A Million Ways to Die in the West

A Million Ways to Die in the West - Dir. Seth MacFarlane (2014)

The ubiquitous Seth MacFarlane has branched out far beyond his animated empire of Family Guy, American Dad, and the recently cancelled Cleveland Show. He's the closest thing we have these days to an old-fashioned song and dance man. He's hosted the Oscars, performed a concert tour, released a jazz album, and even executive produced the educational science series Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey. In 2012, MacFarlane wrote and directed his first feature film, Ted, the story about a man and a talking teddy bear who has long worn out his welcome. MacFarlane also performed the voice work and motion capture for the titular Ted. For his second feature, A Million Ways to Die in the West, we get MacFarlane in all his live-action glory as meek sheep farmer Albert Stark.

It's the year 1882 and Stark lives in the little town of Old Stump. He spends most of his time bemoaning how just about everything can kill you in the Wild West, from wild animals to unsanitary medical care. The most dangerous of all just might be murderous gunfighters. Albert is a sheep farmer and a pretty lousy one at that. His flock is scattered all over the place and when one of them grazes on another man's property, Albert is challenged to a showdown. Albert chickens out, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried), who promptly for Foy (Neil Patrick Harris), the proprietor of the local Moustachery.

Albert thinks about packing it up and moving to San Francisco when he meets the gorgeous Anna (Charlize Theron). Both of them share a common disdain for everything dirty and backwards about the West. Anna also teaches Albert how to shoot a gun in order to challenge Foy and win back the fickle heart of Louise. Unfortunately, it turns out Anna is married to Clinch Leatherwood (Liam Neeson), a notorious outlaw who doesn't like anyone making moves with his wife.

A Million Ways to Die in the West wears its influences on its sleeve. Naturally, MacFarlane shoots quite a bit in Monument Valley, the gorgeous setting for so many classic John Ford Westerns. There's a nod to Terror in Tiny Town, an infamous 1938 movie starring an entire cast of little people and a lively dance number honoring facial hair that recalls Oklahoma. Of course, as a Western comedy, A Million Ways to Die in the West is cut from the same cloth as Blazing Saddles. Whereas Mel Brooks chose to do one long fart joke during the campfire sequence, MacFarlane spreads his flatulent humor throughout the film. And while Brooks was focused on race relations, MacFarlane takes a decidedly de-romanticized look at the Old West. He borrows the fish out of water aspect from Paleface and Son of Paleface starring Bob Hope. If you've watched Family Guy, then you'll know MacFarlane's reverence for hook nosed comedian thanks to the "Road to…" episodes with Stewie and Brian as Hope and Bing Crosby.

Albert makes numerous anachronistic observations about the time period. He looks at the violence and disease through modern eyes. He's reminiscent of Frank Grimes, the tightly wound character driven mad by the absurdity of The Simpsons. Sure, MacFarlane is a bit one-note in the lead, but he makes it work with his wry observations and off-the-cuff non sequiturs. Luckily, Million Ways has itself a terrific supporting cast with Neil Patrick Harris really asserting himself in the role of an annoying fop. Sarah Silverman is perfectly cast as Ruth, the proverbial hooker with the heart of gold, but with a twist. Silverman made a name for herself on the stand-up circuit with bawdy material that belied that sweet, pixie voice. Here, she's a prostitute openly engaged in outlandish sexual acts, yet she's in a chaste relationship with Albert's best friend, the virginal Edward (Giovanni Ribisi).

There are cameos galore in Million Ways. Blink and you might miss Ewan McGregor, Ryan Reynolds or Kaley Cuoco. Being set in the 1800's means MacFarlane can't rely on his usual arsenal of pop culture references. His one indulgence is the appearance of a certain time-traveling doctor and not the one who rides around in a police box.

Rating: *** (*****)

Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD - Dir. John Gulager (2012)

In 1978, Roger Corman's New World Pictures released the original Piranha, which was a Jaws knockoff directed by B-movie maven Joe Dante from a script by indie auteur John Sayles. It was an enjoyable exploitation movie with its tongue firmly planted in cheek. Piranha spawned a 1981 sequel only notable because it marked the directorial debut of James Cameron as well as a 1995 Showtime remake starring a then-unknown Mila Kunis. Alexandre Aja brought the man-eating fish back with a vengeance in 2010 with Piranha 3D. The remake was surprisingly entertaining as it reveled in its tackiness with projectile vomit flying out of the screen. Piranha 3D may have been well-made trash, but its sequel Piranha 3DD is just plain trash.

A year after the horrific events of Piranha 3D, Lake Victoria is a ghost town following a massive attack on spring breakers by an undiscovered species of prehistoric piranha. The military embarked on a widespread eradication of the deadly fish and the threat has been seemingly neutralized. Meanwhile, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), a marine biology student, has returned home to nearby Merkin, Arizona for the summer. She is shocked when her sleazy stepfather, Chet (David Koechner), has transformed her late-mother's water park into a hedonistic hotspot. Chet has replaced lifeguards with "water-certified" strippers and a "Cooch-Cam" that displays close-ups of the female anatomy as they exit the pool. He's also illegally tapped into an underground river to avoid paying bills to the water company. Guess how the piranhas get into the park?

Piranha 3DD treads water for its first two acts, which feel interminable in spite of a length that's barely 80 minutes, not counting end credits. There's an occasional piranha attack though most of the screen time is dedicated to Maddy reconnecting with her old friends, the slutty Ashley (Meagan Tandy) and the virginal Shelby (Katrina Bowden). There's also a love triangle between the heroine and her ex-boyfriend Kyle (Chris Zylka), a meathead sheriff's deputy, and the nerdy Barry (Matt Bush), who's had a crush on Maddy since childhood. Once the thin attempts at character development are dispensed with, it's finally time for the bloodbath.

Say what you will about Alexandre Aja, but at least he directed Piranha 3D with a stylish flair. The violence of the sequel just doesn't match up to the previous film in terms of scope or skill. The body count is much less and the kills aren't nearly as inventive. John Gulager, who also directed the Feast trilogy, seems content to rehash gags rather than come up with anything new. A prologue involving Gary Busey and a dead cow that farts out piranha eggs doesn't match up to the previous opening with Richard Dreyfuss. Other lowbrow sequences include a piranha lodged up someone's rectum and another swimming out of a girl's vagina to chomp down on her lover's penis. We also get the lovely image of a decapitated head motorboating a pair of naked breasts. Speaking of which, Gulager gleefully dishes out a heaping helping of nudity. Buxom bikini-clad babes lose their tops and jiggle their bountiful bosoms in slow motion. One pair of bouncing boobs belongs to David Hasselhoff.

The former Baywatch star plays himself in the third act as the C-list celebrity hired to host the grand opening of Chet's Big Wet water park. Hasselhoff has found new life as a self-parody and adds direly needed humor. In a running gag, hapless patrons plead for his assistance as they truly believe him to be a trained lifeguard. The Hoff is one of the few enjoyable elements in Piranha 3DD, along with returning cast members Christopher Lloyd, Paul Scheer, and Ving Rhames. Lloyd once again brings his bug-eyed Doc Brown act as a slightly loopy ichthyologist. Rhames is back as the traumatized Deputy Fallon, who lost his legs in the last feeding frenzy. Luckily, he's now in possession of titanium crutches equipped with shotguns. He also gets two of the movie's best lines: "Fish ate my damn legs" and "I ain't afraid of no punk ass water." As for the rest of the cast, they perform their duties adequately though there isn't enough Katrina Bowden for my tastes. Danielle Panabaker deserves better roles, but has carved a niche as a young scream queen with appearances here and in the remakes of The Crazies and Friday the 13^th.

Piranha 3D was a guilty pleasure that turned the dial up to 11 when it comes to gore and raunchiness. Dipping into the pool a second time was a bad decision. As expected with a title like Piranha 3DD, the sequel gives you bigger breasts, but not a bigger and better film.

Rating: * (*****)

Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D - Dir. Alexandre Aja (2010)


Piranha 3D is one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen. It’s ridiculous, crude, and completely lacking in any redeeming values. I loved it.

The original Piranha was produced by schlock-master Roger Corman whose New World Pictures pumped out dozens of cult classics like Death Race 2000, Rock ‘n Roll High School, and Slumber Party Massacre. Released in 1978, Piranha was both a rip-off and a parody of Jaws and featured the first credited work from filmmakers Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling) and John Sayles (Lone Star). An unrelated sequel, Piranha II: The Spawning, was released three years later and is only notable for being the first film directed by James Cameron.

The first Piranha was a pure B-movie through and through and so is the remake. Piranha 3D opens with a quickie cameo by Richard Dreyfuss as he reprises his role as Matt Hooper from Jaws. The scene pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Spring break is upon us and the small town of Lake Victoria (a fictionalized version of Lake Havasu where the film was actually shot) is preparing for the worst. The picturesque spot is invaded by a ravenous swarm of creatures straight out of your nightmares. I’m speaking of drunken college kids. Douchebag frat boys and slutty sorority sisters are everywhere and it is up to Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames to keep the peace. Shue plays Julie Forester, the town’s tough sheriff and a single mom with Rhames as the hard-assed Deputy Fallon.

Julie’s son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen, grandson of THE Steve McQueen), is a nice kid with an unrequited crush on the virtuous Kelly (Jessica Szohr) who would rather hang out with her jerkass jock boyfriend. He’s supposed to be babysitting his younger siblings, but takes a job as tour guide for the utterly obnoxious Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) who is there to shoot Girls Gone Wild-style videos. Of course, the two blonde-haired moppets wander off and wind up stranded on a rock in the middle of the lake.

An earthquake opens up a fissure underwater that releases a host of hungry prehistoric piranha into the lake. The townsfolk and vacationers have no clue until it is too late.

Much like its progenitor, Piranha 3D is absolutely a B-movie and has everything you expect from a B-movie. I’m speaking of blood and boobs. The spring break bacchanalia is in full swing as buxom bikini-clad babes pull off their tops and let their ample assets loose. In a shamelessly gratuitous sequence, voluptuous cover girl Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steele (I swear I only know that because of Google) perform a fully nude underwater ballet to “The Flower Duet” from the French opera, Lakmé.

When the piranhas finally chow down, it turns into a Grand Guignol. The lake turns red as it is awash with copious amounts of blood. The death scenes come quick with each one as gruesome as the next. Director Alexandre Aja is no stranger to gore having also helmed High Tension and the remake of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes. Bodies are literally consumed to the bone. A topless parasailer is lifted out of the water after her legs have been eaten away to gnarled stumps. Another girl gets her hair caught in a propeller leading to her scalp and face ripped off. Eli Roth makes a brief cameo as the sleazy emcee of a wet t-shirt contest and meets with an appropriately violent death. When Aja surveys the carnage, the lake is littered with carcasses in a visual reference to Saving Private Ryan.

The film stays firmly within genre conventions as the wholesome heroes survive with their limbs intact. The hedonistic hordes indulging in sex, drugs, and alcohol meet their ends at the sharp teeth of carnivorous fish. Despite warnings from the local constabulary, they continue their drunken revelry and pay the price for their stupidity.

Piranha was shot in 2D and converted to 3D in post-production. It certainly looks better than other converted movies like Clash of the Titans and Last Airbender. Most of the underwater scenes are dark and murky and the glasses make them even more dark and murky. The CG piranhas are also pretty crappy looking. On the positive side, Aja indulges in the gimmickry of 3D. Bare breasts and projective vomit fly at the screen.

As for the acting, nobody tries too hard, but they don’t need to. The supporting cast is made mostly of unknowns and porn stars with the lead actors carrying the weight. O’Connell is hilarious as the excessively sleazy peddler of softcore porn. His character and his manhood meet with justifiably violent ends. Adam Scott is cast against type as a heroic scientist while Christopher Lloyd is in full on Doc Brown mode as a crazy eyed fish expert. Oh, and Elisabeth Shue is way hot.

Piranha 3D is pure lowbrow exploitation cinema. However, it has no pretensions of being anything more.

Rating: ***