Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Dir. Timur Bekmambetov (2012)

Four score and seven ass kickings ago...

It says a lot about our education system when young children aren't taught pivotal moments in history such as when Abraham Lincoln killed all those vampires to end the Civil War or the time Adolf Hitler was gunned down by the guy who directed Hostel.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was conceived by Seth Grahame-Smith, who started a new literary mash-up trend with the hit novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. There, Grahame-Smith re-conceived the Bennett Sisters as a skilled fighting force against the undead. The book was quickly optioned by Lionsgate though it has been mired in development hell. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter made it to the screen first thanks to the involvement of Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov with the relatively unknown Benjamin Walker cast in the title role.

The film begins with Abe as a child witnessing his father protect he and his friend William Johnson from the whip of a vicious plantation owner named Jack Barts (Marton Csokas). It turns out Barts is a vampire and kills Nancy Lincoln (Robin McLeavy) in revenge. As an adult, Lincoln hunts Barts down, but is ill-prepared for his supernatural strength. He is saved from death by Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper), a benevolent vampire who makes Lincoln his axe-wielding apprentice. During his training, our 16^th President learns that the vampires have flourished in the South with slaves serving as a veritable smorgasbord. He ultimately decides to use a weapon even more powerful than silver or holy water…politics.

The appeal of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter isn't just seeing Lincoln dismember bloodsucking fiends, but the way in which it weaves fantastical elements with actual historical facts. Some of the most important figures in Lincoln's life are presented in fictionalized fashion. In Springfield, Illinois, Lincoln works in the general store of Joshua Speed (Jimmi Simpson) and is reunited with his childhood buddy William Johnson (Anthony Mackie). Both become his staunchest allies while campaigning and fighting vampires. He also falls in love with future wife, Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), despite Sturgess's warnings against personal relationships. Even Jefferson Davis (John Rothman) and Harriet Tubman (Jacqueline Fleming) figure into the narrative. Sadly, Lincoln's famous debates with Stephen Douglas (Alan Tudyk) are given only a fleeting amount of screen time. And it is at this point that the movie starts to die a slow and painfully boring death.

Grahame-Smith may be a talented novelist, but he has yet to display any consistency in his screenwriting endeavors. He impressed Burton enough to get writing duties on Dark Shadows and a possible Beetlejuice sequel. However, Dark Shadows was a box office flop that struggled to adapt a soap opera structure to a feature film. Grahame-Smith has the same problems translating his book. The middle section sags with a distinct lack of action and the overall tone is far too morbid for what should have been a campy cult classic. A few changes to the vampire mythology work well. The vampires' weakness to silver is tied into the 30 pieces of silver paid to Judas. One element that doesn't make a lot of sense is the fact that vampires cannot kill their own kind. It's a flimsy explanation for why Sturgess would take on Lincoln as a pupil when it didn't really need any explanation at all. Perhaps, the biggest problem with the movie is its tacky retconning of the Emancipation Proclamation. You see, President Lincoln didn't free the slaves out of an altruistic belief that all human beings deserve the basic right of freedom. It was to cut off the vampires' food supply.

Bekmambetov is no stranger to directing gothic, over-the-top action films having previously helmed Night Watch and Wanted. The set pieces here are underwhelming with such liberal use of slow motion that Zack Snyder would even scoff. Only two sequences make any impression. One features a Lion King-esque stampede in which Barts throws an entire horse at Lincoln. The final act sees Lincoln and friends battling an army of vampires on board a train racing towards a burning bridge. The visual look of the film leaves much to be desired and likely falls on the shoulders of post-production rather than cinematographer Caleb Deschanel. The colors are de-saturated and there's a murkiness to the night scenes that makes the 3D version an absolutely avoidable.

This isn't the first time Benjamin Walker has portrayed a radical interpretation of a former president. He starred in the Broadway musical Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, which turned Old Hickory into an eyeliner wearing, angst-ridden rock star. Walker is decent enough, but the leaden material saps him of any energy or charisma. Walker bears a strong resemblance to Liam Neeson and, in fact, played a younger version of him in Kinsey. Ironic since Neeson was once attached to star Lincoln in Spielberg's upcoming biopic. In line with Vampire Hunter's ultra-serious tone, the actors play it dour with the exception of Marton Csokas who hams it up as the murderous Jack Barts. The best performance goes to Rufus Sewell as the vampiric progenitor Adam.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter sounded like a wild concept. Then again, so did Snakes on a Plane and Hot Tub Time Machine, projects with a catchy title and that never panned out past their jokey premises.

Rating: ** (*****)

Wanted

Wanted - Dir. Timur Bekmambetov (2008)

Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is an office drone slaving away in a cubicle. His boss always yells at him and his girlfriend cheats on him with his best friend. His job is terrible, his life is terrible and he knows it. He just can´t or won´t do anything about it. If you couldn´t figure any of that out on your own, Wesley helpfully informs us through his Chuck Palahniuk-inspired narration. Wesley´s father ran out on him years ago and he´s never heard from him since. That is, until the sultry Fox (Angelina Jolie) drops into his life. She tells Wesley his father was one of the greatest assassins in the world and was just murdered on a rooftop. Wesley is inducted into a ancient order of killers known as The Fraternity who take their orders from the Loom of Fate which weaves the names of their targets into its cloth. "Kill one save a thousand," that´s their motto.

He meets the Fraternity´s leader, Sloan (Morgan Freeman), who helps Wesley realize his potential when he orders him to shoot the wings off a swarm of houseflies. Other members include The Gunsmith (Common), The Exterminator (Konstantin Khabensky), The Repairman (Marc Warren), and The Butcher (Dato Baktadze). I think The Baker and The Candlestick Maker are being saved for the sequel. Every member of the Fraternity has a heart that beats at extraordinary speeds giving them an adrenaline boost that allows them to perform superhuman feats. They can also curve the trajectories of their bullets. How? It´s all in the wrists.

Wesley´s assassin training consists of taking vicious beatings from his colleagues, shooting corpses strung up on meat hooks, and riding the roofs of Chicago´s elevated trains. The better to prepare him for the inevitable showdown against his father´s killer, a Fraternity turncoat named Cross (Thomas Kretschmann). That´s the plot in a nutshell. Sure, there are some twists and turns in the third act, but the story is incidental to the action. It´s as if the filmmakers came up with cool action sequences first and built the storyline around them. The first half of the film is Wesley´s training with the obligatory montage and a quick set of scenes following Wesley making his first kills. They might as well have just made Wanted entirely out of action montages set to Danny Elfman's pulse-pounding score.

The basic premise of the movie is completely ludicrous. We´re lead to believe that a small group of weavers a thousand years ago somehow discerned a secret code from the pattern in their cloth. How exactly did they do intel on their targets? They didn´t exactly have Google back then. And is the world of Wanted one without Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden? How does a secret society stay so secret when they´ve got members flying across skyscrapers, shooting it out in the middle of a crowded drug store, and evading swarms of police officers? While I´m all for, "It´s only a movie," but, come on, guys.

Director Timur Bekmambetov makes his American debut on Wanted after helming a pair of special effects blockbusters, Night Watch, and Day Watch, in his native Russia. Bekmambetov directs Wanted as if he were John Woo with A.D.D. after someone substituted his Ritalin for Jolt and Red Bull. Bekmambetov cribs heavily from The Matrix utilizing bullet time and making the simple act of a victim shot through the head an excruciatingly elaborate production. Bekmambetov dips into a deep bag of tricks to further spice things up. He uses freeze frames, slow motion, fast motion, zoom-ins, zoom-outs, fast forwards, and rewinds. Bullets strike each other in mid-shot and slick sports cars flip through the air like circus acrobats. Some moviegoers will be astonished at the eye candy while more conservative audience members will likely get a migraine. Throughout it all, Bekmambetov keeps a dark sense of humor. A man gets smashed in the face with the keyboard; the letters and a tooth break off to spell out an obscenity. A laser sighting dots a Hindi woman´s Bindi and a bullet is engraved with the word, "Goodbye."

As far as the acting goes, it´s better than you´d expect from a film like this. Much like Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton, James McAvoy appears to be an unlikely choice to anchor a big-budget comic book movie. Yet, he equates himself well though not as much as his contemporaries. McAvoy begins the film with the flabbergasted, deer in the headlights demeanor that you´d expect from the comic relief sidekick and not the action hero lead. But, the Scottish actor sports an almost flawless American accent and pulls off the transformation from nebbish pushover into buff killing machine. Angelina Jolie (she of the thick lips & spindly arms) plays up her image of steamy, sexpot as the tattooed, femme fatale Fox. She is everything a growing boy with raging hormones could want. The smoking hot, kick-ass fantasy girl you wished would drop into your life. When she kisses Wesley in front of his shrill ex-girlfriend, the guys in my theater cheered and hollered. And for those of you who thought they should have seen more when Ms. Jolie emerged from the water naked in Beowulf, you won´t be disappointed here.

Five years ago, I would have said it was impossible for an actor the caliber of Morgan Freeman to participate in such a profane and violent spectacle. Nowadays, the man seems content to appear in sentimental, crowd pleasers like The Bucket List and Evan Almighty, along with genre pictures like Wanted and the Batman franchise. As expected, he lends a bit of credibility to all the silliness and I did giggle like a schoolgirl when I heard Easy Reader curse up a Samuel L. Jackson storm. The filmmakers tried to throw the fanboys a bone with the casting of Terrence Stamp as the mysterious Pekwarsky. Like Freeman, Stamp brings a little extra gravitas to his miniscule part, but General Zod doesn´t get enough screen time and never makes anyone kneel before him.

Now, I switch into comic book geek mode. I pose the question, what is more preposterous? A hidden clan of assassins who take their orders from a giant sewing machine? Or a world where comic book super-villains actually exist and rule the world in secret after having defeated all the super-heroes in a massive war? The latter was the high concept premise of the original comic. Millar loosely based his creations on the rogues´ galleries of DC Comics to form an over-the-top, darkly humorous and nihilistic world.

Producers snatched up the rights before the first issue even came out and had the screenwriters behind 2 Fast 2 Furious and 3:10 To Yuma ditch the super-villain angle and go off in their own direction. I doubt Wanted would have benefited from a 100%, straight-on adaptation ala Sin City, but we´ve seen plenty of movies about assassins. The super-villain plot would have been more unique and given us far more outlandish characters compared to the dull, generic supporting cast of the film. Mr. X and the Repairman don´t compare to a poop monster made of the feces from the 666 most evil humans in history. Maybe mainstream audiences just weren´t ready for Johnny Two-Dicks, a mobster with an evil, talking penis. While I agree with toning down the sheer amorality of the comic, I believe the film lost some of the hook and the acerbic wit of the source material. We´ve had poor attempts at the post-modern comic book movie (Mystery Men, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Hancock), but I think Wanted could have been the one.

Films like Iron Man, Die Hard, and Terminator 2 have proven blockbuster action flicks can still be intelligent with heart and a sharp script. Wanted has no intelligence, heart or a sharp script. It is a loud, dumb action movie and sometimes that´s all I want. It might not be healthy, but I´ll pass on the filet mignon every once in a while for a Twinkie. Wanted is a Twinkie, a delicious, bloody, profane, bullet-riddled Twinkie. It´s a super-stylized, gun-toting guilty pleasure that´s not afraid to go for the hard R. It´s meant to attract the types of folks who love playing Grand Theft Auto. The action sequences were a helluva lot of fun and the movie appealed to my mentally deranged, inner child.

Rating: ***