Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD - Dir. John Gulager (2012)

In 1978, Roger Corman's New World Pictures released the original Piranha, which was a Jaws knockoff directed by B-movie maven Joe Dante from a script by indie auteur John Sayles. It was an enjoyable exploitation movie with its tongue firmly planted in cheek. Piranha spawned a 1981 sequel only notable because it marked the directorial debut of James Cameron as well as a 1995 Showtime remake starring a then-unknown Mila Kunis. Alexandre Aja brought the man-eating fish back with a vengeance in 2010 with Piranha 3D. The remake was surprisingly entertaining as it reveled in its tackiness with projectile vomit flying out of the screen. Piranha 3D may have been well-made trash, but its sequel Piranha 3DD is just plain trash.

A year after the horrific events of Piranha 3D, Lake Victoria is a ghost town following a massive attack on spring breakers by an undiscovered species of prehistoric piranha. The military embarked on a widespread eradication of the deadly fish and the threat has been seemingly neutralized. Meanwhile, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), a marine biology student, has returned home to nearby Merkin, Arizona for the summer. She is shocked when her sleazy stepfather, Chet (David Koechner), has transformed her late-mother's water park into a hedonistic hotspot. Chet has replaced lifeguards with "water-certified" strippers and a "Cooch-Cam" that displays close-ups of the female anatomy as they exit the pool. He's also illegally tapped into an underground river to avoid paying bills to the water company. Guess how the piranhas get into the park?

Piranha 3DD treads water for its first two acts, which feel interminable in spite of a length that's barely 80 minutes, not counting end credits. There's an occasional piranha attack though most of the screen time is dedicated to Maddy reconnecting with her old friends, the slutty Ashley (Meagan Tandy) and the virginal Shelby (Katrina Bowden). There's also a love triangle between the heroine and her ex-boyfriend Kyle (Chris Zylka), a meathead sheriff's deputy, and the nerdy Barry (Matt Bush), who's had a crush on Maddy since childhood. Once the thin attempts at character development are dispensed with, it's finally time for the bloodbath.

Say what you will about Alexandre Aja, but at least he directed Piranha 3D with a stylish flair. The violence of the sequel just doesn't match up to the previous film in terms of scope or skill. The body count is much less and the kills aren't nearly as inventive. John Gulager, who also directed the Feast trilogy, seems content to rehash gags rather than come up with anything new. A prologue involving Gary Busey and a dead cow that farts out piranha eggs doesn't match up to the previous opening with Richard Dreyfuss. Other lowbrow sequences include a piranha lodged up someone's rectum and another swimming out of a girl's vagina to chomp down on her lover's penis. We also get the lovely image of a decapitated head motorboating a pair of naked breasts. Speaking of which, Gulager gleefully dishes out a heaping helping of nudity. Buxom bikini-clad babes lose their tops and jiggle their bountiful bosoms in slow motion. One pair of bouncing boobs belongs to David Hasselhoff.

The former Baywatch star plays himself in the third act as the C-list celebrity hired to host the grand opening of Chet's Big Wet water park. Hasselhoff has found new life as a self-parody and adds direly needed humor. In a running gag, hapless patrons plead for his assistance as they truly believe him to be a trained lifeguard. The Hoff is one of the few enjoyable elements in Piranha 3DD, along with returning cast members Christopher Lloyd, Paul Scheer, and Ving Rhames. Lloyd once again brings his bug-eyed Doc Brown act as a slightly loopy ichthyologist. Rhames is back as the traumatized Deputy Fallon, who lost his legs in the last feeding frenzy. Luckily, he's now in possession of titanium crutches equipped with shotguns. He also gets two of the movie's best lines: "Fish ate my damn legs" and "I ain't afraid of no punk ass water." As for the rest of the cast, they perform their duties adequately though there isn't enough Katrina Bowden for my tastes. Danielle Panabaker deserves better roles, but has carved a niche as a young scream queen with appearances here and in the remakes of The Crazies and Friday the 13^th.

Piranha 3D was a guilty pleasure that turned the dial up to 11 when it comes to gore and raunchiness. Dipping into the pool a second time was a bad decision. As expected with a title like Piranha 3DD, the sequel gives you bigger breasts, but not a bigger and better film.

Rating: * (*****)

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol - Dir. Brad Bird (2011)

Tom Cruise is one of the biggest movie stars in the history of cinema. Yet, his reputation and box office clout have been tarnished by his bizarre behavior. The Tom Cruise publicity machine has been working overtime to restore his standing in the eyes of the public. Will a return to the mega-successful Mission: Impossible franchise rehabilitate Cruise's status? In my opinion, the man can jump on all the couches he wants as long as he keeps making films like Ghost Protocol.

The fourth Mission: Impossible opens with an exciting prison escape as Ethan Hunt (Cruise) breaks out of a Moscow gulag with help from IMF (Impossible Mission Force) agents Jane Carter (Paula Patton) and Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg). During his incarceration, another IMF member (Josh Holloway from "Lost") has been murdered while attempting to retrieve launch codes for the Russians' nuclear missiles. As it turns out, the codes have fallen into the hands of sultry French assassin, Sabine Moreau (Léa Seydoux), who is in the employ of Kurt Hendricks (Michael Nyqvist), a Swedish-born scientist code-named Cobalt. Hendricks genuinely believes all-out nuclear war will benefit mankind in the long run, allowing only the strong to survive.

The IMF team infiltrates the Kremlin in order to retrieve information on Cobalt. Unfortunately, the enemy is several steps ahead as Hendricks alerts the security to IMF's presence, steals a launch device, blows up the Kremlin, and implicates Hunt's team as the culprits. Branded as terrorists, the entire IMF department has been disavowed by the U.S. government. On the run from Russian authorities, Ethan and his team must clear their names and prevent a nuclear holocaust. Joining them as their newest member is Brandt (Jeremy Renner), an intelligence analyst whose combat skills belie those of a mere paper pusher.

Mission: Impossible III took the franchise down a darker path in line with Casino Royale and the Bourne franchise. Ghost Protocol gleefully embraces the over-the-top elements of the spy genre. JJ Abrams, who directed the previous installment, has stayed on as producer and brought on board writers Josh Applebaum and André Nemec from his Alias days to pen the script. Their screenplay seems to have emerged from the 80's since it is packed to the gills with Cold War trappings. There are Russian antagonists, shady villains with generic foreign accents, and the looming threat of all-out nuclear war between the superpowers. The gadgets are all here too. The IMF utilizes high-tech gear such as a contact lens that can transmit visual data, a magnetic levitation suit, not to mention iPads and iPhones. The iconic masks are present as well. What would a Mission: Impossible movie be without a cool mask reveal? A running gag throughout the film is how the team's equipment always seems to malfunction at the most inopportune of times. Even the famous self-destructing message (hidden inside a payphone) needs a good bang to the side to get it started.

Each installment of the Mission: Impossible series has had a different director behind the camera employing his own trademark style. For Ghost Protocol, Tom Cruise went with an unlikely choice in Brad Bird, whose experience has solely been in animation. Bird has helmed The Iron Giant, Ratatouille, and The Incredibles. His skills have translated to live-action with rousing success. Bird has managed to create an edge-of-your-seat thrill ride in a way that not even action maestro John Woo, who directed Mission: Impossible II, could have. Ghost Protocol consists of one unique action sequence after another as Bird takes the audience on a globetrotting adventure from Budapest to Mumbai. You have a foot chase through a blinding sandstorm and a climactic fist fight in the middle of an automated parking garage. Without a doubt, the centerpiece of Ghost Protocol is a spectacular set piece involving Tom Cruise precariously scaling the outside of the tallest building in the world, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. It's an amazing stunt that Cruise insisted on doing himself. The sequence was also one of several that were shot in IMAX. Ghost Protocol features approximately thirty minutes of footage shot in the larger format and Bird makes the most of every frame, including the ones featuring the beautiful Paula Patton in a slinky evening gown.

Despite being 49, Cruise is as youthful as ever and slips right back into the role of Ethan Hunt with his usual exuberance. But, Cruise is smart enough to know when to step aside and allow his co-stars to share the spotlight. Indeed, Ghost Protocol is more about teamwork than its predecessors. Simon Pegg is easily one of the film's highlights with his trademark brand of comic relief. Jeremy Renner, who might be groomed to take over the franchise, is a welcome addition. While his castmates play it big, Renner underplays the role of Brandt and gives him a dry sense of humor. Also look for cameos from Tom Wilkinson as the head of IMF and Ving Rhames returning as Luther Stickell.

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol is the epitome of a well-made, big budget blockbuster. The law of diminishing returns is not in effect here as the fourth picture is far and away the best in the series. The extra surcharge is worth it for the IMAX version as Ghost Protocol is gorgeously shot and one of the most fun movie experiences of the year.

Rating: **** (*****)

The Tournament

The Tournament - Dir. Scott Mann (2009)


What makes a good action movie? For me, one of the best action films ever is Die Hard You’ve got a charismatic everyman hero in Bruce Willis as John McClane, a ruthless and calculating villain, a team of dangerous henchmen, high stakes, and great dialogue. Most importantly, Die Hard adds in a level of emotional depth that most action movies lack. McClane not only has to save his wife’s life, but their marriage as well. Plus, you’ve got his budding friendship with a fellow cop still struggling with the effects of a tragic shooting. Oh, and stuff gets blown up, blown up real good. For some, that’s good enough.

To be honest, I’m more than happy to check my brain at the door and enjoy a good, dumb action movie. Just give me bullets, blood, and stuff going boom. I liked Shoot ‘Em Up and the Crank films are probably my favorite guilty pleasures. But, sometimes, an action movie can be too dumb for its own good. That, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to our feature presentation, The Tournament.

Filming on The Tournament originally began in 2007 in the country of Bulgaria, which has become the go-to for direct-to-TV Sci-Fi Channel crap and anybody else with no more than 2 bucks in their pocket. Unfortunately, the production suffered the worst nightmare any low-budget filmmaker could possibly have, it ran out of money. It took so long for them to regain financing that the filmmakers had to re-cast and start from scratch. You kind of want to give director Scott Mann some credit for sticking to his guns (no pun intended). However, after watching the finished product, you also kind of wonder if it was really worth it.

The central concept of The Tournament revolves around a free-for-all death match held every seven years. The contestants are thirty of the world’s top assassins and they compete for a truckload of money. The tournament’s benefactor is a puppet master by the subtle name of Powers (Liam Cunningham). Powers selects a small town for the battlegrounds and has his tech crew hack into the cameras so a clandestine audience of the wealthy and powerful can watch while placing their bets. Cover stories about terror attacks or gas main explosions are prepared to keep the secret of the tournament.

This time around, thirty highly trained assassins converge on the town of Middlesbrough, Great Britain. Among the competitors is Lai Lai Zhen (Kelly Hu), who is haunted by her last job and wants the cash as a way out. She also speaks with some weird accent. I honestly have no clue what Kelly Hu was going for, but at least she still looks hot. I guess that’s what really matters.

The odds on favorite this year is Joshua Harlow (Ving Rhames), the winner of the last tournament. His wife was recently murdered and he re-enters the contest to search for her killer. Harlow is a real badass. How do I know he’s badass? Because he wears a black trenchcoat and walks in slow motion. Sebastian Foucan, who many might remember as the bomb maker from Casino Royale plays Anton Bogart, a master of Parkour. Ian Somerhalder, formerly of Lost, plays Miles Slade, a psychopathic Texan. No one is safe from Slade not even stray dogs or topless dancers. Filling out the roster are an assortment of murderers who utilize everything from martial arts to sniper rifles and even bazookas.

The holders of the tournament keep track of their quarries by implanting them with a sensor that works on body heat. The assassins are all given tracking devices to let them know when an opponent is nearby. A wrench is thrown into the works when Bogart removes his implant and drops it into a pot of coffee. It’s promptly swallowed by the alcoholic Father MacAvoy (Robert Carlyle), a priest who has lost his faith in God. Poor MacAvoy is forced to compete in the tournament and handed down an edict, not from the Holy Father, but from Powers who says, "Kill or be killed." To put a cherry on top of all that, the sensors are armed with an explosive. If no one wins the tournament within 24 hours, then all remaining sensors will detonate.

What happens next is basically a rip-off of The Condemned, which itself was just a rip-off of Battle Royale and The Running Man. The hitmen try to take one another out, innocent bystanders die in the crossfire, and all for the entertainment of the rich and powerful. Some of the action sequences are decent including the Parkour stuff with Foucan.

However, what I cannot overlook is the sheer number of plot holes that any screenwriter with two brain cells could have closed up with ease. The sensors that work on body heat inexplicably switch off whenever someone is killed, despite the fact that the body stays warm for a while after death. If it’s so easy to cut out your tracker, why doesn’t everybody else do it? Also, it seems the trackers only work when it’s convenient for the director.

The Tournament is filled with all sorts of silliness. The story doesn’t make a lick of sense if you think about it for more than a few seconds. The characters have absolutely no emotional depth or any other traits that might distinguish them from every other generic action movie stereotype. Compared to other direct-to-video films, The Tournament still ranks above whatever Steven Seagal tries to peddle these days, but leaves much to be desired.

Rating: *

Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D - Dir. Alexandre Aja (2010)


Piranha 3D is one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen. It’s ridiculous, crude, and completely lacking in any redeeming values. I loved it.

The original Piranha was produced by schlock-master Roger Corman whose New World Pictures pumped out dozens of cult classics like Death Race 2000, Rock ‘n Roll High School, and Slumber Party Massacre. Released in 1978, Piranha was both a rip-off and a parody of Jaws and featured the first credited work from filmmakers Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling) and John Sayles (Lone Star). An unrelated sequel, Piranha II: The Spawning, was released three years later and is only notable for being the first film directed by James Cameron.

The first Piranha was a pure B-movie through and through and so is the remake. Piranha 3D opens with a quickie cameo by Richard Dreyfuss as he reprises his role as Matt Hooper from Jaws. The scene pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Spring break is upon us and the small town of Lake Victoria (a fictionalized version of Lake Havasu where the film was actually shot) is preparing for the worst. The picturesque spot is invaded by a ravenous swarm of creatures straight out of your nightmares. I’m speaking of drunken college kids. Douchebag frat boys and slutty sorority sisters are everywhere and it is up to Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames to keep the peace. Shue plays Julie Forester, the town’s tough sheriff and a single mom with Rhames as the hard-assed Deputy Fallon.

Julie’s son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen, grandson of THE Steve McQueen), is a nice kid with an unrequited crush on the virtuous Kelly (Jessica Szohr) who would rather hang out with her jerkass jock boyfriend. He’s supposed to be babysitting his younger siblings, but takes a job as tour guide for the utterly obnoxious Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) who is there to shoot Girls Gone Wild-style videos. Of course, the two blonde-haired moppets wander off and wind up stranded on a rock in the middle of the lake.

An earthquake opens up a fissure underwater that releases a host of hungry prehistoric piranha into the lake. The townsfolk and vacationers have no clue until it is too late.

Much like its progenitor, Piranha 3D is absolutely a B-movie and has everything you expect from a B-movie. I’m speaking of blood and boobs. The spring break bacchanalia is in full swing as buxom bikini-clad babes pull off their tops and let their ample assets loose. In a shamelessly gratuitous sequence, voluptuous cover girl Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steele (I swear I only know that because of Google) perform a fully nude underwater ballet to “The Flower Duet” from the French opera, Lakmé.

When the piranhas finally chow down, it turns into a Grand Guignol. The lake turns red as it is awash with copious amounts of blood. The death scenes come quick with each one as gruesome as the next. Director Alexandre Aja is no stranger to gore having also helmed High Tension and the remake of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes. Bodies are literally consumed to the bone. A topless parasailer is lifted out of the water after her legs have been eaten away to gnarled stumps. Another girl gets her hair caught in a propeller leading to her scalp and face ripped off. Eli Roth makes a brief cameo as the sleazy emcee of a wet t-shirt contest and meets with an appropriately violent death. When Aja surveys the carnage, the lake is littered with carcasses in a visual reference to Saving Private Ryan.

The film stays firmly within genre conventions as the wholesome heroes survive with their limbs intact. The hedonistic hordes indulging in sex, drugs, and alcohol meet their ends at the sharp teeth of carnivorous fish. Despite warnings from the local constabulary, they continue their drunken revelry and pay the price for their stupidity.

Piranha was shot in 2D and converted to 3D in post-production. It certainly looks better than other converted movies like Clash of the Titans and Last Airbender. Most of the underwater scenes are dark and murky and the glasses make them even more dark and murky. The CG piranhas are also pretty crappy looking. On the positive side, Aja indulges in the gimmickry of 3D. Bare breasts and projective vomit fly at the screen.

As for the acting, nobody tries too hard, but they don’t need to. The supporting cast is made mostly of unknowns and porn stars with the lead actors carrying the weight. O’Connell is hilarious as the excessively sleazy peddler of softcore porn. His character and his manhood meet with justifiably violent ends. Adam Scott is cast against type as a heroic scientist while Christopher Lloyd is in full on Doc Brown mode as a crazy eyed fish expert. Oh, and Elisabeth Shue is way hot.

Piranha 3D is pure lowbrow exploitation cinema. However, it has no pretensions of being anything more.

Rating: ***

Surrogates

Surrogates - Dir. Jonathan Mostow (2009)


Much like Whiteout, Surrogates is a comic book movie that fails to live up to its intriguing premise. The sci-fi flick takes the idea of internet avatars one step further by introducing the idea of actual avatars.

Mankind no longer bothers to leave their front door with the invention of robotic surrogates that can be controlled telepathically. The surrogates can be designed to look any way you want them to, any age, race, or even sex. Crime is now a thing of the past, until someone commits the first murder in years. The killer has a high-tech device that can fry the user’s brain through their surrogate. FBI Agent Tom Greer (Bruce Willis) is assigned to investigate along with his partner, Jennifer Peters (Radha Mitchell). The case grows in importance when one of the victims turns out to be the son of the inventor of surrogacy, Dr. Lionel Carter (James Cromwell playing almost the exact same role he did in I, Robot). Dr. Carter has grown disillusioned with the rampancy of his inventions and has chosen to be even more isolated than everyone else. There are also a group of humans called Dreads who despise surrogates and everything they represent. The Dreads live on their own surrogate-free reservation under the leadership of the militant Prophet (Ving Rhames).

When Greer’s surrogate is damaged, he must learn to venture into a world he hasn’t interacted with in a long time. Just as he hasn’t interacted with his own wife, Maggie (Rosamund Pike), despite the fact that she lives right across the hall from him. She has grown more and more reliant on her surrogate since the death of their son.

As with most science fiction films in recent memory, Surrogates dumbs down its central concept in favor of slick set pieces. No needs to think when you can watch stuff get blown up. The action sequences aren’t spectacular enough to set themselves apart from any other mediocre action flick being churned out today. The screen presence of Bruce Willis is really the only thing that grounds the picture.

Rating: **