During Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s early wrestling career, fans detested his clean-cut, good guy character so much that they chanted, “Die, Rocky, Die.” The chant now should probably be, “Why, Rocky, Why?” Johnson may not be the most nuanced performer around, but he’s got a natural charisma which you can’t learn in acting school. It was an easy transition for The Rock to move from pro wrestling superstar to action hero. In The Rundown, Arnold Schwarzenegger popped up in a quick cameo to pass the proverbial torch to Johnson. “Have fun,” the Governator said. We still haven’t gotten that blockbuster film from Johnson, even if it looks like he’s having fun in his recent string of subpar, family comedies.
Johnson starred as a football player who has to learn what’s really important in life in The Game Plan. In Tooth Fairy, he’s a hockey player who has to learn what’s really important in life. Johnson is Derek Thompson who was busted down to the minors after a shoulder injury. With his NHL career over, he is now more than content with becoming a brutish enforcer nicknamed, “The Tooth Fairy,” because he knocks out opposing players’ teeth. Off the ice, Thompson romances single mom Carly (Ashley Judd) and attempts to bond with her children, Tess (Destiny Whitlock) and the cynical Randy (Chase Ellison).
After telling one child to “lower his expectations” and attempting to reveal that the tooth fairy isn’t real to Tess, Thompson is whisked away to Fairyland (seriously) where he is sentenced to work as an actual tooth fairy to pay his debts to society. In Fairyland, he meets his case worker, Tracy (Stephen Merchant), and the head fairy, Lily (Julie Andrews in full on Julie Andrews mode). Billy Crystal is there too doing a variation of Miracle Max from The Princess Bride as a fairy who provides Thompson with a bag of magical gadgets to perform his duties.
As a concept, Tooth Fairy has been floating around development hell since the mid-90’s. The script has passed through the hands of at least five different writers including the veteran team of Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz (Parenthood, City Slickers). You’d think somewhere along the way, someone would have come up with something funny. Instead, we get lame gags like Thompson plummeting from a balcony because he can’t work his wings or trying to hide his tights from his teammates. We also get bad puns like, “That’s the tooth,” and “Fairy evolution? Who come up with that Charles Darwing?”
The concept itself is downright moronic. Thompson is told that Fairyland is in danger because kids have stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy. We never learn what exactly will happen nor do we learn why it’s so damn important to have these fairies around. And we still don’t know what the hell they do with all those teeth. Also, where exactly do they get the funding necessary to leave behind a dollar under all those pillows? Here’s another important question, who gives a shit about the Tooth Fairy? I guess with so many Santa movies, they were grasping at straws for another mythical character. Personally, I think the Tooth Fairy ranks well below the Easter Bunny and Hanukkah Harry.
Johnson is likable enough to save this mess from being a total loss. However, Tooth Fairy is the kind of inane movie that shamefully passes itself off as family entertainment. 2009 saw so many great family films with heart and intelligence (Coraline, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Up, Where the Wild Things Are) that it churns the stomach to see Hollywood take a step back with this nonsense. If you don't want your kid's teeth to fall out, don't feed them sugary junk food. If you don't want your kid's brain cells to fall out, don't take them to see Tooth Fairy. The tooth does indeed hurt. A painful experience on par with a gum scraping or root canal.
Rating: *
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