Piranha 3D is one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen. It’s ridiculous, crude, and completely lacking in any redeeming values. I loved it.
The original Piranha was produced by schlock-master Roger Corman whose New World Pictures pumped out dozens of cult classics like Death Race 2000, Rock ‘n Roll High School, and Slumber Party Massacre. Released in 1978, Piranha was both a rip-off and a parody of Jaws and featured the first credited work from filmmakers Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling) and John Sayles (Lone Star). An unrelated sequel, Piranha II: The Spawning, was released three years later and is only notable for being the first film directed by James Cameron.
The first Piranha was a pure B-movie through and through and so is the remake. Piranha 3D opens with a quickie cameo by Richard Dreyfuss as he reprises his role as Matt Hooper from Jaws. The scene pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Spring break is upon us and the small town of Lake Victoria (a fictionalized version of Lake Havasu where the film was actually shot) is preparing for the worst. The picturesque spot is invaded by a ravenous swarm of creatures straight out of your nightmares. I’m speaking of drunken college kids. Douchebag frat boys and slutty sorority sisters are everywhere and it is up to Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames to keep the peace. Shue plays Julie Forester, the town’s tough sheriff and a single mom with Rhames as the hard-assed Deputy Fallon.
Julie’s son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen, grandson of THE Steve McQueen), is a nice kid with an unrequited crush on the virtuous Kelly (Jessica Szohr) who would rather hang out with her jerkass jock boyfriend. He’s supposed to be babysitting his younger siblings, but takes a job as tour guide for the utterly obnoxious Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) who is there to shoot Girls Gone Wild-style videos. Of course, the two blonde-haired moppets wander off and wind up stranded on a rock in the middle of the lake.
An earthquake opens up a fissure underwater that releases a host of hungry prehistoric piranha into the lake. The townsfolk and vacationers have no clue until it is too late.
Much like its progenitor, Piranha 3D is absolutely a B-movie and has everything you expect from a B-movie. I’m speaking of blood and boobs. The spring break bacchanalia is in full swing as buxom bikini-clad babes pull off their tops and let their ample assets loose. In a shamelessly gratuitous sequence, voluptuous cover girl Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steele (I swear I only know that because of Google) perform a fully nude underwater ballet to “The Flower Duet” from the French opera, Lakmé.
When the piranhas finally chow down, it turns into a Grand Guignol. The lake turns red as it is awash with copious amounts of blood. The death scenes come quick with each one as gruesome as the next. Director Alexandre Aja is no stranger to gore having also helmed High Tension and the remake of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes. Bodies are literally consumed to the bone. A topless parasailer is lifted out of the water after her legs have been eaten away to gnarled stumps. Another girl gets her hair caught in a propeller leading to her scalp and face ripped off. Eli Roth makes a brief cameo as the sleazy emcee of a wet t-shirt contest and meets with an appropriately violent death. When Aja surveys the carnage, the lake is littered with carcasses in a visual reference to Saving Private Ryan.
The film stays firmly within genre conventions as the wholesome heroes survive with their limbs intact. The hedonistic hordes indulging in sex, drugs, and alcohol meet their ends at the sharp teeth of carnivorous fish. Despite warnings from the local constabulary, they continue their drunken revelry and pay the price for their stupidity.
Piranha was shot in 2D and converted to 3D in post-production. It certainly looks better than other converted movies like Clash of the Titans and Last Airbender. Most of the underwater scenes are dark and murky and the glasses make them even more dark and murky. The CG piranhas are also pretty crappy looking. On the positive side, Aja indulges in the gimmickry of 3D. Bare breasts and projective vomit fly at the screen.
As for the acting, nobody tries too hard, but they don’t need to. The supporting cast is made mostly of unknowns and porn stars with the lead actors carrying the weight. O’Connell is hilarious as the excessively sleazy peddler of softcore porn. His character and his manhood meet with justifiably violent ends. Adam Scott is cast against type as a heroic scientist while Christopher Lloyd is in full on Doc Brown mode as a crazy eyed fish expert. Oh, and Elisabeth Shue is way hot.
Piranha 3D is pure lowbrow exploitation cinema. However, it has no pretensions of being anything more.
Rating: ***
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