Season of the Witch has little to do with the song by British folk singer Donovan nor does it bare any connection to George Romero's Season of the Witch or the threequel, Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Alas, it is another entry in the recent rash of period actioners that has given us Roman legionnaires (Centurion, The Eagle), Vikings (Outlander, Valhalla Rising), and medieval knights. Much like Christopher Smith's Black Death, Season of the Witch revolves around heavy handed religious themes and the Bubonic Plague of the 14th Century.
Nicolas Cage, sporting the same hairdo from The Sorcerer's Apprentice, stars as Behman, a knight in service of the Church alongside his wise-cracking sidekick, Felson (Ron Perlman). Together they rack up an impressive body count during the Crusades, but desert ranks when they are ordered to slaughter women and children. The armor-clad BFFs make their way back to England only to find their homeland stricken by disease. Unfortunately, Eric Idle never shows up shouting, "Bring out your dead."
Behman and Felson are called upon by an ailing Cardinal (Christopher Lee), who believes the disease is the work of a young witch (Claire Foy) they have captured. The witch is to be taken to an abbey where the monks hope to reverse the spell she has cast. Behman sees only a frightened girl and agrees to act as escort in order to ensure she is given a fair trial. Our intrepid heroes shore up their ranks with a collection of D-listers from the most unimaginative Dungeons & Dragons session ever. They're joined by another warrior in Eckhart (Ulrich Thomsen), Debelzaq the fanatical priest (Stephen Campbell Moore), Hagamar the swindler (Stephen Graham), and Kay (Robert Sheehan, looking like a Dark Age version of Jay Baruchel), an altar boy with dreams of knighthood.
The last time Cage teamed up with director Dominic Sena was in the god-awful remake of Gone in 60 Seconds so expectations are undoubtedly lowered here. The movie is a complete mess with bland action sequences highlighted by piss-poor special effects. A finale featuring the protagonists battling zombie ninja monks isn't nearly as cool as it sounds. No one can make up their mind about the dialogue as actors speak in either faux-medieval speak or corny, contemporary idioms ("We're gonna need more holy water."). Cage drones on with his trademark inflections as if he had narcolepsy and doesn't even bother with a British accent. Neither does Perlman who is easily the best thing in an otherwise dreadful picture. For some reason the English-born Stephen Graham doesn't speak with his natural voice, instead utilizing some indiscernible East Coast accent as if he were still playing Baby Face Nelson in Public Enemies or Al Capone on Boardwalk Empire.
The screenplay by Bragi F. Schut has bounced around Hollywood since 2000, went into production in 2009 and was originally slated for release in 2010 before being dumped into the theatrical graveyard of January 2011. If only studio execs had the same ardent devotion to superior projects that still lay dormant. For his part, Cage wanted to make a film reminiscent of both the old Hammer horror pictures and Roger Corman drive-in productions. Season of the Witch is nowhere near as creepy or fun. Ludicrously enough, Sena took inspiration from Bergman's The Seventh Seal. Cage playing chess with Death might have made a better movie. A completely unhinged Cage playing board games with the William Sadler Death from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey would have been awesome.
Rating: * (*****)
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