Paramount has had Hasbro’s two main toy properties in their development slate for years. Strangely enough, Transformers beat the Joes to the multiplexes. You’d think a movie about an elite team of soldiers would make a better live-action film than one about giant robots from outer space. In any event, Transformers, infused by an injection of Michael Bay powered explosions and visual effects, did gangbusters at the box office, fast tracking G.I. Joe. The Joe screenplay went through several hands including the first draft by David Elliot and Paul Lovett (Four Brothers), a draft from Skip Woods (Swordfish) which completely omitted Cobra, and a version by Stuart Beattie which combined both scripts. Fans of the franchise were obviously skeptical especially when producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura (concerned with overseas box office) announced that he would change G.I. Joe from an American military unit to an international task force based in Belgium. Also, for some reason, he had a massive hard-on for Action Man, a British knock-off of the original 12inch G.I. Joe dolls. He once envisioned the Joe film as a buddy picture between Duke and Action Man.
But, Paramount won some over with the casting of fan-favorite Ray Park as the silent ninja commando, Snake-Eyes, and bringing on Larry Hama as a creative consultant. Hama, a former Vietnam Vet and Marvel Comics writer, came up with the Joes vs. Cobra concept, wrote the entire run of Marvel’s G.I. Joe comic as well as all the file cards on the back of the toy packages. Joe devotees owe Hama a debt of gratitude as he convinced the filmmakers to cut a scene where Snake-Eyes would actually speak. Alas, that’s about the only good thing I can say about Rise of Cobra.
The film manages to cull material from the vast mythology of G.I. Joe while inventing their own plot points to flesh out their big budget production. It is essentially an origin story, not for the Joes (who are already in operation), but of Cobra, the ruthless terrorist organization bent on world domination.
Warning: Spoilers Ahead.
Rise of Cobra begins well enough in the 17th Century with Scottish Lord James McCullen punished by the French for selling weapons to both sides of combatants. Flash forward to "the not so distant future," where his descendent also named James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) is now head of MARS Industries, a weapons manufacturer. Unlike Tony Stark, McCullen has no qualms about building devices of destruction. By the way, did we really need the "not so distant future" title? Because this movie would have been so hard to believe if we were told it took place today. But, I digress…
McCullen’s latest inventions are microscopic robots called Nano-Mites, which can devour anything made of metal. A team of American soldiers led by Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are tasked with transporting the Nano-Mites until they are ambushed by the Baroness (Sienna Miller). Duke and Ripcord are rescued by a G.I. Joe team consisting of Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje from Oz and Lost), and Breaker (Said Taghmaoui). The Joes no longer wear their own individualistic uniforms from the cartoon. Instead, they are clad in the same generic black body armor that everybody has worn since X-Men. Our heroes tag along with the Joes to their secret headquarters under the Sahara desert to meet their commanding officer, General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Duke and Ripcord go through the usual cheesy training montage to become members of the Joe team. The bad guys attack Joe HQ and steal the nanotechnology, leading to a series of nonsensical action sequences through the streets of Paris to the Arctic Circle.
Little references are spread throughout as Easter eggs for long-time fans such as lines like "life-like hair and kung-fu grip" and "knowing is half the battle." Watch for some cameos too including Brendan Fraser as Sgt. Stone (don’t know why they didn’t just go with Flint). And was that Jinx I saw?
I will say this about Rise of Cobra, the B-story involving Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow is one of the few shining lights in an otherwise idiotic production. Their rivalry, which began with the murder of their teacher the Hard Master, is captured rather accurately from the comics. Korean actor Lee Byung-hun is really cool as Storm Shadow and he and Ray Park put on some great fight scenes. At first glance, Snake-Eyes’ costume looks dead-on from the cartoon, but seeing it on the big screen and in action, it just looks off. Slacks and a molded bodysuit don’t quite work and neither does the mouth on his mask. I also didn’t like how they revamped Snake-Eyes from a wounded soldier to an abandoned orphan who took a vow of silence.
Of all the characters they managed to butcher, the one who took the brunt of the punishment is the Baroness. Cobra’s resident bespectacled femme fatale retains her skin-tight leather outfit, but ditches the ‘Moose and squirrel’ accent along with everything else that was even remotely interesting about her. Sienna Miller may look hot in the costume, but she’s completely vanilla in the role. This is, in no small way, due to the fact that they turned her from bad girl to good girl under mind control. She’s also given a clunky backstory as Duke’s jilted fiancée. Flashbacks revealing her history as well as that of Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow are clumsily dropped into the middle of the action throughout the film. And don’t get me started on the abomination known as Rex/The Doctor/Cobra Commander. Once a megalomaniacal terrorist leader, he is transformed into a disfigured mad scientist who eventually hides his scarred visage with a mask made out of clear plastic. Rounding out the Cobra roster is Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) whose master of disguise skills consists entirely of putting on somebody else’s clothes.
On the Joes side, only Snake-Eyes manages to crawl out of the epic levels of sucktitude that drags down his comrades. Channing Tatum may be a good-looking, All-American man, but he’s a complete vacuum of charisma. His Duke isn’t the confident field leader of the Joes, but a rookie who leaps into action with a Mark Wahlberg-like blank expression on his face. Marlon Wayans fills the ubiquitous role of wacky black guy/comic relief sidekick and annoys everyone with his lame attempts at humor. He fell down…haha…how original. As Scarlett, Rachel Nichols is there for pure cheesecake. Her combat gear features molded boobies and she later changes into camouflage that is inexplicably zipped down to show off a generous amount of cleavage. Dennis Quaid’s attempt at the square-jawed alpha male is laughable and the other two guys (Breaker and Heavy Duty aka Not-Roadblock) are the token minorities.
Any attempts at emotional turmoil or character development are downright embarrassing. However, the main attraction is the action which is taken to ridiculous levels. These are the type of "toy-etic" levels not seen since Batman & Robin. The Paris sequence is like something about of Team America. I almost thought the film had veered into brilliant self-parody at this point until I realized Stephen Sommers isn’t that talented. Duke and Ripcord are strapped into Accelerator Suits that look like knock-offs from Halo and run rough shot through the Parisian streets. The Joes show no sign of concern for collateral damage or for the safety of any innocent civilians, dealing out just as much destruction as their adversaries. They rip right through a tram full of commuters, sending shards of glass flying in every direction. A pair of missiles is shot right at them. Do they try to stop them? Nope, they keep on running and the missiles continue on and probably killed a hundred people. The film’s climax features an underwater battle inspired by Thunderball, but owes more to The Phantom Menace in the sense that it’s nothing more than a series of random events and visual noise.
The special effects are absolutely horrendous and appear to be done by the same, inept artists who worked on Wolverine. The CGI is obvious to even the blind and don’t even look finished. Surprising, considering the film cost nearly $200 million.
I’m being awfully generous in my rating for this awful movie. It’s a loud, dumb action movie set to a shitty hip-hop soundtrack, but it’s not nearly as obnoxiously overblown or bloated as Revenge of the Fallen. At least, Rise of Cobra knows when to get in and get out. However, films like Iron Man have proven that big-budget blockbusters and intelligent storytelling don’t have to be mutually exclusive. Rise of Cobra chooses to appeal to the lowest common denominator in its efforts to be crowd pleasing to every demographic. The results embody the absolute worst elements of the summer blockbuster.
Rating: **
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