How have we been subjected to two Nicolas Cage movies when it's only March? Drive Angry is exactly what it advertises, Nic Cage is angry and he drives. He drives angry.
Cage sits behind the wheel as John Milton. Yeah, because I wouldn't have taken this movie seriously unless they made a Paradise Lost reference. Anyways, Milton literally escapes from Hell to hunt down Jonah King (Billy Burke), a cult leader who murdered Milton's daughter and plans to sacrifice her baby for a satanic ritual. Milton blows bad guys away with his shotgun and is completely irresistible to every woman he comes across. Who could resist that luxurious head of greasy, stringy blonde hair? Milton receives assistance from a feisty waitress named Piper (Amber Heard), who drives a '69 Dodge Charger. Dogging their trail is The Accountant (William Fichtner), a demonic emissary, who is half-Terminator and half-Anton Chigurh. He cuts a swath of destruction across the south as he attempts to retrieve the errant Milton. David Morse also has a brief role as a former associate of Milton's by the name of Webster. I'm guessing his first name was Daniel, as in the Devil and…
Drive Angry is the latest film to try and recapture the exploitation magic of low-budget 70's grindhouse cinema, which has become so fashionable as of late. Unfortunately, it lacks the inventiveness of Machete and the hilarity of Black Dynamite. There is plenty of blood, bullets, and boobs to be found, but there's nothing particularly exciting or original about the action sequences. In a rip-off of Shoot 'Em Up, Cage kills a horde of henchmen while simultaneously banging a buxom blond. Later, the Accountant plows through a police blockade in a tanker truck while listening to "That's the Way (I Like It)." While shot in 3D, Drive Angry doesn't benefit a lick from the process with very little difference between it and conversion jobs. The 3D effects amount to nothing more than bullets and random debris flying at the screen.
When the writers aren't peppering in weak literary references to prove that they passed high school English, they’re concocting ludicrous dialogue like, "Hell is already walking the Earth," and Amber Heard's classic, "Ah'm gonna tell everyone what ah caught you doin' with mah pink dildo."
Speaking of whom, Heard's hotness is the best thing going on in Drive Angry. Director Patrick Lussier (who also helmed the atrocious My Bloody Valentine 3D) knows enough to give the male demographics a Megan Fox shot of Amber Heard with the young starlet dressed in cut-off denim shorts and bent over the hood of a car. The second best thing in the movie is William Fitchner, who resembles a younger Christopher Walken, gives a scene chewing performance as the Accountant. On the other hand, Cage is surprisingly restrained and this is one instance when you wish the cuffs were taken off. Every once in a while you see a gleam in his eyes as if Cage were about to go batshit bonkers. An unleashed Cage can be a sight to behold as evidenced in Wicker Man and Bad Lieutenant. Alas, he's just plain dull and uncharismatic.
Drive Angry is clearly marketed towards muscle car driving, meat eating, red blooded American males. Too bad for Summit Entertainment, they avoided it in droves. Drive Angry has gone down as the lowest grossing 3D movie given a wide release. The film all but disappeared from theaters a week after opening, pushed off 3D screens by an even bigger box office bomb in Disney's Mars Needs Moms.
Rating: * ½ (*****)
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