Lucy

Lucy - Dir. Luc Besson (2014)

Say what you will about Luc Besson, but he's one of the few filmmakers who has regularly showcased strong female protagonists. From a waifish Natalie Portman in The Professional to Anne Paurillaud's street urchin turned assassin in La Femme Nikita to the genetically superior Leeloo in The Fifth Element, Besson has a strong track record even if he's become a one man factory churning out cinematic junk food. His latest work stars Scarlett Johansson, who has become a bankable action heroine thanks to her portrayal of Marvel's Black Widow. Interestingly enough, Marvel has yet to capitalize on her popularity by giving the Widow her own solo picture. Other studios aren't as hesitant, DreamWorks has snatched ScarJo up to headline their live-action remake of Ghost in the Shell while the box office success of Lucy further cemented her star status.

Besson has so much fun with the concept of Lucy that it doesn't matter to him in the slightest that it's built on a complete fallacy. His screenplay hinges entirely on the myth that human beings only use ten percent of their brain. Ten percent is about all you need to enjoy this one.

Johansson is the eponymous Lucy, a gorgeous American studying abroad in Taipei, Taiwan. Her sleazy boyfriend ropes her into delivering a suitcase to a Korean gangster by the name of Mr. Jang (Choi Min-sik). Next thing you know, the boyfriend is dead and Lucy is forced to become a drug mule. The suitcase contained pouches of an experimental drug called CPH4, one of which is sewn into her stomach. If that weren't enough, a particularly volatile henchman repeatedly kicks Lucy in the gut causing the drugs to leak into her body.

Rather than overdose, Lucy gains increased intelligence and enhanced reflexes, which allow her to quickly dispatch her captors. As she accesses more of her higher brain functions, Lucy gains further abilities including telekinesis, telepathy, and the power to travel through time and space. She has no qualms in shooting a surgery patient because he wouldn't have survived anyway. Lucy also needs to inject the rest of the CPH4 as her body begins to lose molecular cohesion.

Considering how ludicrous Lucy gets, it makes absolute sense for Besson to cast Morgan Freeman as Professor Exposition. Okay, his character's actual name is Samuel Norman, but his sole purpose of being is to explain Besson's shaky science with some semblance of credibility. Sometimes that means positing the theory that dolphins access more of their brains to gain the ability of sonar. Also along for the ride is Amr Waked as a French police officer assisting Lucy in rounding up the drug dealers. There's not much to his character though it's cool to note Waked got the call from Besson while he was hip deep in the Egyptian protests of 2013. The ethnically diverse ensemble is complete by the always entertaining Choi Min-sik, best known for his intense performance in Park Chan-wook's Oldboy.

The role of Lucy suits Johansson well and it's one that is a wild departure from her more critically acclaimed turn in Under the Skin. Although both are steeped in science fiction, Under the Skin is about an alien trying to understand humanity while Lucy is about a woman slowly losing her humanity as she evolves. Besson helpfully keeps track of Lucy's power with intermittent percentages. Perhaps, an energy meter out of a Nintendo game would have been more visually interesting. Either way, the film drops any dramatic tension as Lucy edges closer to omnipotence. When she can render a roomful of men unconscious with a wave of her hand, what danger do a bunch of mobsters with machine guns pose?

Bonkers is the best way to describe Lucy, a movie that goes from shootouts and car chases to a wacky amalgamation of 2001: A Space Odyssey and Akira. Throw in a healthy dose of Luc Besson's pseudo-philosophy an hour and a half of dumb, Euro-trash fun.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

Oblivion

Oblivion - Dir. Joseph Kosinski (2013)

The year is 2077 and Earth has been ravaged by a war with an alien race known as the Scavengers. The invaders struck the first blow by destroying the moon and devastating the planet's climate. The humans deployed nuclear weapons to defeat the Scavs, but at the cost of rendering Earth nearly inhospitable. The remnants of humanity are migrating to the Saturn moon of Titan. This is all explained with painstaking detail in the opening narration of Oblivion.

Tom Cruise stars as the live-action version of Wall-E, Jack Harper, not to be confused with Jack Reacher. Harper and his partner/lover Vika (Andrea Riseborough) have stayed behind to be the "mop-up crew." They are tasked with repairing robotic drones that hunt down Scav stragglers and protect massive machines converting Earth's seawater into energy for the new colony. Both Harper and Vika have had their memories wiped as a security measure lest they be captured by the Scavs. Yet, Harper is plagued by dreams of a life before with a teeming New York City and a beautiful woman (Olga Kurylenko). Unlike his dutiful partner, Harper waxes nostalgic about old Earth and ventures off his usual patrol route. He's found a tranquil getaway within a hidden valley where he shoots hoops and listens to vinyl records.

During another routine repair, Harper finds a crashed ship that is decades old and carrying several human passengers in stasis. One of them happens to be Julia, the woman from his dreams. When the drones open fire on them, Harper embarks on a quest to discover the truth about the war and his own identity.

Oblivion is the second feature film from Joseph Kosinski, who previously directed Tron: Legacy. Kosinski has proven to be capable of creating stylish sci-fi worlds though he has a weaker handling on story. Oblivion transplants many of those same new age ideas with a stronger screenplay by Kosinski, William Monahan, Karl Gajdusek, and Michael Arndt. However, it is no less derivative. The story is full of Twilight Zone-style twists while paying homage to a laundry list of classic sci-fi films such as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Silent Running, The Omega Man, along with recent releases like Moon. Harper and Vika operate in the ruined remains of the Big Apple with the Statue of Liberty sticking out of the ground ala Planet of the Apes. Morgan Freeman appears in an outfit he apparently borrowed from Laurence Fishburne's Matrix wardrobe. And much like Morpheus, Freeman seeks to open Harper's eyes to the truth. Even the superb score by French electronic band M83 is reminiscent of Daft Punk's soundtrack for Tron: Legacy.

The movie progresses at a casual pace after a bloated opening overloaded with exposition. This allows the viewer to feast in the sumptuous visuals crafted by Kosinski, cinematographer Claudio Miranda, and their special effects team. Oblivion was filmed in Iceland and they've captured the natural beauty of the pristine landscapes. Though it isn't a rip-roaring action flick, Oblivion does feature a few well-executed set pieces, one of which sees Cruise flying his sleek airship through a canyon with drones hot on his tail.

It's no coincidence that Cruise once again takes on the role of a skilled pilot. His Jack Harper isn't too different from the characters he's portrayed in Top Gun, Minority Report, or Mission: Impossible. He's the loyal trooper who eventually bucks authority when it conflicts with his beliefs. Cruise is strong, but doesn't make much of an impression. Morgan Freeman would have to have a really bad day to turn in a weak performance while Game of Thrones' Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Zoe Bell are underutilized as his followers. Acting accolades should definitely go to Andrea Riseborough who portrays Vika with a heartbreaking vulnerability along with a stern iciness. She's the best thing in an otherwise lackluster picture, just as she was in Madonna's half-baked W.E. Melissa Leo has some fun as Sally, Harper and Vika's command officer, who only appears as a face on a screen. There's something obviously sinister about Sally's sunny, down-home disposition.

Oblivion is certainly worth catching on the big screen (or at least on Blu-ray) for the eye candy and the aural feast of M83's score. However, the story is far too familiar to be wholly satisfying.

Rating: ** (*****)

Olympus Has Fallen

Olympus Has Fallen - Dir. Antoine Fuqua (2013)

In 1997, a small town in the Pacific Northwest and the city of Los Angeles were threatened by the sudden eruption of volcanoes in Dante's Peak and Volcano. A year later, the Earth is nearly destroyed by two cataclysmic asteroids in Deep Impact and Armageddon. In 2013, the White House is in jeopardy not once, but twice. Roland Emmerich will direct Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx in White House Down, which will be released in June by Sony. Meanwhile, Millennium Films and FilmDistrict have beaten them to the punch with Olympus Has Fallen.

One snowy night, President Benjamin Asher (Aaron Eckhart) is on his way to a Christmas fundraiser when an accident causes his limo to swerve off a bridge. Secret Service Agent Mike Banning (Gerard Butler) saves the President's life, but is unable to save the First Lady (Ashley Judd). Over a year later, Banning is still haunted by his failure and exiled to a desk job at the Treasury Department. He races back into action when the nation's capital is attacked during a meeting between President Asher and the South Korean Prime Minister. In the film's most gripping and prolonged set piece, a cargo plane outfitted with Gatling guns literally causes monumental destruction. Not since Earth vs. the Flying Saucers has the Washington Monument suffered such damage. Garbage trucks doubling as armored vehicles roll up Pennsylvania Avenue while a blitzkrieg of armed assailants (disguised as tourists) breach the White House lawn killing dozens of security personnel and police responders. The ringleader is Kang (Rick Yune), a wanted terrorist who has infiltrated the South Korean government. He takes the President, V.P. (Phil Austin), Secretary of Defense (Melissa Leo), and other key members of staff hostage inside an underground bunker. Of course, there's only one man who can save them…Mike Banning.

If the plot sounds familiar, it's because Olympus Has Fallen is yet another graduate from the school of Die Hard with the White House standing in for Nakatomi Plaza. The similarities are so prominent and frequent that screenwriters Creighton Rothenberger and Katrin Benedikt (in their first credit) could be charged with outright plagiarism. Gerard Butler leaps off an exploding rooftop while a helicopter crashes behind him. He also taunts the villain over radio with tired one-liners ("Let's play a game of fuck off. You go first."). There's a scene where Banning bumps into one of the bad guys who pretends to be a frightened good guy. Banning's warnings against a foolhardy attempt at breaching the terrorists' defenses fall on deaf ears. Not to mention In the Line of Fire already did the Secret Service agent in search of redemption to greater effect.

Realizing the inherently silly nature of their film, the producers have loaded their supporting cast with actors who can effortlessly convey dramatic gravitas. The obligatory command center scenes feature Angela Bassett as the head of Secret Service and Morgan Freeman as the Speaker of the House now the acting president. Robert Forster portrays a hard-assed general who fills the role of Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson. Dylan McDermott makes a scenery chewing appearance as a turncoat agent though Rick Yune fails to lend anything memorable as the lead villain. Radha Mitchell gets a rather thankless role as Banning's worried wife. Aaron Eckhart is perfectly cast as the defiant authority figure and it's nice to see Gerard Butler in an action flick after doing so many terrible romantic comedies.

Antoine Fuqua is a solid action director, but aside from the opening salvo on D.C., there are not a lot of spectacular sequences. The majority of the film takes place inside a darkened White House, one that's so dark that you can hardly see any of the fights or shootouts. The darkness may have been to just hide the poor choreography or subpar CGI.

Olympus shamelessly exploits post-9/11 anxiety and xenophobia. Some viewers will be turned off at watching an airplane crash into a landmark as debris crushes people below it. The movie tries to have its cake and eat it too with terrorists that are clearly North Korean while straining to portray them as having no allegiance. These themes are only re-enforced by an overblown "America, Fuck Yeah," attitude, including one character defiantly reciting the Pledge of Allegiance as they are dragged and beaten.

Olympus Has Fallen plays as mindless, red meat entertainment in spite of its queasy politics and thoroughly derivative script right down to a climatic countdown in massive, bold numbers. Although it's a blatant knockoff, Olympus is actually more enjoyable than the latest Die Hard sequel.

Rating: ** (*****)

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises - Dir. Christopher Nolan (2012)

"You don't owe these people anymore, you've given them everything."

"Not everything…not yet."

Warning: This is a spoiler heavy review. If you have not seen The Dark Knight Rises, read the relatively spoiler light reviews by Ranjan Pruthee and I at Movie Metropolis.

Christopher Nolan revolutionized the way we think of superhero movies. Just as Richard Donner's Superman made you believe a man could fly, Nolan's Batman films made you believe a man fighting crime dressed as a giant bat could exist in the real world. Nolan's Batman was to the Tim Burton version what Burton's version was to the campy Adam West TV series. Nolan stripped the Bat of his most outlandish elements and grounded it in a gritty, realistic setting. Batman Begins detailed the origin of the Caped Crusader in a manner never seen before on the big screen. Nolan traced every step of Bruce Wayne's arduous journey to becoming the Batman. Its sequel, The Dark Knight, became a massive pop culture event and one of the highest grossing movies of all time. You can thank an unforgettable performance by the late-Heath Ledger as the Joker, Batman's greatest arch-enemy. Dark Knight also succeeded because it didn't look or feel like a typical comic book movie. It was Shakespearean tragedy done in the vein of a neo-noir crime film ala Michael Mann. The bar was set incredibly high for The Dark Knight Rises, the epic conclusion to Nolan's Bat-trilogy.

Eight years after the events of Dark Knight, Gotham City has eradicated the plague of organized crime. A thousand criminals have been locked away without parole thanks to the Harvey Dent Act. The victory has come at a high cost as the Batman accepted the blame for the murderous acts of Gotham's fallen district attorney. The cover-up has eaten away at Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman), who is left alone. His wife and children have left him and his staunchest ally has disappeared. Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) has hung up the cape and cowl and retreated back to Wayne Manor amidst rumors of becoming a Howard Hughes-esque shut-in. His time as Batman has taken its toll on his spirit and his body, walking with aid of a cane and mourning the loss of Rachel Dawes.

Before the Batman can fade into the mists of myth and legend, a new evil arrives in Gotham, a masked mercenary known as Bane (Tom Hardy), born and raised in a hellish Middle Eastern prison. Fashioning himself a latter day revolutionary, Bane is the rare foe who is both physically and mentally a match for Batman. Bane isn't cut from the same cloth as the cowardly and superstitious lot our hero generally faces. He draws first blood after hitting the Gotham stock exchange and ruining Bruce Wayne's finances. Bruce is forced to wrest control of Wayne Enterprises with the help of Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) and Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard), a new board member who provides him with much needed comfort. As Batman, he must combat Bane's loyal army with the assistance of an earnest beat cop named Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway), a slinky thief working her own agenda.

The screenplay by Christopher & Jonathan Nolan (with story credit to David S. Goyer), borrows from several comic book sources such as Knightfall (in which Bane and Batman first do battle), No Man's Land (where Gotham is cut off from the rest of the nation by government order), and Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns (where an aged Batman is forced out of retirement). The latter is fitting since Nolan utilized many elements from Miller's Batman:Year One in his own re-telling of the Caped Crusader's origin. Indeed, Dark Knight Rises brings the series full circle by drawing many parallels to Batman Begins. Much like Bruce Wayne, Bane was trained by Ra's al Ghul (w/ Liam Neeson returning in a brief dream sequence) forcing Batman to battle an old and familiar threat in the League of Shadows. Those familiar with Knightfall will know Bane breaks the Batman's back and then tosses him into the prison, which resembles the family well he fell down as a child. Once again, Bruce must re-train his mind and body for the inevitable rematch.

"And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

I've always considered Christopher Nolan to be the cerebral Michael Bay. Nolan is a master at visual spectacle. We've seen what the director is capable of in Inception with massive cityscapes folding in on themselves and a jaw-dropping scene from Dark Knight involving a somersaulting 18-wheeler. Dark Knight Rises is no different as Nolan uses the IMAX format to its fullest. The film opens with a stunning prologue, done mostly with practical effects, where Bane hijacks a plane in mid-air. There's also a thrilling chase sequence as Gotham Police pursue Batman through the streets and the much ballyhooed implosion of a football field. In addition to the Tumbler and the Bat-Pod, Batman's latest weapon is the Bat, an aerial assault vehicle that glides through the labyrinthine urban landscape.

Nolan's skills as an action director have improved since Batman Begins and the set pieces in Rises are less choppy and more coherent. Nolan imbues his sense of style with a substance ripped out of the headlines. The Dark Knight was all about the Joker shattering the illusion of post-9/11 unity with Batman enacting totalitarian measures by tapping into the city's cell phone signals. In Rises, Bane presents himself as a champion for the oppressed and an enemy of economic inequality. The Nolans draw inspiration from A Tale of Two Cities with Gotham descending into a Dickensian winter under the occupation of Bane's forces. His followers toss the wealthy out of their homes and drag them in front of a kangaroo court headed by Dr. Jonathan Crane (Cillian Murphy) aka The Scarecrow.

These ideas are hammered in by the evolution of Gotham City from the stylized Chicago of the previous picture to an analogue of New York City. Wall Street and the Queensboro Bridge have been transplanted to Gotham with Trump Tower standing in for the headquarters of Wayne Enterprises. Yet, Nolan merely dresses the film up with these heady themes without fully drawing upon them. Sometimes they feel like parlor tricks meant to distract the viewer from obvious plot holes and inconsistencies that creep up once you have allowed the film time to absorb. The Dark Knight ended with the intriguing promise of a Batman shunned by the public he protected, hunted by the police, and once again feared by the criminal underworld as a wanted murderer. Instead, the threequel leaps forward where Bruce Wayne has improbably put Batman out to pasture. Yet, this plot element has its upside. Comic book movies depict the hero at the beginning or the prime of his career and never when his body has broken down. Bruce is forced to wear a high-tech leg brace to compensate for his knee injuries. However, his injuries are quickly forgotten after a clichéd training montage. Also, it doesn't make a lot of sense to transfer Dr. Pavel's blood to the anonymous corpse since the CIA would still be able to check DNA or dental records.

Some might be disappointed that Dark Knight Rises is the closest of the trilogy to a traditional superhero film with a city held hostage and a madman with an Armageddon device. But, is there really anything wrong with that? And when Batman is flying away with the nuke, did anyone else hope he'd say, "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Christian Bale gives his best performance of the series in Dark Knight Rises, even if he does overdo the growly Bat-voice. Bale has a rich supporting cast to draw from though many of them are criminally underutilized. Michael Caine returns as the steadfast Alfred, who serves as the heart of the film as well as an instrument of clunky exposition. Nolan still has a rough time dealing with exposition without having characters simply standing around and talking at convenient times. To me, it's just as hard to believe Alfred would abandon Bruce as it was when Michael Gough's Alfred let Vicki Vale into the Bat-Cave.

Joseph-Gordon Levitt instills more to the character of Blake than what was written on the page. As we learn in the end, his first name is Robin, Nolan's unique take on the Boy Wonder. Blake is an amalgam of the first three Robins. He's an orphan like Dick Grayson, a hothead like Jason Todd, and possesses a deductive mind like Tim Drake. Blake ultimately feels shoehorned in and his arc would have had more emotional resonance had he been introduced in the preceding installments. Although, these quibbles are remedied by JGL's performance and the money shot of Robin in Bat-Cave as the platform rises before the end credits roll.

Aussie actor Ben Mendelsohn gets to chew scenery as the unscrupulous John Daggett, an executive trying to take control of Wayne Enterprises. The brimming ensemble also includes Brett Cullen as a congressman, Game of Thrones' Aiden Gillen as a CIA Agent, Matthew Modine as one of Gordon's lieutenants, Juno Temple as Selina Kyle's sidekick Holly Robinson, and Thomas Lennon in a funny uncredited cameo as Bruce Wayne's doctor.

The Batman has often been overshadowed by his rogues gallery. Without a doubt, The Dark Knight was anchored by Heath Ledger, who won a posthumous Oscar for his turn as the Joker. Rather than go with a more renowned foe such as the Riddler or the Penguin, Nolan chose Bane, who was once portrayed as a monosyllabic henchman in Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. Here, Nolan's interpretation of Bane is akin to a horror movie monster like Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees. He is brought to life in chilling fashion by Tom Hardy, who has played volatile and physically imposing before in Bronson and Warrior. No easy feat as the British thespian's face is hidden throughout the movie by a cumbersome gas mask. Hardy relies entirely on his eyes, body language, and a posh accent that belies his hulking frame. Think Hardy's Patrick Stewart impression from Star Trek: Nemesis meets Darth Vader. He is Bane, the gentleman's terrorist.

"If someone stands in the way of true justice, you simply walk up behind them and stab them in the heart."

The Clown Prince of Crime has stood has as Batman's most infamous archenemy because he is the yin to his yang. Where Batman represents order, Joker represents pure anarchy. He is a self-professed "agent of chaos." Bane is Batman taken to the extreme. Both come from tragic backgrounds. Both have the discipline (and myopic obsession) to train their bodies to peak physical condition. Bane's moral compass, however, points in the opposite direction of the Caped Crusader. He also lacks the support group that Bruce had in his trio of father figures: Alfred, Gordon, and Lucius. Bane is sold as a zealot believing in his own twisted brand of social justice and that's undercut by a third act twist. In the worst kept secret ever, Miranda Tate is revealed to be Talia, the daughter of Ra's al Ghul, with her own obsession to complete her father's work and cleanse Gotham City. Again, we have a child of pain driven by a mission that they are deluded to be in the right. All of Bane's talk of liberation is for naught as he becomes a mooning lapdog to Talia. Talia, a fascinating character from the comics, is played wonderfully by Marion Cotillard. She is alternately a love interest and a formidable antagonist, but her story unfolds in a rushed manner, as if they decided to compress decades of books into a matter of minutes before killing her off.

The most surprising highlight of Dark Knight Rises is Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle, never once referred to as Catwoman. Many fanboys bemoaned the casting of Hathaway and the look of her costume. Most of them were the same who criticized the casting of Heath Ledger and re-design of the Joker. Naysayers be damned, Hathaway gives this cat some serious claws. She is a strong and sultry femme fatale and brings a necessary injection of fun and wit to Nolan's usually grim and ponderous tone. If I have to make another Star Wars reference, her Catwoman is the Han Solo of Rises, a scoundrel with an ambiguous code of ethics. As for the costume, it works within context of the world Nolan has created. The goggles serve as a high-tech burglary tool while doubling as cat ears. Even her stiletto heels serve as functional offensive weapons. Hathaway is so good that I want to see her in a spin-off. Perhaps, a prequel, Catwoman Begins?

No review of Dark Knight Rises would be complete without mention of the score by Hans Zimmer. If the soundtrack comes off as bombastic and overbearing it is more the fault of Nolan than Zimmer. Nolan does drown out some scenes with the music cranked all the way to eleven. One of the film's best sequences is the initial fight between Bane and Batman with bone breaking body blows serving as the only score. Yet, Zimmer does some of his best work on Rises. He kicks off the prologue on a pitch perfect note with the spooky introductory notes to "Gotham's Reckoning." The composition builds to a crescendo with thunderous drum beats and the ominous chanting of "basara basara deshi deshi."

Yes, you can scrutinize The Dark Knight Rises to death. Or you can sit back and enjoy the visual spectacle that Christopher Nolan has crafted. Epic in scope and grandeur, Dark Knight Rises is a film meant to be seen in theaters on the largest screens possible. This is the grand finale befitting of Nolan's Bat-franchise.

Rating: **** (*****)

Conan the Barbarian

Conan the Barbarian - Dir. Marcus Nispel (2011)

The life story of author Robert E. Howard could probably make for a compelling film. He practiced boxing and bodybuilding as a boy and this physicality would inform his later writing. Howard's mother, Hester, contracted tuberculosis from caring for ill relatives before she ever met his father, Isaac, meaning she was dying throughout his entire life. When Hester fell into an unrecoverable coma, Howard (aged 30) shot himself in the head. Many have speculated about his mental state, but what was undeniable was his body of work. Howard wrote numerous short stories for the Depression-era pulp magazine, Weird Tales, which also published the writings by H.P. Lovecraft and Clark Ashton Smith. Howard created characters like Bran Mak Morn, Solomon Kane, and his most renowned creation Conan the Barbarian, which ushered in the genre of sword and sorcery.

Conan was first brought to the silver screen in 1983 with a feature film directed by John Milius, who co-wrote the script with Oliver Stone. It managed to skyrocket the movie career of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nowadays, it's known more as a cult classic of 80's action cheese rather than a faithful adaptation of Howard's stories. It spawned a sequel in Conan the Destroyer and a spinoff, Red Sonja, a character originally created in the Marvel Comics series by Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith, who based her on a pastiche of other Howard characters. A third Conan film was mired in development hell. One script based on the novel, Hour of the Dragon, was put into production until Arnold backed out. Kevin Sorbo replaced him, but refused to star in a role previously played by another actor. So the studio renamed it Kull the Conqueror to shoehorn in a previous barbarian character Howard had created.

Comparisons between that version and the all new Conan the Barbarian are inevitable. Enough time has passed from my last viewing of Arnold's Conan that it doesn't cloud my experience of the new one. I will say that Conan's new catchphrase, "I live, I love, I slay and I am content." doesn't hold a candle to…

"What is best in life?"
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women."

This new Conan gets off to a promising start with an expository narration by Morgan Freeman about the history of the mythical Hyborian Age, a time after the fall of Atlantis. It's all about the ancient Mask of Acheron, which could grant its wearer ultimate power. Next is an internal shot of a sword piercing a womb. We cut to a pregnant woman in full battle garb in the midst of a violent struggle. Her husband, Corin (Ron Perlman), comes to her aid. He performs an emergency C-section and pulls his newborn son from her belly. He says, "Name your son," and she answers, "His name is Conan!" Corin holds the baby, covered in viscera and after-birth, to the high heavens and lets out a hearty scream. Cue title logo.

A pre-teen Conan (Leo Howard) undergoes a brutal rite of passage as he slays several attackers in the snow-covered forests outside his village. He tosses their heads at the feet of his father as proof of his brave deed. Unfortunately, these happy days of decapitation end when the forces of Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) invade in a quest to reassemble the pieces of the Mask. In an homage to Once Upon a Time in the West, young Conan and his Corin are placed into an unfortunate death trap involving molten steel that doesn't end well for daddy.

The adult Conan (Jason Momoa) returns to seek revenge against Khalar Zym and his half-witch daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan). Zym seeks to sacrifice a pure-blooded virgin in order to empower the mask and conquer the world.

It's odd that themes of filial vengeance played such a huge role in both Conan films, despite the fact these elements were not present in the source material. Conan the Barbarian is simply a victim of Hollywood's incessant need to origin stories for every character they get their hands on. His name is Conan the Barbarian. Is there anything more you need to know? Does the audience genuinely need to delve into his psychological make-up to truly understand a guy who just likes to kill and fuck?

The production budget was a whopping $90 million and while it looks better than the original, doesn't look at all like they spent $90 million. The special effects begin to fail in the second half of the film as if the filmmakers started running out of time and money. The worst sequence has to be a third act battle between Conan and a tentacled monster. The creature looks terribly fake and the picture is murky and nearly incomprehensible due to the haphazard 3D conversion. Faring better is a fight scene pitting Conan against ninjas made out of sand. The CGI looks good, but the action is poorly staged by director Marcus Nispel, who makes the common mistake of cutting in too close and too quickly. Nispel, who also directed the remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th, is the primary reason why I had such low expectations going into Conan. He also directed 2007's Pathfinder, a brutally boring movie about Native Americans versus Viking invaders. It almost makes you wish Brett Ratner had stuck around. Almost.

The largely unknown Jason Momoa undoubtedly won fans over for his portrayal of Khal Drogo on HBO's Game of Thrones. He definitely has the charisma and the steely gaze to make a badass Conan. You just wish he had better material to work with. Stephen Lang gets another chance to play the snarling villain. Lang gets to chew up plenty of scenery as does Rose McGowan, who looks like she got make-up and wardrobe tips from her ex Marilyn Manson. Meanwhile, Rachel Nichols as the virgin Tamara doesn't get much to do other than look pretty. Also, it was unclear whether or not she needed to be a virgin for the blood sacrifice because Conan ruins that at the end of the second act. To no one's surprise, they engage in a softly lit love scene that looks like it was lifted from an early-90's skin flick that aired on late night Cinemax.

In between the flash forward, there is a brief mention of Conan's adventures as a mercenary, pirate, and thief. Any one of those stories would have been more interesting than this generic schlock. Conan the Barbarian should have been easy to pull off. Take some of the best elements from Howard's stories, combine with the visceral visuals of Frank Frazetta, and toss in plenty of blood and boobs. Instead, we get a boring series of clichés that is only Conan the Barbarian in name. Nispel's film has more in common with the litany of 80's knockoffs like The Beastmaster, Deathstalker, and Yor, the Hunter From the Future.

Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. Grant me one request. That someone finally make a GOOD Conan movie. And if you do not listen, then the hell with you.

Rating: * (*****)

Red

Red - Dir. Robert Schwentke (2010)

RED: Retired, Extremely Dangerous

For some odd reason, 2010 was the year for movies about crack teams of highly-trained specialists. We had The Losers, The A-Team, and The Expendables. Now, here comes Red, which also fits into the subgenre of 'government operatives hunted down by their employers' along with Salt and Knight and Day.

Red is based on a three issue mini-series by Warren Ellis and Cully Hamner that was published by Wildstorm, an imprint of DC Comics. The source material centered on a lone protagonist and was made of darker, more violent stuff. Jon & Eric Hoeber, who also adapted the graphic novel Whiteout, freely interpret the comic into a comedy-driven action romp.

Bruce Willis stars as Frank Moses, a former CIA assassin who has retired into a life of boring routine. He wakes up, eats his breakfast, and wheels out the garbage just like everyone else in his nondescript neighborhood. The sole bright spot of Frank's mundane existence are his flirty chats with Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker), the service rep who handles his pension. Like Frank, Sarah is trapped in the rut of your average cubicle dweller. She finds excitement more in the idea of Frank than the man himself.

One day, a hit-squad riddles Frank's house with machine gun fire in the middle of the night. Frank dispatches them with cold-blooded efficiency and rescues Sarah from another team of assassins who have monitored his conversations. Now, Frank must track down his former colleagues to find out who wants him dead. First, there's Joe Matheson (Morgan Freeman), now residing in a nursing home and suffering from terminal liver cancer. Next is Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich), a conspiracy nut hiding out in the Florida swamps. He was fed a steady diet of LSD as part of a secret mind control experiment. Frank even turns to a former nemesis in Ivan Simanov (Brian Cox), a former Russian operative and one-time lover of the final member of the team, Victoria (Helen Mirren). An ex-MI6 agent, Victoria, now runs a bed and breakfast in Maryland.

The filmmakers didn't skimp on the supporting roles either, snagging an ensemble of talented actors to fill out the movie. Karl Urban plays William Cooper, the CIA agent tasked with capturing Frank and his comrades, with Rebecca Pidgeon as his hard-nosed supervisor and Julian McMahon as the vice-president. Richard Dreyfuss essentially reprises his role of Dick Cheney from Oliver Stone's W. as a crooked industrialist. The 93-year old Ernest Borgnine shows everybody how it's done as a records keeper for the CIA's dirtiest secrets.

Most of the actors play their roles broadly with Malkovich and Dreyfuss being the most over-the-top. You almost wish Dreyfuss had grown a handlebar mustache so you could watch him twirl it with villainous glee. In contrast, Willis is more laid back as the laconic Frank Moses. It's easy to imagine Moses as what John McClane would be like in his sunset years. His role in Red can also be seen as a meta comment on Willis's career as an action hero. At 55, Willis isn't quite ready to hand in his badge and gun, not when there's still ass kicking to do. Morgan Freeman (who could captivate an audience by reading the phone book) doesn't get nearly as much screen time, but makes the most of what little he has. Brian Cox affects a rather iffy Russian accent as a Cold War throwback.

Despite being a testosterone driven film, the best performances in Red belong to Mary-Louise Parker and Dame Helen Mirren. As the underwritten love interest, Parker displays deft comedic timing. Her best scenes are towards the beginning of the movie when she's kidnapped by Frank. Even with her hands bound and her mouth gagged, she manages to bring the funny, acting as the counterpoint to the sleepy eyed Willis. And what can you say about the ultra-classy Mirren? Her Victoria is like a cross between Emma Peel and Martha Stewart. She remains prim and proper as she fires a sniper rifle and throat punches people. How can anyone not delight in seeing Mirren decked out in an evening gown and combat boots while manning a .50 caliber machine gun bigger than she is?

The action is wildly cartoonish. A hand grenade is swatted away like a baseball and blows a henchman into pieces. Shortly afterwards, Malkovich deflects a rocket with a single bullet. It explodes in a massive ball of fire while Malkovich emerges without as much as a singed eyebrow. The film does peter out during a pedestrian and anticlimactic resolution, but rebounds with a hilarious epilogue.

Rating: ***

The Dark Knight

The Dark Knight - Dir. Christopher Nolan (2008)


"How 'bout a magic trick?"

Am I allowed to call The Dark Knight, the Citizen Kane of comic book movies? Well, I don’t care because I am calling it that.

It's hard to even categorize the film as just a straight superhero movie. The tone and atmosphere is more in line with crime epics like Heat, The Departed, or The Untouchables. The opening bank robbery feels like a sequence taken directly from a Michael Mann movie. And with a runtime of over 2 and a half hours, The Dark Knight is the Bat-epic we've been waiting for. Christopher Nolan wastes no time in getting things started. We hit the ground running and Dark Knight grabs a firm hold of our short hairs and never lets up its grip.

While this may be a Batman movie, the true stealer of the show is The Joker. The greatest supervillain of all time is played to perfection by the late-Heath Ledger. To compare him to Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange or Hannibal Lecter would be a gross understatement of the character. To compare him to Jack Nicholson would also be a disservice. Jack Nicholson's Joker was fun and instantly quotable. Yet, he was always just Jack Nicholson in white make-up doing Jack Nicholson shtick. Heath disappears into the role and not just because of costuming or make-up. His mannerisms and inflections ARE those of the Joker. Believe me, I was calling Oscar buzz long before anybody else. As soon as I heard that first Joker line in the original teaser last year, I knew Heath was going to do something special. I hope he gets some recognition during awards season and not just in a morbid posthumous way. If Johnny Depp can get an Oscar nomination for his fey Keith Richards act, Heath can get one for his Clown Prince of Crime.

Kudos as well to the writing team for crafting one of the most unique antagonists in cinematic history. Comic fans will see the influence from Alan Moore's The Killing Joke and Grant Morrison's Arkham Asylum. We don't get a repeat of Batman Begins. This is not The Joker Begins. There is no protracted origin sequence. No flashbacks, no exposition, no explanation of 'Why?' in regards to the Joker. He just IS. The Joker is not someone we can ever hope to understand. He's no mere mobster in search of money and power. He's no megalomaniac bent on world conquest. This Joker is a simple man who only wants to call the world on all its bullshit. He may not meticulously organize his evil plans, but he does come up with some incredibly twisted and innovative schemes. It is so fascinating to watch a villain who is several steps ahead of the heroes and has them completely outmatched.

Weaved into the tapestry is the rise and fall of Harvey Dent, the golden boy savior of Gotham City. Anybody with some familiarity with the Bat-Universe knows Dent's ultimate fate. At first, he is everything Batman cannot be only to become everything that Batman shouldn't be. Whereas the Joker is Batman's complete opposite in terms of order vs. chaos. Dent becomes Batman's opposite in the other extreme, corrupting his ideals about justice and meting out punishment with the flip of a coin. Both suffer tremendous tragedy, but Batman is driven by his tragedy while Dent succumbs to it. Eckhart gives a fine performance and his shared scenes with the Joker are some of the best in the film.

The best thing that Nolan has brought to his reinvigorated Bat-Franchise is the A-list cast. Many of them have returned for the sequel. Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman are their usual dependable selves, bringing gravitas and a touch of humor to their scenes. Gary Oldman is that rare breed of actor that is a total chameleon. Like Heath, Oldman melts right into the role of Jim Gordon. Batman may be the title character and Joker may get all the attention, but Oldman’s Gordon is the heart of the film. Maggie Gyllenhaal is a definite upgrade from Katie Holmes. Of course, how can you ignore Christian Bale. He's the best Batman ever, even if his character doesn't get a chance to grow much in the sequel. Bale also does a great job with his foppish Bruce Wayne routine. The growling Bat-voice was overdone though, but that's the fault of post-production.

This being a blockbuster summer flick, I can't forget about the action sequences. The Hong Kong sequence is gorgeous and the finale is pure awesomeness. The car chase through the streets is another excellent set piece. The Bat-Pod is cool and used just right without ever coming off as a blatant excuse for a toy. My only beef would be some of the fight scenes as I'm not a fan of Nolan's quick cut editing. If a fight breaks out, I want to be able to see the fight and not just a series of close-ups of people's fists and feet.

Nolan and company have topped themselves creating that rare sequel that blows the original right out of the water. This is the best comic book adaptation ever and my pick for best film of 2008.

Rating: **** 1/2

Wanted

Wanted - Dir. Timur Bekmambetov (2008)

Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is an office drone slaving away in a cubicle. His boss always yells at him and his girlfriend cheats on him with his best friend. His job is terrible, his life is terrible and he knows it. He just can´t or won´t do anything about it. If you couldn´t figure any of that out on your own, Wesley helpfully informs us through his Chuck Palahniuk-inspired narration. Wesley´s father ran out on him years ago and he´s never heard from him since. That is, until the sultry Fox (Angelina Jolie) drops into his life. She tells Wesley his father was one of the greatest assassins in the world and was just murdered on a rooftop. Wesley is inducted into a ancient order of killers known as The Fraternity who take their orders from the Loom of Fate which weaves the names of their targets into its cloth. "Kill one save a thousand," that´s their motto.

He meets the Fraternity´s leader, Sloan (Morgan Freeman), who helps Wesley realize his potential when he orders him to shoot the wings off a swarm of houseflies. Other members include The Gunsmith (Common), The Exterminator (Konstantin Khabensky), The Repairman (Marc Warren), and The Butcher (Dato Baktadze). I think The Baker and The Candlestick Maker are being saved for the sequel. Every member of the Fraternity has a heart that beats at extraordinary speeds giving them an adrenaline boost that allows them to perform superhuman feats. They can also curve the trajectories of their bullets. How? It´s all in the wrists.

Wesley´s assassin training consists of taking vicious beatings from his colleagues, shooting corpses strung up on meat hooks, and riding the roofs of Chicago´s elevated trains. The better to prepare him for the inevitable showdown against his father´s killer, a Fraternity turncoat named Cross (Thomas Kretschmann). That´s the plot in a nutshell. Sure, there are some twists and turns in the third act, but the story is incidental to the action. It´s as if the filmmakers came up with cool action sequences first and built the storyline around them. The first half of the film is Wesley´s training with the obligatory montage and a quick set of scenes following Wesley making his first kills. They might as well have just made Wanted entirely out of action montages set to Danny Elfman's pulse-pounding score.

The basic premise of the movie is completely ludicrous. We´re lead to believe that a small group of weavers a thousand years ago somehow discerned a secret code from the pattern in their cloth. How exactly did they do intel on their targets? They didn´t exactly have Google back then. And is the world of Wanted one without Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden? How does a secret society stay so secret when they´ve got members flying across skyscrapers, shooting it out in the middle of a crowded drug store, and evading swarms of police officers? While I´m all for, "It´s only a movie," but, come on, guys.

Director Timur Bekmambetov makes his American debut on Wanted after helming a pair of special effects blockbusters, Night Watch, and Day Watch, in his native Russia. Bekmambetov directs Wanted as if he were John Woo with A.D.D. after someone substituted his Ritalin for Jolt and Red Bull. Bekmambetov cribs heavily from The Matrix utilizing bullet time and making the simple act of a victim shot through the head an excruciatingly elaborate production. Bekmambetov dips into a deep bag of tricks to further spice things up. He uses freeze frames, slow motion, fast motion, zoom-ins, zoom-outs, fast forwards, and rewinds. Bullets strike each other in mid-shot and slick sports cars flip through the air like circus acrobats. Some moviegoers will be astonished at the eye candy while more conservative audience members will likely get a migraine. Throughout it all, Bekmambetov keeps a dark sense of humor. A man gets smashed in the face with the keyboard; the letters and a tooth break off to spell out an obscenity. A laser sighting dots a Hindi woman´s Bindi and a bullet is engraved with the word, "Goodbye."

As far as the acting goes, it´s better than you´d expect from a film like this. Much like Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton, James McAvoy appears to be an unlikely choice to anchor a big-budget comic book movie. Yet, he equates himself well though not as much as his contemporaries. McAvoy begins the film with the flabbergasted, deer in the headlights demeanor that you´d expect from the comic relief sidekick and not the action hero lead. But, the Scottish actor sports an almost flawless American accent and pulls off the transformation from nebbish pushover into buff killing machine. Angelina Jolie (she of the thick lips & spindly arms) plays up her image of steamy, sexpot as the tattooed, femme fatale Fox. She is everything a growing boy with raging hormones could want. The smoking hot, kick-ass fantasy girl you wished would drop into your life. When she kisses Wesley in front of his shrill ex-girlfriend, the guys in my theater cheered and hollered. And for those of you who thought they should have seen more when Ms. Jolie emerged from the water naked in Beowulf, you won´t be disappointed here.

Five years ago, I would have said it was impossible for an actor the caliber of Morgan Freeman to participate in such a profane and violent spectacle. Nowadays, the man seems content to appear in sentimental, crowd pleasers like The Bucket List and Evan Almighty, along with genre pictures like Wanted and the Batman franchise. As expected, he lends a bit of credibility to all the silliness and I did giggle like a schoolgirl when I heard Easy Reader curse up a Samuel L. Jackson storm. The filmmakers tried to throw the fanboys a bone with the casting of Terrence Stamp as the mysterious Pekwarsky. Like Freeman, Stamp brings a little extra gravitas to his miniscule part, but General Zod doesn´t get enough screen time and never makes anyone kneel before him.

Now, I switch into comic book geek mode. I pose the question, what is more preposterous? A hidden clan of assassins who take their orders from a giant sewing machine? Or a world where comic book super-villains actually exist and rule the world in secret after having defeated all the super-heroes in a massive war? The latter was the high concept premise of the original comic. Millar loosely based his creations on the rogues´ galleries of DC Comics to form an over-the-top, darkly humorous and nihilistic world.

Producers snatched up the rights before the first issue even came out and had the screenwriters behind 2 Fast 2 Furious and 3:10 To Yuma ditch the super-villain angle and go off in their own direction. I doubt Wanted would have benefited from a 100%, straight-on adaptation ala Sin City, but we´ve seen plenty of movies about assassins. The super-villain plot would have been more unique and given us far more outlandish characters compared to the dull, generic supporting cast of the film. Mr. X and the Repairman don´t compare to a poop monster made of the feces from the 666 most evil humans in history. Maybe mainstream audiences just weren´t ready for Johnny Two-Dicks, a mobster with an evil, talking penis. While I agree with toning down the sheer amorality of the comic, I believe the film lost some of the hook and the acerbic wit of the source material. We´ve had poor attempts at the post-modern comic book movie (Mystery Men, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Hancock), but I think Wanted could have been the one.

Films like Iron Man, Die Hard, and Terminator 2 have proven blockbuster action flicks can still be intelligent with heart and a sharp script. Wanted has no intelligence, heart or a sharp script. It is a loud, dumb action movie and sometimes that´s all I want. It might not be healthy, but I´ll pass on the filet mignon every once in a while for a Twinkie. Wanted is a Twinkie, a delicious, bloody, profane, bullet-riddled Twinkie. It´s a super-stylized, gun-toting guilty pleasure that´s not afraid to go for the hard R. It´s meant to attract the types of folks who love playing Grand Theft Auto. The action sequences were a helluva lot of fun and the movie appealed to my mentally deranged, inner child.

Rating: ***