A Haunted House 2

A Haunted House 2 – Dir. Michael Tiddes (2014)

It's the sequel to a movie nobody asked for in the first place.

Marlon Wayans and his many brothers kicked off the Scary Movie franchise, which parodied horror movies using Scream as its spine. They departed from the series after the second movie. In 2013, Wayans struck out on his own with A Haunted House, a parody of the found footage genre, specifically Paranormal Activity. Despite being ravaged by critics, the film earned $60 million worldwide off a modest budget of #$2.5 million. If you know Hollywood, you know they'll jump on anything that makes a modicum of money. Hence, we have the inexplicable existence of A Haunted House 2.

For those of you who missed the original picture, Malcolm Johnson (Wayans) moves into a new home with his girlfriend Kisha Davis (Essence Atkins) only for the loving couple to suffer a string of supernatural phenomena. Part 2 begins right where they left off with Malcolm and his cousin Ray-Ray (Affion Crockett) attempting to drive a possessed Kisha to the hospital. They are struck by a passing vehicle and flee the scene leaving behind the unresponsive Kisha.

One year later, Malcolm has a new wife and a new house. He is now married to Megan (Jaime Pressly) and serves as stepfather to her two children, Becky (Ashley Rickards) and Wyatt (Steele Stebbins). Becky, like most teenage girls, is sullen and disrespectful to her mom's new husband. Wyatt is an odd boy who speaks to an invisible friend named Tony just as Danny did in The Shining. Only in this case, Wyatt's Tony is black and enjoys profanity and vodka.

Malcolm finds that Wyatt's behavior isn't the only thing strange going on in his life. The previous homeowners left behind a few objects including a creepy doll named Abigail, some disturbing reels of 16mm film, and a smelly antique box that fascinates Becky. Malcolm quickly discovers that the evil that plagued him before has followed him.

Wayans once again assumes multiple duties as star, co-writer, and producer for A Haunted House 2. He barely had enough material for one movie, let alone two. Wayans relies almost entirely on lazy references to recent horror flicks such as The Conjuring, The Possession, The Last Exorcism, and Sinister. The rest of his jokes usually involve racial stereotypes and name dropping celebrities (the Kardashians, Kanye West, etc.). Wayans blatantly pads out the running time by prolonging his already unfunny gags. The sight of a bare-assed Wayans having intercourse with the doll will be burned into your memory as the scene is stretching beyond any reasonable length. The joke continues to draw zero guffaws when the doll begins sending Malcolm gross selfies on his phone.

The sequel does have a stronger supporting cast than its predecessor, which makes it all the more disappointing when the film does nothing with them. Jaime Pressly can be very funny as evidenced by her time on My Name is Earl, but her character is rendered as nothing more than as an emasculating harpy. At least, she's gorgeous to look at. Cedric the Entertainer returns as the volatile Father Doug with Gabriel Iglesias as Malcolm's neighbor. Both are talented comedians who fail to inject humor in the puerile material. Hayes MacArthur and Missi Pyle are equally wasted as paranormal investigators modeled after Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga in The Conjuring. Wayans himself simply mugs for the camera, screeching and yammering every chance he gets. The only actor in the movie to garner an iota of amusement is Rick Overton as a paranormal scholar who cooks meth on the side.

Rating: * (*****)

The Heat

The Heat - Dir. Paul Feig (2013)

The Heat opens promisingly enough with a retro title sequence set to “Fight the Power (Part 1 & 2)” by The Isley Brothers. The groovy 70’s vibe instantly recalls classic buddy movies like Freebie & The Bean or Hickey & Boggs. Sadly, The Heat doesn’t even muster up to the level of Tango & Cash though it is a damn sight better than Cop and a Half.

Director Paul Feig follows up the immensely successful Bridesmaids by reuniting with Melissa McCarthy whose status has skyrocketed since then. McCarthy is Shannon Mullins, a tough detective in the Boston PD who has ruffled everyone’s feathers with her profane and tactless behavior. Even Mullins’ own family, who might be at home drinking with the Ward clan from The Fighter, doesn’t like her after she arrested her loser brother Jason (Michael Rappaport). Into her life saunters FBI Agent Sarah Ashburn whose own condescending, type-A personality has alienated her within the bureau in spite of her brilliant investigative mind. Mullins and Ashburn are reluctantly paired together to investigate a mysterious new drug lord who has emerged onto the scene.

The buddy cop film has largely been a male-dominated domain so a female version would have been an interesting twist. But, The Heat brings nothing new to the genre and lacks the wit and inventiveness of The Other Guys or 21 Jump Street. It seems as if screenwriter Katie Dippold (Mad TV, Parks & Recreation) did absolutely no research into how actual police work is done. The story is formulaic and disjointed with no real sense of suspense or stakes. The Heat hinges entirely on the chemistry of its two leads.

For the most part, Bullock and McCarthy rise above the second rate material they were handed. At first, their relationship is defined by sitcom contrivances. Mullins is uncouth and slovenly while Ashburn is uptight and conservative. One would rather use psychology when interrogating a suspect, the other throws a phone book at his face. That's about as subtle as The Heat gets. The film's funniest moments are clearly the scenes where McCarthy is allowed to run wild and go off script. She lobs hilarious tirades at an albino DEA agent (one of the movie's only absurdist gags) and a put-upon precinct captain played by former Back to the Future bully Thomas F. Wilson ("Has anyone seen the captain's balls?"). This is certainly a better vehicle for her than Identity Thief. Bullock has done the stiff authority figure (The Proposal) and the maverick cop (Miss Congeniality) before and equates herself well as the straight woman.

Feig doesn't have the firmest grip on action, but he knows how to fill out his supporting cast with a wealth of unique comedians. Only Feig would be inspired enough to cast Michael McDonald (Mad TV and Cougar Town) and stand-up comic Adam Ray as drug dealers. Mullins' brash Boston brood consists of Bill Burr, an underutilized Jane Curtin, and former New Kid on the Block Joey McIntyre. Tony Hale from Arrested Development has a funny turn as a husband trolling for prostitutes that gets taught a tough lesson by Mullins. Although, one has to wonder what the heck Oscar nominee Damián Bichir is doing in a nothing role as Ashburn's superior.

Imagine the movie that could have been had someone given the lead actresses a script more inventive and witty. As it stands, The Heat is mildly amusing and only recommended for the ardent fan of Bullock and McCarthy.

Rating: ** (*****)

A Haunted House

A Haunted House - Dir. Michael Tiddes (2013)

Although you can trace the origins of the found footage genre back to 1980’s Cannibal Holocaust, it was 1999’s The Blair Witch Project that brought it into modern consciousness. There’s been a resurgence of the genre following the runaway success of the Paranormal Activity films. With that success comes a host of imitators and parodies, beginning with the direct-to-video 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. One of the most prominent horror spoofs has been the Scary Movie franchise, which was shepherded by the Wayans Brothers. They departed after two films and were replaced by David Zucker, no stranger to parodies since he also directed Airplane and The Naked Gun. The Weinstein Company is resurrecting the Scary Movie brand after seven years with a fifth installment coming to theaters in April. Meanwhile, Marlon Wayans, an original star and co-writer of Scary Movie, has branched out with his own horror-comedy, A Haunted House, which hit theaters in January and arrives on DVD and Blu-ray shortly after the release of its competitor.

Malcolm Johnson (Wayans) is extremely excited to have his girlfriend, Keisha (Essence Atkins), move into his handsome suburban home. However, things go wrong immediately when she accidentally runs over Malcolm’s beloved dog. It only gets worse when spooky events start to occur, from doors and objects moving by themselves to ghostly moans in the middle of the night. Keisha sheepishly admits that she sold her soul to a demon for a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes and may have brought the supernatural presence with her. Together, they seek help from a variety of sources, including a pair of security experts (David Koechner and Dave Sheridan) filming their own reality series, an overly intimate psychic (Nick Swardson), Malcolm’s gangsta cousin Ray-Ray (Affion Crockett), and a priest (Cedric the Entertainer) with dubious credentials.

Marlon Wayans intended A Haunted House to be a humorous look at how black people would react to supernatural circumstances in the place of white folk. Too bad Eddie Murphy already did that gag in his classic stand-up special Delirious. Not to mention Murphy's joke was far funnier and only a couple minutes long. A Haunted House is excruciatingly dull and it's almost half an hour into the movie before the ghost story kicks into gear. One of the criticisms levied against Paranormal Activity was the thin plot and the plot is even thinner here. Really, it's a one joke premise. As soon as the furniture is thrown around, get the hell out of the house. That's exactly what Malcolm tries to do, but then the movie would be blessedly over. Instead, he and Keisha stick around, forcing us to endure a steady string of fart jokes and dated references to Snakes on a Plane and the Shake Weight.

Wayans seems to think flashing his bare ass is hilarious and does so on several occasions such as when he drunkenly defecates in the middle of the living room and when he gets sodomized by an invisible spirit. A Haunted House also loves playing up stereotypes from a Mexican housekeeper who seemingly can't speak English to Nick Swardson's swishy psychic who is constantly trying to fondle Malcolm because that's what all gay guys do.

Admittedly, there are some amusing moments. One scene finds Malcolm and Keisha calmly eating breakfast completely ignoring the poltergeist wreaking havoc on their kitchen. A Haunted House might have worked as a series of short skits. As it stands, it's nothing more than a lazy, lowbrow spoof.

Rating: * (*****)

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009) - Dir. Stephen Sommers

Paramount has had Hasbro’s two main toy properties in their development slate for years. Strangely enough, Transformers beat the Joes to the multiplexes. You’d think a movie about an elite team of soldiers would make a better live-action film than one about giant robots from outer space. In any event, Transformers, infused by an injection of Michael Bay powered explosions and visual effects, did gangbusters at the box office, fast tracking G.I. Joe. The Joe screenplay went through several hands including the first draft by David Elliot and Paul Lovett (Four Brothers), a draft from Skip Woods (Swordfish) which completely omitted Cobra, and a version by Stuart Beattie which combined both scripts. Fans of the franchise were obviously skeptical especially when producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura (concerned with overseas box office) announced that he would change G.I. Joe from an American military unit to an international task force based in Belgium. Also, for some reason, he had a massive hard-on for Action Man, a British knock-off of the original 12inch G.I. Joe dolls. He once envisioned the Joe film as a buddy picture between Duke and Action Man.

But, Paramount won some over with the casting of fan-favorite Ray Park as the silent ninja commando, Snake-Eyes, and bringing on Larry Hama as a creative consultant. Hama, a former Vietnam Vet and Marvel Comics writer, came up with the Joes vs. Cobra concept, wrote the entire run of Marvel’s G.I. Joe comic as well as all the file cards on the back of the toy packages. Joe devotees owe Hama a debt of gratitude as he convinced the filmmakers to cut a scene where Snake-Eyes would actually speak. Alas, that’s about the only good thing I can say about Rise of Cobra.

The film manages to cull material from the vast mythology of G.I. Joe while inventing their own plot points to flesh out their big budget production. It is essentially an origin story, not for the Joes (who are already in operation), but of Cobra, the ruthless terrorist organization bent on world domination.

Warning: Spoilers Ahead.

Rise of Cobra begins well enough in the 17th Century with Scottish Lord James McCullen punished by the French for selling weapons to both sides of combatants. Flash forward to "the not so distant future," where his descendent also named James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) is now head of MARS Industries, a weapons manufacturer. Unlike Tony Stark, McCullen has no qualms about building devices of destruction. By the way, did we really need the "not so distant future" title? Because this movie would have been so hard to believe if we were told it took place today. But, I digress…

McCullen’s latest inventions are microscopic robots called Nano-Mites, which can devour anything made of metal. A team of American soldiers led by Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are tasked with transporting the Nano-Mites until they are ambushed by the Baroness (Sienna Miller). Duke and Ripcord are rescued by a G.I. Joe team consisting of Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje from Oz and Lost), and Breaker (Said Taghmaoui). The Joes no longer wear their own individualistic uniforms from the cartoon. Instead, they are clad in the same generic black body armor that everybody has worn since X-Men. Our heroes tag along with the Joes to their secret headquarters under the Sahara desert to meet their commanding officer, General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Duke and Ripcord go through the usual cheesy training montage to become members of the Joe team. The bad guys attack Joe HQ and steal the nanotechnology, leading to a series of nonsensical action sequences through the streets of Paris to the Arctic Circle.

Little references are spread throughout as Easter eggs for long-time fans such as lines like "life-like hair and kung-fu grip" and "knowing is half the battle." Watch for some cameos too including Brendan Fraser as Sgt. Stone (don’t know why they didn’t just go with Flint). And was that Jinx I saw?

I will say this about Rise of Cobra, the B-story involving Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow is one of the few shining lights in an otherwise idiotic production. Their rivalry, which began with the murder of their teacher the Hard Master, is captured rather accurately from the comics. Korean actor Lee Byung-hun is really cool as Storm Shadow and he and Ray Park put on some great fight scenes. At first glance, Snake-Eyes’ costume looks dead-on from the cartoon, but seeing it on the big screen and in action, it just looks off. Slacks and a molded bodysuit don’t quite work and neither does the mouth on his mask. I also didn’t like how they revamped Snake-Eyes from a wounded soldier to an abandoned orphan who took a vow of silence.

Of all the characters they managed to butcher, the one who took the brunt of the punishment is the Baroness. Cobra’s resident bespectacled femme fatale retains her skin-tight leather outfit, but ditches the ‘Moose and squirrel’ accent along with everything else that was even remotely interesting about her. Sienna Miller may look hot in the costume, but she’s completely vanilla in the role. This is, in no small way, due to the fact that they turned her from bad girl to good girl under mind control. She’s also given a clunky backstory as Duke’s jilted fiancée. Flashbacks revealing her history as well as that of Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow are clumsily dropped into the middle of the action throughout the film. And don’t get me started on the abomination known as Rex/The Doctor/Cobra Commander. Once a megalomaniacal terrorist leader, he is transformed into a disfigured mad scientist who eventually hides his scarred visage with a mask made out of clear plastic. Rounding out the Cobra roster is Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) whose master of disguise skills consists entirely of putting on somebody else’s clothes.

On the Joes side, only Snake-Eyes manages to crawl out of the epic levels of sucktitude that drags down his comrades. Channing Tatum may be a good-looking, All-American man, but he’s a complete vacuum of charisma. His Duke isn’t the confident field leader of the Joes, but a rookie who leaps into action with a Mark Wahlberg-like blank expression on his face. Marlon Wayans fills the ubiquitous role of wacky black guy/comic relief sidekick and annoys everyone with his lame attempts at humor. He fell down…haha…how original. As Scarlett, Rachel Nichols is there for pure cheesecake. Her combat gear features molded boobies and she later changes into camouflage that is inexplicably zipped down to show off a generous amount of cleavage. Dennis Quaid’s attempt at the square-jawed alpha male is laughable and the other two guys (Breaker and Heavy Duty aka Not-Roadblock) are the token minorities.

Any attempts at emotional turmoil or character development are downright embarrassing. However, the main attraction is the action which is taken to ridiculous levels. These are the type of "toy-etic" levels not seen since Batman & Robin. The Paris sequence is like something about of Team America. I almost thought the film had veered into brilliant self-parody at this point until I realized Stephen Sommers isn’t that talented. Duke and Ripcord are strapped into Accelerator Suits that look like knock-offs from Halo and run rough shot through the Parisian streets. The Joes show no sign of concern for collateral damage or for the safety of any innocent civilians, dealing out just as much destruction as their adversaries. They rip right through a tram full of commuters, sending shards of glass flying in every direction. A pair of missiles is shot right at them. Do they try to stop them? Nope, they keep on running and the missiles continue on and probably killed a hundred people. The film’s climax features an underwater battle inspired by Thunderball, but owes more to The Phantom Menace in the sense that it’s nothing more than a series of random events and visual noise.

The special effects are absolutely horrendous and appear to be done by the same, inept artists who worked on Wolverine. The CGI is obvious to even the blind and don’t even look finished. Surprising, considering the film cost nearly $200 million.

I’m being awfully generous in my rating for this awful movie. It’s a loud, dumb action movie set to a shitty hip-hop soundtrack, but it’s not nearly as obnoxiously overblown or bloated as Revenge of the Fallen. At least, Rise of Cobra knows when to get in and get out. However, films like Iron Man have proven that big-budget blockbusters and intelligent storytelling don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Rise of Cobra chooses to appeal to the lowest common denominator in its efforts to be crowd pleasing to every demographic. The results embody the absolute worst elements of the summer blockbuster.

Rating: **