The life story of author Robert E. Howard could probably make for a compelling film. He practiced boxing and bodybuilding as a boy and this physicality would inform his later writing. Howard's mother, Hester, contracted tuberculosis from caring for ill relatives before she ever met his father, Isaac, meaning she was dying throughout his entire life. When Hester fell into an unrecoverable coma, Howard (aged 30) shot himself in the head. Many have speculated about his mental state, but what was undeniable was his body of work. Howard wrote numerous short stories for the Depression-era pulp magazine, Weird Tales, which also published the writings by H.P. Lovecraft and Clark Ashton Smith. Howard created characters like Bran Mak Morn, Solomon Kane, and his most renowned creation Conan the Barbarian, which ushered in the genre of sword and sorcery.
Conan was first brought to the silver screen in 1983 with a feature film directed by John Milius, who co-wrote the script with Oliver Stone. It managed to skyrocket the movie career of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nowadays, it's known more as a cult classic of 80's action cheese rather than a faithful adaptation of Howard's stories. It spawned a sequel in Conan the Destroyer and a spinoff, Red Sonja, a character originally created in the Marvel Comics series by Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith, who based her on a pastiche of other Howard characters. A third Conan film was mired in development hell. One script based on the novel, Hour of the Dragon, was put into production until Arnold backed out. Kevin Sorbo replaced him, but refused to star in a role previously played by another actor. So the studio renamed it Kull the Conqueror to shoehorn in a previous barbarian character Howard had created.
Comparisons between that version and the all new Conan the Barbarian are inevitable. Enough time has passed from my last viewing of Arnold's Conan that it doesn't cloud my experience of the new one. I will say that Conan's new catchphrase, "I live, I love, I slay and I am content." doesn't hold a candle to…
"What is best in life?"
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women."
This new Conan gets off to a promising start with an expository narration by Morgan Freeman about the history of the mythical Hyborian Age, a time after the fall of Atlantis. It's all about the ancient Mask of Acheron, which could grant its wearer ultimate power. Next is an internal shot of a sword piercing a womb. We cut to a pregnant woman in full battle garb in the midst of a violent struggle. Her husband, Corin (Ron Perlman), comes to her aid. He performs an emergency C-section and pulls his newborn son from her belly. He says, "Name your son," and she answers, "His name is Conan!" Corin holds the baby, covered in viscera and after-birth, to the high heavens and lets out a hearty scream. Cue title logo.
A pre-teen Conan (Leo Howard) undergoes a brutal rite of passage as he slays several attackers in the snow-covered forests outside his village. He tosses their heads at the feet of his father as proof of his brave deed. Unfortunately, these happy days of decapitation end when the forces of Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) invade in a quest to reassemble the pieces of the Mask. In an homage to Once Upon a Time in the West, young Conan and his Corin are placed into an unfortunate death trap involving molten steel that doesn't end well for daddy.
The adult Conan (Jason Momoa) returns to seek revenge against Khalar Zym and his half-witch daughter, Marique (Rose McGowan). Zym seeks to sacrifice a pure-blooded virgin in order to empower the mask and conquer the world.
It's odd that themes of filial vengeance played such a huge role in both Conan films, despite the fact these elements were not present in the source material. Conan the Barbarian is simply a victim of Hollywood's incessant need to origin stories for every character they get their hands on. His name is Conan the Barbarian. Is there anything more you need to know? Does the audience genuinely need to delve into his psychological make-up to truly understand a guy who just likes to kill and fuck?
The production budget was a whopping $90 million and while it looks better than the original, doesn't look at all like they spent $90 million. The special effects begin to fail in the second half of the film as if the filmmakers started running out of time and money. The worst sequence has to be a third act battle between Conan and a tentacled monster. The creature looks terribly fake and the picture is murky and nearly incomprehensible due to the haphazard 3D conversion. Faring better is a fight scene pitting Conan against ninjas made out of sand. The CGI looks good, but the action is poorly staged by director Marcus Nispel, who makes the common mistake of cutting in too close and too quickly. Nispel, who also directed the remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th, is the primary reason why I had such low expectations going into Conan. He also directed 2007's Pathfinder, a brutally boring movie about Native Americans versus Viking invaders. It almost makes you wish Brett Ratner had stuck around. Almost.
The largely unknown Jason Momoa undoubtedly won fans over for his portrayal of Khal Drogo on HBO's Game of Thrones. He definitely has the charisma and the steely gaze to make a badass Conan. You just wish he had better material to work with. Stephen Lang gets another chance to play the snarling villain. Lang gets to chew up plenty of scenery as does Rose McGowan, who looks like she got make-up and wardrobe tips from her ex Marilyn Manson. Meanwhile, Rachel Nichols as the virgin Tamara doesn't get much to do other than look pretty. Also, it was unclear whether or not she needed to be a virgin for the blood sacrifice because Conan ruins that at the end of the second act. To no one's surprise, they engage in a softly lit love scene that looks like it was lifted from an early-90's skin flick that aired on late night Cinemax.
In between the flash forward, there is a brief mention of Conan's adventures as a mercenary, pirate, and thief. Any one of those stories would have been more interesting than this generic schlock. Conan the Barbarian should have been easy to pull off. Take some of the best elements from Howard's stories, combine with the visceral visuals of Frank Frazetta, and toss in plenty of blood and boobs. Instead, we get a boring series of clichés that is only Conan the Barbarian in name. Nispel's film has more in common with the litany of 80's knockoffs like The Beastmaster, Deathstalker, and Yor, the Hunter From the Future.
Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. Grant me one request. That someone finally make a GOOD Conan movie. And if you do not listen, then the hell with you.
Rating: * (*****)
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