Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - Dir. Timur Bekmambetov (2012)

Four score and seven ass kickings ago...

It says a lot about our education system when young children aren't taught pivotal moments in history such as when Abraham Lincoln killed all those vampires to end the Civil War or the time Adolf Hitler was gunned down by the guy who directed Hostel.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was conceived by Seth Grahame-Smith, who started a new literary mash-up trend with the hit novel Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. There, Grahame-Smith re-conceived the Bennett Sisters as a skilled fighting force against the undead. The book was quickly optioned by Lionsgate though it has been mired in development hell. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter made it to the screen first thanks to the involvement of Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov with the relatively unknown Benjamin Walker cast in the title role.

The film begins with Abe as a child witnessing his father protect he and his friend William Johnson from the whip of a vicious plantation owner named Jack Barts (Marton Csokas). It turns out Barts is a vampire and kills Nancy Lincoln (Robin McLeavy) in revenge. As an adult, Lincoln hunts Barts down, but is ill-prepared for his supernatural strength. He is saved from death by Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper), a benevolent vampire who makes Lincoln his axe-wielding apprentice. During his training, our 16^th President learns that the vampires have flourished in the South with slaves serving as a veritable smorgasbord. He ultimately decides to use a weapon even more powerful than silver or holy water…politics.

The appeal of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter isn't just seeing Lincoln dismember bloodsucking fiends, but the way in which it weaves fantastical elements with actual historical facts. Some of the most important figures in Lincoln's life are presented in fictionalized fashion. In Springfield, Illinois, Lincoln works in the general store of Joshua Speed (Jimmi Simpson) and is reunited with his childhood buddy William Johnson (Anthony Mackie). Both become his staunchest allies while campaigning and fighting vampires. He also falls in love with future wife, Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), despite Sturgess's warnings against personal relationships. Even Jefferson Davis (John Rothman) and Harriet Tubman (Jacqueline Fleming) figure into the narrative. Sadly, Lincoln's famous debates with Stephen Douglas (Alan Tudyk) are given only a fleeting amount of screen time. And it is at this point that the movie starts to die a slow and painfully boring death.

Grahame-Smith may be a talented novelist, but he has yet to display any consistency in his screenwriting endeavors. He impressed Burton enough to get writing duties on Dark Shadows and a possible Beetlejuice sequel. However, Dark Shadows was a box office flop that struggled to adapt a soap opera structure to a feature film. Grahame-Smith has the same problems translating his book. The middle section sags with a distinct lack of action and the overall tone is far too morbid for what should have been a campy cult classic. A few changes to the vampire mythology work well. The vampires' weakness to silver is tied into the 30 pieces of silver paid to Judas. One element that doesn't make a lot of sense is the fact that vampires cannot kill their own kind. It's a flimsy explanation for why Sturgess would take on Lincoln as a pupil when it didn't really need any explanation at all. Perhaps, the biggest problem with the movie is its tacky retconning of the Emancipation Proclamation. You see, President Lincoln didn't free the slaves out of an altruistic belief that all human beings deserve the basic right of freedom. It was to cut off the vampires' food supply.

Bekmambetov is no stranger to directing gothic, over-the-top action films having previously helmed Night Watch and Wanted. The set pieces here are underwhelming with such liberal use of slow motion that Zack Snyder would even scoff. Only two sequences make any impression. One features a Lion King-esque stampede in which Barts throws an entire horse at Lincoln. The final act sees Lincoln and friends battling an army of vampires on board a train racing towards a burning bridge. The visual look of the film leaves much to be desired and likely falls on the shoulders of post-production rather than cinematographer Caleb Deschanel. The colors are de-saturated and there's a murkiness to the night scenes that makes the 3D version an absolutely avoidable.

This isn't the first time Benjamin Walker has portrayed a radical interpretation of a former president. He starred in the Broadway musical Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, which turned Old Hickory into an eyeliner wearing, angst-ridden rock star. Walker is decent enough, but the leaden material saps him of any energy or charisma. Walker bears a strong resemblance to Liam Neeson and, in fact, played a younger version of him in Kinsey. Ironic since Neeson was once attached to star Lincoln in Spielberg's upcoming biopic. In line with Vampire Hunter's ultra-serious tone, the actors play it dour with the exception of Marton Csokas who hams it up as the murderous Jack Barts. The best performance goes to Rufus Sewell as the vampiric progenitor Adam.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter sounded like a wild concept. Then again, so did Snakes on a Plane and Hot Tub Time Machine, projects with a catchy title and that never panned out past their jokey premises.

Rating: ** (*****)

The Tourist

The Tourist - Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (2010)

The Tourist is the kind of film that Hollywood used to make decades ago. This is the kind of film reserved for stars like Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, Audrey Hepburn, and Grace Kelly. It's all about beautiful people doing beautiful things in beautiful places. A remake of the French film, Anthony Zimmer, The Tourist has the makings of a surefire with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie in the lead. The director is Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck whose previous picture, the sublime Lives of Others, won an Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film in 2006. Donnersmarck was one of three credited writers along with Christopher McQuarrie and Julian Fellowes, both are also Oscar winners, the former for The Usual Suspects and the latter for Gosford Park. Surprisingly, the A-list cast and high caliber creative team hardly delivers the masterpiece one would expect.

Johnny Depp plays the vacationing Frank Tupelo, an unassuming math teacher from Wisconsin. That's going to take a while to sink into your head because I doubt there are many math teachers out there who look like Johnny Depp. Hell, I doubt there is anybody from Wisconsin who looks like Johnny Depp. Anyways, while riding the train to Venice, Frank meets the exceedingly gorgeous and glamorous Elise (Jolie). Despite the enormous gap in social strata, they hit it off and Elise asks Frank to tag along as she rides the canals to her ritzy hotel. Unbeknownst to Frank, Elise is the lover of an international fugitive by the name of Alexander Pearce whose face is unknown due to extensive plastic surgery. Scotland Yard has been after Pearce and so has a notorious gangster named Reginald Shaw (Steven Berkoff). To throw his adversaries off the trail, Pearce tells Elise to pick some fool to act as a decoy. This leads to poor Frank (in his pajamas) being chased across the rooftops of Venice by gun-toting thugs.

The main cast also includes Paul Bettany as a dogged Inspector on Pearce's trail, Timothy Dalton as his supervisor, and Rufus Sewell as a mysterious fellow following Frank and Elise.

Johnny Depp has proven to be an incredibly versatile actor with his best roles being his most eccentric. Jack Sparrow, Ed Wood, Willy Wonka, and Sweeney Todd are all outlandish characters that Depp has brought his own flair to. Here, Depp is simply called upon to play it as low-key as possible, perhaps, a little too low-key. He alternately appears bored and downright narcoleptic. The strongest emotion Depp summons is annoyed bemusement. Jolie is given an equally undemanding role, one where all she has to do is look good in a slinky dress with her lips painted red. Donnersmarck takes every opportunity to shoot Jolie against the exotic Italian locales. Meanwhile, Steven Berkoff steals the movie right from under his more well-known co-stars. Berkoff will probably be remembered as the villain with a funny accent in just about every 80's action movie. Think Octopussy, Beverly Hills Cop (Victor Maitland~!), and Rambo: First Blood, Part II. Surprise, surprise, Berkoff once again plays the villain with a funny accent. He's a special brand of evil, a guy who surrounds himself with hard-ass Russian henchmen and strangles a man while getting a suit tailored.

The Tourist is a lightweight romp that recalls classic pictures like William Wyler's Roman Holiday, and Stanley Donen's Charade. On the surface, it resembles Hitchcock's North by Northwest and To Catch a Thief with its globe-trotting adventure of mistaken identity. However, The Tourist has none of the suspense and rests far too much on the shoulders of its stars. A predictable last minute twist doesn't make a lick of sense if you think about it for more than ten seconds.

Rating: ** (*****)