Machete Kills

Machete Kills - Dir. Robert Rodriguez (2013)

Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino paid homage to the exploitation movies of their youth with the 2007 double feature Grindhouse. They had big plans to turn it into a franchise until the film died at the box office. Still, there was enough interest to spinoff Machete, a machete wielding badass who made his first appearance in one of Grindhouse's faux-trailers.

Described as ”FBI, CIA, and DEA all rolled into one mean burrito," Machete starred in a self-titled feature film bolstered by over-the-top action and an eclectic cast that included Robert DeNiro and Lindsay Lohan. Of course, Machete couldn't have worked without its star, Trejo, the craggily faced and tattooed character actor in his biggest role to date. Trejo returns in the sequel, Machete Kills, which remains faithful to its B-movie roots while upping the ante by adding a sci-fi spin. There's a lead villain cut from the same mold as Hugo Drax from Moonraker and plenty of Star Wars references.

A mission to foil an arms deal ends disastrously for Machete and ICE agent Sartana (Jessica Alba). Our hero is about to be hanged by a redneck sheriff (William Sadler) when he's pardoned by President Rathcock (Charlie Sheen, billed under his real name of Carlos Estevez). POTUS sends Machete into Mexico to track down a nuclear weapon that has fallen into the hands of a former cartel leader known as Mendez the Madman (Demián Bichir), so called because of his multiple personalities. However, the real mastermind is revealed to be billionaire industrialist Luther Voz (Mel Gibson), who has concocted a plan to engulf the entire world in nuclear war.

Also returning for the sequel are Michelle Rodriguez as the one-eyed revolutionary She and Tom Savini as hitman Osiris Amanpour. Joining them are Amber Heard as beauty queen/secret agent Miss San Antonio and Sofia Vergara as Desdemona, leader of a gang of deadly prostitutes. While the cast is as star-studded as its predecessor, most of the actors (Vanessa Hudgens, for example) appear in glorified cameos. One character, a master of disguise named The Chameleon, is simply there to justify a string of gonzo, guest appearances by Walt Goggins, Lady Gaga, and Cuba Gooding Jr. Only a few get to make any real impression, such as Sheen who has fun playing into his tabloid persona as a boozehound and horndog. Bichir and Gibson (in his first turn as a bad guy) give the best performances as both actors straddle the line between cartoonish villainy and honest-to-goodness gravitas. Bichir, in particular, brings some surprisingly soulful moments to Machete Kills.

Rodriguez's flair for action isn't fully on display here. Machete Kills manages a couple of decent set pieces, usually involving Machete versus Chilean martial arts star Marko Zaror. Unfortunately, much of the film is repetitive with Rodriguez relying one too many times on his hero killing henchmen by throwing them into helicopter blades. Sofia Vergara, who plays it to the hilt, packs a high caliber brassier as well as the crotch gun from Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn. Even a catfight between Amber Heard and Michelle Rodriguez comes off dull.

Machete Kills opens with another faux-trailer for a third picture, Machete Kills Again…in Space, that offers more thrills than the actual movie that followed. Maybe it's time to say, "Adios," to this franchise.

Rating: ** (*****)

Bad Ass

Bad Ass - Dir. Craig Moss (2012)

Danny Trejo is bad ass. That's a little redundant. You don't really need a movie to tell you Trejo is a bad ass, but that's what we have. Bad Ass is loosely based on the internet video entitled, Epic Beard Man, in which an elderly gentleman pummeled an African-American man harassing him on the bus. Any racial context has been stripped away for this simplistic picture about a senior citizen dispensing his own brand of vigilante justice.

Frank Vega (Trejo) is a Vietnam vet, who returned from war to find his high school sweetheart has moved on with her life. There are no jobs either and he's forced to eke out a living selling hot dogs on the street corner. After beating up two skinheads on the bus, Frank becomes a viral sensation and nicknamed Bad Ass. Folks ask for his autograph and he even gets ride-alongs with a friendly police officer (Patrick Fabian). Life seems to be on the upswing until Frank's best friend, Klondike (Harrison Page), is gunned down in an alleyway. The cops aren't in any hurry to solve the case so Frank takes it upon himself to investigate. His amateur sleuthing uncovers a wider conspiracy involving a local crime lord named Panther (Charles S. Dutton) and the Mayor of L.A. (Ron Perlman).

Bad Ass comes to us from director Craig Moss, who co-wrote the screenplay with newcomer Elliot Tishman. Moss is mostly known for the Twilight spoof, Breaking Wind, and a Judd Apatow parody, The 41-Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It, a title more clever than anything in the actual film. Two low-budget comedies don't exactly inspire confidence for Moss's abilities as an action director. What we wind up with is a movie that deserves a more stylish bent than it receives. Moss doesn't handle the action scenes very well. The climactic fisticuffs between Trejo and Charles S. Dutton is laughable in an intentional way and appealing to anyone who has always fantasized of seeing Machete fight Roc. There's also a chase sequence between them aboard hijacked buses that references Red Heat. So much so that Moss lifted an entire sequence from the movie. Bad Ass is meant to invoke vigilante classics like Death Wish, but it's lacking in grittiness. The pacing of the film is so casual that there's no sense of suspense or stakes.

What saves Bad Ass is Danny Trejo himself. He cuts an imposing figure even when he's wearing a fanny back and cargo shorts. As a protagonist with a limited amount of income, Frank frequently rides the bus, which makes him the first action hero to rely on public transportation. The middle section of Bad Ass is devoted to Frank's romance with his neighbor, Amber Lamps (Joyful Drake). He rescues Amber from her abusive husband and befriends their son, who sets Frank up with a Bad Ass Facebook page. These scenes would normally be a drag, but Trejo makes them work with a corny sense of charm.

Bad Ass isn't a balls-out insane, exploitation film the way Machete or Hobo with a Shotgun were. It's a revenge movie that could have used a pulpier tone. Trejo alone is enough to make it a worthwhile viewing if you have 90 minutes to kill. Bad Ass is currently streaming on Netflix Instant.

Rating: ** (*****)

Recoil

Recoil - Dir. Terry Miles (2012)

The most recognizable name in profession wrestling is arguably Hulk Hogan. He was the largest attraction of the 1980's during the height of the rock 'n' wrestling era when Vince McMahon's WWF enjoyed unheralded mainstream attention. No one ever came close to capturing that same popularity until the late-90's with Steve Austin. Once known as "Stunning" Steve Austin, the blonde haired pretty boy remade himself into "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, a beer-guzzling, foul mouthed redneck with a hair trigger temper. After retiring from wrestling, Austin transitioned to the equally colorful world of action movies. Aside from supporting roles in The Longest Yard and The Expendables, his only starring vehicle released theatrically was the WWE-produced The Condemned. Austin has mostly stuck with direct-to-video films like The Stranger, Hunt to Kill, and Tactical Force. His latest picture is Recoil, which co-stars another renowned tough guy in Danny Trejo.

Trejo spent over a decade in prison where he became a boxing champion before meeting another reformed convict in Eddie Bunker, who is probably best known for his bit role as Mr. Blue in Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs. Bunker co-wrote and acted in 1985's Runaway Train where Trejo made his acting debut while training Eric Roberts to box. Since then, Trejo has had a prolific career thanks to his gruff voice, craggy face, and tattooed body.

Austin stars as Ryan Varrett, a former cop, who has become a vigilante since the brutal murder of his family. He travels across the country in a 1968 Plymouth GTX exacting his own brand of justice on killers who have escaped the long arm of the law. While hunting down a serial rapist nicknamed the Highwayman, he arrives in the tiny town of Hope. This seemingly sleepy burg is controlled by the Circle, a ruthless biker gang run by Drayke (Trejo). The few citizens still living in Hope have none as they live in fear of Drayke, who uses the town as the hub of his drug trafficking ring. Varrett decides to clean the place up with the help of a sympathetic sheriff's deputy (Adam Greydon Reid) and the lovely Darcy (Serinda Swan), a widower running a generally empty motel.

Recoil follows the basic formula of a classic Western with Austin as the taciturn stranger, who rides into a frontier town to make it safe once again for law-abiding citizens. The screenplay by John Sullivan isn't Shakespeare or even Shane Black. It's riddled with corny dialogue and tough guy clichés (the hero walks away from an explosion in slow motion). The plot is incredibly thin with Austin mainly kicking someone's ass, waiting around, and then kicking someone else's ass again before we finally get the one-on-one confrontation between Austin and Trejo.

The fight scenes aren't anything to crow about, but they are competently staged. Austin isn't a martial arts expert nor does he move around with a lot of grace. That works for him as Austin is portrayed as a force of nature. He's a human wrecking machine tearing through a legion of bad guys that appear to have wandered off the set of Sons of Anarchy. Is he a subtle and nuanced actor? No, but he can do the stoic badass with an icy stare with ease. As for Trejo, he appears to have a lot of fun playing the lead villain rather than the henchman for a change. There's even a sly Machete reference where Trejo contemplates using his signature weapon before derisively tossing it aside.

Recoil is your standard low-budget action fare that's elevated solely by the presence of Steve Austin and Danny Trejo. It can be a fun time if you check your brain at the door and lower your expectations.

Rating: ** (*****)

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World - Dir. Robert Rodriguez (2011)

Robert Rodriguez has made his name as an innovative and visually inventive director in the action genre. He exploded onto the scene with the ultra-low budget El Mariachi before moving on to blockbusters like Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, and Sin City. In between his R-rated pictures, Rodriguez has helmed the kid-friendly series of Spy Kids movies. It's not too surprising considering Rodriguez is the father of five boys.

It made sense that the third movie, Spy Kids: Game Over, would launch the franchise into 3D. Eight years later, the fourth entry, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World was advertised as being presented in 4D. Time is considered to be the fourth dimension and while it plays a large role in the film, the 4D also referred to Aroma-Scope, Rodriguez's attempt to bring back Smell-O-Vision. Audience members were given scratch 'n' sniff cards, along with their 3D glasses, which gave them a whiff of scents like bubblegum, bacon, and chocolate. Perhaps, Spy Kids 5D will see the return of William Castle's "Tingler" gimmick where theaters are equipped with electrified seats. The following review is for the plain, old 2D version of Spy Kids.

Jessica Alba stars as Marissa Wilson, the top agent for the OSS, the Organization of Super-Spies. In her final mission before retirement, Marissa tracks down and captures Tick Tock, a villain who uses weapons that can temporarily freeze people in time. Why is she retiring? Because she's nine months pregnant and goes into labor while battling Tick Tock's henchmen. Rodriguez was inspired to make the movie after watching Alba change diapers on the set of Machete.

Marissa faces all new challenges as a happy homemaker. Her husband, Wilbur (Joel McHale), spends all his time working on his new reality show, Spy Hunters, where he fruitlessly searches for spies hiding in society. Her step-children, Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) and Cecil (Mason Cook), can't stand her and are always pulling messy pranks on her.

Marissa is called back into action by her superior, Danger D'Amo (Jeremy Piven), when a new supervillain known as the Timekeeper begins stealing time. This causes the days to flow faster than normal. The Timekeeper's next move is to activate the Armageddon Device and the only thing that can stop it is a gem called the Chrono Sapphire. As it turns out, Marissa gave it to Rebecca as a gift. Thus, the kids are dragged into the mission and teamed with the original Spy Kids, Carmen (Alexa Vega) and Juni (Daryl Sabara), who are all grown up. They receive help from a robotic attack dog named Argonaut (voiced by Ricky Gervais).

Spy Kids unfolds at a fast and furious pace, which is perfect for anyone who might have the attention span of a goldfish. It's a cinematic sugar rush; all candy colored and powered by hefty amounts of caffeinated cola. The youngsters will be entertained, but older folks might get a headache. The plot doesn't make a lick of sense and is bogged down by blunt messages about the importance of family. There's a disturbing amount of scatological humor with jokes about dog poop and farts. The heroes also incapacitate the bad guys with a dirty diaper and a bag of vomit. Joel McHale and Ricky Gervais are talented comedians, but neither man is given strong enough material to elicit even a modest chuckle. All the Time in the World also could have used the presence of past stars like Carla Gugino, Cheech Marin, and Danny Trejo (who only appears in a quick one scene cameo).

It's ironic that the theme of Spy Kids: All the Time in the World is about living in the present and not dwelling on the past. The Weinstein Company has been cannibalizing their own past in an effort to resurrect their successful franchises to grab some quick cash. I don't know if anyone was truly clamoring for another Spy Kids movie and after watching this latest one, it's doubtful their minds were changed. All the Time in the World is the definition of junk food cinema, a movie lacking in substance and not at all healthy for consumption.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Saint John of Las Vegas

Saint John of Las Vegas - Dir. Hue Rhodes (2010)

Next to Christopher Walken, Steve Buscemi has to be my favorite character actor ever. His unconventional facial features and unique inflections make him stand out from the majority of actors working today. He's had so many memorable roles: Fargo, Reservoir Dogs, The Big Lebowski, Ghost World, and a dramatic turn in last year's The Messenger. No matter how bad a movie is, you can at least depend on Buscemi to be entertaining. Never has he had to work so hard to make such subpar material work than with Saint John of Las Vegas.

Saint John marks the feature debut of writer/director Hue Rhodes who took inspiration for the movie from Dante's Inferno. Buscemi plays John Alighieri, a former compulsive gambler now working as a claims adjuster for an insurance company in Albuquerque. He's engaged in a relationship with perky co-worker, Jill (Sarah Silverman), who has an infatuation with smiley faces and is carrying on an affair with their boss, Mr. Townsend (Peter Dinklage).

After bucking for a raise and a promotion, John winds up being sent on the road to investigate the claim of a stripper named Tasty D. Lite (Emmanuelle Chriqui), who lives outside of Vegas. She was supposedly left confined to a wheelchair with a neckbrace following a rear collision with another car. John is paired up with a veteran investigator in Virgil (Romany Malco). John is apprehensive about all this because he fears he will fall back into old habits the closer he gets to Sin City. While on the road, John and Virgil encounter all sorts of oddballs, such as a nudist colony of gun toting cowboys and a carnival worker (John Cho) sealed inside a flame-retardant suit. His scenes are as witty as the film gets to referencing Dante. No one can help the poor guy until the incendiary rig he's hooked up to, which engulfs him in flames every few minutes, runs out of fuel. Ironically, all he really wants is a cigarette.

Saint John has a hard time focusing on what it wants to be. The beginning of the movie has potential to be an amusing work place comedy ala Office Space due to the eccentricities of John and his co-workers. However, the rest of the film unfolds as a derivative indie road movie. The run-ins with all these strange characters are supposed to suggest the various Circles of Hell described by Dante, each one representing Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, etc. This is all well and good, if not for the fact that there is no flow in the story. The plot feels like a series of random vignettes tied loosely together without any sense of cohesion. There's not a strong enough character arc to carry the audience through the journey either. It's all just quirky for quirky's sake.

It's a credit to Buscemi's wealth of talent that he's able to make Saint John vaguely watchable. Peter Dinklage and Sarah Silverman are also very good in their supporting roles. Buscemi's sourpuss act contrasts well with Silverman's sunny disposition. But, they aren't enough to make Saint John of Las Vegas worth your time.

Rating: * ½

Machete

Machete - Dirs. Robert Rodriguez & Ethan Maniquis (2010)


”If you’re gonna hire Machete to kill the bad guy; you better make damn sure the bad guy isn’t you!”

As the summer movie season draws to a close, the studios can only offer movie-going audiences the scraps of its production slate. All the big blockbusters like Iron Man 2 and Inception have already been released, leaving the doldrums of August and September with films like The Switch and Vampires Suck. Thankfully, a pair of flicks has hit theaters to save us from the dregs. I’m speaking of Piranha 3D and Machete, both of which are throwbacks to the bygone days of drive-ins and B-movies. Also, both movies are drenched in violence, gratuitous nudity, and a wry sense of humor.

Machete began life as one of the mock trailers for Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s ode to exploitation films, Grindhouse. The money shot of the trailer featured Danny Trejo flying through the air on a motorcycle with a mini-gun attached to it as everything explodes behind him. If that didn’t make you want to see a full-fledged Machete film, then you must not have a pulse.

Trejo is one of the most recognizable character actors working today thanks to a body littered with tattoos and a weathered face that looks like he was carved from well-worn granite. He spent over a decade in prisons like San Quentin and Soledad before going legit and getting into the movie industry thanks to ex-con and Reservoir Dogs star Eddie Bunker. Trejo’s first job was for 1986’s Runaway Train as a bit player and boxing trainer for Eric Roberts. Since then, he’s seen as a heavy in films like Heat, Con Air, and Desperado, his first collaboration with Rodriguez. It was then that Rodriguez was inspired to write the original screenplay for Machete with Trejo using his prowess with bladed weapons for good, instead of evil.

The prologue begins with Machete, a hard-assed Federale, heading into a showdown with the ruthless drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal with a noticeable paunch). The opening has about half a dozen decapitations and a naked woman pulling a cell phone out of a very secure area of her body. That pretty much sets the wild tone for the rest of the film. Torrez murders Machete’s wife and leaves him for dead. Also, every time Seagal draws his sword, we hear the bionic sound effect from The Six Million Dollar Man.

Of course, Machete survives and three years later, he has relocated to Austin, Texas where he ekes out a modest living as a day laborer. He befriends Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), a taco vendor who runs an underground network to provide work and safe harbor for illegal immigrants. Both of them are being watched by Sartana (Jessica Alba), a sympathetic agent for ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement).

One day, Machete is approached by wealthy businessman Booth (Jeff Fahey) for a lucrative job. Not knowing who he really is, Booth hires Machete to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro), a Texas politician running a no-tolerance campaign against illegal immigrants. He compares them to parasites and terrorists and advocates an electrified border fence. The Senator is in league with Lt. Von Jackson (Don Johnson), a fanatical border patrolman and leader of a pack of vigilantes that make the Minutemen look like the Girl Scouts. As it turns out, Booth is actually McLaughlin’s campaign aide and is framing Machete to drum up support for his boss in the election. On top of that, all the bad guys are working for Torrez. It’s the kind of excessively complicated plot hilariously lampooned in another exploitation homage, Black Dynamite.

Just to get it out of the way, yes, Machete is a film touching upon hot button topics. While it is obvious where Robert Rodriguez’s sympathies lie, you could hardly call it a politically charged movie. It is hard to take any accusations against the film seriously since the film hardly takes itself seriously. It is doubtful Machete will incite a race war with Mexicans riding into battle in lowriders armed with rocket launchers.

Rodriguez shares directing duties with editor Ethan Maniquis and both thoroughly maintain the picture’s over-the-top tone. Machete dispatches his foes in all manner of gruesome methods. Machete doesn’t just use his namesake weapon; he also utilizes surgical implements and gardening tools. In one scene, he repels down the side of a building using a man’s intestines. Machete isn’t just a fighter; he’s a lover too, bedding down nearly every beautiful lady he encounters. Rodriguez accentuates every love scene by breaking out the 70’s porno music.

Rodriguez and Maniquis know how to shoot action and they know hot to shoot their lovely starlets. Michelle Rodriguez looks particularly sultry with an eye patch and half t-shirt while firing off a double-barreled shotgun. Then, there’s Jessica Alba whose shapely figure is on display during a shower scene though the naughty bits have been strategically hidden.

After making a career of playing anonymous henchmen, Trejo finally gets his chance to shine and he doesn’t disappoint. He fits seamlessly into the lead role. He may not have matinee idol looks, but he has a ‘Don’t F—k with Me’ aura about him. The craggily face and the badass presence are definitely reminiscent of Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin. He’s a man of few words, speaking only in short, terse sentences. Don’t ever ask Machete to send you a text message either. ”Machete don’t text.”

With Trejo as his star, Rodriguez fills out the supporting cast with an eclectic assortment of actors. The oddball selection shouldn’t work, but it does as just about everyone plays their parts to a tee. Don Johnson’s cruel border guard is far removed from the pastel wearing Sonny Crockett and Jeff Fahey is wonderfully odious as the crooked Booth. DeNiro affects a Southern accent not too dissimilar to Max Cady from Cape Fear Many of the director’s usual players are also present in Machete including: Cheech Marin as a shotgun-toting priest, Tom Savini as a hired gun who offers his services with 1-800-HITMAN, and former Spy Kid Daryl Sabara as a wannabe cholo. Lindsay Lohan is cast in type as a drug-addled socialite, but doesn’t seem to understand the joke.

Much like Grindhouse, Machete uses artificial scratches on the film stock to give it that vintage feel. It also recycles several scenes originally shot for the trailer.

Described as ‘Mexploitation,’ Machete is pure ultraviolent schlock. It’s popcorn entertainment for R-rated audiences.

Rating: ***

Predators

Predators - Dir. Nimrod Antal (2010)


The original Predator remains a classic action film. It starred two future governors in Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Arnold in all his one-liner glory (”Stick around!”). Throw in Carl Weathers, great character actors like Bill Duke and Sonny Landham, and Lethal Weapon scribe Shane Black and you’ve got a testosterone heavy ensemble ready. The reputation of the first picture was tarnished by a less than stellar sequel and a pair of ill-advised Alien vs. Predator crossovers. Predators looks to right old wrongs.

The film is based on an old spec script written by Robert Rodriguez back in the mid-90’s. Screenwriters Alex Litvak and Michael Finch used that as a template with Rodriguez serving as producer and Nimrod Antal as director.

Predators literally drops the audience into the thick of things along with the protagonists. We watch Adrien Brody, as a no-nonsense mercenary, plummeting towards a dense jungle. He runs into an assortment of highly-trained soldiers and ruthless killers. They include a sniper for the Israel Defense Forces (Alice Braga), an enforcer for the Mexican drug cartels (Danny Trejo), a death row inmate (Walt Goggins), a Russian spetsnaz troop (former UFC fighter Oleg Taktarov), a member of a Sierra Leone death squad (Mahershalalhashbaz Ali), and a silent gangster for the Yakuza (Louis Ozawa Changchien). Topher Grace is the only one who sticks out like a sore thumb as a nerdy and seemingly harmless doctor.

They quickly realize they are stuck on an alien gaming preserve, being hunted by the Predators armed with advanced technology such as cloaking devices and cheesy infrared scanners.

Less than successful sequels generally verge too drastically from the previous picture. In such cases, a third film will go back to formula. Back to the Future was mainly about the love story between Marty McFly’s parents with time travel a secondary plot point. The sequel was all about time travel turning it into a cluttered and confusing mess. Though set in the Old West, Back to the Future III again focused on a love story involving Doc Brown. Predator 2 tried to change things up by placing the Predator into an urban setting. Predators returns them to the jungle in slightly different fashion.

Those of you who’ve seen the first Predator will find many familiar elements to the threequel. There’s a scaredy Latino woman and a big dude with an even bigger Gatling gun. One character challenges a Predator to a knife fight while another covers himself in mud. Composer John Debney borrows heavily from the musical cues of Alan Silvestri’s original score.

The film wastes no time in kicking off the action. There are no opening credits, no text crawl or exposition. It keeps things simple as well. You won’t even learn most of the characters’ names unless you read the end credits. They have no time for introductions and the audience doesn’t need them. They are fodder for the Predators so we are spared any lengthy back stories. Instead, the filmmakers keep the focus on the action as we get several great sequences. Hungarian director Nimrod Antal made his debut with Kontroll, following that up with the horror flick Vacancy and last year’s underrated Armored.

Antal directs in an old school fashion staying away from modern techniques like shaky cam and breakneck editing that only serve to confuse the action. Antal also forgoes heavy CGI, using it only as a way to accentuate practical effects. Predators was shot on location in Hawaii and the real jungles are a positive antithesis to the Day-Glo garishness of Pandora. The film is hard R too. It’s appropriately violent, but not overly gruesome.

Adrien Brody may seem an unlikely action hero. He’s not as physically imposing as Arnold, but he’s more than believable as a tough guy. The other actors do well in their roles as well with Topher Grace bringing some understated comic relief. Walt Goggins is also there for comic relief, but in an over-the-top fashion. His good ol’ boy character very similar to the one he played on The Shield. Laurence Fishburne chews up his scenes and spits them out in an all too brief role as a soldier who’s been on the planet a little too long.

Predators may not reinvent the wheel, but it didn’t need to. This is the kind of good, dumb fun that’s been lacking in today’s action film. The only missing ingredient would be quotable lines like, ”I ain’t got time to bleed,” and ”Stick around!”

Rating: ** ½

Fanboys

Fanboys - Dir. Kyle Newman (2008)


A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a pair of writers, Ernest Cline & Adam F. Goldberg, wrote a script called Fanboys. The screenplay was snatched up by Kevin Spacey’s Trigger Street Productions and the Weinstein Company. The film was scheduled for release in 2007, but in a rare move, the Weinsteins gave the filmmakers more money to shoot additional scenes. Internet circles were abuzz, but reshoots were delayed until all cast members were available. Even then, original director Kyle Newman was unavailable and reshoots were taken over by Steven Brill (Drillbit Taylor) whose lack of Star Wars knowledge and profanity laced emails (in response to fan attacks) won him no popularity contests. Harvey Weinstein stepped in, looking to excise a cancer storyline in favor of more nudity and crude humor which prompted fans to start a ‘Stop Darth Weinstein’ petition. The film was finally released in an extremely limited run at the beginning of 2009 before being dumped to DVD this May.

So, was it worth the wait? This fanboy says, ‘no.’

Fanboys stars a core group of four friends; Eric (Sam Huntington), Linus (Chris Marquette), Hutch (Dan Fogler), and Windows (Jay Baruchel). All of them diehard Star Wars fans eagerly awaiting the release of the upcoming of Episode I. Eric was once best friends with Linus before drifting apart after ditching their dream of becoming comic book creators for a safe job at his dad’s car dealership. Eric returns to the fold when he’s informed that Linus has cancer. The quartet make a pact to break into Skywalker Ranch and steal a print of Phantom Menace for Linus to see before its too late. From there, the movie becomes a standard road trip film as the boys get into all sorts of misadventures such as a brawl with Star Trek fans, taking peyote in the desert with Danny Trejo, and meeting an angry Harry Knowles (Ethan Suplee) in Austin, Texas. Along the way, the film is littered with cameos from Star Wars personalities such as Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams, and Ray Park as well as Kevin Smith (who was the second choice to play Knowles after Lost star Jorge Garcia) and Apatow players Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, and Craig Robinson.

Fanboys acts as both an homage and send-up of obsessive geek culture. It takes a few jabs at the exceedingly high expectations that fans had for the new Star Wars films without actually commentating on its quality. Much like Phantom Menace, there was a lot of anticipation for Fanboys so it’s a shame that the humor is so unoriginal. Gags include characters arguing over incestuous feelings between Luke & Leia and a Trekkie (sorry, Trekker) angering our heroes by calling Han Solo a ‘bitch.’ I wasn’t expecting any deep insights into the thought processes of the average nerd, but I was expecting some inventiveness in the jokes. Fanboys won’t be very accessible to anybody who hasn't memorized every line from the trilogy.

Those of you familiar with Jay Baruchel’s gawky beanpole act in Knocked Up and Tropic Thunder will get more of the same. He provides some of the film’s most amusing moments including a funny Willow reference. Kristen Bell also shows some sparks as the token female of the group. Meanwhile, Dan Fogler sucks the life out of nearly every scene he’s in with his Jack Black-lite act.

Rating: **