Machete Kills

Machete Kills - Dir. Robert Rodriguez (2013)

Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino paid homage to the exploitation movies of their youth with the 2007 double feature Grindhouse. They had big plans to turn it into a franchise until the film died at the box office. Still, there was enough interest to spinoff Machete, a machete wielding badass who made his first appearance in one of Grindhouse's faux-trailers.

Described as ”FBI, CIA, and DEA all rolled into one mean burrito," Machete starred in a self-titled feature film bolstered by over-the-top action and an eclectic cast that included Robert DeNiro and Lindsay Lohan. Of course, Machete couldn't have worked without its star, Trejo, the craggily faced and tattooed character actor in his biggest role to date. Trejo returns in the sequel, Machete Kills, which remains faithful to its B-movie roots while upping the ante by adding a sci-fi spin. There's a lead villain cut from the same mold as Hugo Drax from Moonraker and plenty of Star Wars references.

A mission to foil an arms deal ends disastrously for Machete and ICE agent Sartana (Jessica Alba). Our hero is about to be hanged by a redneck sheriff (William Sadler) when he's pardoned by President Rathcock (Charlie Sheen, billed under his real name of Carlos Estevez). POTUS sends Machete into Mexico to track down a nuclear weapon that has fallen into the hands of a former cartel leader known as Mendez the Madman (Demián Bichir), so called because of his multiple personalities. However, the real mastermind is revealed to be billionaire industrialist Luther Voz (Mel Gibson), who has concocted a plan to engulf the entire world in nuclear war.

Also returning for the sequel are Michelle Rodriguez as the one-eyed revolutionary She and Tom Savini as hitman Osiris Amanpour. Joining them are Amber Heard as beauty queen/secret agent Miss San Antonio and Sofia Vergara as Desdemona, leader of a gang of deadly prostitutes. While the cast is as star-studded as its predecessor, most of the actors (Vanessa Hudgens, for example) appear in glorified cameos. One character, a master of disguise named The Chameleon, is simply there to justify a string of gonzo, guest appearances by Walt Goggins, Lady Gaga, and Cuba Gooding Jr. Only a few get to make any real impression, such as Sheen who has fun playing into his tabloid persona as a boozehound and horndog. Bichir and Gibson (in his first turn as a bad guy) give the best performances as both actors straddle the line between cartoonish villainy and honest-to-goodness gravitas. Bichir, in particular, brings some surprisingly soulful moments to Machete Kills.

Rodriguez's flair for action isn't fully on display here. Machete Kills manages a couple of decent set pieces, usually involving Machete versus Chilean martial arts star Marko Zaror. Unfortunately, much of the film is repetitive with Rodriguez relying one too many times on his hero killing henchmen by throwing them into helicopter blades. Sofia Vergara, who plays it to the hilt, packs a high caliber brassier as well as the crotch gun from Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn. Even a catfight between Amber Heard and Michelle Rodriguez comes off dull.

Machete Kills opens with another faux-trailer for a third picture, Machete Kills Again…in Space, that offers more thrills than the actual movie that followed. Maybe it's time to say, "Adios," to this franchise.

Rating: ** (*****)

Fast and Furious 6

Fast and Furious 6 - Dir. Justin Lin (2013)

Fast five…furious six.

Who would have thought that the Fast and Furious franchise would still be going strong over a decade later? Probably not anyone who has seen the early films. The Fast and the Furious was a rough looking B-movie directed by schlockmaster Rob Cohen with a story lifted right out of Point Break, just with cars instead of surfboards. 2 Fast 2 Furious was a mind-numbing take on the buddy action pic that was at least benefited from the gorgeous Miami setting and slick direction by John Singleton. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift was a threequel that should have gone straight to video as it featured none of the original actors though Vin Diesel made a brief cameo. What saves Tokyo Drift from the scrapheap were some cool racing sequences, the introduction of Sung Kang as the laid back Han, and Justin Lin stepping behind the wheel to steer the series forward.

Fast and Furious was a fresh start, doing away with the articles and subtitles as it transitioned the franchise from the subculture of street racing to thunderous action. Fast Five was essentially The Avengers on four wheels, culling together an all-star team of past characters and reveling in widescreen vehicular mayhem. Good to know that Furious 6 is more of the same.

When last we left them, Dominic Toretto (Diesel) and his cohorts were living the high life after stealing millions of dollars from a Brazilian drug lord. Not exactly hiding his newfound wealth, Toretto is easily found by federal agent Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson), who recruits his band of racers to bring down a new gang led by a former Special Forces operative named Owen Shaw (Luke Evans). One of Shaw's henchmen just happens to be Toretto's previously dead girlfriend Letty Ortiz (Michelle Rodriguez), now suffering from amnesia. Shaw has cut a path of destruction across Europe in an attempt to steal the parts to build an electromagnetic weapon that can disable a country's entire defense network.

Furious 6 features a loaded ensemble and the movie doesn't give everybody a fair share of the spotlight. Jordana Brewster's Mia Toretto, for example, is pushed off to the side. Meanwhile, the charisma of Dwayne Johnson and the braggadocio of Tyrese Gibson more than offset the monotone growling of Vin Diesel and the bland Paul Walker. Screenwriter Chris Morgan, who has been at Lin's side since Tokyo Drift, doesn't write the snappiest banter, but the chemistry of the principal cast make it work. In regards to the new characters, Luke Evans doesn't make much of an impression as the villain, mostly because there isn't a lot on the page aside from his quest for a MacGuffin device. Gina Carano is a welcome addition though she's only there for a pair of knockdown, drag-out catfights with Michelle Rodriguez. Also thrown into the mix is Joe Taslim from The Raid: Redemption who gets into a wicked brawl with Gibson, Kang and a handful of hapless Bobbies in the London subway.

Despite some fun fisticuffs, the driving sequences don't match up to Fast Five, especially the climactic carnage through the streets of Rio. After a lengthy opening section in which the band gets back together, Lin finally gets loose with a London chase. There's some cool stuff such as the use of a modified formula-1 racer with a ramp that flips oncoming cars. However, most of the action is lost in the frenetic camerawork and the dark nighttime setting. The same problems occur at the conclusion during a wild set piece in which our heroes race alongside a massive cargo plane on what must have been the longest runway in the world. The pursuit is broken up into several smaller battles, which have been energetically edited together. The best sequence happens to be when Shaw hijacks a tank and callously crushes innocent bystanders on the highway.

Fast and Furious 6 is everything you want from an overblown summer blockbuster. The engines roar at ear-splitting decibels as the g-forces push against you until your brain cells turn to mush. There's some apprehension about Fast and Furious 7 since Universal fast-tracked (no pun intended) for next summer leading to the departure of Justin Lin and the arrival of James Wan (Saw, Insidious). However, the post-credit sequence effectively teases that we will be in for quite a ride.

P.S. – Kudos go to Morgan and Lin for their architecture of the series mythology. Either through meticulous planning or just last-minute retcons, they've managed to cast Tokyo Drift, arguably the worst of the franchise, into a new intriguing light.

Rating: *** (*****)

Resident Evil: Retribution

Resident Evil: Retribution - Dir. Paul W.S. Anderson (2012)

Trying to make sense of the convoluted mythos of the Resident Evil film franchise is a more daunting task than attempting to complete the games on the highest difficulty level. Even the architects of the series, writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson and his wife/starlet Milla Jovovich, can’t tell what the hell is happening. That hasn’t stopped them from soldiering on with a fifth film, Resident Evil: Retribution.

Proof that Anderson has sacrificed substance at the altar of style is found in the opening credits, which play out in reverse, slow-motion 3D. Picking up where Resident Evil: Afterlife left off, Alice (Jovovich) and the survivors on board a cargo freighter are attacked by forces of the Umbrella Corporation led by a brainwashed Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory). From there, Jovovich gives the audience a recap of the series so far. Next is a prologue out of Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake with Alice as a suburban housewife married to Carlos Olivera (Oded Fehr) with a deaf daughter named Becky (Aryana Engineer). As the zombies slaughter everyone, Alice awakens naked (save for a convenient towel) in a holding cell where she's tortured by Valentine. Suddenly, Alice is freed by Ada Wong (Li Bingbing) and former archenemy Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts), who has been usurped from his position as Umbrella boss by the malevolent A.I. from the first movie, The Red Queen (Megan Charpentier).

Alice learns she is trapped inside a massive research facility beneath the Arctic where Umbrella has recreated major cities around the world to test their biological weapons on unsuspecting clones, including good and evil versions of past characters like Rain Ocampa (Michelle Rodriguez) and James Shade (Colin Salmon). Meanwhile, an assault team consisting of Leon Kennedy (Johann Urb), Barry Burton (Kevin Durand), and Luther West (Boris Kodjoe) is dispatched to rescue Alice and Ada.

Retribution scores a minor victory in the fact that it comes closest to replicating the video game experience more than any other game adaptation. The protagonists collect items and weapons in order to advance from one level to the next with helpful map graphics to orient the viewer. It's about as thrilling as watching someone play video games while hogging the controller. The barebones plot shamelessly rips off Aliens with Becky fulfilling the role of Newt to Alice's Ripley in a vain effort to inject some heart into this hollow action flick. The connections between each installment are tenuous with Anderson hitting the reset button whenever he feels the need. Alice has superpowers then she doesn't. Not that it matters either way since she has no problems defeating hordes of the undead with gravity defying flips, all while dressed in a tightly buckled leather outfit. It still provides more protection than Ada Wong's combat attire of a slinky evening gown and strappy high heels.

At least, Anderson keeps the pace brisk and action packed so as not to call attention to the thin plot or the clipped dialogue recited in increasingly wooden fashion by the cast.

Resident Evil: Retribution is more visually impressive than its predecessors, but no less dull or derivative. Only the most hardcore fans of the series will be entertained, especially by an open ending that threatens us with additional mind-numbing sequels.

Rating: * (*****)

Battle: Los Angeles

Battle: Los Angeles - Dir. Jonathan Liebesman (2011)

Battle: Los Angeles takes the sci-fi spectacle of alien invasion movies like Independence Day and War of the Worlds and combines it with the gritty realism of combat films like Saving Private Ryan and Black Hawk Down.

Battle: LA opens promisingly enough as the invasion is in full force and Earth's armies are in disarray. Cities have fallen and casualties are numerous. Then, the rug gets pulled out from under the audience. Yes, this is one of those movies that starts in the middle of the story, and then takes you back to the beginning in order to slowly introduce the main characters. Not the best example, but Predators knew how to do it right. Don't bother with a lengthy prologue; just drop the characters (and the audience) right into the thick of things. Flesh the characters (however thin) out through their actions while moving the story forward, rather than stopping it dead for extended dialogue scenes. But, I digress.

Aaron Eckhart is SSgt. Michael Nantz, who is putting in for retirement following a disastrous tour in the Middle East when he lost all the Marines under his command. That retirement is nixed when meteorites begin raining down on Earth. Nantz is assigned to a platoon out of Camp Pendleton and headed up by Lt. Martinez (Ramon Rodriguez), a fresh face straight out of officer school. The Marines initially believe they are to assist with emergency efforts. They are horrified when news footage shows alien forces laying waste to the beaches of Santa Monica.

The platoon are dropped into L.A. and tasked with rescuing any civilians taking shelter inside a nearby police precinct house. Their group takes heavy losses during an alien ambush and barely makes it to the police station. Along the way, they join up with a ragtag group of survivors from other military branches, including Air Force Tech Sgt. Elena Santos (Michelle Rodriguez). Inside the building, they find only two orphaned children, Joe Rincon (Michael Pena) and his son Hector (Bryce Cass), and a veterinarian (Bridget Moynahan).

I'd describe the Marines in greater detail, but I honestly couldn't remember anything specific about most of them. The platoon is a diverse mix of soldiers from many backgrounds, including a Nigerian medic and another Marine (played by pop singer Ne-Yo) nicknamed Specs because of his thick black-rimmed glasses. There's a fellow from Jersey, a confident sharpshooter, a rookie who has yet to see combat, and Michelle Rodriguez in the Michelle Rodriguez role. I'm surprised they didn't trot out the guy who dies five minutes after showing everyone a picture of his girl back home. One soldier suffers from post-traumatic stress, but aside from an early scene in his psychiatrist's office, it never comes up again probably because it was redundant of Nantz's subplot.

Making the characters further indistinguishable is the fact they are dressed in full combat gear along with the heavy use of handheld cameras. Luckily, the battle scenes aren't as nauseating as some of Paul Greengrass's work. I've gotten use to seeing shaky camera work for action sequences, but not for ordinary dialogue scenes. When Nantz speaks to his CO, the camera bobs and weaves to dizzying effect.

Unable to generate any genuine emotion, the filmmakers go for cheap tactics such as throwing children off bridges and cutting to close-ups of their crying faces whenever possible. The clichéd characters speak in a continuous stream of clichés along the lines of, "Don't die on me now, man," "Give this to my wife…," "Nobody gets left behind," "America, f**k yeah!" In the end, Eckhart delivers a stirring speech to rally the men and it's a credit to the actor he was able to lift it above the inherent pandering jingoism. With his good looks and cleft chin, Eckhart is suitably cast as the all-American G.I. Joe.

Battle: Los Angeles is on par with watching someone play Call of Duty for two hours with the volume on full blast. If you're the forgiving sort who is only in it for cool special effects and lots of explosions, Battle: Los Angeles will offer you the thrills of a summer blockbuster three months early.

Rating: ** (*****)

Machete

Machete - Dirs. Robert Rodriguez & Ethan Maniquis (2010)


”If you’re gonna hire Machete to kill the bad guy; you better make damn sure the bad guy isn’t you!”

As the summer movie season draws to a close, the studios can only offer movie-going audiences the scraps of its production slate. All the big blockbusters like Iron Man 2 and Inception have already been released, leaving the doldrums of August and September with films like The Switch and Vampires Suck. Thankfully, a pair of flicks has hit theaters to save us from the dregs. I’m speaking of Piranha 3D and Machete, both of which are throwbacks to the bygone days of drive-ins and B-movies. Also, both movies are drenched in violence, gratuitous nudity, and a wry sense of humor.

Machete began life as one of the mock trailers for Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s ode to exploitation films, Grindhouse. The money shot of the trailer featured Danny Trejo flying through the air on a motorcycle with a mini-gun attached to it as everything explodes behind him. If that didn’t make you want to see a full-fledged Machete film, then you must not have a pulse.

Trejo is one of the most recognizable character actors working today thanks to a body littered with tattoos and a weathered face that looks like he was carved from well-worn granite. He spent over a decade in prisons like San Quentin and Soledad before going legit and getting into the movie industry thanks to ex-con and Reservoir Dogs star Eddie Bunker. Trejo’s first job was for 1986’s Runaway Train as a bit player and boxing trainer for Eric Roberts. Since then, he’s seen as a heavy in films like Heat, Con Air, and Desperado, his first collaboration with Rodriguez. It was then that Rodriguez was inspired to write the original screenplay for Machete with Trejo using his prowess with bladed weapons for good, instead of evil.

The prologue begins with Machete, a hard-assed Federale, heading into a showdown with the ruthless drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal with a noticeable paunch). The opening has about half a dozen decapitations and a naked woman pulling a cell phone out of a very secure area of her body. That pretty much sets the wild tone for the rest of the film. Torrez murders Machete’s wife and leaves him for dead. Also, every time Seagal draws his sword, we hear the bionic sound effect from The Six Million Dollar Man.

Of course, Machete survives and three years later, he has relocated to Austin, Texas where he ekes out a modest living as a day laborer. He befriends Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), a taco vendor who runs an underground network to provide work and safe harbor for illegal immigrants. Both of them are being watched by Sartana (Jessica Alba), a sympathetic agent for ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement).

One day, Machete is approached by wealthy businessman Booth (Jeff Fahey) for a lucrative job. Not knowing who he really is, Booth hires Machete to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro), a Texas politician running a no-tolerance campaign against illegal immigrants. He compares them to parasites and terrorists and advocates an electrified border fence. The Senator is in league with Lt. Von Jackson (Don Johnson), a fanatical border patrolman and leader of a pack of vigilantes that make the Minutemen look like the Girl Scouts. As it turns out, Booth is actually McLaughlin’s campaign aide and is framing Machete to drum up support for his boss in the election. On top of that, all the bad guys are working for Torrez. It’s the kind of excessively complicated plot hilariously lampooned in another exploitation homage, Black Dynamite.

Just to get it out of the way, yes, Machete is a film touching upon hot button topics. While it is obvious where Robert Rodriguez’s sympathies lie, you could hardly call it a politically charged movie. It is hard to take any accusations against the film seriously since the film hardly takes itself seriously. It is doubtful Machete will incite a race war with Mexicans riding into battle in lowriders armed with rocket launchers.

Rodriguez shares directing duties with editor Ethan Maniquis and both thoroughly maintain the picture’s over-the-top tone. Machete dispatches his foes in all manner of gruesome methods. Machete doesn’t just use his namesake weapon; he also utilizes surgical implements and gardening tools. In one scene, he repels down the side of a building using a man’s intestines. Machete isn’t just a fighter; he’s a lover too, bedding down nearly every beautiful lady he encounters. Rodriguez accentuates every love scene by breaking out the 70’s porno music.

Rodriguez and Maniquis know how to shoot action and they know hot to shoot their lovely starlets. Michelle Rodriguez looks particularly sultry with an eye patch and half t-shirt while firing off a double-barreled shotgun. Then, there’s Jessica Alba whose shapely figure is on display during a shower scene though the naughty bits have been strategically hidden.

After making a career of playing anonymous henchmen, Trejo finally gets his chance to shine and he doesn’t disappoint. He fits seamlessly into the lead role. He may not have matinee idol looks, but he has a ‘Don’t F—k with Me’ aura about him. The craggily face and the badass presence are definitely reminiscent of Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin. He’s a man of few words, speaking only in short, terse sentences. Don’t ever ask Machete to send you a text message either. ”Machete don’t text.”

With Trejo as his star, Rodriguez fills out the supporting cast with an eclectic assortment of actors. The oddball selection shouldn’t work, but it does as just about everyone plays their parts to a tee. Don Johnson’s cruel border guard is far removed from the pastel wearing Sonny Crockett and Jeff Fahey is wonderfully odious as the crooked Booth. DeNiro affects a Southern accent not too dissimilar to Max Cady from Cape Fear Many of the director’s usual players are also present in Machete including: Cheech Marin as a shotgun-toting priest, Tom Savini as a hired gun who offers his services with 1-800-HITMAN, and former Spy Kid Daryl Sabara as a wannabe cholo. Lindsay Lohan is cast in type as a drug-addled socialite, but doesn’t seem to understand the joke.

Much like Grindhouse, Machete uses artificial scratches on the film stock to give it that vintage feel. It also recycles several scenes originally shot for the trailer.

Described as ‘Mexploitation,’ Machete is pure ultraviolent schlock. It’s popcorn entertainment for R-rated audiences.

Rating: ***

Avatar

Avatar - Dir. James Cameron (2009)


What a way to close out the year. Avatar is THE event picture ardent film-goers have been waiting. Critics such as A.O. Scott and Roger Ebert have likened it to the way audiences must have felt when they first saw Star Wars in theaters back in 1977. Nearly two decades ago, James Cameron revolutionized computer effects with the morphing technology in Terminator 2 and The Abyss. Only a few short years later, he helmed the biggest, box office blockbuster in history in Titanic. Now, he’s hoping to tap into an audience just as wide while revolutionizing FX again with the sci-fi epic, Avatar.

Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a paraplegic combat vet whose twin brother was recently murdered in a mugging. Sully is tasked as his brother’s replacement off-planet on the faraway world of Pandora. The planet is inhabited by an alien race called the Na’Vi, lanky, 10-foot tall, feline-like creatures that hunt with bows & arrows and ride on dragon-esque creatures. The atmosphere is toxic to humans so a group of scientists led by Dr. Grace Augustyn (Sigourney Weaver) have developed clones genetically engineered from human and Na’vi DNA. They can be controlled telepathically and used to communicate with the natives who aren’t too trusting of us hairless apes. Sully signs up with the program so he can pay for the expensive procedure to fix his legs, an operation he couldn’t normally afford, ”…not in this economy,” he states.

As with most sci-fi flicks, Earth has been trashed and a nameless corporation is desperate to get its hands on Pandora’s resources, in particular an ore dubbed (seriously), “unobtainum.” Funny thing is, after viewing and digesting the film, I can’t, for the life of me, recall why it is they need the stuff. Is it for fuel? Manufacturing? All I know is, it’s worth a shit-ton of money. Like Weyland-Yutani and Cyberdyne, the corporation is more concerned with profits than human (or humanoid) lives. At their disposal, is a private army led by Col. Quaritch (Stephen Lang), a gung-ho he-man with tunnel vision and a hard-on for wiping out the indigenous natives. Sully is initially sent to spy on the Na’vi and learn their ways and weaknesses. Of course, he falls in love with Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), the daughter of the tribal leader, and switches allegiances. Sully rallies the Na’vi into a final battle against the human forces.

Also included in the cast are Joel David Moore and Drag Me to Hell’s Dileep Rao as fellow scientists in the Avatar program, Giovanni Ribisi as the corporate representative, and Michelle Rodriguez as a hotshot pilot who is essentially a variation of Vasquez from Aliens.

Cameron began writing Avatar back in the mid-90’s, but had to wait it out until motion capture animation and 3D projection caught up with his imagination. The production budget is estimated to be around $230 million and you can push that above the $300 million mark when you include advertising. Those are very conservative estimates on my part and I’m not counting whatever money they sunk into R&D. All that money and hype pumped into Avatar and I couldn’t help but think, was that all?

Visually, Avatar is a masterpiece and a stunning technological achievement. As Sully explores the world of Pandora, so does the audience. The 3D effects of Avatar are far beyond the gimmicky days of characters throwing random objects at the crowd. The film opens up, allowing the audience into its bioluminescent wonderland. At times, the 3D is subtle enough that you won’t even notice it. Cameron can still direct the hell out of a movie. The climactic battle sequence never descends into a mess of special effects the way the Star Wars prequels did. The motion capture of Avatar is leaps and bounds ahead of the stiff, plastic looking animation used by Robert Zemeckis in his movies.

If only Cameron had spent as much time developing the flaccid script as he did with the remarkable CGI. Avatar completely and utterly fails in the story department with a hackneyed plot that’s part-Dances with Wolves, part-Pocahontas. I kept waiting for everyone to bust out a campfire rendition of "Colors of the Wind." It's the old "poor, outmatched primitives who can only be saved by the brave white man" deal. The characters are one-dimensional and every plot twist is telegraphed. Cameron uses all the subtlety of a sledgehammer when it comes to espousing his messages on American imperialism and today’s economic and ecological crises. The same goes for the clunky bits of exposition that are awkwardly dropped into the dialogue as the film begins. Like the John Henry of filmmakers, Cameron continues swinging that sledgehammer with Sully’s voice-over narration. Cameron uses it the way no one should ever use narration, yet everyone still does it, by simply telling the audience what they already know. If you couldn’t figure out that Sully was conflicted about his mission, Cameron makes sure to spell it out in excruciatingly dull detail.

Sam Worthington has definitely earned the role of action hero for the new decade. He’s made less than stellar work such as Avatar and Terminator Salvation much better with his screen presence. He should do the same for the Clash of the Titans remake and rumor has it he’s in line for the lead in the upcoming Flash Gordon redo. Sigourney Weaver, who is more Dian Fossey than Ellen Ripley here, lends some credibility to an otherwise underwritten role. The same goes for Stephen Lang who seems to have popped out of nowhere this year. After great performances in Public Enemies and The Men Who Stare at Goats, Lang completes the hat trick with Avatar having fun with his cartoon character Colonel.

Avatar definitely deserves to be seen on a big screen. If you can’t see it in IMAX 3D, then at the very least, see it in regular 3D though your peepers might be strained after three hours of eye candy. However, in the end, that’s all it really is, eye candy. Avatar is gorgeous to look at, but it lacks the soul and pathos of recent sci-fi films like Moon or even District 9.

Rating: **

Fast & Furious

Fast & Furious - Dir. Justin Lin (2009)


The original film in the Fast & Furious franchise, directed by schlockmeister Rob Cohen, was essentially Point Break with cars instead of surfboards and Vin Diesel’s Dominic Toretto as a more intense anti-hero than Patrick Swayze’s Zen-like Bohdi. Both films end with the protagonist (Paul Walker in the former, Keanu Reeves in the latter, both equally wooden) reaching a level of respect for his nemesis and allowing him to flee on his own terms. Following The Fast and the Furious was the ridiculously titled sequel, 2 Fast 2 Furious (now helmed by John Singleton), with only Paul Walker returning as FBI agent Brian O’Conner. A third film of direct-to-video quality was unfathomably foisted onto the public. Directed by Justin Lin, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift dumped all previous characters though Toretto appears towards the end in a quick cameo.

For those who find articles too difficult to remember, the succinctly titled Fast & Furious, is likely to be right up your alley. Toretto and his girlfriend, Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), have fled the U.S. since the first film and have found their way to the Dominican Republic. After Toretto strikes out on his own, he learns that Letty has been murdered in L.A. by a drug lord named Arturo Braga. Returning to America, Toretto runs right into O’Conner is also tracking down Braga. They reluctantly agree to work together to work their way into Braga’s organization which has been smuggling drugs across the border with street racers as the mules.

I’ve probably made the paper thin plot sound far more complex than it actually was. Fast & Furious offers nothing new to anybody who hasn’t already seen a million other action films. Walker is the scruffy rebel smothered by his by-the-books superiors while Jordana Brewster fills the role of the sweet girl caught in the middle of the conflict. I think Vin Diesel is a better actor than most give him credit for, but here he’s just required to be the burly, baritone beefcake who stands there and looks menacing.

Fast & Furious does break out of the starting gate with a strong set piece featuring Toretto’s gang attempting to highjack a gasoline tanker truck. If you saw the trailer, you know what I’m talking about. But, the rest of the film gets saddled with clichés, painful dialogue, and leaden performances. The climax is built around a chase sequence with cars racing through a network of underground mining tunnels. While it might have seemed cooler on paper, the final product leaves much to be desired. The race is lit too darkly while the shots and angles are too muddled to give you any idea of what was happening. It’s nearly as disorienting as the opening car chase in Quantum of Solace. On top of all that, the CGI cars make the sequence look like something out of a video game. Justin Lin was once the toast of the indie scene after the success of Better Luck Tomorrow, yet he seems more than content with making mainstream pap.

Was anyone truly clamoring for a FOURTH installment of the Fast and the Furious franchise? Surprisingly, there were as Fast & Furious did over $70 million in box office its opening weekend, a record for the month of April. Is it exactly high art? Nope, but it is brainless entertainment and a slightly satisfying (if fattening) appetizer for those looking to whet their taste buds for the upcoming summer blockbuster season.

Rating: * 1/2