"You screw a few hundred guys and the whole world turns against you."
Marilyn Chambers, Ginger Lynn, Christy Canyon, and Nina Hartley. These are some of the biggest starlets in the history of porn. A few of the well-known performers of the golden age of porn have tried to transition into mainstream film, but found the stigma of their previous occupations to be a tremendous hurdle. Other actresses have happily retired and some are still in the business. Others, like Bambi Woods the starlet of the infamous Debbie Does Dallas, seem to have vanished without at race.
Inspired by these tales, Keith Bearden, writing and directing his first feature film, presents Meet Monica Velour, a coming-of-age story about an awkward young man and a faded star.
Tobe (Dustin Ingram) lives with his grandfather (Brian Dennehy) in suburban Wisconsin and earns a living by working a hot dog truck called the Weenie Wiz. He has a fascination with things of a bygone age, preferring to listen to 1930's jazz and watching vintage porn from the early-80's. His favorite skin flicks feature a beautiful blonde named Monica Velour (Jamie Tisdale). Tobe has all her movies on VHS as well as an extensive collection of posters, photos, and clippings. He's just graduated from high school after four completely undistinguished years. Tobe's prospects are slim after being rejected from every college he applied to. Not wanting to sling hot dogs for the rest of his life, he decides to sell the food truck to an artist living in Indiana. By coincidence, Tobe learns that Monica Velour is making a rare appearance at a Podunk strip club called The Petting Zoo.
Faster than you can say "road trip," Tobe makes the long drive to the Hoosier State to meet his dream girl. What he finds instead is a downtrodden and middle-aged divorcee (Kim Cattrall) whose hollow-eyed routine is a sad sight. She lives in a rundown trailer park and is locked in a bitter custody battle for her daughter with her abrasive ex-husband (Sam McMurray). Monica allows Tobe to stay with her out of pity after he's beaten up by a group of frat boys while trying to defend her honor from their cruel taunts. Thus begins an unlikely friendship as Tobe takes it upon himself to save Monica Velour.
Images of Napoleon Dynamite will likely pop into your head due to the striking resemblance between Tobe and Jon Heder's most well-known character. Much like Napoleon Dynamite, Tobe is a lanky, nerdy looking teenager with thick glasses and curly hair. Unlike Napoleon, Tobe isn't a cartoonish caricature. At least there was an eccentric charm in the former character, Tobe is lacking in any distinct personality. He's also not a very likeable protagonist and his naiveté gets downright annoying very quickly. At least, Kim Cattrall gives a brave, if Oscar bait-y, performance as the over-the-hill adult entertainer. Cattrall put on an extra twenty pounds for the part and wore little to no make-up. It's certainly a far cry from her glamorous role as Samantha on Sex and the City. But, Cattrall hardly gets a chance to delve deeper into the character because of how thinly written she is.
Monica Velour isn't totally devoid of positive elements. The opening credits consisting of mock porno posters and video covers are cute. The film also features the great Keith David as Tobe's prospective buyer, an artist of kitschy Americana. His art studio littered with giant Pez dispensers and a statue of Bob's Big Boy. If it sounds like I'm stretching to find compliments, I am.
Meet Monica Velour is a mix of drama and comedy that's lacking in any drama or comedy. Too often Bearden goes for the cheap jokes. The pseudo-porno scenes are tired gags revolving around poor production values and bad acting. Lacking in originality or genuine emotion, this is a film that fakes its way to the money shot.
Rating: * (*****)
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