One Day

One Day - Dir. Lone Scherfig (2011)

Love stories don't always have happy endings. That's certainly true in movies as many tragic romances have gone down in cinematic history. Sometimes tragedy strikes as in the case of Love Story where a pining Ryan O'Neal falls head over heels for a terminally ill Ali McGraw. Then, there are films like Casablanca and Brief Encounter where the protagonists ultimately don't end up together. One Day is a little bit of both. Boy meets girl. They hem and haw for years and just when you think they might find happiness, it winds up being a conclusion a little more bittersweet than expected.

Novelist David Nicholls adapted the screenplay for One Day based on his 2009 novel of the same name. The story begins on July 15, 1988 during the graduation of Dexter Mayhew (Jim Sturgess) and Emma Morley (Anne Hathaway) from the University of Edinburgh. Dex is a smooth and handsome lad from a well-to-do family while Emma isn't quite as posh. She wears floral print dresses with black boots and completes the coffee house chic personality by listening to Tracy Chapman. She undoubtedly has Lisa Loeb and the Indigo Girls in her collection. Despite their differences, they spend the night together. While the attraction is obvious, Dex and Emma decide to remain friends. From then on, the film drops the audience into their lives on the anniversary of their first meeting.

As the years progress, the handsome Dex climbs the ladder of success as a famous television personality. When he's not interviewing celebrities, he's bedding a variety of vapid beauties. Meanwhile, Emma is stuck in a dead-end waitressing job at a Mexican restaurant and begins a relationship with the awkward Ian (Rafe Spall), a wannabe stand-up comic who isn't very funny. Time marches on and Dex's career begins crumbling as he falls deeper into his addictions to drug and alcohol. Meanwhile, Emma goes from being a teacher to living in France as a successful writer of children's books. During these scenes, Hathaway sports a short hairdo and a pair of big sunglasses that make her look like Audrey Hepburn. Throughout it all, Dex and Emma's friendship remains as turbulent as their personal lives as they hug and laugh then fight and cry.

Director Lone Scherfig is no stranger to love stories. Her debut picture, Italian for Beginners, is easily the most accessible entry in the Dogme 95 movement and her most successful work, An Education, probably won't get many viewings on Valentine's Day. Scherfig directs One Day with a sure hand and crafts a gorgeous looking movie with help from cinematographer Benoit Delhomme, who also shot The Proposition and Tsai Ming-liang's What Time Is It There? But, the impeccable visuals cannot cover up the lack of compelling characters and thin narrative.

The gimmick of the plot revolving around a specific day makes for an intriguing concept. It's one that has the potential to lift One Day above the treacle that the Hollywood rom-com machine generally churns out. However, the concept never amounts to anything significant and makes the entire effort feel like a warmed over When Harry Met Sally. Part of the problem is that there is never a clear obstacle in the way of their romance. Dex and Emma aren't separated by an insurmountable distance or societal morays. They just don't admit their feelings for one another. The longer this goes on, the more annoying they become and the less invested we become in seeing them get together.

Much has been made in other reviews about Anne Hathaway's British accent. It's stronger than the shakier attempts of Natalie Portman or Renee Zellweger, but it's not the least bit convincing. It is obvious Hathaway was chosen over an English actress for her marketability. Rafe Spall, the son of Timothy Spall, has some good moments as the sweet-natured and nebbish Ian. There are also good performances from Ken Stott and Patricia Clarkson as Dex's parents, even if they have limited screen time.

One Day may appeal to deeply romantic souls, but this cold-hearted critic found it to be a shallow and sappy experience. This is a film about pretty, yet empty-headed, people and filled with weak attempts at witty banter.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Sarah's Key

Sarah's Key - Dir. Gilles Paquet-Brenner (2010)

Sarah's Key revolves around a little known atrocity committed during World War II known as the Vel d'Hiv Roundup. On July 16 and 17 of 1942, French police and officials of the Vichy government, under orders from the Nazi regime, enacted a mass arrest of over 13,000 Jews living in Paris. Most of them were women and children. These Jews were initially interred at the Vel d'Hiv stadium without the use of bathrooms and under tremendous heat as all windows were blocked to prevent escape. Nearly two-thirds of the prisoners were eventually sent to Auschwitz. Sarah's Key, an adaptation of the best-selling novel by Tatiana de Rosnay, serves as a reminder of these tragic events and their lasting effects on the France of today. Much like The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, it looks at the Holocaust through a child's point-of-view.

Kristin Scott Thomas stars as Julia Jarmond, an American journalist living in Paris with her French husband, Bertrand Tezac (Frederic Pierrot). She learns that the apartment her in-laws have owned for decades came into their possession soon after the Vel d'Hiv Roundup. She sets out to discover how the Tezacs got the place and who the tenants were before them. Julia's investigations uncover the harrowing story of a young girl named Sarah Starzynski (Mélusine Mayance).

In 1942, the police take Sarah and her family into custody. In a panic, Sarah locks her little brother, Michele (Paul Mercier), in a hidden closet and tells him to stay there until she comes back. Sarah and her parents are sent first to Vel d'Hiv then to a deportation camp in Beaune-la-Rolande where the adults and children are separated. Sarah manages to escape thanks to a sympathetic police officer and seeks refuge with an elderly couple in the countryside. All the while she is desperate to return to Paris to rescue Michele.

The two stories of Sarah and Julia run parallel to each other, but neither meshes with the other. Sarah's portion of the film stands as its most effective thanks to the heartbreaking performances by Mélusine Mayance and Charlotte Poutrel, who plays the adult Sarah. While Kristin Scott Thomas gives a strong performance, her segments come off as preachy and hollow. Julia's search for the truth about Sarah is meant to symbolize the impact of the Roundup. Many are unaware of the events, others warn her not to stir things up, and a few react with angry denial. One coworker is quick to condemn those that stood by to which Julia refutes with "What would you have done?"

In addition, Julia discovers she is pregnant and must decide if she should to keep the baby when her husband staunchly declares he doesn't want it. To really drive the point him, director Gilles Paquet-Brenner dissolves from an overhead shot of Sarah lying in a fetal position to a newly pregnant Julia. Brenner also tries too hard with the score as ominous music blares to the hilt as detainees are herded off a bus.

The two time periods of Sarah's Key don't always gel together and Julia's world of trendy magazine offices and iPhones feels trivial next to the plight of Sarah. Still, it's a fine film that tugs at the heart strings, despite mistakenly tackling its subject matter with a clinical and didactic approach.

Rating: ** (*****)

Hugo

Hugo - Dir. Martin Scorsese (2011)

Martin Scorsese has become synonymous with crime films and gritty urban dramas. When he has ventured outside his wheelhouse, it was to make pictures like The Age of Innocence or The Last Temptation of Christ. Needless to say, Scorsese is one of the last names you’d expect to direct a children’s movie, let alone one shot in 3D. But, he does just that with Hugo, based on the illustrated novel, The Invention of Hugo Cabret, by Brian Selznick.

Set in post-WWI Paris, the film follows an orphaned boy named Hugo (Asa Butterfield), whose father (Jude Law) died in a museum fire. Hugo was sent to live with his alcoholic uncle (Ray Winstone), who worked at the Montparnasse train station. There, Hugo was taught how to maintain the clocks until his uncle’s disappearance. On his own, he survives by stealing food and avoiding the Station Inspector (Sacha Baron Cohen). One of Hugo’s few possessions is a mechanical man left abandoned in his father’s museum, which they attempted to restore before his death. It has the ability to write and once repaired, Hugo hopes it will lead to some message from his dad. In order to do so, he steals parts from a toy store run by a man referred to by his granddaughter Isabelle (Chloe Grace Moretz) as Papa George (Ben Kingsley).

Spoiler alert.

I knew almost nothing about Hugo aside from a trailer depicting a boy living in a train station where something vaguely magical happens. That is where the film seems to head in the first act until Hugo learns Papa George is actually Georges Méliès. The former stage magician saw the potential in this newfangled contraption known as the movie camera. Méliès was the first to create elaborate sets and special effects in his pictures. He was the first to make fantasy and sci-fi movies. Méliès could even be considered one of the earliest victims of piracy as Thomas Edison exhibited his most famous film, A Trip to the Moon, in the States without giving Méliès a dime. Méliès made close to 500 silent pictures, but the majority has been lost over time. As depicted in Hugo, his studio eventually went bankrupt and most of his film reels were recycled into boot heels. The real-life Méliès really did work as a toy salesman in the Montparnasse station though he never met an ingenuous boy. Together, they forge an unlikely friendship as kindred souls lost in the clockwork machinery of a modernizing society.

Hugo acts as a love letter to early cinema and an impassioned plea for film preservation. Isabelle, who has never seen a movie, is introduced to the medium by Hugo with wide-eyed wonder. Together, they learn everything they can about Papa George and try to repair fix his broken spirit as Hugo has been doing with his automaton. Through Hugo and Isabelle, Scorsese looks to introduce a new audience to silent film. He makes sure to sprinkle in plenty of references to many of the most renowned works, such as Harold Lloyd's famous clock hanging sequence from Safety Last. This is when Hugo really shines, but it takes a while to get there. With a runtime of over two hours, Hugo is about twenty minutes too long with a first half that is meandering and unsure.

The train station becomes Hugo's movie screen as he observes the lives of the other workers in the station, such as the awkward flirtations between an elderly couple played by Richard Griffiths and Frances de la Tour as well as the one between the Inspector and a flower girl (Emily Mortimer). This is when Hugo gets bogged down with subplots that don't really add anything to the overall narrative. The Inspector himself is portrayed alternately as a foreboding villain and bumbling comic relief. Though he's played wonderfully by Sacha Baron Cohen, Scorsese never strikes the right tone for the character. Scorsese may have mastered many aspects of filmmaking, but physical comedy isn't one of them and most of the slapstick gags and wacky chases fall flat.

Visually, Hugo is nothing short of a masterpiece. Scorsese has immaculately crafted the world of Hugo with long-time collaborators like cinematographer Robert Richardson, editor Thelma Schoonmaker, and production designer Dante Ferretti. Scorsese's vision is so detailed that he even throws in background cameos by actors resembling James Joyce and Django Reinhardt. The movie's opening tracking shot that glides through the station platform and inside the clock tower will immediately bring to mind the iconic tracking shot from Goodfellas. Scorsese also makes better use of the 3D process than any other film aside from Coraline or Cave of Forgotten Dreams, even if it isn't essential to tell the story. He has created an immersive environment with a clear range and depth of field while adding a sense of wonder to all the moving gears and machinery. Even some of the subtler moments are given a little extra oomph thanks to the 3D, such as a sequence in which Sacha Baron Cohen's enormous head emerges from the screen to symbolize how the Inspector has grown a new awareness of the happenings around him. There's also something very strange about watching A Trip to the Moon in 3D.

Chloe Grace Moretz adds another fine performance to her resume as Isabelle and she often overshadows Asa Butterfield as the titular lead. The adults are all great with Emily Mortimer, Christopher Lee, and Michael Stuhlbarg as a film historian (and Scorsese's stand-in) all rounding out the excellent ensemble. However, the film lives and dies by the commanding and heartfelt performances from Ben Kingsley as Georges Méliès and Helen McCrory (better known as Narcissa Malfoy) as his wife Jeanne.

Hugo has received glowing reviews from many critics. Unfortunately, I don't share the same love for the film, which I found to be moving, yet uneven and overlong. As a tribute to silent cinema, Hugo, might have appeal more to adults and cinephiles than children.

Rating: ** ½ (*****)

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World - Dir. Robert Rodriguez (2011)

Robert Rodriguez has made his name as an innovative and visually inventive director in the action genre. He exploded onto the scene with the ultra-low budget El Mariachi before moving on to blockbusters like Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, and Sin City. In between his R-rated pictures, Rodriguez has helmed the kid-friendly series of Spy Kids movies. It's not too surprising considering Rodriguez is the father of five boys.

It made sense that the third movie, Spy Kids: Game Over, would launch the franchise into 3D. Eight years later, the fourth entry, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World was advertised as being presented in 4D. Time is considered to be the fourth dimension and while it plays a large role in the film, the 4D also referred to Aroma-Scope, Rodriguez's attempt to bring back Smell-O-Vision. Audience members were given scratch 'n' sniff cards, along with their 3D glasses, which gave them a whiff of scents like bubblegum, bacon, and chocolate. Perhaps, Spy Kids 5D will see the return of William Castle's "Tingler" gimmick where theaters are equipped with electrified seats. The following review is for the plain, old 2D version of Spy Kids.

Jessica Alba stars as Marissa Wilson, the top agent for the OSS, the Organization of Super-Spies. In her final mission before retirement, Marissa tracks down and captures Tick Tock, a villain who uses weapons that can temporarily freeze people in time. Why is she retiring? Because she's nine months pregnant and goes into labor while battling Tick Tock's henchmen. Rodriguez was inspired to make the movie after watching Alba change diapers on the set of Machete.

Marissa faces all new challenges as a happy homemaker. Her husband, Wilbur (Joel McHale), spends all his time working on his new reality show, Spy Hunters, where he fruitlessly searches for spies hiding in society. Her step-children, Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) and Cecil (Mason Cook), can't stand her and are always pulling messy pranks on her.

Marissa is called back into action by her superior, Danger D'Amo (Jeremy Piven), when a new supervillain known as the Timekeeper begins stealing time. This causes the days to flow faster than normal. The Timekeeper's next move is to activate the Armageddon Device and the only thing that can stop it is a gem called the Chrono Sapphire. As it turns out, Marissa gave it to Rebecca as a gift. Thus, the kids are dragged into the mission and teamed with the original Spy Kids, Carmen (Alexa Vega) and Juni (Daryl Sabara), who are all grown up. They receive help from a robotic attack dog named Argonaut (voiced by Ricky Gervais).

Spy Kids unfolds at a fast and furious pace, which is perfect for anyone who might have the attention span of a goldfish. It's a cinematic sugar rush; all candy colored and powered by hefty amounts of caffeinated cola. The youngsters will be entertained, but older folks might get a headache. The plot doesn't make a lick of sense and is bogged down by blunt messages about the importance of family. There's a disturbing amount of scatological humor with jokes about dog poop and farts. The heroes also incapacitate the bad guys with a dirty diaper and a bag of vomit. Joel McHale and Ricky Gervais are talented comedians, but neither man is given strong enough material to elicit even a modest chuckle. All the Time in the World also could have used the presence of past stars like Carla Gugino, Cheech Marin, and Danny Trejo (who only appears in a quick one scene cameo).

It's ironic that the theme of Spy Kids: All the Time in the World is about living in the present and not dwelling on the past. The Weinstein Company has been cannibalizing their own past in an effort to resurrect their successful franchises to grab some quick cash. I don't know if anyone was truly clamoring for another Spy Kids movie and after watching this latest one, it's doubtful their minds were changed. All the Time in the World is the definition of junk food cinema, a movie lacking in substance and not at all healthy for consumption.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Beginners

Beginners - Dir. Mike Mills (2011)

Beginners is a semi-autobiographical film from writer/director Mike Mills and based on his experiences with his father, who came out as a gay man at the age of 75 before dying of cancer five years later.

Standing in for Mills is Ewan McGregor, who stars as Oliver Fields, a graphic designer still coming to grips with the death of his father, Hal (Christopher Plummer). Oliver's parents entered into a marriage of convenience in the 1950's with Hal as a closeted homosexual and his wife, Georgia (Mary Kay Keller), a Jew. Both maintained appearances in order to move about in high society. They stayed together for nearly fifty years until Georgia's death. Five months later, Hal reveals to his son that he is gay and finds a renewed zest for life. Hal embraces gay culture by going clubbing, starting letter campaigns in support of gay-friendly politicians, and hosting movie nights where they watch The Times of Harvey Milk.

Beginners is told through three points in time. We see flashbacks to Oliver's unique childhood with his free-spirited mother as well as his relationship with his father as he battles terminal cancer. In the present, a melancholy Oliver falls in love with a beautiful French actress named Anna (Mélanie Laurent). The two meet in the cutest of all meet cutes. Oliver dresses as Sigmund Freud for a Halloween party where he dispenses in-character advice to other party-goers. Anna, dressed as communist spy Julius Rosenberg, lays on the couch next and communicates entirely through a notepad due to a case of laryngitis.

On a surface level, Beginners has all the quirky trappings of hipster cinema. Oliver and Anna engage in French New Wave inspired dates that involve roller skating through the lobby of a ritzy hotel and creating graffiti art during the late hours of the night. When Oliver learns his dad has a tumor in his lungs the size of a quarter, Mills cuts to a quarter followed by twenty five cents worth of pennies, nickels, and dimes. Oliver also inherits Hal's dog, a scruffy little Jack Russell terrier named Arthur, who communicates through subtitles like "I can understand up to 150 words, but I can't talk." Mills pushes the boundaries into being self-consciously cool from time to time. However, Beginners has a genuine soul not found in its insufferably twee brethren. The films of Mills' wife, Miranda July, come to mind.

Beginners finds a delicate balance between sorrow and joy. While some scenes could only happen in a movie, the dialogue is sharp and never feels phony. The performances from the lead actors are wonderful with Ewan McGregor headlining the movie with an understated turn. Mélanie Laurent brings a graceful beauty and soulfulness to her character and never devolves into the archetype of manic pixie dream girl. Christopher Plummer will likely earn an Oscar nomination for his whimsical performance as Oliver's elderly father.

Rating: *** (*****)

Larry Crowne

Larry Crowne - Dir. Tom Hanks (2011)

Tom Hanks has earned his reputation as an all-around nice guy and one of the most likeable actors in Hollywood. Hanks brings every ounce of that likeability for Larry Crowne, which marks his second film as a director following his debut behind the camera with 1996's That Thing You Do!

Hanks stars as the titular Larry Crowne, a mid-level employee for U-Mart, a big-box retailer resembling Target. Larry enlisted in the Navy straight out of high school and never went to college. This lack of higher education is cited as the primary reason for his lack of promotion into upper management. Since he can no longer advance any further, U-Mart executives decide to fire him despite years of exemplar service.

Larry finds himself in an all too familiar situation as a divorced, middle-aged man who is now unemployed and saddled with a mortgage he can no longer afford. Left with few options, Larry decides to enroll in community college. Thus begins a series of life-changing events for our affable protagonist.

First, he trades in his gas-guzzling SUV for a sporty scooter and befriends the cute and free-spirited Talia (Gugu Mbatha-Raw), who renames him "Lance Corona" and recruits him into her scooter gang. She even gives Larry a makeover, giving him a new hairdo and ditching his dorky polo shirts for a hip leather jacket. Next, Larry signs up for a morning class on informal speaking taught by the disillusioned Mercedes Tainot (Julia Roberts). Not only has she lost her passion for academia, but she also deals with a husband (Bryan Cranston), who considers posting on internet message boards as creating a beachhead in new media. He also surfs for porn, but since this is a PG-13 movie, the women are fully clothed.

In addition to directing, producing, and starring in Larry Crowne, Tom Hanks co-wrote the script with Nia Vardalos, whose My Big Fat Greek Wedding was championed by Hanks and wife Rita Wilson. Vardalos has yet to recapture the same success and the middling response to the clichéd Larry Crowne won't change that. The way in which the film offers sitcom solutions to complex issues borders on condescension. Is a degree from a community college really going to protect someone from the economic downturn? I know people with Master's degrees who are still having a rough time in the job market. How does Larry Crowne still manage to stay afloat in Los Angeles while working as a part-time short order cook? Sometimes Crowne comes off more as a man going through a mid-life crisis when he's wearing a leather jacket and wallet chain.

Larry Crowne was released the same weekend as Transformers: Dark of the Moon. It certainly serves its purpose as counter-programming to the hordes of loud, effects heavy blockbusters. Hanks and Roberts (who gets more beautiful with age) have a winning chemistry together and there are some fun performances from Taraji P. Henson and Rami Malek as an annoyingly dim classmate. Without a doubt, the best thing in the movie is George Takei as an eccentric economics professor. The boisterous Takei steals every one of his scenes. I wouldn't want to see Larry Crowne 2, but I'd readily shell out twelve bucks to see a spin-off starring the former Mr. Sulu.

It's obvious Larry Crowne was meant as a soothing salve on the gaping wounds caused by the financial collapse with Hanks serving as a modern day Frank Capra or Preston Sturges. Sadly, Hanks is unable to capture the heart and wit of those cinematic masters. It is simply populist pabulum with a tone as affable and easy-going as its leading man.

Rating: ** (*****)

13

13 - Dir. Géla Babluani (2011)

Remakes happen all the time. On occasion, those remakes will be helmed by the director of the original movie. Cecil B. DeMille first made The Ten Commandments as a silent film in 1923 before his more iconic version in 1956 with Charlton Heston. Alfred Hitchcock did the same with The Man Who Knew Too Much, which he originally directed in 1934 then remade in 1956 as well. Both directors were more experienced and polished the second time around and the remakes have become more renowned than their predecessors. Those may be exceptions to the rule. More often than not, the remake is considered a lesser picture compared to the original. Michael Haneke's Funny Games is a prime example though I'm not a fan of either version. The Pang Brothers' Bangkok Dangerous, which featured the unique concept of a hitman who was deaf. For the American remake starring Nicolas Cage, the lead was no longer deaf and the results were met with derision. This brings us to 13, a remake of 13 Tzameti, both of which were directed by Georgian-French filmmaker Géla Babluani.

Vince Ferro (Sam Riley) is an electrician whose family is drowning in debt. They are unable to make mortgage payments on their home and Vince's father requires expensive medical care. He overhears his employer discuss a lucrative opportunity after receiving a mysterious envelope. When said employer overdoses on heroin, Vince steals the letter and follows the byzantine instructions while unknowingly eluding the police.

Vince is taken to a ritzy mansion in the countryside and is shocked to learn he has become a participant (number 13) in a high stakes game of Russian roulette. The contestants are given a single bullet then stand in a circle and forced to aim a gun at the back of the next man's head. The survivors are given one more bullet with each successive round. The final round is a face to face duel between the last men standing. All the while, gangsters and wealthy ne'er do wells bet millions of dollars on who will live and die.

The majority of the competitors remain anonymous, but the narrative does delve into the back stories of two others. Mickey Rourke plays Jefferson, an American locked up in a Mexican prison after a heist who is shanghaied into the game. Ray Winstone is Ronald, who won last year's tournament and is checked out of a mental hospital by his brother, Jasper (Jason Statham).

Released in 2005, the original 13 was a minimalist noir shot in stark black and white. Babluani's film was a prescient parable about the wealthy elite exploiting the middle and lower classes. His remake is little more than empty imitation. For a movie where the stakes are life and death, 13 surprisingly lacks any tension. The original had a genuine sense of claustrophobia and you could almost smell the sweat on the brows of the players. Here, you just want the movie to hurry up and get on with it. Meanwhile, the histories of Jefferson and Ronald are dropped clumsily into the story. While Ronald and Jasper play relevant roles in the third act, Jefferson's didn't even need to be there.

13 has a stellar cast in its favor. Sam Riley, who was impressive as doomed Joy Division frontman Ian Curtis in Control, gives a strong performance as Vince. There are also solid turns from Rourke, Winston, Jason Statham, Michael Shannon as the emcee, Ben Gazzara as a dapper gambler, Alexander Skarsgard as Vince's handler, and David Zayas as a police detective. The worst performance, however, comes from rapper Curtis "50 Cent' Jackson, who might want to spend some money on acting lessons after his embarrassingly wooden turn here.

Despite an ensemble cast of name actors, 13 sat on the shelves for over a year before being released directly to video. 13 isn't so much a bad movie as it is a bland one where everyone involved seem to be going through the motions.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

The Three Musketeers

The Three Musketeers - Dir. Paul W.S. Anderson (2011)

Paul W.S. Anderson is a name feared by all right-thinking film critics. Much like Michael Bay, M. Night Shyamalan, and Uwe Boll, when Anderson's name appears in the credits, nothing good can come of it. Anderson takes time away from video game adaptations for The Three Musketeers, in which he turns Alexandre Dumas's seminal swashbuckling adventure into a garish and modernized thrill ride.

The story begins in Venice with Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Aramis (Luke Evans), and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) breaking into the vault of Leonardo da Vinci in order to steal blueprints for an airship. They are betrayed by Athos's paramour, Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich), who steals the plans for Lord Buckingham (Orlando Bloom) in order to build a fleet of flying war machines.

A year later, the Musketeers are now living in disgrace. Athos has become a drunkard, Aramis is relegated to being a glorified meter maid, and Porthos lives off richer women. Along comes the hotshot D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman) who hopes to follow in his father's footsteps as a Musketeer. They band together and uncover a plot by Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz) and Milady to plunge France into war against England by fabricating an illicit affair between Buckingham and the Queen (Juno Temple).

The Three Musketeers lives up to the reputation of its director as a mindless spectacle that is light on intelligence and heavy on action. There's plenty of lavishly choreographed swordfights such as when the Musketeers face the Cardinal's guards with the odds ten to one. These clashes are broken up with slow motion flourishes in the vein of Zack Snyder or the Wachowskis. Anderson's wife, Milla Jovovich, gets her chance to shine once again performing Resident Evil-style stunts while wearing ornate 17th century gowns and tight corsets. Her Milady is part-Mata Hari and part-ninja assassin. It's all so ludicrous, but the movie is pushed into absurd boundaries when a steampunk element is introduced through the use of flying pirate ships armed with turrets and flamethrowers. And just when all this action builds to a crescendo, it sinks like the Hindenburg thanks to a non-ending that shamelessly sets up a sequel.

Matthew Macfadyen and Luke Evans give solid performances as Athos and Aramis while Ray Stevenson follows Thor by once again playing the boisterous member of a trio of warriors. Logan Lerman is far too white bread to leave any impression as D'Artagnan and his romance with Gabriella Wilde as one of the Queen's ladies in waiting is equally bland. Christoph Waltz is never given the chance to really shine as one of the movie's many villains. As the Cardinal's henchman, Rochefort, Mads Mikkelsen is easily the best thing in Musketeers, playing a one-eyed man for the third time after Casino Royale and Valhalla Rising. Orlando Bloom is the worst thing in the movie. His attempts at playing an over-the-top bad guy are awful and thoroughly unconvincing.

As he did with Resident Evil: Afterlife, Anderson shot The Three Musketeers in 3D, but the process hardly adds anything to the experience aside from a dimmer picture and the occasional blade pointed at your face.

The Three Musketeers cost $75 million and has so far barely scrapped together $20 million in box office gross. Surely, Summit Entertainment can find better uses for all those piles of Twilight money. Even with a strong ensemble cast, Musketeers can't offer the empty excitement expected of shallow popcorn fare.

Rating: * (*****)

The Change-Up

The Change-Up - Dir. David Dobkin (2011)

2011 has been flush with raunchy, R-rated comedies. Though it received poor reviews, The Hangover Part II was undoubtedly the biggest financial success with a box office gross of over $300 million. Bridesmaids was more critically accepted and one of the better films of the year. There were also plenty of also-rans like Bad Teacher, Horrible Bosses, Friends with Benefits, and Hall Pass. Then, there's The Change-Up which takes a low-brow, Judd Apatow-style approach to that 80's staple – the body switch movie. Think Freaky Friday and Vice Versa with plenty of dick and poop jokes.

Dave Lockwood (Jason Bateman) is a workaholic lawyer with a loving wife, Jamie (Leslie Mann), and three kids. When he's not putting in long hours at the office and bucking for a promotion, Dave is up in the wee hours of the morning changing diapers and heating formula. His best friend, Mitch Planko (Ryan Reynolds), has no such responsibilities. As a wannabe actor, Mitch spends his days smoking pot, playing video games, and having kinky sex with a steady stream of loose women. After a night at the bar, the two of them piss into a fountain while idly wishing they had each others' lives.

The next morning, Dave and Mitch are shocked to discover they've switched bodies. To make matters worse, the magical fountain has been removed and lost in a sea of bureaucracy. They must make the most of their strange situation until they can find a way to switch back. Mitch is in way over his head taking care of a family while negotiating a multi-million dollar merger. On the other hand, Dave enjoys his new freedom as a carefree bachelor. There's even the possibility of a dalliance with his gorgeous assistant, Sabrina (Olivia Wilde). Is it really cheating if you're in someone else's body?

Don't expect The Change-Up to intelligently deal with high-falutin' questions of morality. Its primary concern is revealed during an opening scene featuring a baby's undulating sphincter followed by a shot of Jason Bateman getting a mouthful of projectile feces. The scatological humor is a recurring theme in The Change-Up with another gag involving Leslie Mann making a very noisy bowel movement and Ryan Reynolds being forced to stick his thumb up a woman's butthole during a making of a "lorno" (a light porno). The woman, by the way, is played by Taafe O'Connell, the scream queen best known for being raped by a giant worm in the Roger Corman production, Galaxy of Terror. I'm no prude. I enjoy good toilet humor every now and then, but the gross-out gags of The Change-Up wear thin real quick.

If an R-rated comedy can't offer up a few decent chuckles, you can at least expect some quality nudity, but The Change-Up isn't even able to do that. While we do see several actresses in various states of undress (including Leslie Mann), those breasts were all done through prosthetics or CGI. Those delightfully digital nipples may be fool many, but later effects depicting toddlers juggling kitchen knives and banging their heads against a crib are thoroughly unconvincing.

One reason why a film like Freaky Friday works is because there is a drastic difference between the two protagonists who have switched, Barbara Harris changing with a teenaged Jodie Foster or Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan in the remake. There isn't a lot to separate Bateman and Reynolds, especially since their acting styles and deliveries aren't far from each other. Bateman gets a little more to do than simply play the straight man, but Reynolds runs through his usual wisecracking persona throughout. Alan Arkin is completely wasted in a throwaway role as Mitch's disappointed dad. Olivia Wilde provides some of the film's few bright spots just by being cool and insanely hot.

You'd think Michael Bluth switching bodies with the Green Lantern would be more fun. "The Change-Up" had a lot of potential as it starred two proven comedic actors in Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds. It was helmed by David Dobkin, the director of "Wedding Crashers," and written by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore, who also penned "The Hangover" movies. Unfortunately, everyone goes through the motions. The results are a movie that is lazy, puerile, and ultimately forgettable.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

The Nutcracker

The Nutcracker - Dir. Andrei Konchalovskiy (2010)

As a film critic, I am blessed to be able to review and discuss so many great films. The trade off is that I am often forced to sit through some truly terrible ones. But, never have I run into a movie so horrible that it actually made me question my choice to become a critic. Never until The Nutcracker, a movie so wretched that it not only made me question my career choices, but made me question the very purpose of my life. Yes, the sheer horrendousness of The Nutcracker actually shook me on an existential level.

Filmmaker Andrey Konchalovskiy has had a long and varied career. He co-wrote the screenplay for Andrei Rublev with the great Andrei Tarkovsky along with directing films like Runaway Train and Tango & Cash. Okay, so they all can't be winners. Still, Tango & Cash is a cinematic classic compared to The Nutcracker: The Untold Story, a decades old dream project of Konchalovskiy's. These dreams must have come after imbibing of too much egg nog and fruitcake. Konchalovskiy and co-writer Chris Solimine adapted their script from Tchaikovsky's famed ballet and E.T.A. Hoffman's original story, The Nutcracker and the Mouse King, which inspired it. There are also Nazis because everything is improved with the addition of Nazis.

The film is set in Vienna during the 1940's with young Mary (Elle Fanning) looking forward to spending Christmas with her family. Those hopes are dashed when her parents (Richard E. Grant and the director's wife, Yuliya Vysotskaya) plan to attend a lavish party with all the other bluebloods. She is further irritated by her younger brother, Max (Aaron Michael Drozin), when he callously breaks her toys. The holiday picks up when the children are visited by their eccentric Uncle Albert Einstein (Nathan Lane), who gifts Mary with a wooden nutcracker. Later that night, Mary is shocked when the Nutcracker (voiced by Shirley Henderson) comes to life. It turns out the Nutcracker, calling himself N.C., is really a prince who was transformed and banished from his land by the evil Rat King (John Turturro) and his goose-stepping minions. Together, Mary and N.C. embark on a quest to break the curse and liberate the prince's kingdom.

Konchalovskiy's production is a nightmarish melding of musical and dance while blatantly stealing from other fantasy works like The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland. Another character, a dreadlocked drummer boy named Sticks (Africa Nile), looks like he wandered away from the cast of Stomp. The second-rate Terry Gilliam style set designs and special effects range from downright laughable to ugly eyesores. There is absolutely no sense of grandeur. There's no sense of grace to the few dance numbers in the picture. The first is an approximation of the "Waltz of the Snowflakes" with Elle Fanning twirling around with snow fairies in front of some atrocious green screen work. Later, we get John Turturro effeminately prancing around before electrocuting a shark inside an aquarium tank in a random reference to contemporary artist Damien Hirst's The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living. I suppose the audience is supposed to think Konchalovskiy is incredibly cultured and intelligent for throwing this into a kids' movie.

The one good thing The Nutcracker has going for it are the renowned compositions by Tchaikovsky. Unfortunately, Konchalovskiy finds a way to ruin those by drowning them out with inane lyrics by Tim Rice, who has written lyrics for Andrew Lloyd Webber (Jesus Christ Superstar, Evita) and Disney (Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King). Don't expect comparable work here, Rice must have pulled stuff out of his ass for a quick paycheck. The music gets off to a rotten start with Nathan Lane and his cartoonish German accent crooning a Mary Poppins-esque ditty about relativity to "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies."

Despite advertising itself as a whimsical fantasy for the whole family, The Nutcracker has enough creepy imagery that parents should be warned. In fact, some adults may also find some of its elements to be disturbing as well. When angered, Turturro's face morphs into a more deformed rat-like visage that instantly reminded me of Large Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. The wooden Nutcracker also has a sinister bent with his bulging, soulless eyes. There's also an unsettling monkey man. I haven't even gotten to how the rats are rounding up all the children's toys and throwing them into a massive crematorium. Talk about poor taste.

The Nutcracker was released into theaters at the end of 2010 around the same time as Sofia Coppola's Somewhere, which also starred Elle Fanning. You might notice she looks a lot younger here. That's because this film went into production in 2007 and set for a release in December of 2009 as The Nutcracker in 3D. However, the post-conversion process was so shoddily done that it was pushed back another year while the $65 million budget ballooned to a ridiculous $90 million.

Even when I have to write a bad review about a picture, I try to be diplomatic about it. I try to find at least one or two redeeming qualities. Alas, there are none aside from the miniscule relief I felt about not having to see this crap in 3D. I cannot hold back the epic levels of hatred I had for Konchalovskiy's The Nutcracker, which has earned a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. How did anyone possibly think anything about this movie was a good idea?

Rating: DUD