It’s been a long standing tradition in Hollywood to copy somebody else’s successes. With the Harry Potter films scoring big box office, studios have been combing through the teen lit genre in search of the next franchise. Twilight has proven to be an enormous cash cow and along with True Blood has cemented the elite status of the vampire in current pop culture. British author Darren Shan’s Darren Shan Saga was probably a producer’s wet dream, being teen lit centered around vampires. Alas, nothing comes together at all in The Vampire’s Assistant and it seems destined to fall to the wayside alongside The Golden Compass.
While Chris Weitz handled the directing duties for Compass and the Twilight sequel, New Moon, brother Paul helms Vampire’s Assistant. The lead character is Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) and am I only one who finds it oddly self-serving to name the character in the novel after yourself? Anyways, Darren is a straight-laced student with huge expectations hung on him by his parents. His best friend, Steve (Josh Hutcherson), is much more of a delinquent and isn’t well liked by teachers or Darren’s parents. One night, they attend a freak show whose orange-haired ringmaster is the vampire Crepsley (John C. Reilly). How do we know he’s a vampire? Because Steve saw Crepsley’s picture in his vampire book and that about sums up the deep level of thought that went into the plot. Darren is turned into a half-vampire (don’t ask) and is dragged into a centuries-old war between vampires who only sip the blood of their victims without killing them and the murderous Vampanese. Steve joins the dark side and there’s a bunch of stuff about prophecies and a chosen one just like every other film series.
Vampire’s Assistant tries to play around with vampire mythology, but offers absolutely nothing new to distinguish itself. There's a cool title sequence (think Catch Me If You Can by way of Tim Burton) and nothing after that is as visually stimulating. Cast against type, Reilly is one of the few actors in the film to bring something unique to the table. The film’s biggest fault lies with its lead actor, a blunder in miscasting not seen since Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace. Massoglia has no screen presence or charisma and an oddly shaped head. No offense, dude. Out of everything in the movie, the most interesting aspect is the supporting cast of freaks that include Salma Hayek as the bearded lady, 30 Rock’s Jane Krakowski as a woman who can eat her own arms and re-grow them, and Flight of the Conchord’s Kristen Schaal as a woman with enormous teeth. I’d be far more entertained in a Geek Love-style film about the actual circus than I would be in a bunch of whiny emo bloodsuckers.
Rating: * 1/2
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