Piranha 3D

Piranha 3D - Dir. Alexandre Aja (2010)


Piranha 3D is one of the stupidest movies I have ever seen. It’s ridiculous, crude, and completely lacking in any redeeming values. I loved it.

The original Piranha was produced by schlock-master Roger Corman whose New World Pictures pumped out dozens of cult classics like Death Race 2000, Rock ‘n Roll High School, and Slumber Party Massacre. Released in 1978, Piranha was both a rip-off and a parody of Jaws and featured the first credited work from filmmakers Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling) and John Sayles (Lone Star). An unrelated sequel, Piranha II: The Spawning, was released three years later and is only notable for being the first film directed by James Cameron.

The first Piranha was a pure B-movie through and through and so is the remake. Piranha 3D opens with a quickie cameo by Richard Dreyfuss as he reprises his role as Matt Hooper from Jaws. The scene pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Spring break is upon us and the small town of Lake Victoria (a fictionalized version of Lake Havasu where the film was actually shot) is preparing for the worst. The picturesque spot is invaded by a ravenous swarm of creatures straight out of your nightmares. I’m speaking of drunken college kids. Douchebag frat boys and slutty sorority sisters are everywhere and it is up to Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames to keep the peace. Shue plays Julie Forester, the town’s tough sheriff and a single mom with Rhames as the hard-assed Deputy Fallon.

Julie’s son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen, grandson of THE Steve McQueen), is a nice kid with an unrequited crush on the virtuous Kelly (Jessica Szohr) who would rather hang out with her jerkass jock boyfriend. He’s supposed to be babysitting his younger siblings, but takes a job as tour guide for the utterly obnoxious Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) who is there to shoot Girls Gone Wild-style videos. Of course, the two blonde-haired moppets wander off and wind up stranded on a rock in the middle of the lake.

An earthquake opens up a fissure underwater that releases a host of hungry prehistoric piranha into the lake. The townsfolk and vacationers have no clue until it is too late.

Much like its progenitor, Piranha 3D is absolutely a B-movie and has everything you expect from a B-movie. I’m speaking of blood and boobs. The spring break bacchanalia is in full swing as buxom bikini-clad babes pull off their tops and let their ample assets loose. In a shamelessly gratuitous sequence, voluptuous cover girl Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steele (I swear I only know that because of Google) perform a fully nude underwater ballet to “The Flower Duet” from the French opera, Lakmé.

When the piranhas finally chow down, it turns into a Grand Guignol. The lake turns red as it is awash with copious amounts of blood. The death scenes come quick with each one as gruesome as the next. Director Alexandre Aja is no stranger to gore having also helmed High Tension and the remake of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes. Bodies are literally consumed to the bone. A topless parasailer is lifted out of the water after her legs have been eaten away to gnarled stumps. Another girl gets her hair caught in a propeller leading to her scalp and face ripped off. Eli Roth makes a brief cameo as the sleazy emcee of a wet t-shirt contest and meets with an appropriately violent death. When Aja surveys the carnage, the lake is littered with carcasses in a visual reference to Saving Private Ryan.

The film stays firmly within genre conventions as the wholesome heroes survive with their limbs intact. The hedonistic hordes indulging in sex, drugs, and alcohol meet their ends at the sharp teeth of carnivorous fish. Despite warnings from the local constabulary, they continue their drunken revelry and pay the price for their stupidity.

Piranha was shot in 2D and converted to 3D in post-production. It certainly looks better than other converted movies like Clash of the Titans and Last Airbender. Most of the underwater scenes are dark and murky and the glasses make them even more dark and murky. The CG piranhas are also pretty crappy looking. On the positive side, Aja indulges in the gimmickry of 3D. Bare breasts and projective vomit fly at the screen.

As for the acting, nobody tries too hard, but they don’t need to. The supporting cast is made mostly of unknowns and porn stars with the lead actors carrying the weight. O’Connell is hilarious as the excessively sleazy peddler of softcore porn. His character and his manhood meet with justifiably violent ends. Adam Scott is cast against type as a heroic scientist while Christopher Lloyd is in full on Doc Brown mode as a crazy eyed fish expert. Oh, and Elisabeth Shue is way hot.

Piranha 3D is pure lowbrow exploitation cinema. However, it has no pretensions of being anything more.

Rating: ***

Inglourious Basterds

Inglourious Basterds - Dir. Quentin Tarantino (2009)

”…And when the Germans close their eyes at night and their subconscious tortures them for the evil they’ve done, it will be with thoughts of us that it tortures them with…Sound good?”

Quentin Tarantino has dabbled in a variety of genres and given each his own unique stamp. He’s tackled the heist film (Reservoir Dogs), the gangster pic (Pulp Fiction), blaxploitation (Jackie Brown), the drive-in B-movie (Death Proof) and though he only wrote the screenplay, Tarantino has stated that True Romance was his take on the love story. Kill Bill was his stab at the martial arts epic and Spaghetti Western. Now, Tarantino adds his signature to the war movie with the long in development, Inglourious Basterds. More specifically, I’m speaking of the ‘bunch of guys go on a mission during World War 2’ subgenre, taking inspiration from similar films like The Dirty Dozen and Enzo G. Castellari’s original Inglorious Bastards.

With scars around his neck and a country fried hillbilly accent, Brad Pitt becomes Lt. Aldo Raine, the commander of a Jewish unit dropped into enemy territory. Their mission is to kill every Nazi they find. Known as the Bastards, Lt. Raine’s company has put the fear of God into the enemy due to their brutal methods including scalping their victims and carving Swastikas into the lucky few who escape. Also in Lt. Raine’s unit are Sgt. Donny Donowitz (Hostel director Eli Roth), a baseball bat wielding Bostonian, and Hugo Stiglitz (Til Schweiger), a former German soldier imprisoned for murdering Gestapo officers in their sleep. Two unlikely members of the Bastards are B.J. Novak (best known as Ryan on The Office) and the 5’4 Samm Levine from Freaks & Geeks.

Though the Bastards are the title characters of Tarantino’s picture and the centerpiece of the film’s advertising, they really aren’t the main characters. In fact, many of the Bastards disappear without much word about their fates. The lion’s share of the attention belongs to Shoshanna Dreyfus (Melanie Laurent), a Jewish fugitive who survived the massacre of her family, and Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz), nicknamed the Jew Hunter. Having a nickname like that, it’s easy to guess who the villain of the piece is. Shoshanna is the heart of the film and there’s real heartbreak and tragedy throughout her arc. Inglourious Basterds opens with the chilling account of Col. Landa discovering her family’s hiding place underneath the floorboards of a French dairy farm.

Has there ever been a movie villain like Hans Landa? Someone so deliciously evil? The late-Heath Ledger blew audiences away with his Joker and the little known Christoph Waltz appears to be doing the same with his Landa. This is a multi-faceted character that goes beyond simple mustache twirling. His Landa greets you with a smile and friendly chit-chat and somehow it’s both humorous and unnerving. He possesses a disarming charm that actually makes you like him one minute, but then he does something monstrous and you remember he’s a fucking Nazi. Landa is also smart, quite possibly the smartest guy in the movie. His intellect and deductive abilities remind one of Sherlock Holmes and Tarantino plays those allusions up when Landa pulls out a comically large pipe.

As the Bastards cut through the Nazi ranks, Shoshanna has made her way to Paris where she now owns and operates a movie theater. The venue was left to her by an “aunt” who was to be played by Maggie Cheung before her scenes were excised from the final cut. Laurent actually learned how to operate a projector for her role and even screened a print of Reservoir Dogs along with trailers and cartoons. Much to Shoshanna’s chagrin, she is pursued romantically by an overzealous German soldier named Frederick Zoller (Daniel Bruhl) who has become the subject of his own picture after killing hundreds of American soldiers single-handedly. The Nazi high command (including Hitler) will screen the film at Shoshanna’s theater. It is here that both she and the Bastards make their plans to assassinate Hitler and all his cronies.

While Inglourious Basterds is nominally a war movie, Tarantino once again throws in a heavy dash of the Spaghetti Western into the mix. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that he fills Basterds’ score with compositions by Ennio Morricone and other pieces culled from Westerns such as The Alamo and The Big Gundown. The film’s opening chapter feels just like a prologue out of a Sergio Leone movie and is packed with Western iconography from its title (“Once Upon a Time in Nazi-Occupied France”) to a John Ford-style shot through the doorway. During a jailbreak sequence, the Bastards emerge from their hiding spots in a scene reminiscent of the way Henry Fonda and his men were revealed in Once Upon a Time in the West. He finds inspiration of a different sort in a projecting booth shoot-out that ends in a fashion that draws obvious allusions to John Woo’s The Killer.

No matter who Tarantino casts, sometimes the real star of his films is the dialogue. Often, Tarantino’s penchant for pop culture references and long conversations derail the actual plot and come off as self-indulgent. Take a look at the never ending breakfast conversation in Death Proof for a perfect example of that. You’re just waiting for them to shut up so we can get to the car chase. Here, Tarantino leaves you wanting more. He writes his characters like real, three-dimensional characters rather than characters that sound like they’re written by Tarantino, if that makes any sense. Yes, a few times the dialogue could have been easily trimmed, but the majority of the time, he’s able to weave the words in a way that builds the kind of tension I haven’t felt at the movies in a long time. He finds incredibly clever ways to juggle the various languages (French, German, English) that once again works to enhance the overall story. The titular Bastards are the only ones who feel one-dimensional, but that’s not a knock at all. They are cartoon characters (especially Brad Pitt), but damned if they aren’t entertaining.

Writing and directing a period piece certainly helped in reining in Tarantino though he still manages to make plenty of other references that fit the time period and the story. Shoshanna’s theater, for example, screens films from directors like G.W. Pabst and Henri-Georges Clouzot. He also manages to drop in the obligatory references to Leni Riefenstahl.

Despite all the scalping and machine gunning, the film’s highlight for me was a sequence involving Michael Fassbender (fresh off his amazing performance in Hunger) as Sgt. Archie Hicox, a stiff-upper lip British paratrooper and former film critic; Mike Myers under heavy make-up as his commanding officer, and veteran Rod Taylor in a quick cameo as Winston Churchill. There was just something so joyous to this film geek about hearing these men explain UFA in hoity toity aristocratic accents.

Tarantino does get a little too cute with a pair of anachronistic moments. He uses a 70’s style title to introduce Stiglitz that was actually rather amusing. Tarantino also chooses David Bowie’s “Cat People (Putting Out the Fire)” for a sequence with Shoshanna getting all dolled up (applying her own brand of war paint) for the film premiere. The song is the theme from Paul Schrader’s remake of Cat People, a film only Tarantino could like.

Even at a length of two and a half hours, Inglourious Basterds feels like an appetizer for a much bigger film. I don't think QT has ever been able to manipulate the wide range of emotions that he does with Basterds. He brings the action and the funny while never letting us forget the tragic ugliness of war. He's made a fantastic hybrid of the war & Western genres that alternately acts as a love letter to movies, one where two of its heroes are a film critic and a film projectionist. Imagine Cinema Paradiso with machine guns and explosions. Tarantino has already mentioned the possibility of a prequel to flesh out the backgrounds of the Bastards. Whether or not this project will ever see the light of day or fall to the wayside (i.e. The Vega Brothers, Kill Bill anime prequel) remains to be seen. This is easily one of Tarantino’s best films and one of the best releases of 2009.

Also in the picture are the gorgeous Diane Kruger as actress/spy Bridget Von Hammersmark and in voice-over cameos by Samuel L. Jackson (as the narrator) and Harvey Keitel (as Lt. Raine’s commanding officer).

Rating: ****