Taken 2

Taken 2 - Dir. Olivier Megaton (2012)

The original Taken was the surprise hit of 2008, pulling in over $226 million off a meager budget of $25 million. The film reeled in mainstream audiences through their primal anxieties of xenophobia and white girl peril, then unleashed righteous fury in the form of Liam Neeson. As former CIA agent, Bryan Mills, the Irish-born thespian cut a path of brutal vengeance on the ring of human traffickers that took his daughter Kim (Maggie Grace).

It's understandable that Bryan would have a hard time letting go, especially when Kim blows off driving lessons to be with her boyfriend (Luke Grimes). These aren't evasive driving maneuvers, just plain old driving lessons because Kim doesn't have a license yet. Never mind that Maggie Grace is almost 30 and too old to be playing naïve high schooler. In any event, Bryan gets a security gig in Istanbul for a wealthy potentate when ex-wife, Lenore (Famke Janssen), and Kim pay him a surprise visit. Unbeknownst to them, Albanian gangsters, led by Murad (Rade Serbedzija) are en route to seek revenge for the deaths of their brothers and sons from the first film.

The screenplay by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen is either brilliantly stripped down or lazily slapped together. There's a slight twist on the basic concept with the parents being taken and Bryan making the ominous call to Kim, who must locate the bad guys' hideout. In the silliest sequence of Taken 2, Kim runs around the rooftops of Istanbul lobbing live grenades so her dad can use the sound of explosions to triangulate his position. You'd think an American blowing shit up would raise a few red flags. At one point, Bryan casually guns down a crooked police officer. Sure, he may have been dirty, but murdering a cop still has dire consequences. However, Taken 2 isn't concerned with logic. There's no time for that nonsense when there are unwashed scumbags with funny accents to kill.

From there, the sequel descends into a non-stop stream of indiscernible action. Besson protégé Olivier Megaton turns every fight scene and shootout into a series of abstract images thanks to an overuse of shaky cam and choppy editing. Megaton also directed Transporter 3, the worst of the series, and Colombiana, which is just as ridiculous, yet far more entertaining. Car chases (those driving lessons from the opening are going to come up again, right?) are unremarkably rendered with Bryan shouting such encouragements as, "Move it, Kim" and "You can do it." Speaking of driving, someone in the Besson camp must have just seen Drive because Taken 2 lifts almost directly from the Nicolas Winding Refn film. Kim listens to College's "Real Hero" on her iPhone while Chromatics' "Tick of the Clock" is used for a tense scene in which Kim waits for her father in a getaway car.

Taken 2 fits the bill of easily digestible popcorn entertainment. Perfect for anyone who wants to watch Qui-Gon Jinn fight Boris the Blade.

Rating: ** (*****)

Colombiana

Colombiana - Dir. Olivier Megaton (2011)

Luc Besson was the man behind two of the most critically acclaimed action movies in Leon (aka The Professional) and La Femme Nikita. In the last several years, Besson (as writer and producer) has been churning out a steady stream of Eurotrash action flicks such as The Transporter, Taken, and the parkour heavy District B13. Colombiana is the latest film to come off the Besson assembly line and feels like a greatest hits highlight reel. It borrows many elements from Besson's previous works. In fact, Colombiana evolved from story ideas from an unproduced sequel to Leon, entitled Mathilde, which would have starred a Natalie Portman's character.

The movie opens in Bogota of 1993 where a nine-year old Cateleya Restrepo (Amandla Stenberg) witnesses the murder of her parents by drug lord Don Luis (Beto Benites). Cateleya escapes by stabbing Luis's right-hand man, Marco (Jordi Molla), in the…well, right hand. What follows is a thrilling parkour sequence through the Columbian streets as Cateleya makes her way to the American embassy with a microchip of vital information. Did I mention that she swallowed the microchip and vomited it back up? Did I mention she's doing parkour at age 9? Did I mention this takes place several years before parkour was developed? Does it matter? This is the kind of movie Colombiana is.

Cateleya sneaks away from her handlers to Chicago to stay with her gangster uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis). She demands to be trained as a killer in order to exact revenge against Don Luis. Uncle Emilio, being a responsible parent, tells her to get an education first and emphasizes his point by shooting up the neighborhood across the street from the school she's been enrolled. Then, they walk away without consequence. This is the kind of movie Colombiana is.

An adult Cateleya (Zoe Saldana) earns a living as a contract assassin and marks her victims with a drawing of the orchid she was named after. This is a clear message to Don Luis, who is laying low in New Orleans with the help of a corrupt CIA official (Callum Blue). In her free time, Cateleya tries to have some semblance of a normal life by making booty calls to a handsome and oblivious artist named Danny (a bland Michael Vartan). She also dances around her apartment in tank tops so tight you can clearly see her nipples jutting through. This is the kind of movie Colombiana is.

Colombiana was helmed by Olivier Megaton, whose bombastic pseudonym befits his equally bombastic directing style. The action isn't spectacular though it is perfectly suitable for loud, mindless summer fare. In addition to the opening parkour set piece, two of the other major sequences in the film are the climax in which Cateleya assaults the bad guy's villa with a rocket launcher. Blunt, but effective just like this movie. There's another scene where a SWAT Team raids her apartment and Cateleya evades capture. Horndogs will especially enjoy these moments as it involves Zoe Saldana padding around barefoot and in her underwear while gripping a sniper rifle that's half her size.

Saldana is really the best thing in the movie. She might not give a well-rounded performance, but she looks good kicking ass. Much like Milla Jovovich in Besson's The Fifth Element, Saldana displays a lithe agility when she's slinking around the air vents of a police station to execute a target in lockup. There's also a Jason Bourne-style fight scene where Saldana is armed with only a towel and a toothbrush.

The script, written by Besson and Robert Mark Kamen (The Karate Kid), lacks the high stakes and immediacy that they imbued in Taken. Liam Neeson drove the plot by actively hunting down his enemies until his daughter was found. The heroine in Colombiana is too passive, content to wait for the bad guys to make their move. Also missing is a memorable villain ala Gary Oldman in The Professional.

The cast also includes Lennie James from Snatch as the obligatory, by-the-books FBI agent trying to hunt down our sexy hitwoman. In one scene, he empathically declares the killer isn't a woman. It's not possible. What a chauvinist.

So, what kind of movie is Colombiana? It's a D.A.M., a dumb action movie. One filled with explosions, stabbings, and even guys getting eaten by sharks and dogs. Sounds like a good wholesome time, right? Colombiana will satisfy your fetish for girls with guns.

Rating: ** (*****)

Transporter 3

Transporter 3 - Dir. Olivier Megaton (2008)


It’s the threequel that everybody demanded. It isn’t? Well, too bad, you’re getting it as Jason Statham returns and he’s even more Transporter-ier than ever. I admit, as a sucker for brainless action flicks, I enjoyed the first Transporter and the sequel at least went over the top with its ludicrous action sequences. The latest installment tries to be a grittier Transporter with goofy action scenes, but can’t have it both ways.

The plot (as if it matters) recycles the original film and throws in the added complication of an explosive bracelet that would blow Jason Statham up if he gets too far from his car. Statham can sleepwalk through these taciturn badass roles even if the story is completely interchangeable with whatever latest Transporter/Crank/Death Race movie he’s doing. And T-Bag from Prison Break is an excellent choice to play the villain, although I’m not exactly sure why the bad guy needs to hire the Transporter when he already has an army of minions at his beck and call.

Of the film’s many faults, the first comes from the ridiculously named Olivier Megaton (second only to McG) who directs the film with the subtlety of his namesake bomb. Megaton uses fast forwards, slow motion shots, flash cuts, and anything else he might have seen on MTV. It’s like the camera is on an eternal sugar rush. The absolute worst of all is newcomer Natalya Rudakova, an annoying little ginger with a poor command of the English language. At one point, she wants to “make the sex” with the Transporter. When Frank turns her turn, she asks if he is "the gay." Their forced romance is completely unbelievable (not to mention creepy, she looks seriously underaged) and grinds the movie to a sudden halt. And since this is PG-13, you get no boobs or butt shot. What’s the point?

Rating: *