Stolen

Stolen - Dir. Simon West (2012)

When Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped, she's taken. When it's Nic Cage's daughter, she's stolen.

Stolen is the latest piece of cinematic schlock starring Nicolas Cage, who just cannot say 'no' anymore. Cage returns to New Orleans, his stomping grounds for past films Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans and Seeking Justice. Here, Cage plays Will Montgomery, the brains behind a bank robbery gang that includes Vincent (Josh Lucas), Hoyt (perennial character actor M.C. Gainey), and blonde bombshell Riley (Malin Akerman). His latest heist is boosting $10 million all while the gang is under surveillance by the FBI. The job might have gone down smoothly if Vincent hadn't tried to kill a janitor who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Will saves the man's life and leads the cops on a merry chase as his cohorts escape. He serves eight years in prison and returns to find his now-teenage daughter, Alison (Sami Gayle), wants nothing to do with him.

Vincent has also returned to kidnap Alison, locking her in the trunk of a stolen cab moving through the city. In exchange for the girl, Vincent demands the return of the $10 million. Poor Will burned all the money before being arrested to receive a lesser sentence. The feds don't buy his story and with no other choice Will enlists the aid of Riley for another heist to get the ransom.

Stolen is a low-rent effort for Simon West, who just came off The Expendables 2 and previously worked with Cage on Con Air, an enjoyably mindless flick from the Bruckheimer action factory. For all the shootouts and car chases, Stolen remains utterly lifeless. The script by David Guggenheim (who also wrote Safe House) is rife with plot holes and feels slapped together at the last minute. Apparently, nothing in New Orleans has changed in the eight years of Will's incarceration.

Even in his worst pictures, Cage can be an entertaining train wreck when he's allowed to be unleashed. Unfortunately, there's nothing for Cage to latch onto with such a bland protagonist. The only thing remotely resembling a Cage-ism is the character's penchant for listening to Creedence Clearwater Revival. If only he could have switched roles with Josh Lucas, who starred in another movie titled Stolen in 2009. Once a handsome bad boy, Vincent went off the deep end and resurfaces as a disheveled psycho with one leg. That's the kind of scene chewing part that could have given us another in a long line of loony Nic Cage performances.

Wasting away in the supporting cast are Mark Valley and Danny Huston as the FBI agents assigned to watch Will. For some reason, Huston spends the entire movie wearing a pork pie hat like he's Popeye Doyle.

If only someone had stolen the original negatives for Stolen and burned them. This is such a stinker that it makes you long for more masterful Nic Cage works like Season of the Witch or Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

Rating: * (*****)

J. Edgar

J. Edgar - Dir. Clint Eastwood (2011)

"When morals decline and good men do nothing, evil flourishes."

J. Edgar had the potential to be an important and powerful film. You had Clint Eastwood as director, Dustin Lance Black (who won the Academy Award for Milk) as screenwriter, a bankable movie star in Leonardo DiCaprio in the lead, and the intriguing true life story of J. Edgar Hoover. A controversial figure, Hoover served as director of the FBI for nearly fifty years. He had a career that was plagued by paranoia, petty jealousy, and racism and was long rumored to be a closeted homosexual as well as a cross-dresser. But, J. Edgar doesn't come close to the quality of recent Eastwood pictures like Invictus or Gran Torino.

Eastwood and Black get the film off to a poor start with an aged Hoover (DiCaprio) regaling a succession of young FBI agents with his life story in order to compose his memoirs. It's a rather lazy and clumsy device that feeds the narrative to the audience in a piecemeal fashion. Hoover began working with the Bureau of Investigation in its infancy by arresting and deporting anti-government radicals. Eventually promoted to the position of director, Hoover attempts to increase the FBI's power as he spearheads the investigation into the kidnapping of Charles Lindbergh's baby. It was this case that Hoover emphasized the importance of forensics and fingerprint analysis, which was dismissed by law enforcement as a speculative science. During Prohibition, he doggedly pursued infamous gangsters like Alvin Karpis, Pretty Boy Floyd, Machine Gun Kelly, and John Dillinger, who was killed by an operation run by Melvin Purvis as depicted in Michael Mann's Public Enemies. Hoover, angered that Purvis was receiving all the attention, derailed his career.

While Hoover made many enemies, he made fewer friends. One of them was Helen Gandy (Naomi Watts), who became his long-time secretary, and Clyde Tolson (Armie Hammer), who became Hoover's closest confidant. The two would never miss a meal together and frequently went to the horse races in Del Mar together.

Hoover eventually grows more and more out of touch with society. He ignored organized crime and went after supposed communists, liberals, and journalists who criticized him. He tried to sabotage Martin Luther King's acceptance of the Nobel Peace Prize, an action that even Gandy and Tolson disagreed with. Throughout it all, Hoover was under the thumb of a domineering mother (Judi Dench), who coldly told him that she would rather have a dead son than a "daffodil."

Hoover supposedly kept secret files containing dirty secrets on many of the country's political leaders. He had a contentious relationship with many presidents and used those secrets to solidify his power base. In the film, he is depicted as blackmailing Franklin Roosevelt as well as John and Bobby Kennedy (the latter of whom is played by Jeffrey Donovan). One of Hoover's few good acts was to entrust Gandy with the destruction of said files upon his death to prevent them from falling into the hands of Richard Nixon.

J. Edgar commits the cardinal sin of biopics by trying to tell far too much in a small amount of time. It doesn't help that Eastwood's explanation for all of Hoover's faults and accomplishments lie with the fact that he was a momma's boy. The film does touch upon the speculation that Hoover and Tolson were homosexuals. Their relationship remains mostly chaste with Hoover reticent to act due to societal morays and his mother's influence. There are forlorn looks and subtle clasping of hands, but no sex involved. The one time the pair does heat up is during a lover's quarrel that unfolds in the most melodramatic fashion with a lot of screaming and broken furniture. The dialogue and hammy acting are on par with a bad soap opera. The same goes for a brief scene where Hoover clutches his late-mother's dress in a reference to his transvestitism.

The narrative's penchant for traveling back and forth in time is made all the more jarring by the unconvincing make-up work to age the actors. While a lot of effort and man hours went into the effects, it never looks realistic, especially the make-up on Armie Hammer as the elderly Tolson. Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't look like a 70-year old Hoover; he just looks like Leonardo DiCaprio under heavy make-up. Speaking of which, DiCaprio's performance is somewhat lacking. Part of that has to do with his eternally cherubic looks. Much like his role as Howard Hughes in The Aviator, DiCaprio excels at playing the younger versions of his characters, but his youthful face and equally youthful voice work against him.

There is a good movie buried somewhere within the confines of the tedious J. Edgar, just as Leonardo DiCaprio is buried somewhere within the confines of his fake jowls and bloated make-up. J. Edgar is a representation of blatant Oscar grabbing cinema, a rare disappointment from Clint Eastwood.

Rating: * ½ (*****)

Life as We Know It

Life as We Know It - Dir. Greg Berlanti (2010)

Katherine Heigl doesn't seem to have a problem biting the hand that feeds her. She made digs at the writing staff of Grey's Anatomy and lambasted Knocked Up for its sexist themes, despite the fact that the film made her a movie star. Ironically, Heigl would participate in features that were far more misogynistic and insipid. She's frequently cast as the shrill and vapid control freak in a continuing stream of empty-headed romantic comedies. Life as We Know It isn't any different as Heigl once again plays an uptight professional woman who is thrust into motherhood with an emotionally immature man-child.

Heigl is Holly Berenson, the owner of a bakery and catering service, who is best friends with Alison Novak (Christina Hendricks). Josh Duhamel is the subtly named Eric Messer, a technical director for the Atlanta Hawks, who is best friends with Alison's husband, Peter (Hayes MacArthur). The Novaks figure their long-time buddies would make the perfect couple and set them up on what turns out to be a disastrous blind date. Holly wears a slinky cocktail dress. Messer is dressed in a leather jacket and tattered baseball cap. She drives a Smart Car. He rides a motorcycle. Oh, how will it ever work out? Well, it doesn't at first.

Two years later, Peter and Alison are killed in a car accident. They leave custody of their 1-year old daughter, Sophia, to the bewildered Holly and Messer. The newfound parents have a difficult time balancing their work and social lives with raising a baby. Holly and Messer may smart and successful people, but one dirty diaper later, they're suddenly bumbling idiots. One montage later though and suddenly they've turned things around and slowly realize just how much they match up as a family.

Life as We Know It is on the level of a bad sitcom. It's like a pilot for a throwback to the TGIF line-up. The film is full of stock characters that get into stock situations that are easily solved as sappy music plays in the background. Life is stepped in rom-com clichés with Holly romancing a good-looking pediatrician (Josh Lucas) who acts as the third wheel in the relationship. He's the nice, bland guy who gets dumped for the leading man. There's an extremely forced, second act complication that breaks the couple apart just so they can have another idiotic scene where one character rushes to the airport to catch the other before it's too late. The humor is equally inane with scenes of Heigl getting poop on her face and watching The Wiggles while stoned.

Life as We Know It is overly sentimental drivel, but it's harmless, sentimental drivel and that's the nicest, backhanded compliment I can pay it.

Rating: * (*****)