Welcome to the Jungle

Welcome to the Jungle - Dir. Rob Meltzer (2014)

From the late-80-'s to the mid-90's, Jean-Claude Van Damme was a box office draw who was able to knock out the competition with a swift roundhouse kick. However, his clout slowly started to fizzle away until he fell into the almost inescapable limbo of the direct-to-video market. Lately, he's been stretching those muscles from Brussels in an effort to regain his relevance. Van Damme played himself in the reflexive JCVD, which earned him critical praise and was his first theatrical release in almost a decade. He had a really enjoyable turn as the subtly named Jean Vilain in The Expendables 2. Even some of his recent DTV projects have been out of his comfort zone. Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning was a dark and bizarre take on the franchise that was more akin to David Cronenberg or Gaspar Noé.

Van Damme has never really tried his hand at comedy before, aside from a brief cameo in Last Action Hero and the unintentional laughs of the much-maligned Street Fighter. This time around, Van Damme does the splits and dives deep into the genre with Welcome to the Jungle, which has aspirations at being Office Space with a dash of Lord of the Flies.

Adam Brody is Chris, a timid graphic designer at a big advertising firm where he's constantly pushed around by the odious Phil (Rob Huebel). Phil steals one of Chris's designs for a toilet paper campaign, yet the poor kid still can't muster up the courage to stand up for himself. Meanwhile, their incompetent boss, Mr. Crawford (Dennis Haysbert), won't do anything about it. Instead, he announces that all employees will take part in a team-building exercise on a remote island under the supervision of Navy Seal Storm Rothchild. The trip goes terribly wrong when the pilot is found dead and Rothchild is mauled by a tiger.

These white collar goofs are completely clueless until Chris teaches them survival skills he learned as a Boy Scout. Phil grows insanely jealous of Chris suddenly becoming the new alpha male and begins undermining all his orders. Using a hallucinogenic weed, Phil turns nearly everyone into an obedient savage with himself as their god. Chris escapes along with a small group consisting of best friend Jared (Eric Edelstein), the rabbit-obsessed Brenda (Kristen Schaal), and Lisa (Megan Boone from NBC's The Blacklist), the pretty girl from HR that Chris has long had a crush on.

Van Damme takes center stage in the posters and cover art in spite of his relatively small role. It's still justified as JCVD happens to be the only entertaining part of the movie as he pokes fun at his own tough guy image. Outside of Van Damme, Welcome to the Jungle labors to elicit a single chuckle or smirk in its thankfully brief 95 minute runtime. It desperately grasps for humor with repetitive and lazy jokes about gays and masturbation. All the characters are cartoons with the exception of Chris and Lisa, who are about as white bread as can be.

The Rundown, starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Seann William Scott, was previously titled Welcome to the Jungle. I only point this out because that is a far better film than this painfully dull attempt at comedy. You could also do better by listening to the Guns 'N' Roses song over and over for an hour and a half.

Rating: * (*****)

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning - Dir. John Hyams (2012)

The original Universal Soldier stands as a solid entry of early-90's action cinema with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren as Vietnam vets brought back from the dead to serve as resurrected super-soldiers. There's nothing particularly noteworthy about it aside from the fact that it helped launch the careers of Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich, the purveyors of blockbuster schlock like Independence Day and 2012. Universal Soldier spawned two forgettable DTV sequels that most people don't even know exist. Van Damme wasn't in either of them, but chose to reprise his role of Luc Deveraux for Universal Soldier: The Return, a movie so terrible that it killed the franchise for nearly a decade until the arrival of John Hyams, the son of Peter Hyams, director of Van Damme's Sudden Death and Timecop.

Just like the characters, the series was brought back to life with Universal Soldier: Regeneration, a standard low-budget affair that saw the return of Dolph Lundgren, despite being ground to pulp in a wood chipper. None of what came before could prepare anyone for Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning. Hyams does away with conventions and boils the concept down to its horrific roots that of a government willing to resurrect dead soldiers and send them back into battle. Those expecting another cheaply made B-movie set in an abandoned warehouse because that’s all the producers could afford will be greatly surprised. Day of Reckoning is a feverish horror show of an action movie if it were directed by David Lynch.

The protagonist, John (Scott Adkins), awakens in the middle of the night to his daughter's complaints of monsters in the house. He realizes too late there are three intruders in his kitchen. They mercilessly beat him with a crowbar before executing his wife and daughter. The ringleader unmasks to reveal Luc Deveraux, the hero of the first Universal Soldier. Deveraux has become the leader of a rebellion movement of fellow UniSols seeking to strike back against the government that created them. John's search for retribution takes him down a dark path as the truth of revealed about himself and the murder of his family.

Hyams has cited auteurs like David Cronenberg, Gaspar Noé, and Michael Haneke as heavy influences in the production of Day of Reckoning. Those influences are apparent from the very beginning with a prologue that has the uneasy feel of Haneke's Funny Games with the first person perspective of Noé's Enter the Void. Another technique from the Noé playbook is a frequent shuttering effect meant to simulate a character's disorientation and blur the lines between reality and fantasy. Hyams also flagrantly borrows from Apocalypse Now with Van Damme cast as a modern day Colonel Kurtz and Dolph Lundgren as his Dennis Hopper. The third act sees John literally going up the river to confront Deveraux. Some fans may be disappointed to learn that Van Damme and Lundgren only have minor supporting roles, despite their prominent positions in promotional material. They don't even share a single scene together.

While Lundgren's Andrew Scott was well established as being mentally unbalanced, the question remains how the once heroic Deveraux grew equally mad. The film offers no clear cut answers, but posits several interesting possibilities. In the 80's, Alan Moore revolutionized the comic book industry with his bleak deconstruction of the superhero mythos. He shattered the simplistic Silver Age tales of British superhero Marvelman by revealing they were false memories of a virtual world, part of an elaborate and cruel experiment to create superhumans. The idea that previous installments may be implanted memories crafted by someone fed a strict diet of formulaic action flicks is deliciously twisted. The layers are peeled back to reveal a fatalistic reality where death gives no respite to eternal warriors locked in never-ending combat.

Don't mistake the filmmakers' arthouse aspirations as intent to create a bloodless drama. Day of Reckoning has no shame in trotting out thoroughly brutal and exploitative violence. The movie received a very limited theatrical run where it was slapped with an 'R' rating. The Unrated version available on DVD, Blu-ray, and Netflix certainly would have received an NC-17. The prologue is utterly unflinching as is a sequence taking place in a neon-lit brothel where a naked hooker takes a shotgun blast in the back. That's right after a UniSol has a prostitute casually hammer a nail into his hand. Adkins brawls with former UFC champ Andrei Arlovski inside a sporting goods store using baseball bats and barbell plates. The insane climax was filmed handheld in the style of one continuous shot with a few obvious editing cheats. John cuts a swath of destruction until he and his white wifebeater becomes caked in blood and viscera.

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning isn't altogether successful due to wooden dialogue and some slow sections. However, it should be commended for wanting to be more than another hackneyed, low-budget shoot 'em up.

Rating: *** (*****)

The Expendables 2

The Expendables 2 - Dir. Simon West (2012)

The Expendables was wish fulfillment for any hardcore action fan, even if it was about fifteen years too late. Sylvester Stallone gathered together a veritable dream team of badasses from the past and present to commit wholesale carnage. Of course, there were plenty of movie goers wondering where their favorite stars were. Where's Steven Seagal or Don "The Dragon" Wilson? Also, how about some female Expendables? You'll be happy to know The Expendables 2 does what all good sequels should do, expand on the concept with a bigger cast and even bigger action.

The whole gang is back: Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (Jet Li), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and Toll Road (Randy Couture), along with a young sniper named Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth). The sequel begins with a blood-soaked prologue as the team raids a compound in Nepal to rescue a Chinese billionaire as well as rival mercenary Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Following a successful mission, Ross barely has a chance to enjoy the down time when he's approached by CIA spook Mr. Church (Bruce Willis). Collecting on a debt, Church tasks Ross with retrieving the contents of a high-tech safe from the wreckage of a plane that went down in Albania. Church assigns his computer expert, Maggie (Yu Nan), to assist in the endeavor. They are later joined by the enigmatic Booker (Chuck Norris), another soldier of fortune on a mission to take down the organization.

The Expendables are ambushed by a criminal cartel led by Jean Vilain (Jean-Claude Van Damme) and with a name like Jean Vilain, what else could he be, except evil? Vilain steals the item and kills one of heroes, earning the enmity of Ross. The McGuffin turns out to be a computerized blueprint of a mine containing five tons of weapons-grade plutonium, which he plans to sell to the highest bidders.

Stallone co-wrote the screenplay with Richard Wenk (16 Blocks, The Mechanic) and it's more streamlined than the previous film. Gone are the B-plots that futilely tried to flesh out the already thin characters. There aren't any extraneous side stories this time around, such as with Lee Christmas's girlfriend (Charisma Carpenter, who only appears in one scene). These guys don't have time for romance when they have shit to blow up. They don't have time for existential introspection either so there is no belly gazing or heartfelt monologues from Mickey Rourke (who chose not to return). The script is the type of throwaway junk that was churned out by Cannon Films back in the 80's, right down to the Cold War threat, the Eastern European setting, and a bad guy with a funny accent.

The main appeal of The Expendables 2 is the chance to see Arnold, Bruce Willis, and Stallone blasting machine gunfire at ear shattering decibels. Yes, John Matrix, John McClane, and John Spartan unleash their wrath on an army of anonymous henchmen. Bodies literally explode into fountains of blood as bullets rip through them. Any worries that the violence might be softened should be put away. Sadly, Jet Li doesn't get to participate in the fun as he only appears in the opening. The action itself isn't spectacularly stylish, but it is adequately directed. Stallone handed the reins to Simon West whose workman-like direction is reminiscent of past standbys like Albert Pyun or Peter Hyams.

Any action movie worth its salt is required to have a few cornball one-liners. We get them here with Statham, disguised as a priest, announcing, "I now pronounce you…man and knife." But, most of the humor is self-referential, delivered with a heavy dose of irony and a tongue firmly planted in cheek. Ennio Morricone's theme to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly plays each time Chuck Norris, who looks pretty spry for a 72-year old, makes his grand entrance. His character is named after John T. Booker, the role he portrayed in Good Guys Wear Black, and he's frequently referred to as a "Lone Wolf." Chuck Norris even gets to tell a Chuck Norris joke. ("I heard you got bit by a king cobra." "Yeah…but after five days of agonizing pain, the cobra finally died."). The script hints at a possible love story between Barney Ross and Maggie with the former being apprehensive to let anyone close. Perhaps, it is because he remembers the death of Julia Nickson in Rambo: First Blood Part II. Of course, Arnold gets all the best lines. He chomps into his scenes as hard as the ever-present stogies in the corner of his mouth. The ex-governor of California exchanges catchphrases with Bruce Willis during the climatic shootout. ("You've been back enough times. This time, I'll be back." "Yippie-ki-yay.")

The best performances in the film belong to the two guys who probably need subtitles more than Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Lundgren is given a beefier role with his Gunner Jensen now clean and sober. He's become a lovable lug with references made to his real-life master's degree in chemical engineering and Fulbright Scholarship to MIT. Van Damme makes the most of his first major theatrical role in years, excluding the meta-textual JCVD. The Muscles from Brussels is immensely entertaining in a rare villainous turn. Plus, it's cool watching him unleash his trademark flying roundhouse kick to Stallone's face. For his brief screen time, Liam Hemsworth adds a new dimension as his youthful exuberance helps to amusingly remind his established co-stars of their increasing age.

They may have less hair and more wrinkles than back in their heyday, but the holy trinity of Planet Hollywood still has the charisma necessary to carry a huge blockbuster and the heavy ammunitions it requires. The Expendables 2 is well-made schlock cinema for those wanting nothing more than big guys with big guns.

Rating: *** (*****)

JCVD

JCVD - Dir. Mabrouk El Mechri (2008)


We continue our journey into meta-movie making with JCVD.

A movie where Jean-Claude Van Damme plays himself? That seems like it would be one, long joke. In fact, that was the original intent of the project. Yes, JCVD has some funny moments, but it’s also a surprisingly touching character piece. Van Damme lightly pokes fun at himself as well as revealing vulnerable aspects of his personal life. JCVD opens with a five minute action sequence filmed in one take as Van Damme moves through a bombed out street, taking out bad guys left and right. Alas, the set falls apart at the last minute. Out of breath, the 47 year-old Muscles from Brussels just doesn’t have it in him for another take.

Van Damme deals with more than age. He loses a big role to Steven Seagal who finally promised to cut off his ponytail. JCVD begs his agent to get him into a studio picture. He'd gladly take scale if it meant passing on yet another direct-to-video B-movie shot in Bulgaria. More importantly, Van Damme loses custody of his daughter who admits to being embarrassed by dad’s work. As his wife’s lawyer runs down a list of the grisly deaths in each film, Van Damme can only sheepishly reply in broken English, ”All of my movies having heart.” Defeated, he heads back to his hometown in Belgium where he gets caught up in a hostage situation when thieves attempt to rob the post office. The police mistakenly believe Van Damme is the robber and the townsfolk rally around the crime scene in support of their hero.

The story unfolds in non-linear fashion as we get glimpses of Van Damme’s life and the events leading up to the robbery. The meat of the story tries to contrast Van Damme’s badass on-screen persona with his meek real-life counterpart. While commendable, the hostage situation feels forced and comes off as a cheap imitation of Dog Day Afternoon. The most interesting and genuine moments of JCVD find Van Damme dealing with everyday, ordinary life such as a cab ride with a mouthy driver. The centerpiece of Van Damme’s performance comes from a six-minute monologue, almost a confessional to the camera. It is here that El Mechri breaks the fourth wall, raising Van Damme above the set where he gives a candid, heartfelt soliloquy about his celebrity and past drug problems.

Mabrouk El Mechri is definitely going to be a director to watch out for, but the script is filled with unrealized potential. The robbery feels like padding. It’s as if the writers didn’t feel Van Damme’s fans would see the movie without shooting and violence.

Rating: **