Escape Plan

Escape Plan - Dir. Mikael Hafstrom (2013)

"You hit like a vegetarian."

Stallone. Schwarzenegger. Two of the biggest action heroes in movie history with a combined body count well into the triple digits. Fans have always wanted to see them fight side by side, except the right project never came about. Sure, there's The Expendables, but Arnold's appearances were brief and they had to share the screen with a bunch of other red blooded action stars. Escape Plan is the first proper team-up for Stallone and Schwarzenegger though sometimes it feels like a film 20 years too late.

Stallone is Ray Breslin, a specialist who has spent decades breaking out of maximum security prisons to test their fallibilities. Breslin and his shifty partner (Vincent D'Onofrio) accept a $5 million payday from a CIA agent to test the security for a black bag prison housing criminals no country wants to house. The location is top secret so Breslin won't be able to receive outside help from his associates (Amy Ryan & Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson), who are uneasy about the whole deal. He should have listened because somebody paid a lot of money to keep him locked away for good.

Breslin is dropped into the Tomb and left at the mercy of the ruthless Warden Hobbs (Jim Caviezel), who has used Breslin's own work to shore up the Tomb's defense. Breslin finds an unlikely ally in fellow prisoner Emil Rottmayer (Schwarzenegger), the right-hand man for a mysterious boss named Mannheim, who holds the key to dismantling the European banking industry.

Escape Plan has the undeniable scent of an 80's actioner right out of the Cannon playbook. It has no desire to be anything more than unsophisticated B-movie fun. The story itself is riddled with plot holes. Never mind that Breslin's MacGyver-esque methods of escaping from prison are so convoluted that nobody else could ever possibly think of them, let alone threaten prison security. These issues will hardly cross your mind until after the film has ended because of the sheer screen presence of Stallone and Schwarzenegger. They may be decades past their prime and the banter doesn't have the same zing as it used to, but it's still a joy to see them sharing scenes. The audience cheered wildly when the former Terminator armed himself with a heavy machine gun. Jim Caviezel is suitably cartoonish as a warden so vicious, he hires Vinnie Jones as his head guard. He starts by doing the low-key, minimalist performance as seen on Person of Interest and then turns the dial up past 11 when he has to. Sam Neill and Amy Ryan are absolutely wasted in the throwaway roles of the weary prison doctor and Breslin's right-hand woman, respectively. Finally, the less said about Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson woefully miscast as a computer expert, the better.

Escape Plan pales in comparison to action classics like Predator, First Blood, and The Terminator, but it's certainly worth a viewing should it pop up on Netflix.

Rating: ** (*****)

13

13 - Dir. Géla Babluani (2011)

Remakes happen all the time. On occasion, those remakes will be helmed by the director of the original movie. Cecil B. DeMille first made The Ten Commandments as a silent film in 1923 before his more iconic version in 1956 with Charlton Heston. Alfred Hitchcock did the same with The Man Who Knew Too Much, which he originally directed in 1934 then remade in 1956 as well. Both directors were more experienced and polished the second time around and the remakes have become more renowned than their predecessors. Those may be exceptions to the rule. More often than not, the remake is considered a lesser picture compared to the original. Michael Haneke's Funny Games is a prime example though I'm not a fan of either version. The Pang Brothers' Bangkok Dangerous, which featured the unique concept of a hitman who was deaf. For the American remake starring Nicolas Cage, the lead was no longer deaf and the results were met with derision. This brings us to 13, a remake of 13 Tzameti, both of which were directed by Georgian-French filmmaker Géla Babluani.

Vince Ferro (Sam Riley) is an electrician whose family is drowning in debt. They are unable to make mortgage payments on their home and Vince's father requires expensive medical care. He overhears his employer discuss a lucrative opportunity after receiving a mysterious envelope. When said employer overdoses on heroin, Vince steals the letter and follows the byzantine instructions while unknowingly eluding the police.

Vince is taken to a ritzy mansion in the countryside and is shocked to learn he has become a participant (number 13) in a high stakes game of Russian roulette. The contestants are given a single bullet then stand in a circle and forced to aim a gun at the back of the next man's head. The survivors are given one more bullet with each successive round. The final round is a face to face duel between the last men standing. All the while, gangsters and wealthy ne'er do wells bet millions of dollars on who will live and die.

The majority of the competitors remain anonymous, but the narrative does delve into the back stories of two others. Mickey Rourke plays Jefferson, an American locked up in a Mexican prison after a heist who is shanghaied into the game. Ray Winstone is Ronald, who won last year's tournament and is checked out of a mental hospital by his brother, Jasper (Jason Statham).

Released in 2005, the original 13 was a minimalist noir shot in stark black and white. Babluani's film was a prescient parable about the wealthy elite exploiting the middle and lower classes. His remake is little more than empty imitation. For a movie where the stakes are life and death, 13 surprisingly lacks any tension. The original had a genuine sense of claustrophobia and you could almost smell the sweat on the brows of the players. Here, you just want the movie to hurry up and get on with it. Meanwhile, the histories of Jefferson and Ronald are dropped clumsily into the story. While Ronald and Jasper play relevant roles in the third act, Jefferson's didn't even need to be there.

13 has a stellar cast in its favor. Sam Riley, who was impressive as doomed Joy Division frontman Ian Curtis in Control, gives a strong performance as Vince. There are also solid turns from Rourke, Winston, Jason Statham, Michael Shannon as the emcee, Ben Gazzara as a dapper gambler, Alexander Skarsgard as Vince's handler, and David Zayas as a police detective. The worst performance, however, comes from rapper Curtis "50 Cent' Jackson, who might want to spend some money on acting lessons after his embarrassingly wooden turn here.

Despite an ensemble cast of name actors, 13 sat on the shelves for over a year before being released directly to video. 13 isn't so much a bad movie as it is a bland one where everyone involved seem to be going through the motions.

Rating: * ½ (*****)