Colombiana

Colombiana - Dir. Olivier Megaton (2011)

Luc Besson was the man behind two of the most critically acclaimed action movies in Leon (aka The Professional) and La Femme Nikita. In the last several years, Besson (as writer and producer) has been churning out a steady stream of Eurotrash action flicks such as The Transporter, Taken, and the parkour heavy District B13. Colombiana is the latest film to come off the Besson assembly line and feels like a greatest hits highlight reel. It borrows many elements from Besson's previous works. In fact, Colombiana evolved from story ideas from an unproduced sequel to Leon, entitled Mathilde, which would have starred a Natalie Portman's character.

The movie opens in Bogota of 1993 where a nine-year old Cateleya Restrepo (Amandla Stenberg) witnesses the murder of her parents by drug lord Don Luis (Beto Benites). Cateleya escapes by stabbing Luis's right-hand man, Marco (Jordi Molla), in the…well, right hand. What follows is a thrilling parkour sequence through the Columbian streets as Cateleya makes her way to the American embassy with a microchip of vital information. Did I mention that she swallowed the microchip and vomited it back up? Did I mention she's doing parkour at age 9? Did I mention this takes place several years before parkour was developed? Does it matter? This is the kind of movie Colombiana is.

Cateleya sneaks away from her handlers to Chicago to stay with her gangster uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis). She demands to be trained as a killer in order to exact revenge against Don Luis. Uncle Emilio, being a responsible parent, tells her to get an education first and emphasizes his point by shooting up the neighborhood across the street from the school she's been enrolled. Then, they walk away without consequence. This is the kind of movie Colombiana is.

An adult Cateleya (Zoe Saldana) earns a living as a contract assassin and marks her victims with a drawing of the orchid she was named after. This is a clear message to Don Luis, who is laying low in New Orleans with the help of a corrupt CIA official (Callum Blue). In her free time, Cateleya tries to have some semblance of a normal life by making booty calls to a handsome and oblivious artist named Danny (a bland Michael Vartan). She also dances around her apartment in tank tops so tight you can clearly see her nipples jutting through. This is the kind of movie Colombiana is.

Colombiana was helmed by Olivier Megaton, whose bombastic pseudonym befits his equally bombastic directing style. The action isn't spectacular though it is perfectly suitable for loud, mindless summer fare. In addition to the opening parkour set piece, two of the other major sequences in the film are the climax in which Cateleya assaults the bad guy's villa with a rocket launcher. Blunt, but effective just like this movie. There's another scene where a SWAT Team raids her apartment and Cateleya evades capture. Horndogs will especially enjoy these moments as it involves Zoe Saldana padding around barefoot and in her underwear while gripping a sniper rifle that's half her size.

Saldana is really the best thing in the movie. She might not give a well-rounded performance, but she looks good kicking ass. Much like Milla Jovovich in Besson's The Fifth Element, Saldana displays a lithe agility when she's slinking around the air vents of a police station to execute a target in lockup. There's also a Jason Bourne-style fight scene where Saldana is armed with only a towel and a toothbrush.

The script, written by Besson and Robert Mark Kamen (The Karate Kid), lacks the high stakes and immediacy that they imbued in Taken. Liam Neeson drove the plot by actively hunting down his enemies until his daughter was found. The heroine in Colombiana is too passive, content to wait for the bad guys to make their move. Also missing is a memorable villain ala Gary Oldman in The Professional.

The cast also includes Lennie James from Snatch as the obligatory, by-the-books FBI agent trying to hunt down our sexy hitwoman. In one scene, he empathically declares the killer isn't a woman. It's not possible. What a chauvinist.

So, what kind of movie is Colombiana? It's a D.A.M., a dumb action movie. One filled with explosions, stabbings, and even guys getting eaten by sharks and dogs. Sounds like a good wholesome time, right? Colombiana will satisfy your fetish for girls with guns.

Rating: ** (*****)

The Last Airbender

The Last Airbender - Dir. M. Night Shyamalan (2010)


I have defended M. Night Shyamalan in the past. The filmmaker put himself on the map with the slightly overrated The Sixth Sense, a supernatural thriller known more for its twist ending. Shyamalan followed that up with the underrated Unbreakable, an excellent take on the superhero in a real world setting. I liked Signs well enough, despite its silly contrivances. Then, along comes the pedantic The Village, the masturbatory ego trip Lady in the Water, and the downright idiotic The Happening. Though his writing left much to be desired, Shyamalan’s direction was more than competent in terms of composing dynamic shots and sequences. After watching The Last Airbender, I officially take back every nice thing I’ve ever said. Shyamalan is a hack.

The Last Airbender is based on the hit Nickelodeon animated series which ran for three seasons. Created by Michael DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, the cartoon was heavily influenced by martial arts films and anime. Shyamalan decided on directing a live-action version because his kids were huge fans. Daddy owes them an apology.

The Last Airbender is set in a fantasy world where mankind is divided by elemental tribes. They are the Air Nomads, the Water Tribes, the Fire Nation, and the Earth Kingdom. In each tribe, there are individuals who have the abilities to control their native elements. In every generation, there is an Avatar, a powerful individual who is able to control all four elements. The latest Avatar is Aang (Noah Ringer), a young boy who runs away from his temple after learning of the heavy burden he must carry. He and his flying buffalo, Appa, are caught in a storm and frozen in ice for a hundred years. Aang is eventually found by Katara (Nicola Peltz) and her brother Sokka (Jackson Rathbone), members of a Water Tribe.

In the years since his disappearance, the Fire Nation has declared war on the other tribes and wiped out all the Air Nomads save for Aang. Our heroes must travel north where Aang can study under the tutelage of powerful waterbenders. Many in the Fire Nation wish to capture him. One is Prince Zuko (Dev Patel), the exiled son of the Fire Lord Ozai (Cliff Curtis) who must capture the Avatar to return home. If this point isn’t clear, Zuko makes sure to repeat it in every single one of his scenes. Nipping at Zuko’s heels is Commander Zhao, played by former Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi who must be the least intimidating villain in a long while.

The main problem behind this adaptation is that it is based on the entire first season of the animated series, meaning they’ve crammed 20 episodes into an hour and forty three minute movie. There is just far too much going on. The film is reminiscent of the worst aspects of The Phantom Menace. Scenes occur in the most random manner without adherence to any sort of logical story progression. Character development is tossed to the wayside. The dialogue is delivered in the most wooden manner ever. Not that it matters, the majority of it is simply exposition. There is endless exposition as characters explain everything to each other and the audience. It is a neverending abyss in which there is no escape.

Shyamalan is clearly in over his head directing a big-budget blockbuster. If he ever knew how anything about mise-en-scène, he’s forgotten. He must have attended the George Lucas School of Directing. Shyamalan seems completely incapable of staging even the most rudimentary action sequence. The animated series featured a light tone with plenty of humor and a rich world inspired by the creations of Hayao Miyazaki. Think Princess Mononoke. The world of the Shyamalan’s movie has almost none of the humor or the vividness of the show. He’s created a drab and dark world. He can’t seem to coax any sort of decent performance from his actors. As the lead, Noah Ringer may be able to pull off the martial arts maneuvers, but he can’t convey any sort of emotion. He’s like a deer in the headlights with his bugged out eyes.

I’m not even going to mention the controversial whitewashing of the main characters for which the film has earned the derisive nickname, The Last Racebender. A lot of Asian actors are probably sighing in relief at not being cast in this abomination. Rumor has it Paramount has sunk nearly $300 million into the picture (including marketing), but Shyamalan’s turgid and unimaginative work assures this will truly be the last airbender.

Rating: DUD

Push

Push - Dir. Paul McGuigan (2009)


Push is a worthy successor to Jumper in the crappy films about boring, good-looking people with superpowers genre. It’s Scanners produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, part-X-Men, part-Heroes. The film opens with a prologue explaining that the Nazis experimented on pregnant women to turn their unborn offspring into super-soldiers. The U.S. government continued these projects and created a wealth of individuals with various mental abilities. There are Movers (telekinetics), Pushers (mind control), Shifters (temporarily alter appearances of objects), Watchers (psychics), Stitchers (healers), Wipers (who erase memories), and even Sniffers (who can sense an object’s history by smell).

The Human Torch, Chris Evans plays Nick Gant, a Mover living in exile in Hong Kong, a haven for super-powered expatriates. Years ago, Nick’s father was killed by Henry Carver (Djimon Hounsou), a powerful Pusher working for Division (the evil government baddies). He’s been on the run since and doing a decent job of it until a young Watcher named Cassie (Dakota Fanning) knocks on his door. Cassie enlists Nick’s aid in rescuing her mother, a Watcher held captive by Division. In order to do so, they await the arrival of Nick’s ex-girlfriend, Kira (Camilla Belle), who has just escaped Division with the film’s requisite MacGuffin. She’s stolen a briefcase containing an experimental drug that can either kill the test subject or exponentially boost their abilities. Our heroes must evade both Division as well as their counterparts in the Chinese government.

Push is a slickly made actioner, shot guerilla style on the streets of Hong Kong. The set pieces are fast-paced and cool to watch, but the most of the story doesn’t make a lick of sense. The final act features Nick coming up with a secretive plan so convoluted that the villains won’t know what they’re doing. Well, neither does the audience. It doesn’t just feel like the heroes are making things up as they go along, but the writers as well. It seemed as if screenwriter David Bourla was more preoccupied with setting up loose ends for potential sequels than building a film that could stand alone.

Chris Evans does a fair job in the role of square-jawed hero while Dakota Fanning has a fun scene playing an angry drunk. Everybody else is just spinning their wheels. Well, at least, we get Ming-Na Wen and her lovely presence is enough for me to save this from a complete dud.

Rating: *