Ted

Ted - Dir. Seth MacFarlane (2012)

You have to wonder if Seth MacFarlane ever has time to sleep. The man has built himself an animation empire at Fox as the creator of Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show. He writes, produces, and does numerous voices on each show. Fox even put him in charge of developing a new version of The Flintstones to add to their line-up. MacFarlane has hosted several Comedy Central Roasts, Saturday Night Live, and will also host the upcoming Oscars. Somehow, his busy schedule didn't prevent him from writing and directing his first feature film, Ted, which went on to become the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time.

The story begins on Christmas in Boston when a lonely boy named John Bennett (Bretton Manley) wishes that his new teddy bear would come to life. Miraculously, the wish comes true and the two become the best of friends. Decades later, John (Mark Wahlberg) is now 35 and working a lousy job at a car rental agency. The bear, Ted (MacFarlane), is still around and the two have become typical Boston meatheads content to drink beer, smoke pot, and watch Flash Gordon. John's exasperated girlfriend, Lori (Mila Kunis), knows John will never truly grow up so long as Ted is around. Lori finally demands Ted leave when she returns to their apartment to find him carousing with a bunch of hookers. John must now find a way to balance his relationships with Ted and Lori while the bear fends for himself in the real world.

Ted has all the hallmarks of a Seth MacFarlane production. It is littered with profane humor and random celebrity cameos from the likes of Ryan Reynolds, Norah Jones, and Tom Skerritt. Flash Gordon himself, Sam J. Jones, makes an appearance as he riotously parties with the hero worshipping protagonists. Most importantly, Ted features a plethora of pop culture references fired off with machine gun precision. MacFarlane's cannibalization of pop culture can be summed up by a parody of the Airplane! parody of Saturday Night Fever. Characters riff on everything from Diff'rent Strokes to Hootie and the Blowfish. Oddly enough, these gags work better than jabs at more timely targets such as Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill or one-time Superman Brandon Routh.

MacFarlane comfortably surrounded with familiar faces. He co-wrote the script with fellow Family Guy writers, Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild, while the score was done by Walter Murphy, who also composed the Family Guy theme song. Patrick Stewart does voiceover narration, Alex Borstein has a supporting role as John's mom, and Patrick Warburton appears as one of John's co-workers. Mila Kunis, the voice of Meg Griffin, brings charm and wit to the usually thankless role of the nagging girlfriend. Giovanni Ribisi has an over-the-top turn as an obsessed fan determined to purchase Ted for his creepy kid.

The entire movie hinges on the friendship between John and Ted. Both Wahlberg and MacFarlane deliver the goods. Wahlberg hasn't much luck at straight dramatic roles as evidenced by his shaky performances in The Lovely Bones and The Happening. He's also done so many C-grade action films that it's easy to forget how talented he is as a comedic actor. He's hilarious in Ted, especially in a scene where he rapidly lists the names of white trash girls. Wahlberg also gets to show off a flair for physical humor when he throws down with Ted. Speaking of the bear, the CGI is excellent with Ted seamlessly blended in with flesh and blood actors. MacFarlane not only did the voice, but the motion capture on set while directing. In another MacFarlane trademark, everyone simply accepts the existence of a talking teddy bear without once raising an eyebrow.

Are people going to find Ted offensive and juvenile? Certainly and it's hard to argue the point when you see a talking teddy bear spray lotion on his face while acting like it's semen. Seth MacFarlane relishes journeying into R-rated territory in a manner he cannot on television and finds a unique take on the buddy comedy.

Rating: *** (*****)

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World - Dir. Robert Rodriguez (2011)

Robert Rodriguez has made his name as an innovative and visually inventive director in the action genre. He exploded onto the scene with the ultra-low budget El Mariachi before moving on to blockbusters like Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, and Sin City. In between his R-rated pictures, Rodriguez has helmed the kid-friendly series of Spy Kids movies. It's not too surprising considering Rodriguez is the father of five boys.

It made sense that the third movie, Spy Kids: Game Over, would launch the franchise into 3D. Eight years later, the fourth entry, Spy Kids: All the Time in the World was advertised as being presented in 4D. Time is considered to be the fourth dimension and while it plays a large role in the film, the 4D also referred to Aroma-Scope, Rodriguez's attempt to bring back Smell-O-Vision. Audience members were given scratch 'n' sniff cards, along with their 3D glasses, which gave them a whiff of scents like bubblegum, bacon, and chocolate. Perhaps, Spy Kids 5D will see the return of William Castle's "Tingler" gimmick where theaters are equipped with electrified seats. The following review is for the plain, old 2D version of Spy Kids.

Jessica Alba stars as Marissa Wilson, the top agent for the OSS, the Organization of Super-Spies. In her final mission before retirement, Marissa tracks down and captures Tick Tock, a villain who uses weapons that can temporarily freeze people in time. Why is she retiring? Because she's nine months pregnant and goes into labor while battling Tick Tock's henchmen. Rodriguez was inspired to make the movie after watching Alba change diapers on the set of Machete.

Marissa faces all new challenges as a happy homemaker. Her husband, Wilbur (Joel McHale), spends all his time working on his new reality show, Spy Hunters, where he fruitlessly searches for spies hiding in society. Her step-children, Rebecca (Rowan Blanchard) and Cecil (Mason Cook), can't stand her and are always pulling messy pranks on her.

Marissa is called back into action by her superior, Danger D'Amo (Jeremy Piven), when a new supervillain known as the Timekeeper begins stealing time. This causes the days to flow faster than normal. The Timekeeper's next move is to activate the Armageddon Device and the only thing that can stop it is a gem called the Chrono Sapphire. As it turns out, Marissa gave it to Rebecca as a gift. Thus, the kids are dragged into the mission and teamed with the original Spy Kids, Carmen (Alexa Vega) and Juni (Daryl Sabara), who are all grown up. They receive help from a robotic attack dog named Argonaut (voiced by Ricky Gervais).

Spy Kids unfolds at a fast and furious pace, which is perfect for anyone who might have the attention span of a goldfish. It's a cinematic sugar rush; all candy colored and powered by hefty amounts of caffeinated cola. The youngsters will be entertained, but older folks might get a headache. The plot doesn't make a lick of sense and is bogged down by blunt messages about the importance of family. There's a disturbing amount of scatological humor with jokes about dog poop and farts. The heroes also incapacitate the bad guys with a dirty diaper and a bag of vomit. Joel McHale and Ricky Gervais are talented comedians, but neither man is given strong enough material to elicit even a modest chuckle. All the Time in the World also could have used the presence of past stars like Carla Gugino, Cheech Marin, and Danny Trejo (who only appears in a quick one scene cameo).

It's ironic that the theme of Spy Kids: All the Time in the World is about living in the present and not dwelling on the past. The Weinstein Company has been cannibalizing their own past in an effort to resurrect their successful franchises to grab some quick cash. I don't know if anyone was truly clamoring for another Spy Kids movie and after watching this latest one, it's doubtful their minds were changed. All the Time in the World is the definition of junk food cinema, a movie lacking in substance and not at all healthy for consumption.

Rating: * ½ (*****)