Priest

Priest - Dir. Scott Stewart (2011)

Priest is supposed to be based on a Korean comic book series. Upon viewing the final product, it seems as if the filmmakers didn't even bother to read the books and chose to rip off better and more successful pictures. It's a sci-fi, action Western that's heavy on the religious imagery and light on plot and intelligence. Paul Bettany once again steps into the role of post-apocalyptic avenger with his Legion director Scott Stewart. Just as Legion was essentially Assault on Precinct 13 with angels and demons, Priest is The Searchers with vampires instead of Indians.

Priest begins promisingly enough with an animated prologue done by Genndy Tartakovsky (Dexter's Lab, Samurai Jack). This opening details how the world was ravaged by a centuries-long war between humans and vampires, re-envisioned as feral, eye-less creatures. Eventually the Church employed priests, skilled warriors bred to hunt and kill vampires. The priests cut down the blood-sucking hordes and forced the remaining survivors onto closely guarded reservations. With the battle now over, the priests found it difficult to re-integrate into normal life. They are forced to work menial labor and considered pariahs to a frightened society ruled over by the Church.

Bettany, as the nameless Priest, lives in a walled off city filled with neo-Gothic skyscrapers adorned with video billboards that may remind sci-fi fans of Blade Runner. Orwellian speak placards (FAITH WORK SECURITY) are plastered throughout the theocratic metropolis. He receives word that the vampire menace has returned and attacked the family of his brother, Owen (Stephen Moyer), and kidnapped daughter Lucy (Lily Collins). The Church council headed by Monsignor Orelas (Christopher Plummer) refuses to acknowledge the growing danger lest it tarnish their image of infallibility. Priest defies their commands, teaming with Lucy's boyfriend, a young sheriff named Hicks (Cam Gigandet) to rescue her and defeat Black Hat (Karl Urban), a former Priest transformed into a human/vampire hybrid. The Church sends the lovely Maggie Q and a trio of other priests to apprehend their errant brother.

Leaving the dystopian city, the setting shifts to a post-apocalyptic wasteland that's equal parts Judge Dredd, Mad Max, and Star Wars. The characters zoom across the desolate horizons on high-tech motorcycles. Priest doesn't bother with trifling things like logic and character development, jumping into one action sequence to another. Not counting the end credits, the film runs a little over eighty minutes so, at least, it knows not to overstay its welcome. The action is completely silly with more slow motion shots than all of Zack Snyder's movies combined. Priest doesn't use guns to fight vampires because he's armed with crucifix-shaped throwing stars. When Priest visits his brother on his deathbed, you can't help but think Stephen Moyer looks in good shape despite being mauled by demonic creatures.

The acting is as wooden as the stakes you usually see being plunged into the heart of a vampire with Cam Gigandet faring the worst as the dull gunfighter. Christopher Plummer (perhaps his most embarrassing pic since Starcarsh) and Karl Urban are wasted in one-note roles as is the great Brad Dourif in a throwaway part as a snake oil salesman.

Following the 3D trend, Priest was converted in post-production, but I viewed it in old fashioned 2D. The majority of the film occurs at night or in dark underground settings. I had enough of a hard time trying to see what's happening and I can't imagine how much darker it was in 3D.

Priest is the kind of mindless action movie that may satisfy those craving for junk food cinema. Anyone else will see it as a boring, derivative mess that will soon find its way into the Wal-Mart discount dump bin underneath unsold copies of Ultraviolet and Jonah Hex.

Rating: * (*****)

Burlesque

Burlesque - Dir. Steve Antin (2010)

When pop stars break into acting, it's usually not a pretty sight. One need not look any further than Mariah Carey in Glitter or Britney Spears in Crossroads. Christina Aguilera's big screen debut may not be very memorable, but it isn't nearly as dreadful.

The one-time Mouseketeer plays Ali, a small town girl from Iowa who hops on the bus to Los Angeles to fulfill her dreams of stardom. She pounds pavement going from one fruitless audition to another until she comes across The Burlesque Lounge on the Sunset Strip. She's immediately floored by the exquisite costumes and elaborate dance numbers. Ali is desperate for a job there, but is turned down flat by the club's owner Tess (Cher). She finds some sympathy from Tess's gay best friend, Sean (Stanley Tucci), and the handsome bartender, Jack (Cam Gigandet), who gives her a job as a waitress. She eventually impresses Tess enough to become a dancer, earning enmity from the club's previous centerpiece, the jealous and alcoholic Nikki (Kristen Bell). The girls, with the exception of Tess, are called on to merely lip synch the tunes. An act of sabotage by Nikki backfires allowing Ali to show off her "mutant lungs" for a rendition of Etta James' "Tough Lover." Just like that she becomes the new star attraction.

Meanwhile, Tess is fighting to save the club when she falls behind on mortgage payments. Her ex-husband and business partner, Vince (Peter Gallagher), is pressuring her to sell out to real estate mogul, Marcus Gerber (Eric Dane). The exceedingly rich Marcus has his eyes on not just the club, but on Ali as well. Our plucky heroine is ensnared in a love triangle between the kind-hearted Jack and the high life that only Marcus can give her.

Burlesque was directed by Steve Antin, the brother of Pussycat Dolls founder, Robin Antin. It's clear where Antin's influences lie as he apes Bob Fosse and Rob Marshall in the staging of his dance numbers. These are showy sequences reminiscent of Cabaret and Chicago. Speaking of which Alan Cumming, who played the Emcee in the 1998 Broadway production of Cabaret, essentially reprises the role here in a glorified cameo. The guys at the Lounge wear bowlers and eyeliner while looking like metrosexual versions of the Droogs from A Clockwork Orange. Though the film is called Burlesque and is set in a burlesque club, there's not a lot of actual burlesque involved aside from a toned down fan dance. Nobody gets naked and the outfits stay well within the realm of the PG-13 rating.

Antin also received sole credit for the screenplay, which was worked on at various times by Diablo Cody (Juno), Susannah Grant (Erin Brockovich), and John Patrick Shanley (Moonstruck, which earned Cher an Oscar for Best Actress). The results are a hodgepodge of clichés as we follow the journey of a young waif through the seductive world of Hollywood. It's predictable and chock full of corny lines like, "I held back your hair while you threw up everything, but your memories." There's an earnestness to each scene as everyone takes things deadly serious rather than playing up the obvious camp qualities.

Nobody goes to see a movie like Burlesque for a deeply moving script, they go for the music. Aguilera and Cher are more than capable of carrying the soundtrack with their powerful vocals, but the songs themselves don't feel worthy of their talents. None of them stick in your head or have you humming them on the drive home. The only tune that sticks out is an odd concoction that samples Marilyn Manson's "Beautiful People."

As the lead, Aguilera is never called upon to do anything demanding in terms of acting. She's there to sing, dance, and look good. Don't expect a transformation from Plain Jane, she's glamorous from the beginning and becomes even more glamorous as the film progresses. However, Burlesque utterly belongs to Cher and Stanley Tucci, who steal the movie whenever they're onscreen together.

While your intrepid film critic was unimpressed by the trite Burlesque, some of my fellow audience members were hooting and hollering at the garish spectacle. This one is strictly for fans of Xtina and Cher.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Easy A

Easy A - Dir. Will Gluck (2010)

Easy A might be the surprise hit of the summer. I wasn't expecting much, but it is several notches above recent teen comedies that favor raunchiness and gross-out gags.

Emma Stone has seen her star rise steadily since debuting in Superbad. She cemented her status as one of the most talented actresses today with roles in The House Bunny and Zombieland. Even in subpar movies like The Rocker and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, she's able to shine. In Easy A, Stone receives her first starring role as Olive Penderghast, a virtual non-entity attending high school in Ojai, California. To avoid going on a camping trip with her best friend Rhiannon (Alyson Michalka), Olive tells her she's got a date with a boy who goes to community college. The boy doesn't exist and Olive actually spends her weekend at home giving the dog a pedicure and listening incessantly to Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine."

Olive's little white lie begins to spiral out of control when Rhiannon jumps to the conclusion that her BFF lost her virginity to this imaginary boyfriend. Olive rolls with it and the news that she busted her cherry is spread all over campus by Marianne (Amanda Bynes), the self-righteous leader of a circle of Christian conservatives. Next, she's approached by Brandon (Cougar Town's Dan Byrd) who is constantly bullied due to his homosexuality. They concoct the plan to fake having sex at a wild party to pass Brandon off as straight. Soon, Olive is trading pretend sexual favors for gift cards in order to bolster the reputations of the school's geeks, losers, and fatties. One gawky kid can only sheepishly offer a coupon to Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Taking inspiration from The Scarlet Letter, Olive decides to really roll with it by dressing provocatively and embroidering a big red A on her clothing. Before nobody knew she existed, now Olive is turning heads wherever she goes. However, her newfound notoriety isn't all it is cracked up to be considering no guys have bothered to ask her out on real dates.

Easy A doesn't have the bite of the darker edged Heathers. It doesn't have the resonance of the John Hughes films it references multiple times, even if the redheaded Emma Stone reminds one of Molly Ringwald. Still, there is an underlying level of poignancy, especially given the recent spotlight shown on teen suicides. The cruelty seen in Easy A never reaches those same levels, but it comment on the difficulty of adolescence and the damage that can be done by rumor mongering. Aided by text messaging and the internet, gossip spreads like wildfire within seconds. Despite her new status, Olive has no one to confide in. Her best friend turns against her and her parents (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson) would rather be her pals than her parents. Seeking guidance from the school counselor (Lisa Kudrow), Olive is given a handful of condoms instead along with a curt brush off.

Easy A does ask its audience to make a few leaps of faith. As with the majority of teen movies, the young cast is comprised of 20-something actors who still look too old to be in high school. The point is joked about in Marianne's boyfriend (Cam Gigandet) who has been stuck as a senior for almost four years. It's also hard to believe that Emma Stone could ever be invisible. She's pretty, charming, and almost carries the picture. I say almost because some of the adult actors provide notable performances. Tucci and Clarkson are hilarious as the free-spirited parents, Thomas Haden Church appears in an understated, yet funny turn as an English teacher, and Malcolm McDowell is good as the school's uptight principal.

Rating: ***

Pandorum

Pandorum - Dir. Christian Alvart (2009)


The cheesy critic in me is tempted to simply write, “Pandorum? More like Pan-Bore-Em,” and leave it at that. Pandorum was produced by Paul W.S. Anderson so I think it’s obvious to say this won’t be an existential examination of space travel as seen in 2001, Sunshine, or Solaris.

Pandorum opens sometime in the future as Corporal Bower (Ben Foster) and Lt. Payton (Dennis Quaid) awaken from suspended animation aboard a spaceship. Both men suffer from amnesia, a side effect of hyper-sleep, and have no idea who they are, where they are, or what their mission is. The ship is also suffering from power failure and they cannot raise the current crew on duty. As Bower explores the vessel, he discovers the ship has been infested by feral aliens who have been feeding on the other crew members.

As with Anderson’s Resident Evil movies, Pandorum features an ass-kicking female character with a funny accent. This time, it is German-born actress Antje Traue as Nadia, a genetics researcher charged with cataloguing the species preserved on the ship. I’m not exactly sure how a biologist knows martial arts and Parkour, but it’s one of the film’s least silly conceits.

Pandorum blatantly rips off several sci-fi and horror films like Alien, Dawn of the Dead, and even Anderson’s own Event Horizon. The creatures bare a resemblance to those in Neil Marshall’s The Descent, clad in the leather fetish outfits of The Road Warrior. Christian Alvart directs the film with the same crappy techniques that plague the majority of action films today. Pandorum is filled with shaky camera sequences and extreme close-ups edited together in a rapid, slipshod manner making it almost impossible to make out what’s going on.

Rating: *