Piranha 3DD

Piranha 3DD - Dir. John Gulager (2012)

In 1978, Roger Corman's New World Pictures released the original Piranha, which was a Jaws knockoff directed by B-movie maven Joe Dante from a script by indie auteur John Sayles. It was an enjoyable exploitation movie with its tongue firmly planted in cheek. Piranha spawned a 1981 sequel only notable because it marked the directorial debut of James Cameron as well as a 1995 Showtime remake starring a then-unknown Mila Kunis. Alexandre Aja brought the man-eating fish back with a vengeance in 2010 with Piranha 3D. The remake was surprisingly entertaining as it reveled in its tackiness with projectile vomit flying out of the screen. Piranha 3D may have been well-made trash, but its sequel Piranha 3DD is just plain trash.

A year after the horrific events of Piranha 3D, Lake Victoria is a ghost town following a massive attack on spring breakers by an undiscovered species of prehistoric piranha. The military embarked on a widespread eradication of the deadly fish and the threat has been seemingly neutralized. Meanwhile, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), a marine biology student, has returned home to nearby Merkin, Arizona for the summer. She is shocked when her sleazy stepfather, Chet (David Koechner), has transformed her late-mother's water park into a hedonistic hotspot. Chet has replaced lifeguards with "water-certified" strippers and a "Cooch-Cam" that displays close-ups of the female anatomy as they exit the pool. He's also illegally tapped into an underground river to avoid paying bills to the water company. Guess how the piranhas get into the park?

Piranha 3DD treads water for its first two acts, which feel interminable in spite of a length that's barely 80 minutes, not counting end credits. There's an occasional piranha attack though most of the screen time is dedicated to Maddy reconnecting with her old friends, the slutty Ashley (Meagan Tandy) and the virginal Shelby (Katrina Bowden). There's also a love triangle between the heroine and her ex-boyfriend Kyle (Chris Zylka), a meathead sheriff's deputy, and the nerdy Barry (Matt Bush), who's had a crush on Maddy since childhood. Once the thin attempts at character development are dispensed with, it's finally time for the bloodbath.

Say what you will about Alexandre Aja, but at least he directed Piranha 3D with a stylish flair. The violence of the sequel just doesn't match up to the previous film in terms of scope or skill. The body count is much less and the kills aren't nearly as inventive. John Gulager, who also directed the Feast trilogy, seems content to rehash gags rather than come up with anything new. A prologue involving Gary Busey and a dead cow that farts out piranha eggs doesn't match up to the previous opening with Richard Dreyfuss. Other lowbrow sequences include a piranha lodged up someone's rectum and another swimming out of a girl's vagina to chomp down on her lover's penis. We also get the lovely image of a decapitated head motorboating a pair of naked breasts. Speaking of which, Gulager gleefully dishes out a heaping helping of nudity. Buxom bikini-clad babes lose their tops and jiggle their bountiful bosoms in slow motion. One pair of bouncing boobs belongs to David Hasselhoff.

The former Baywatch star plays himself in the third act as the C-list celebrity hired to host the grand opening of Chet's Big Wet water park. Hasselhoff has found new life as a self-parody and adds direly needed humor. In a running gag, hapless patrons plead for his assistance as they truly believe him to be a trained lifeguard. The Hoff is one of the few enjoyable elements in Piranha 3DD, along with returning cast members Christopher Lloyd, Paul Scheer, and Ving Rhames. Lloyd once again brings his bug-eyed Doc Brown act as a slightly loopy ichthyologist. Rhames is back as the traumatized Deputy Fallon, who lost his legs in the last feeding frenzy. Luckily, he's now in possession of titanium crutches equipped with shotguns. He also gets two of the movie's best lines: "Fish ate my damn legs" and "I ain't afraid of no punk ass water." As for the rest of the cast, they perform their duties adequately though there isn't enough Katrina Bowden for my tastes. Danielle Panabaker deserves better roles, but has carved a niche as a young scream queen with appearances here and in the remakes of The Crazies and Friday the 13^th.

Piranha 3D was a guilty pleasure that turned the dial up to 11 when it comes to gore and raunchiness. Dipping into the pool a second time was a bad decision. As expected with a title like Piranha 3DD, the sequel gives you bigger breasts, but not a bigger and better film.

Rating: * (*****)

American Reunion

American Reunion - Dirs. Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg (2012)

In 1999, American Pie was a smash hit thanks to an assortment of lowbrow gags that have become ensconced into pop culture consciousness. Movie fans will never forget the sight of Jason Biggs humping a warm apple pie or the shapely Shannon Elizabeth stripping to her undies. Universal certainly raked it in as the film made over $235 million worldwide off a scant $11 million budget. The studio was quick to strike while the iron was hot with two sequels and a string of direct-to-video spinoffs with Eugene Levy as the only original cast member. After nine years since the last Pie picture was released theatrically, Universal resurrects the franchise with American Reunion.

Jim (Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) are happily married with a son, but find it difficult to be intimate with one another. Following in the tradition of its predecessors, Reunion opens with the hapless Jim caught in an embarrassing situation as he attempts to pleasure himself. The couple hopes that their upcoming thirteenth high school reunion will give them a chance to reignite the flame. By the way, I know tenth, fifteenth, and twentieth anniversary reunions are a thing, but the thirteenth doesn't seem that big a deal. In any event, Jim is excited to see all his old buddies again. His plans are crimped when he has to fend off the amorous advances of Kara (Ali Cobrin), a high school senior he once babysat.

Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) has become a successful architect and a slightly domesticated husband. Oz (Chris Klein) is now an NFL analyst for a cable sports network with a young supermodel girlfriend in Mia (Katrina Bowden). He's also the butt of a few jokes for his appearance on a Dancing with the Stars-type reality show. Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) dropped off the radar, but returns just in time with tales of traveling the world. Then, there's Stifler (Seann William Scott), who the others have been trying to avoid because he hasn't changed much.

Nearly everyone from the first film has returned in some small fashion with John Cho & Justin Isfeld as the MILF Guys, Chris Owen as the Sherminator, Natasha Lyonne as Jessica, and Shannon Elizabeth as Nadia. They are joined by new cast members Dania Ramirez, as a former band geek turned hottie, and Rebecca De Mornay (who still looks stunning at 52) as Finch's Mom.

The reins of the franchise have been handed off to Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, the writers behind the Harold & Kumar series. If anyone knows potty humor, it's them. However, the jokes just aren't funny or as outrageous as previous installments or even movies like 21 Jump Street or Knocked Up. Time has just passed them by. We get the requisite boob shots when Jim is forced to sneak an unconscious and naked Kara into her house without her parents knowing. Another prominent gag finds Stifler defecating into a cooler.

This wouldn't be too much of a problem if the character moments had any semblance of depth. Poor Thomas Ian Nicholas generally gets the short end of the stick as the writers struggle to find anything interesting for his character. In a rehash of American Pie 2, Kevin has an awkward encounter with his ex, Vicky (Tara Reid). Oz goes through the same thing with his former flame, Heather (Mena Suvari). These storylines highlight just how terribly written the female characters are in Reunion. They are either thinly drawn lovesick girls or nymphomaniac party skanks with the exception of Alyson Hannigan, who really deserves better. The one B-story that yields some fruit belongs to Levy as Jim's Dad, who looks to get back into the singles game following the death of his wife. He winds up romancing the original MILF, Stifler's Mom (Jennifer Coolidge).

As Thomas Wolfe once wrote, "You can't go home again." The central theme of American Reunion is all about living in the present without looking back at the past through rose-colored lenses. If only the filmmakers took those same lessons to heart, then we wouldn't get this bland and humorless sequel that simply did not need to be made.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - Dir. Eli Craig (2011)

College kids go off on a camping trip in the woods only to find their spring break ruined by a murderous clan of inbred rednecks. That particular plotline and variations on it have become a tried and true staple of the horror genre. Inspired by films like Deliverance, The Hills Have Eyes, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, writer/director Eli Craig (who co-wrote the script with Morgen Jurgenson) cleverly twists the genre conventions with Tucker & Dale vs. Evil which casts the rednecks in a sympathetic light while the vacationing teens play the villains.

Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine) are a pair of genial country bumpkins living in rural West Virginia. They've recently purchased a dilapidated cabin in the woods that they hope to renovate into a summer cottage. At the same time, a group of college students set up camp nearby and are immediately creeped out by these odd looking fellas in overalls and mesh trucker caps. One night, perky blonde Allison (Katrina Bowden) is knocked unconscious while skinny dipping and rescued by Tucker and Dale, the latter of whom develops a crush on her. The other teenagers falsely believe Allison has been kidnapped and urged to take action by her boyfriend, Chad (Jesse Moss), who possesses an unnerving hatred for hillbillies.

The kids make a series of bumbling attempts to rescue Allison that lead to their own violent demises. In a scene rivaling Fargo, one boy tries to jump Tucker and accidentally falls into a wood chipper. This leads Tucker and Dale into believing the kids are enacting a suicide pact.

Eli Craig has come up with several inventive and gruesome kills. He also manages to subvert many of the iconic imagery of horror films. When Tucker runs howling through the woods with a chainsaw, it's because he got stung by a swarm of bees. In another scene, Dale awkwardly tries to talk to Allison at a gas station. Told by Tucker to laugh a lot, he cackles maniacally while holding a Grim Reaper scythe and unintentionally frightens the teens.

Genre fans will likely gravitate towards Tucker & Dale due to Alan Tudyk's work on Firefly and Tyler Labine's on Reaper. Tudyk and Labine are hilarious in their roles without turning the characters into southern fried caricatures. They are slightly dim-witted, but not annoyingly stupid. There is also a surprising sweetness to the budding romance between Dale and Allison, played by the gorgeous Katrina Bowden, best known as Cerie, the flighty receptionist on 30 Rock.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil has all the makings of a midnight cult classic. As a fusion of horror and comedy, it stands alongside recent titles like Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland.

Rating; *** (*****)