Welcome to the Jungle

Welcome to the Jungle - Dir. Rob Meltzer (2014)

From the late-80-'s to the mid-90's, Jean-Claude Van Damme was a box office draw who was able to knock out the competition with a swift roundhouse kick. However, his clout slowly started to fizzle away until he fell into the almost inescapable limbo of the direct-to-video market. Lately, he's been stretching those muscles from Brussels in an effort to regain his relevance. Van Damme played himself in the reflexive JCVD, which earned him critical praise and was his first theatrical release in almost a decade. He had a really enjoyable turn as the subtly named Jean Vilain in The Expendables 2. Even some of his recent DTV projects have been out of his comfort zone. Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning was a dark and bizarre take on the franchise that was more akin to David Cronenberg or Gaspar Noé.

Van Damme has never really tried his hand at comedy before, aside from a brief cameo in Last Action Hero and the unintentional laughs of the much-maligned Street Fighter. This time around, Van Damme does the splits and dives deep into the genre with Welcome to the Jungle, which has aspirations at being Office Space with a dash of Lord of the Flies.

Adam Brody is Chris, a timid graphic designer at a big advertising firm where he's constantly pushed around by the odious Phil (Rob Huebel). Phil steals one of Chris's designs for a toilet paper campaign, yet the poor kid still can't muster up the courage to stand up for himself. Meanwhile, their incompetent boss, Mr. Crawford (Dennis Haysbert), won't do anything about it. Instead, he announces that all employees will take part in a team-building exercise on a remote island under the supervision of Navy Seal Storm Rothchild. The trip goes terribly wrong when the pilot is found dead and Rothchild is mauled by a tiger.

These white collar goofs are completely clueless until Chris teaches them survival skills he learned as a Boy Scout. Phil grows insanely jealous of Chris suddenly becoming the new alpha male and begins undermining all his orders. Using a hallucinogenic weed, Phil turns nearly everyone into an obedient savage with himself as their god. Chris escapes along with a small group consisting of best friend Jared (Eric Edelstein), the rabbit-obsessed Brenda (Kristen Schaal), and Lisa (Megan Boone from NBC's The Blacklist), the pretty girl from HR that Chris has long had a crush on.

Van Damme takes center stage in the posters and cover art in spite of his relatively small role. It's still justified as JCVD happens to be the only entertaining part of the movie as he pokes fun at his own tough guy image. Outside of Van Damme, Welcome to the Jungle labors to elicit a single chuckle or smirk in its thankfully brief 95 minute runtime. It desperately grasps for humor with repetitive and lazy jokes about gays and masturbation. All the characters are cartoons with the exception of Chris and Lisa, who are about as white bread as can be.

The Rundown, starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Seann William Scott, was previously titled Welcome to the Jungle. I only point this out because that is a far better film than this painfully dull attempt at comedy. You could also do better by listening to the Guns 'N' Roses song over and over for an hour and a half.

Rating: * (*****)

Despicable Me 2

Despicable Me 2 - Dirs. Pierre Coffin & Chris Renaud (2013)

Despicable Me was a delightful surprise from Universal's fledgling Illumination Entertainment. Although it ended on a satisfying conclusion, its box office take of over $543 million ensured that a sequel was forthcoming. Despicable Me 2 certainly didn't disappoint, at least in terms of ticket sales, it pulled in over $918 million and stands as the fifth highest grossing animated film of all time.

For those who missed it, Despicable Me followed eccentric super-villain Gru (Steve Carell) on his diabolical quest to steal the moon. As part of his scheme, Gru was forced to adopt three little girls: Margo (Miranda Cosgrove), Edith (Dana Gaier), and Agnes (Elsie Fisher). Gru was the proverbial Grinch whose heart grew two sizes bigger once those adorable moppets wormed their way into his life.

The sequel finds Gru more than comfortable in his new life as a single father. Things are going great though a little dull as Gru attempts to turn his elaborate laboratory into a factory for jams and jellies. Luckily, Gru is recruited by Silas Ramsbottom (Steve Coogan), the erudite leader of the Anti-Villain League. A mysterious mastermind has stolen an experimental serum that could be used to create an army of monsters and only Gru has the experience needed to find him. Gru is reluctantly paired up with agent Lucy Wilder (Kristen Wiig, who previously voiced Miss Hattie) to go undercover at a glossy shopping mall where the bad guy might be hiding out. Gru has his eye on Eduardo Perez (Benjamin Bratt), a boisterous restaurateur who may secretly be the infamous El Macho, a villain who supposedly died while riding a shark strapped with explosives into a flaming volcano. However, Gru's most fearsome foe may be young love when Margo falls head over heels for Eduardo's suave son Antonio (Moises Arias).

The biggest criticism lobbied against Despicable Me 2 is that the lead protagonist has lost his edge. An opening sequence where Gru dresses as a fairy princess for Agnes's birthday party might attest to that. Screenwriters Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio may have dulled Gru's fangs a bit; they've still captured the madcap pace and unique sensibilities of the first film. We see Edith running around in a ninja outfit and a bizarre subplot in which Gru goes on a blind date. Despicable Me was like a candy colored Bond adventure and its successor continues those threads with the AVL's underwater base and other high-tech gadgets. There's a submarine car, lipstick taser, Gru's trademark freeze ray, fart guns, and an opening sequence in which a giant magnet snatches up an Arctic research station. The sequel builds to a thrilling conclusion with Gru going into full John Woo mode with guns that shoot his foul-tasting jelly.

Steve Carell gives it his all with a slick Slavic accent, but its Benjamin Bratt who gives the best vocal performance as Eduardo. His over-the-top energy perfectly matches the zany tone of the movie. Oddly enough, Al Pacino was originally cast in the role before Bratt stepped in at the last minute. It's hard to imagine anyone else playing that character.

The real scene stealers though happen to be the Minions, Gru's not-so-helpful helpers that look like a bred Oompa Loompas with Twinkies. They speak in their own unique language and their kooky antics are a constant source of Three Stooges-esque slapstick. The Minions might sidetrack the main plot from time to time, but the cute factor is undeniable. Unsurprisingly, their presence is beefed up here and they're set to star in their own picture in 2015.

With Pixar and Dreamworks having a virtual stranglehold on the animation genre, its nice seeing another player emerge in the field. Despicable Me 2 is a delightful sequel with plenty of heart that will please young and old alike.

Rating: *** (*****)

The Muppets

The Muppets - Dir. James Bobin (2011)

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On the Muppet Show tonight.

When Jason Segel met with Disney executives about making a new Muppet movie, they thought he was joking. Segel's life-long love for the characters shined through in the Dracula-themed musical from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Segel and Marshall director Nicholas Stoller co-wrote this revival of the franchise that attempts to introduce the Muppets to a whole new audience.

Gary (Segel) and his twin brother Walter (voiced by Peter Linz) have lived all their lives in the happy Midwest burg of Smalltown, USA. Never mind the fact that Gary is a human and Walter is a puppet. Gary and his girlfriend, Mary (Amy Adams), are planning a trip to Hollywood. The romantic trip for two becomes a three's a company situation when Gary invites diehard Muppet fan Walter along to see the Muppets Studio. They are saddened to see it has been abandoned and left in disrepair. Walter is even more shocked when he overhears evil tycoon Tex Richman plans to tear down it down and drill for oil.

Walter, Gary, and Mary convince Kermit the Frog to reunite the Muppets and put on a show in order to save the studio. No easy task as everyone has gone their separate ways. Miss Piggy is living in Paris as the editor-in-chief for the French edition of Vogue. Gonzo is a successful manufacturer of bathroom fixtures, Fozzie plays with a tribute band called the Moopets, and Animal is in anger management.

While Segel should be commended for ushering in the return of the Muppets, the movie does get sidetracked by the human characters played by him and Adams. Both tackle their roles with an endearing earnestness, but the movie is called The Muppets for a reason. The complications in the romance between Gary and Mary aren't nearly as interesting as the on-again/off-again love story between Kermit and Miss Piggy. At times, Walter feels like a bland fan-fiction character that's being forced on the public, but his innocent charm is all that saves him from being a major annoyance.

Nitpicks aside, The Muppets is a witty and joyous picture strengthened by infectious musical numbers and clever meta-textual humor. The characters break the fourth wall on numerous occasions with jokes about montages and traveling by map ala Indiana Jones. Segel and Stoller's screenplay pays service to older fans with several references to The Muppet Movie, such as Sweetums appearance at the car dealership and Kermit's "standard rich and famous" contract. Segel also utilizes all the popular Muppets like Rowlf, Dr. Teeth, and the Swedish Chef and even some of the obscure ones like Lew Zealand and Uncle Deadly.

The new music of The Muppets won't stand the test of time the way "Rainbow Connection" has, but they are energetic and irreverent thanks to the supervision of Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords. Conchords' director James Bobin also helmed the film. The opening number, "Life's a Happy Song," sets the stage for the rest of the movie with its old-fashioned, Music Man-style feel. The soundtrack also features the forlorn "Pictures in My Head" and the disco flavored "Me Party" sung by Miss Piggy and the delightful Amy Adams. There's also the bizarre experience of watching Chris Cooper rap about his villainous scheme with "Let's Talk About Me." They are bolstered by Muppet infused covers like a barbershop take on "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and a version of Cee-Lo Green's "F*ck You" sung by chickens ("Cluck You?"). Without a doubt, the number the best song on the soundtrack is the existential ballad, "Man or Muppet?" with a surprise cameo that received a rousing reaction from my audience.

Speaking of cameos, in grand Muppet tradition, The Muppets is littered with cameos that include Mickey Rooney, Zach Galifianakis, Neil Patrick Harris, and Sarah Silverman with James Carville as the most random. Some of the better cameos were Alan Arkin as a sardonic tour guide, Dave Grohl as the Moopets' drummer, and Emily Blunt essentially reprising her role from The Devil Wears Prada. Even more cameos from folks like Lady Gaga, Danny Trejo, and Ricky Gervais were left on the cutting room floor.

Despite a few minor quibbles, The Muppets is one of the most joyous cinematic experiences of the year. After modern missteps like Muppets from Space and the made-for-TV The Muppets' Wizard of Oz, Segel's Muppets puts Jim Henson's beloved creations on the right track and hearkens back to the heyday of The Muppet Movie and The Muppets Take Manhattan.

Rating: *** (*****)

Going the Distance

Going the Distance - Dir. Nanette Burstein (2010)

Is there a genre more asinine than the modern romantic comedy? I don't have anything against the rom-com in general; I just have an aversion to the copious amounts of crap churned out by studio execs and filmmakers who seem to construct from a stock set of elements. Going the Distance attempts to change up the staid formula while still incorporating frequent clichés with an Apatow-style sense of lowbrow humor.

Justin Long is Garrett, a low-level talent scout for a rinky dink record label in New York City. He's just been dumped by his girlfriend (Leighton Meester) and decides to go out on the town with his buddies Box (Jason Sudeikis) and Dan (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Charlie Day). He meets Erin (Drew Barrymore), an aspiring journalist, over a game of Centipede. She wants to keep the relationship light because she's only in the city temporarily as a summer intern for the fictional New York Sentinel. However, Garrett doesn’t want to end things so quickly even after Erin has takes a job in San Francisco. The young lovers attempt to make it work long distance via text messages, Skype, and a very awkward session of phone sex. The usual insecurities and frustrations begin creeping in to threaten their relationship.

Going the Distance is the first produced script by Geoff LaTulippe who wrote it after learning of producer Dave Neustadter's own long distance relationship. LaTulippe tries to address the poor economy with Erin and Garrett unable to scrap the funds to fly out to see each other while working in dying industries. The film also marks the first narrative picture from documentarian Nanette Burstein who directed The Kid Stays in the Picture and American Teen. For the most part, Burstein's direction is perfectly pedestrian though it didn't need to be anything more. Some shots during a dating montage do have a documentary feel turning the audience into mere observers.

Some think that real-life couples don't translate well to the screen, but Long and Barrymore have good chemistry together. Both play characters that are merely extensions of themselves and their previous characters, Long as the wise-cracking geek and Barrymore as the free-spirit. Christina Applegate brings the funny as Erin's overprotective sister with the understated and dry wit of Jim Gaffigan as her husband.

At the very least, Going the Distance avoids the usual contrivances that come up as setbacks. One's uptight, one's spontaneous. How will it ever work out? Yet, the movie is still cluttered with the ubiquitous detritus that comes with your average romantic comedy. There's the obligatory airport scene where the man rushes through the terminal to catch his lady love although, this one takes place at the end of the first act rather than the climax. Sudeikis and Day fulfill the roles of the protagonist's wacky best friends. The humor fails to elicit anything as slight as a chuckle or a smirk. There's a labored slapstick sequence involving Long at a tanning salon, a gag that was already done on Friends years ago. The film gets worse with a scene where Applegate picks pubic hair off her dining room table after a late-night session of sex by Erin & Garrett. Just when you think they couldn't sink any lower, here comes the Hitler joke.

Going the Distance is leaps and bounds above god-awful atrocities like The Ugly Truth and Did You Hear About the Morgans? thanks to a pair of likeable leads. But, it fails to place them in anything that is remotely interesting or humorous.

Rating: * ½

Dinner For Schmucks

Dinner For Schmucks - Dir. Jay Roach (2010)


Dinner For Schmucks is a remake of a 1998 French film entitled, Le Dinner de Cons (The Dinner Game), from writer/director Francis Veber who also penned the script for La Cage aux Folles. The latter picture was also remade with Robin Williams and Gene Hackman as The Birdcage.

Jay Roach, who also directed the Austin Powers and Meet the Parents films, brings decidedly American sensibilities to this comedy of class wars.

Tim Conrad (Paul Rudd) is a mid-level executive at investment firm Fender Financial. He wows his boss Lance Fender (Bruce Greenwood) by facilitating a multi-million dollar deal with wealthy Swiss business Martin Mueller (David Walliams). Tim is in line for a promotion, but only after he attends a dinner party with the company heads in which they invite idiots to make fun of them. Tim is appalled at first until he literally runs into life-long goofus, Barry Speck (Steve Carell). A desk drone at the IRS, Barry collects dead mice to use in intricate dioramas, recreating classic works of art like “The Last Supper” and Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.”

Barry arrives at Tim’s apartment a day early and in a matter of hours has turned his life upside-down. Barry single-handedly manages to injure Tim’s back, wreck the place, sabotage his relationship with girlfriend Julie (Stephanie Szostak), and invites in Tim’s mentally unstable ex Darla (Lucy Punch).

This is the third pairing for Rudd and Carell following Anchorman and The 40-Year Old Virgin. Rudd’s deadpan delivery plays well against Carell’s manic and obliviously moronic Barry who is like Michael Scott with the volume turned up to eleven. However, the character feels labored with the movie trying way too hard to wring comedy out of something so thin. Rudd is still likeable enough that you don’t feel he truly deserves to be in the eye of Hurricane Barry. The movie only truly picks up when we finally get to the dinner where we meet idiots like a blind fencing champion, a man with epic facial hair, and a ventriloquist married to his dummy, all of whom lead a revolt against their bourgeois tormentors.

Dinner For Schmucks winds up being an uneven comedy when it should have been a riotous farce. The film manages to be saved by two incredibly funny performances from Zach Galifianakis as a self-professed psychic and Flight of the Conchords’ Jemaine Clement as a pretentious artist fond of dressing up as a satyr.

Rating: **

Get Him to the Greek

Get Him to the Greek - Dir. Nicholas Stoller (2010)


Pushed out by the Judd Apatow comedy factory, Forgetting Sarah Marshall was a nice shot in the arm to the staid romantic comedy genre. The movie will likely be remembered for Jason Segel’s full-frontal and a scene stealing performance from Russell Brand as the hedonistic rock star Aldous Snow.

Nicholas Stoller, who directed Marshall from a script by Segel, takes over writing duties for the spin-off film, Get Him to the Greek. Brand returns, reteaming with Jonah Hill who plays a different character this time around.

Aldous Snow has settled down since last we saw him. After a stint in rehab, he’s married pop singer, Jackie Q (Rose Byrne), and plays attentive father to their son, Naples (Lino Facioli). However, Snow relapses following the utter failure of his latest album (the hilariously pandering “African Child”) and the dissolution of his marriage.

Back in L.A., Aaron Green (Jonah Hill), a low-level talent scout for Pinnacle Records, hopes to impress his boss, Sergio (Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs). He pitches the idea for Snow to perform a live concert at the Greek Theater and wins up having to act as the petulant superstar’s glorified babysitter. Traveling from London to Hollywood, Green gets a first-hand look at the rock ‘n roll lifestyle of sex, drugs, and even more drugs.

Much like its progenitor, Get Him to the Greek examines relationships with just a touch of raunchiness. For Snow, it’s his crumbling marriage and his relationship to his father (Colm Meaney), a lounge act in Vegas. Green ties to hold it together with his workaholic med student girlfriend, Daphne (Elisabeth Moss). When Stoller doesn’t lay it on too thick, the personal elements feel genuine. Yet, the film sputters towards the end when it becomes a little too sentimental.

The comedy is mined from the usual odd couple situations. Greek is like a road movie crossed with The Hangover in dealing with the mischief that overgrown man-children get into. Hill plays off Brand well as the overwhelmed straight man and Sean “P. Diddy” Combs gives a surprisingly funny performance as the overbearing boss. The soundtrack is catchy and the film features plenty of cameos from celebs like, Christina Aguilera, Meredith Vieira, and Kristen Bell reprising her role as Sarah Marshall.

Rating: ** ½

Toy Story 3

Toy Story 3 - Dir. Lee Unkrich (2010)


Pixar set a new gold standard in animation with their first feature-length film, Toy Story. Since then, they’ve established a track record like no other. They’ve made ten films and not a single one of them is a stinker. Even Cars, the most mediocre of Pixar’s oeuvre, is stronger than everyone else’s best. Now, Pixar releases their 11th film in Toy Story 3 and the bar has been set even higher than before. Despite the critical acclaim and box office success of all their pictures, Toy Story has been the only film that Pixar has spun off into a franchise. A Cars sequel is planned for next year, likely because it became a merchandising cash cow.

It’s been 15 years since the original Toy Story hit theaters with the even better sequel following four years later. Both films dealt with the toys worrying about abandonment by their owner Andy (John Morris). With Toy Story 3 that day seems to have finally come. Andy is now 18, too old to play with toys, and heading off to college.

Our gang of toys has grown smaller and small over the years. Woody (Tom Hanks) and Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen) are still around along with Jessie (Joan Cusack), Bullseye, Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head (Don Rickles & Estelle Harris), Rex (Wallace Shawn), Hamm (John Ratzenberger), and Slinky Dog (Blake Clark taking over for the late-Jim Varney). The other toys, such as Wheezy and Bo Peep, have sadly been broken, lost, or given away. The survivors have only an uncertain future to look forward to. Andy decides he’ll take Woody with him to college, but the others are headed for storage in the attic.

After a series of unfortunate incidents, the toys go from the trash heap to the Sunnyside Day Care Center. There, Andy’s toys are greeted by another group of toys led by the folksy Lots-O-Huggin’ Bear (Ned Beatty). He tells the new arrivals that they’ll never have to worry about being abandoned or outgrown. The center sees a constant stream of children coming in and out. All seems well except for Woody who wishes to return to Andy. He heads off and eventually winds up in the hands of Bonnie (Emily Hahn), a cute little tyke whose toys treat playtime like improv theater. Meanwhile, Buzz and the gang find Sunnyside isn’t so sunny when they’re left to fend for themselves against a classroom full of hyperactive toddlers.

It should go without saying that Pixar seems incapable of making a bad film. So it should come as no surprise that Toy Story 3 is another winner. The real question is: Does it live up to the lofty Pixar standards? The answer is a resounding yes.

John Lasseter, the head honcho of Pixar, directed the first Toy Story and co-directed the second with Lee Unkrich, who also co-directed Monsters, Inc. and Finding Nemo. This is Unkrich’s first solo effort and he works off a script by Michael Arndt who earned an Oscar for Little Miss Sunshine. These guys are master manipulators. They know all the right notes to hit to tug at your heart strings.

The work done here is incredible. Pixar has a real knack for characters. The toys aren’t just chunks of plastic, but fully formed and realistic characters. We’ve become completely invested in their journey and it’s a heartbreaker to hear we’ve lost a few along the way.

That journey brings us full circle with a wonderful opening sequence that calls back to the original film. It’s an action-packed prologue with runaway trains, exploding bridges, dinosaurs, monkeys, and a pig-shaped spaceship. It’s a set piece that rivals the Buzz Lightyear opening of the second film. The ending (which I won’t spoil) is a wonderfully touching resolution that caps off the trilogy at just the right note.

Technology has improved by leaps and bounds since we first met Woody and Buzz. As such, the animation in Toy Story 3 blows the other films out of the water. The third film is far more epic in scope, dealing with heady issues of toy existentialism. It doesn’t go into Jean-Paul Sartre territory (this is a kids’ movie), yet it does touch a tiny bit on the mortality of these toys. TS3 is also a little more mature with some dark moments, including a rather creepy baby doll with a wonky eye and an edge-of-your-seat trip to the landfill.

Toy Story 3 isn’t without its light moments. There are plenty of hilarious gags, most of which involve Michael Keaton who voices a metrosexual Ken doll (”I’m not a girls’ toy! I’m not!”). Have I mentioned Mr. Tortilla Head or Spanish Buzz? Pixar has also thrown in a few pop culture references on the sly, including a funny Return of the Jedi joke to go along with the Empire Strikes Back gag from the second picture. Also watch out for a quick cameo from the sadistic Sid as a garbageman.

Creating a sequel is a tricky proposition. Attempting a third film is an increasingly difficult task. It’s difficult to think of a great number three, aside from Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade and The Prisoner of Azkaban. I can think of plenty of bad number threes like Superman 3, Spider-Man 3, and Shrek the Third. Thankfully, Toy Story 3 is not among those poorly conceived productions. It doesn’t necessarily feel like a story that needed to be told, but it was told and told with amazing skill. Pixar will run you through an emotional gauntlet full of adventure, thrills, laughs, fears, and tears. Toy Story 3 will assuredly find its way onto numerous year-end lists.

P.S. – The short which played before the film, Night & Day, is definitely one of the best and most clever ones Pixar has produced. Also, the 3D effects are so subtle that I’d recommend you save the extra bucks and see it in 2D.

Rating: ****

When in Rome

When in Rome - Dir. Mark Steven Johnson (2010)


Was it too much to hope that When in Rome would bring something new to the table to the stagnant romantic comedy genre? Considering the film was written by the team behind Old Dogs, David Diamond and David Weissman, the answer is an emphatic yes.

Kristen Bell is the archetypal female lead, a Type-A career woman. In this case, she’s Beth Harper, a curator for the Guggenheim. Sadly, no twenty minute shootouts ala The International occur in this film. She flies off to Rome to attend her younger sister’s wedding. Beth is a cynic about love and doesn’t give much of a chance to her sibling’s impending nuptials. However, Beth hits it off with Nick Beamon (Josh Duhamel), a dashing sports writer whose football career was cut short after being struck by lightning. No, really…

When Beth sees Nick kissing another woman, she gets drunk and stumbles into a fountain and pulls out four coins and a poker chop, believing she is liberating those wishes. Instead, the men (glorified cartoon characters) who tossed them in originally fall madly in love with Beth due to the magic of the fountain. They include Dax Shephard as a narcissistic male model, Jon Heder as a Criss Angel-looking street magician, Will Arnett as an Italian artist, and Danny DeVito as a sausage magnate. Hmm…I wonder if he knows Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago.

These suitors stalk Beth all the way back to New York City. Nick is also making an attempt to woo Beth, but the question remains whether or not his love is real. As if you didn’t already know the answer.

I’ll give When in Rome a single shred of credit for not following the paint-by-numbers formula that all rom-coms do nowadays. No, Rome is a screwball comedy all the day and I doubt anyone has been clamoring for its return. I loved the classics like His Girl Friday, but the genre was laid to rest by Peter Bogdanovich’s homage, What’s Up, Doc?, and, aside from perhaps A Fish Called Wanda, the genre has been flatlining ever since. Not even the Coens could resuscitate it with Intolerable Cruelty and its star George Clooney failed as well with Leatherheads.

When in Rome won’t be heading up a revival anytime soon. The film uses only the broadest strokes in its lame attempts at slapstick humor. Nick falls down holes and bumps into things. Not for any reason, he just bumps into things because that’s supposed to be funny. You know your movie is in trouble when the best gag you can come up with is having your lead characters drive around town in a ludicrously tiny car. Another scene finds Beth and Nick dining at a restaurant where the lights are turned out and the wait staff wears night vision goggles. I’m sure it sounded funnier on paper (actually, it doesn’t), but the sequence is such a mess that you wish they had just shot the whole damn movie in the dark. One of the staples of the screwball comedy was witty, rapid-fire dialogue. There is none of that in When in Rome. Nope, we get characters who say, “My bad,” which got annoying two seconds after the first time it was ever said.

Kristen Bell, who was so good in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, doesn’t have much of a presence in the lead role. Duhamel is so bland as the romantic interest, you probably could have stuck any generic pretty boy (Paul Walker, I’m looking at you) into the role and it wouldn’t have made any difference. Jon Heder is the saddest of the bunch, still desperately trying to milk whatever is left of his Napoleon Dynamite fame.

When in Rome was directed by Mark Steven Johnson who also helmed Daredevil and Ghost Rider. Let’s just say, his contributions here won’t ever be compared to Howard Hawks or Preston Sturges. I do hope Johnson makes more films like this. If he keeps making crappy romantic comedies, he won’t be able to make anymore crappy comic book movies.

Rating: * ½

The Vampire's Assistant

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant - Dir. Paul Weitz (2009)


It’s been a long standing tradition in Hollywood to copy somebody else’s successes. With the Harry Potter films scoring big box office, studios have been combing through the teen lit genre in search of the next franchise. Twilight has proven to be an enormous cash cow and along with True Blood has cemented the elite status of the vampire in current pop culture. British author Darren Shan’s Darren Shan Saga was probably a producer’s wet dream, being teen lit centered around vampires. Alas, nothing comes together at all in The Vampire’s Assistant and it seems destined to fall to the wayside alongside The Golden Compass.

While Chris Weitz handled the directing duties for Compass and the Twilight sequel, New Moon, brother Paul helms Vampire’s Assistant. The lead character is Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) and am I only one who finds it oddly self-serving to name the character in the novel after yourself? Anyways, Darren is a straight-laced student with huge expectations hung on him by his parents. His best friend, Steve (Josh Hutcherson), is much more of a delinquent and isn’t well liked by teachers or Darren’s parents. One night, they attend a freak show whose orange-haired ringmaster is the vampire Crepsley (John C. Reilly). How do we know he’s a vampire? Because Steve saw Crepsley’s picture in his vampire book and that about sums up the deep level of thought that went into the plot. Darren is turned into a half-vampire (don’t ask) and is dragged into a centuries-old war between vampires who only sip the blood of their victims without killing them and the murderous Vampanese. Steve joins the dark side and there’s a bunch of stuff about prophecies and a chosen one just like every other film series.

Vampire’s Assistant tries to play around with vampire mythology, but offers absolutely nothing new to distinguish itself. There's a cool title sequence (think Catch Me If You Can by way of Tim Burton) and nothing after that is as visually stimulating. Cast against type, Reilly is one of the few actors in the film to bring something unique to the table. The film’s biggest fault lies with its lead actor, a blunder in miscasting not seen since Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace. Massoglia has no screen presence or charisma and an oddly shaped head. No offense, dude. Out of everything in the movie, the most interesting aspect is the supporting cast of freaks that include Salma Hayek as the bearded lady, 30 Rock’s Jane Krakowski as a woman who can eat her own arms and re-grow them, and Flight of the Conchord’s Kristen Schaal as a woman with enormous teeth. I’d be far more entertained in a Geek Love-style film about the actual circus than I would be in a bunch of whiny emo bloodsuckers.

Rating: * 1/2