfunny gags. Hill is called upon to simply reprise his Superbad persona and after his understated performance in Moneyball, it's disappointing.

Rating: * (*****)

Dirty Girl

Dirty Girl - Dir. Abe Sylvia (2011)

Dirty Girl had the buzz needed to become the next indie darling. The screenplay by first time filmmaker Abe Sylvia made the Black List, a 'best of' list for unproduced screenplays, in 2007. When Dirty Girl premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2010, the Weinstein Company reportedly rushed to acquire it for $3 million. Not a surprise considering the story is a coming-of-age tale and an adventurous road trip, two staples of indie cinema, and features a sassy, strong-willed female protagonist. However, Dirty Girl didn't get much of a push in the end. It was only released in a handful of theaters in October for about five weeks and now hits shelves on DVD only.

Set in 1987, the movie follows Juno Temple as the titular 'dirty girl,' Danielle, a high schooler brazen in her defiance and sexuality. Both attributes are frowned upon in the relatively conservative town of Norman, Oklahoma. After mouthing off to a teacher, Danielle is sent to the remedial class where she meets with Clarke (Jeremy Dozier), a shy, overweight and bullied boy struggling with his homosexuality. The two are paired together for a parental assignment requiring them to care for a sack of flour as if it were a real baby.

Incidentally, are kids really given these projects where they have to care for eggs or dolls? Is this purely a sitcom invention or is it a legit scholastic requirement?

Anyways, despite Danielle's misanthropy, the two teens bond over the fact that they both come from dysfunctional homes. Danielle doesn't fall far from the tree. Her mother, Sue-Ann (Milla Jovovich), is a knockout, heavily caked in make-up with a Farrah Fawcett-style feathered hairdo. She's the type who would rather be a big sister than a mom. Against her daughter's vehement objections, Sue-Ann is set to marry a straight-laced Mormon (William H. Macy) looking to save their souls from damnation. Clarke lives in fear of his homophobic and abusive father (Dwight Yoakam), who forces him to attend awkward therapy sessions and threatens to ship Clarke off to a military academy. Clarke's mom, Peggy, (Mary Steenburgen) is too meek and fearful to do anything about it.

Clarke ends up stealing dad's Cadillac for a road trip to California when Danielle discovers a picture of her father in an old yearbook.

Dirty Girl isn't an autobiographical film though Sylvia did grow up in Oklahoma as an awkward and closeted teen. He didn't have the problems Clarke did as his parents were hippies from California. Still, it doesn't seem like Sylvia particularly enjoyed his time in the Sooner State as Dirty Girl alternately acts as a parody and middle finger to Middle America and conservative values. Dirty Girl may be set in the 80's, but it looks like the 70's, a sly dig at how behind the times everyone is. The school faculty and William H. Macy's Mormon are portrayed as uptight and buffoonish.

The film's soundtrack is decidedly 80's as it features familiar tunes like Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy" and Pat Benatar's "Shadows of the Night." There's even a striptease with Clarke strutting about the stage in an oversized sweatshirt ala Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. Melissa Manchester acts as the picture's muse with nine of her songs sprinkled throughout the narrative, including an original tune, "Rainbird," which she co-wrote with Mary Steenburgen).

Juno Temple, daughter of director Julien Temple, plays the role of Danielle with gusto. Listening to her Southern twang, you'd never guess she's a Brit. Temple portrays Danielle as a firebrand unrepentant about her promiscuity. She's not the most likable character due to the way she profanely berates Clarke and Sue-Ann. Newcomer Jeremy Dozier turns in a good performance in which he never crosses the line into a gay stereotype. Mary Steenburgen is also wonderful as Clarke's quiet and caring mother. The best performance in Dirty Girl surprisingly belongs to country singer Tim McGraw as Danielle's father, who underplays it during a heartbreaking sequence with Temple.

Not all of Dirty Girl works as well as the powerful first meeting between Danielle and her dad. Sylvia struggles with giving his film a unique voice as the story plays out in a similar manner to so many other indie flicks. The tone wavers between ribald humor and the sentimentality of an afterschool special. The cleverest gag you'll find comes from the changing expressions drawn on the face of Danielle and Clarke's little bundle of joy as it reacts to the situation her "parents" find themselves.

Despite some strong points, Dirty Girl is too scattershot and derivative to recommend. Juno Temple and Jeremy Dozier are entertaining enough, but the story unfolds in a broad and sappy manner best described as Juno meets Little Miss Sunshine by way of Glee.

Rating: ** (*****)

Young Adult

Young Adult - Dir. Jason Reitman (2011)

Director Jason Reitman and screenwriter Diablo Cody shot to prominence when they first teamed up for the teen pregnancy comedy Juno. Though Reitman had already made his feature film debut with Thank You For Smoking, Juno was undoubtedly his biggest success. It was Cody's first produced screenplay for which she won the Academy Award. Reitman followed it up with the superior dramedy Up in the Air while Cody unfurled the critically reviled horror-comedy Jennifer's Body. Reitman and Cody put the band back together for Young Adult, a film that is the absolute antithesis of Juno.

Where Juno was a snappy and breezy comedy about a teen more mature than some of the adults around her. Young Adult is a darkly humorous tale of an adult trapped in a self-destructive, adolescent mindset.

Charlize Theron plays it to the hilt as Mavis Gary, a ghost writer for a teen lit series that serves as an obvious nod to Cody's next project, an adaptation of Sweet Valley High. She lives in a high rise apartment in Minneapolis where she spends much of her time chugging Diet Coke out of a 2-liter bottle, keeping up with the Kardashians on TV, and struggling to finish her latest book.

One day, she receives an email from the wife of her high school boyfriend announcing the arrival of their new baby. In her twisted mind, Mavis sees this as a challenge and returns to her small hometown of Mercury to rescue her ex from his marital prison. Said beau is Buddy Slade (Patrick Wilson), who certainly seems happy in the role of husband and father. Nevertheless, nothing will deter Mavis from her mission, not even the common sense advice of another former classmate, Matt Freehauf (a perfectly cast Patton Oswalt).

They meet in a bar and it takes a while for Mavis to jog her memory, despite the fact that Matt's locker was right next to hers. Nicknamed by Mavis as the "hate crime guy," Matt was the victim of a brutal beating by the jocks, who were under the mistaken belief that he was gay. The attack has left him with a permanent limp. Much like Mavis, he doesn't have much of a life. He lives with his sister, Sandra (Collette Wolfe), where he customizes action figures and brews homemade bourbon he calls the "Mos Eisley Special Reserve."

Young Adult shatters the unwritten rule of Hollywood that the protagonist must be sympathetic and likable. One character aptly describes her as a "psychotic prom queen bitch." She is the proverbial mean girl, who has returned to make life hell for everyone around her. Mavis is thoroughly self-centered and borderline delusional. She avoids her parents and isn't particularly nice to Matt, the one person who seems to tolerate being in her presence. The only other friend she has is her little Pomeranian, Dolce, and Mavis winds up ignoring him too.

The relationship between Mavis and Matt could hardly be categorized as a friendship. They more or less fall into a co-dependent symbiosis. Deep down inside Matt still fawns over Mavis and it's obvious he gets a kick over finally gaining the notice of the popular girl. For Mavis, she likes the attention and, perhaps, she sees in him someone just as broken as she is.

Though blonde and statuesque, Mavis is a white hot mess in a Hello Kitty t-shirt and proof positive that beauty is only skin deep. Theron doesn't need the extra weight or make-up to bring out the ugly in Mavis the way she did for Aileen Wuornos in Monster. She's almost a pitiable person and a gut wrenching revelation at the most awkward of times peels back the layers in her complex personality. It's at this point that Young Adult cleverly goes against conventions. Just when you think Mavis may change for the better, she has a one-on-one chat with Sandra that reinforces her narcissistic point of view. Hey, I am better than these people so fuck 'em.

Diablo Cody's dialogue isn't the hyper-stylized speech found in Juno. The writing is more subdued. The one line that is clearly Cody-esque comes when Mavis refers to a combination KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut as a "KenTacoHut."

The soundtrack to Young Adult accentuates Mavis's rose colored nostalgia by utilizing a veritable smorgasbord of alternative rock hits from the early-90's. There's the Lemonheads, Dinosaur Jr., 4 Non Blondes, and Veruca Salt. Listen closely and you'll hear subtle instrumental versions of Soundgarden and Pearl Jam by Juno composer Mateo Messina. The opening credits feature a series of extreme close-ups of the inner workings of a cassette and tape player as Mavis throws in an old mixtape of Buddy's for the road trip. She listens to Teenage Fanclub's "The Concept" incessantly as the lyrics, "I didn't mean to hurt you..." repeat over and over as the movie's unofficial theme.

Jason Reitman and Diablo Cody have boldly crafted a character study of a wholly unsympathetic person, who does not grow or learn over the course of the film. Young Adult shines as a black comedy that derives humor from cringe-inducing moments and the incredible performance from Charlize Theron.

Rating: *** (*****)

We Bought a Zoo

We Bought a Zoo - Dir. Cameron Crowe (2011)

The holidays are usually a great time for Hollywood to unleash schmaltzy, family friendly entertainment to the masses. This past Christmas was no different with the release of Steven Spielberg's War Horse and Cameron Crowe's We Bought a Zoo. Both directors had been incognito for several years, but have returned with a vengeance.

Crowe wrote and directed one of his most critically acclaimed films in Almost Famous, based on his experiences as a teenage journalist for Rolling Stone. However, Vanilla Sky, his remake of Alejandro Amenabar's Open Your Eyes, met with mixed reactions and his rom-com Elizabethtown was a critical and commercial flop. Crowe's recent output includes a documentary on Pearl Jam and one on Elton John and this drama based on Benjamin Mee's memoirs, We Bought a Zoo: The Amazing True Story of a Young Family, a Broken Down Zoo, and the 200 Wild Animals That Changed Their Lives. A columnist for the Guardian, Mee, purchased the troubled Dartmoor Wildlife Park in 2006, which he ran with his wife (who later passed away from a brain tumor), brother, two children, and mother.

For the first time, Crowe isn't the sole credited writer. He rewrote the screenplay originally penned by Aline Brosh McKenna, who also adapted The Devil Wears Prada and I Don't Know How She Does It. Crowe transplants the story from foggy England to sunny Southern California and casts Matt Damon in the role of Benjamin Mee, a writer who has just lost his wife to cancer. Benjamin is left alone to care for his young daughter, Rosie (Maggie Elizabeth Jones), and teenage son, Dylan (Colin Ford). Dylan deals with the death of his mother by drawing gruesome pictures in art class and is eventually expelled for stealing.

Looking for a change, Benjamin quits his job and purchases an 18-acre farmhouse outside the city that actually houses a ramshackle zoo. The zoo is maintained by a skeleton crew led by the spunky Kelly Foster (Scarlett Johansson) and is home to a variety of species including tigers, peacocks, a lion, and a depressed grizzly bear. Rosie predictably falls in love with the place while Benjamin sees it as a new adventure, but Dylan hates it there, despite a budding romance with Kelly's shy cousin Lily (Elle Fanning). Kelly isn't enthusiastic either, seeing the new owner's lack of knowledge and experience as a severe detriment. Benjamin has to mend his broken family and rally everyone together in order for the zoo to pass inspection. Can they pull it off or will the zoo be shut down forever?

If you have any doubts in your mind, then We Bought a Zoo must be the first movie you've ever seen. Crowe sticks to a well-worn formula with characters drawn in broad strokes. Rosie is precociously precocious and Dylan is the typical angry and brooding adolescent. The supporting characters are similarly thin with Angus Macfadyen as the angry Scotsman, John Michael Higgins as an unctuous zoo inspector, and Almost Famous lead Patrick Fugit as the guy with a monkey. Seriously, that's his character, he has a monkey.

Music has always played an important role in Crowe's films. Aside from a serene score by Sigur Rós frontman Jónsi, Crowe's soundtrack selections are way too obvious, just as obvious as a subplot involving a tiger with failing kidneys that's meant to echo Benjamin's spousal loss. Tom Petty's "Don't Come Around Here No More" comes on when Dylan gets kicked out of school while a rain soaked montage is set to "I Think It's Going to Rain Today" by Randy Newman. "Don't Be Shy" by Cat Stevens becomes the theme for the awkward and budding romance between Dylan and Lily, which comes close to replicating the iconic love stories of the 80's that Crowe became famous for.

We Bought a Zoo has some strong points. Matt Damon is infinitely likeable in the lead role, Elle Fanning gives another solid performance, and Thomas Haden Church injects some much needed wit as Benjamin's brother. You'll definitely get a warm and fuzzy feeling thanks to cinematographer Rodrigo Prieto (21 Grams, Brokeback Mountain), who gives the film a bright, sunny sheen. However, it doesn't feel like a Cameron Crowe movie. There are no "You had me at hello" or John Cusack holding up a boom box moments. In the end, We Bought a Zoo is an innocuous little picture that might have aired on the Disney Channel on a lazy weekend afternoon.

Rating: ** (*****)

War Horse

War Horse - Dir. Steven Spielberg (2011)

It's been three years since Steven Spielberg's last directorial effort in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He returned with a vengeance at the end of 2011 with his two latest pictures hitting theaters within days of each other. They couldn't be any more different. The first was The Adventures of Tintin, a kinetic boys' adventure utilizing the latest in motion capture animation and released in 3D. The other, War Horse, is an old-fashioned epic shot in 35mm that references numerous Hollywood classics.

War Horse is based on a 1982 children's novel by Michael Morpurge, which was adapted into an award-winning stage play in 2007. Spielberg attended a show and was inspired to turn it into a movie with help from screenwriters Richard Curtis (Bridget Jones' Diary, Love Actually) and Lee Hall (Billy Elliot). Each permutation chronicles the events of World War I as seen through the eyes of a courageous horse.

The film opens in Dover, England with Albert Narracott (Jeremy Irvine) enraptured by a newly born colt. Albert lives in a farmhouse with his mother Rose (Emily Watson) and father Ted (Peter Mullan), a Boer War veteran trying to wash away his traumatic memories with alcohol. Ted rashly purchases the colt for triple his worth mainly to spite his overbearing landlord (David Thewlis), who rightly points out that the horse is too small to plow fields. It was born for show, not work. However, a determined Albert bonds with the newly named Joey and gets him to plow their rocky land. When a rainstorm washes away their crops, Ted has no choice but to sell Joey to the British army in order to pay their overdue rent.

Joey is put into the care of Captain Nicholls (Tom Hiddleston) and marches into battle alongside Maj. Stewart (Benedict Cumberbatch) and his black stallion Topthorn. After a failed charge against a German regiment, the horses are put into the care of two underage boys, Gunther (David Kross from The Reader) and Michael (Leonard Carow) serving in that same unit. From there, Joey and Topthorn wind up in the possession of an ailing French farm girl (Celine Buckens) and her doting grandfather (Niels Arestrup). Meanwhile, Albert enlists in the military as soon as he comes of age hoping to be reunited with his beloved friend.

War Horse represents Steven Spielberg at his best and his worst. It is an extremely well-crafted film gorgeously shot by Janusz Kaminski. The visuals are impeccable with numerous striking shots that capture the horrors of war and the beauty of the era. War Horse begins in an idyllic countryside that Spielberg has accentuated and romanticized in the way John Ford did with the countries of Wales in How Green Was My Valley and Ireland in The Quiet Man. The film culminates with a beautiful shot of silhouetted figures against a blazing orange sunset ala Gone with the Wind. Another shot features a battlefield strewn with the corpses of soldiers and horses which also recalls that same picture.

Spielberg can't help but go for the jugular when it comes to the film's most emotional moments. No heartstring is safe as Spielberg puts children and animals in peril in an attempt to wring every tear from every eye in the audience. If you didn't know how to feel about a certain scene, John Williams' overwhelming and hammy score will make sure to tell you. One of the best sequences in War Horse is an episode where Joey runs over and through the British trenches and gets tangled up by barbed wire in no man's land. One soldier from both sides declares a temporary truce to cut him loose. It's a touching moment, but Spielberg can't end the scene without the German calling Joey a "remarkable horse." This is a point Spielberg feels needs to be hammered home every fifteen minutes.

The acting is solid with Spielberg putting together an excellent cast of English and European thespians. Jeremy Irvine doesn't make much of an impression as Albert and he tends to overplay it during the more emotional moments. Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch turn in solid performances as the stiff upper lip British officers. The best performance in the film belongs to Peter Mullen as Albert's defeated father. Mullen probably isn't familiar to most American audiences, but he's appeared in darker, powerhouse roles in The Red Riding Trilogy and Paddy Considine's directorial debut Tyrannosaur.

War Horse attempts to be a treatise on the brutality of war as well as an uplifting family friendly drama and Spielberg has a difficult time blending the two. The episodic nature means the tone changes from All Quiet on the Western Front to National Velvet without notice. Maybe I'm cynical, but Spielberg's saccharine sentimentality didn't play well with me.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

Catch .44

Catch .44 - Dir. Aaron Harvey (2011)

Catch .44 is proudly advertised as a film done in "the tradition of The Usual Suspects and Pulp Fiction." These were two of the most critically acclaimed films to come out of the mid-90's. The only thing Catch .44 has in common with them is that it feels like a movie that might have been released over fifteen years ago after Quentin Tarantino hit it big and a whole slew of wannabe filmmakers began aping his approach with stylish crime films about cool gangsters spewing hip dialogue.

Catch .44 begins with a trio of bad girls named Tes (Malin Akerman), Dawn (Deborah Ann Woll from True Blood), and Kara (Nikki Reed from the other vampire saga, Twilight) having a conversation in a diner in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana. The gals are waiting for their boss Mel (Bruce Willis), who wants them to stick up a drug shipment being run by a rival gangster. When he doesn't show up at the specified time, they draw guns and initiate a shootout. The story flashes back to how our heroines got to the diner as well as delving into the background of their leader Tes. Meanwhile, an odd hitman named Ronny (Forest Whitaker) has killed a local deputy, swiped his uniform, and is making his way to the diner.

As it turns out, Tes used to be a waitress at a sleazy strip club where she earned extra cash by swiping the wallets of the clientele. She gains the attentions of Mel, the club's owner, who puts her to work in some vague capacity. How she moves from pickpocket to gun-toting enforcer is never really explained. Instead, the narrative sprinkles in these flashbacks while showing more and more of the shootout, which culminates in an extended and poorly staged Mexican standoff.

The cast also included Brad Dourif as the town sheriff, Shea Wigham as the cook, and Smallville's Michael Rosenbaum as an obnoxious club patron.

Catch .44 doesn't get off to a strong start with Malin Akerman pontificating about faking it and women trying to live in "man land." The scene is a pretty blatant ripoff of the diner scenes from Reservoir Dogs and Death Proof. At least, Tarantino was clever enough to write dialogue about Madonna or some obscure 1970's television show. First-time writer/director Aaron Harvey cannot come up with anything more interesting than lines about leaving the toilet seat up. The QT imitation continues as Harvey introduces his main characters via freeze frame and bold yellow titles lifted right out of Kill Bill or Inglourious Basterds. Harvey also drowns his film with familiar pop songs by the Raveonettes and the Kills. And, yes, he uses "U.R.A. Fever," which seems to appear in every other movie these days. Harvey also chooses the not-so-subtle "Queen Bitch" by David Bowie for Tes's intro. In a bizarre bit of kismet, Tes purchases a cassette copy of Bruce Willis's The Return of Bruno from a gas station and jams out to "Respect Yourself." Apparently, the joke was written into the script long before the filmmakers ever dreamed of casting Willis in the picture.

Speaking of John McClane, he looks rather bizarre as Mel the mobster. Sporting a bleached blonde soul patch and bad skin complexion, Mel struts around his mansion in a bathrobe while munching on pecans. That perfectly sums up just how deep the characterizations are in Catch .44. Everything is thinly sketched out with quirks and tics in place of fleshed out personality traits. For example, Ronny speaks with a faux Tony Montana accent while Kara always has her earbuds on.

Imagine if someone took the diner segment from Pulp Fiction and expanded it into a full-length movie, but sapped it of any life or originality. Wait, you don't have to Aaron Harvey did just that with Catch .44, a derivative direct-to-video bore that could have been cut and pasted from the pages Tarantino tossed into his recycle bin.

Rating: * (*****)

Killer Elite

Killer Elite - Dir. Gary McKendry (2011)

The 80's were a wonderful time for action movies. Arnold, Sly, and Bruce Willis ruled the silver screen with Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Steven Seagal close behind them. For a while, it seemed as if those larger-than-life, macho movie heroes fell out of favor. Arnold went into politics, Sly's career derailed, and Norris became a Texas Ranger on TV while Seagal and Van Damme faded into direct-to-video obscurity. Only Willis managed a diversified oeuvre taking roles in pictures like Pulp Fiction and The Sixth Sense. Today, the one person who has been able to take up the mantle of old school action hero is Jason Statham. He's carved out a comfortable niche as a scruffy, steely-gazed badass in films like The Transporter and The Expendables.

Statham is once again called upon to break necks and cash checks as a hired assassin in Killer Elite. It's a role he's very familiar with having already played a hitman in Crank and The Mechanic. This time around, he's got a fantastic co-star in Robert DeNiro and a pair of tough adversaries in Clive Owen and his moustache.

Killer Elite is not to be confused with 1975's The Killer Elite, another movie about assassins that was directed by Sam Peckinpah. This Killer Elite is loosely based on The Feather Men, a 1991 novel by Sir Ranulph Fiennes that is purported to be a recounting of true events, which were largely debunked as pure fabrication. Despite the controversy, Killer Elite still advertises itself as "Based on a true story."

The film cleverly begins with a title stating that the story is set during a time of political instability and economic turmoil. No, it's not today, but 1980. Statham is Danny Bryce, a hitman on assignment in Mexico with his long-time friend and mentor Hunter (DeNiro), Davies (Dominic Purcell), and Meier (Aden Young), an expert in explosives and mechanics. A routine hit almost turns tragic when Danny inadvertently kills the target right in front of his young son. Danny decides to give up the game and retires to a quiet farmhouse in the Australian countryside with his girlfriend Anne (Yvonne Strahovski).

A year later, Danny is called back into action when Hunter is captured by Sheikh Amr (Rodney Afif), a deposed Omani ruler living in exile. Three of the Sheikh's sons were killed by soldiers in the British SAS during the Dhofar Rebellion. Danny must track down the murderers, tape their confessions, and make their deaths look like accident. In doing so, Danny will secure the release of Hunter and be paid a sum of $6 million. Reuniting with Davies and Meier, Danny finds their first target, Sgt. Steven Harris (Lachy Hulme), still living in Oman. However, their not-too-subtle search catches the attentions of ex-SAS officer Spike Logan (Clive Owen), who is employed by the Feather Men, a secretive conclave of former SAS men turned semi-legitimate businessmen.

As evidenced by the use of "Rock You Like a Hurricane" in the trailers, Killer Elite is meant to be something of a throwback to the 80's action movies, but with a modern touch. Director Gary McKendry, in his feature-length debut, goes for a toned-down Paul Greengrass-style approach. The action sequences are done at a frenetic pace with quick cuts and a lot of camera movement, but never descend into a nauseating mess.

Fans of Jason Statham will be pleased as he gets to do a little bit of everything. He's leaping across rooftops and getting into fistfights, shootouts, and car chases. He also has some decent scenes with DeNiro, even if their lines don't sparkle off the page. While any DeNiro is good DeNiro, you can't help but feel that the legendary actor is slumming here. Owen acts as a fine foil for Statham in a showdown of the British tough guys. Just like Danny, Spike isn't an out and out villain though his moral compass points towards a grey area. He also sports a cheesy moustache, yet it doesn't compare to the walrus 'stache and bushy sideburns worn by Dominic Purcell.

What drags Killer Elite down isn't the direction or the cast, but the run-of-the-mill script by Matt Sherring. The dialogue is full of manly clichés like, "This ends today," and "The rules? There are no rules." Sherring also offers up some interesting ideas, but doesn't have the wherewithal to follow through. The Feather Men might have made cool villains, except they are virtually dropped from the story by the third act. One of the challenges faced by Danny is to get confessions from battle hardened soldiers trained to withstand various methods of torture, but those moments are glossed over with each man readily admitting their guilt. A romantic subplot is also thrown in because the rules of formulaic storytelling require one. While it's nice to hear the lovely Yvonne Strahovski (from NBC's Chuck) speak with her native Aussie accent, she's absolutely wasted as the girl who pines for her man whenever he's away.

Killer Elite is a generically staged and below average action film. It never elicits an ounce of excitement despite the presence of three talented and convincing leads.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

I Don't Know How She Does It

I Don't Know How She Does It - Dir. Douglas McGrath (2011)

Some actors will be forever linked to their most popular roles. That's the case for Arnold and the Terminator, Leonard Nimoy and Spock, or Christopher Reeve and Superman. For Sarah Jessica Parker, it's Carrie Bradshaw. As the glamorous and urbane New Yorker on HBO's Sex and the City, Parker launched her career into the stratosphere. It seems like she's constantly trying to recapture lightning in a bottle by playing variations of Carrie in pictures like Did You Hear About the Morgans?, New Year's Eve, and I Don't Know How She Does It.

In the latter film, Parker is Kate Reddy, a hedge fund manager in Boston, mother of two, and wife to a successful architect named Richard (Greg Kinnear). Kate's life is a delicate balancing act between her professional life and her responsibilities at home. Most of the time, the scales don't tip in the right direction and she misses out on things like her son's first haircut. Kate's maternal duties get pushed further back when her demanding boss (Kelsey Grammer) asks her to land a lucrative account with the phallically appropriate name of Jack Abelhammer (Pierce Brosnan). This new opportunity requires Kate to fly back and forth to New York City and even ditch Thanksgiving dinner for a last minute flight to the Big Apple.

Aside from a crushing schedule, Kate's primary adversaries are a sniveling co-worker (Seth Myers), who is just waiting for her to slip up, and a competitive "momster" (Busy Phillips), who can seemingly outdo everything Kate tries.

I Don't Know How She Does It was based on a best-selling novel by Allison Pearson. It was originally published in 2002 and given the seal of approval by Oprah Winfrey. The Weinstein Company got the rights and went with Aline Brosh McKenna to pen the screenplay. McKenna also adapted the workplace chick-lit comedy, The Devil Wears Prada as well as the similarly themed 27 Dresses and Morning Glory. Luckily, How She Does It isn't another story centered on a type-A working girl whose entire self-worth is based on finding a man. Unfortunately, it is a movie centered on a type-A working girl whose problems aren't a drop in the bucket in the real world.

Pearson's novel was written years before the current recession, which is almost never addressed at all in the film. The one and only reference to the economic crisis is a condescending scene in which Jack and Kate deign to grace the common masses by going bowling in Cleveland. One of the working class stiffs remarks to the former Bond that she'll forgive him for being a banker if he scores a strike. If only it were that easy…

Kate doesn't exactly elicit much sympathy for being a part of the financial sector. She and her husband are also upper middle-class and make a more than comfortable living with a beautiful home. I doubt mothers working three jobs and living in depressed neighborhoods will shed many tears for Kate when her most trying dilemma involves a case of head lice. Or how about the time Kate is forced to masquerade a store-bought pie as homemade for her daughter's bake sale. Oh, the horror.

McKenna and director Douglas McGrath (Emma, Infamous) exacerbate the smugness by intercutting pseudo-documentary interviews with the supporting characters as they emphasize the difficulties modern women face in the workplace. It's an irritating device that adds nothing to an already thin narrative.

If there is anything positive to be found in I Don't Know How She Does It, it is the performances by Christina Hendricks and former G4 hostess Olivia Munn. Hendricks plays Kate's best friend, Allison, a single mother who likely faces far more interesting struggles. Munn is Kate's assistant, Momo, who finds herself pregnant despite the fact that she hates children.

Oprah called the original novel, the "national anthem for working mothers." Something must have been lost in translation since the movie sets the women's movement back twenty years. I Don't Know How She Does It tries to answer a question nobody was asking. The real question is "Why would anyone care?" Not a whole lot of people since the film earned a measly worldwide box office of $30.5 million. Sarah Jessica Parker needs to find more challenging material than How She Does It, a humorless and out of touch comedy full of shrill characters.

Rating: * (*****)