"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." - William Shakespeare, Macbeth.
Woody Allen's latest picture opens with a reworking of that same Shakespearean quote. Knowing Allen, the irony was most definitely not lost on him. You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger is full of sound and fury, but ultimately amounts to nothing.
Tall Dark Stranger features an ensemble of A-list actors who likely signed on so they can finally say they starred in a Woody Allen movie. The glue that holds the cast together is Gemma Jones as Helena, who has just suffered a devastating divorce from her long-time husband, Alfie (Anthony Hopkins). In her despair, Helena seeks guidance from a dime store fortune teller named Cristal (Pauline Collins). Helena's daughter, Sally (Naomi Watts), knows Cristal is an obvious fraud, but any comfort mother finds is good enough. Alfie, meanwhile, has fallen for a ditzy blond named Charmaine (Lucy Punch), who is a third of his age and works as a call girl.
Sally's marriage is also on the rocks. Her husband and Allen analogue, Roy (Josh Brolin), had a hit novel and struggles to write a follow up. He is forced to work as a limo driver to pay bills. Roy finds his spirits lifted by the beautiful Dia (Freida Pinto), who lives in an adjacent apartment building. Sally gets a new job as the assistant to a successful art dealer played by Antonio Banderas. Of course, she is smitten by him because he's Antonio freakin' Banderas. Allen's screenplay bobs and weaves through the multiple relationships as fickle lovers make their ultimate decisions about who to be with. Eventually, nearly everyone is miserable with their choices in life. Then, just when you think the movie is about to really get going, it abruptly ends as if Allen finally fizzled out and decided to just go home.
Though it's a drama with light comic overtones, Tall Dark Stranger is all about pessimism. However, Allen never reaches the farcical levels of fatalism that the Coen Brothers achieved in A Serious Man. All Allen manages to achieve is a middling sense of cynicism. Gone are the films full of wit and insightful observations about love and life. This is a film that seems cobbled together from a recycling bin left overflowing by refuse from the cutting room floor. These are stock characters wandering about in a London rendered completely indistinct by a director seemingly content to coast on his reputation.
At 75, Allen continues to plug away with a new film released each year. Perhaps, his prolific body of work is its own worst enemy. Anything new of Allen's will immediately be compared to classics such as Annie Hall or Hannah and Her Sisters. Alas, his recent movies will always fall short. Aside from Match Point, none of his new stuff has been particularly spellbinding. Even passable fare like Vicky Christina Barcelona couldn't live up to the expectations that come from the name Woody Allen. If it had been directed by someone else, it might have been more highly regarded. No such arguments will occur with You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, it would have been bad no matter who was behind the camera.
Rating: * ½ (*****)
